What about Robotech? Has anyone ruined that yet?

We're you a kid in the late 80's early
 90's? Then this man HATES you.

Joel Schumacher put nipples on the Bat-suit and we fell back. J.J. Abrams blew up Vulcan and we fell back. The line must be drawn he-yah! Michael Bay must not be allowed to screw up the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Behold this thing he said:

"These turtles are from an alien race, and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable."

-Michael Bay, assassin of joy

Fuck you. The Turtles are mutants, not aliens. It says so in the goddamned title: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They don't need a new origin. Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird did not make a mistake when they created these characters. I pray to Lloth that this is all just a misunderstanding and that Bay was simply coked out of his mind and misspoke. 

If this is for real, mark my words Michael Bay: your movie
will rank below TMNT 2. And that one had Vanilla Ice.

Can you name this Autobot? If yes,
then you are geeky enough to procede.

Why would he want to change such a big part of the Turtles' mythos? To answer that we need look no further than Bay's Transformers movies and the way none of the characters really resembled their cartoon counterparts. I complained about this a while back, remember? This wouldn't normally be a big deal, but it's a symptom of a bigger problem. Buckle up now, because from here on out it's gonna get nerdy(-er). I'll understand if you want to bail out. Still with me? Swell. Now let's talk mass-shifting (told ya so).  

The TARDIS, for example, is bigger
on the inside and powered by whimsy.

Mass-shifting in Transformers nerdom is the rubber science explanation for why a thirty-foot robot like Soundwave could turn into a 1980's tape deck: all the excess matter gets stored in sub-space. Does it make any scientific sense? No, of course not, it's preposterous, but so are robots from space disguising themselves as Volkswagons. We willingly accept it despite the fact that it's bullshit because we enjoy the characters and love robots that turn into stuff. Some things are more Fi than Sci and that's ok. 

When making the live-action movies, Bay insisted that the mass of the characters in robot form corresponded to their alt-modes. That's why Megatron turned into some kind of lame space-jet instead of the disturbingly realistic handgun we all played with as kids.

Decepticon Leader Megatron® is fun for ages 10 and up. Do not point at cops.

-from the toy's packaging

The villain will be Dr. Ted 'The Shredder'
Wells, an evil dentist and part-time ninja.

It kind of felt as though the director thought that the premise was kind of silly and needed fixing. Same thing with TMNT. It's like he thinks the audience won't buy the idea that the Turtles were someone's mutated pets and that space ninjas are somehow more plausible. But if Bay hates the source material so much, should he even be involved in it? I mean, hand it off to someone who's down with the Turtles, or if he's really bent on telling the story of edgy, lovable alien ninjas then create something new. People have been known to come up with new things you know.

The only good to come out of all this is that it looks like the film industry has finally run out of ways to ruin growing up in the...oh, son of a bitch...

"In this version, Link, a spunky robot with a heart of gold (literally!), must rescue
Grand Duchess Zelda from Gannon, a talking pig-wizard from the future. Also it's in 3-D!"

-Michael Bay on how he'd ruin this too