Let's declare war on porn!

Finally Helen, someone who will
think of the children.

Did you know that we, as in America, were suffering from a pandemic? Well, we are according to Rick Santorum. Yeah he's not referring to a real pandemic like HIV or malaria, nope, he's referring to porn. It's a porndemic, and Rick Santorum's got the cure. In an effort to clinch the votes of the kind of people who use phrases like 'traditional values' as a euphemism for 'straight white Evangelical Christian values,' Rick Santorum has vowed, if elected, to wage a war on porn.

Rest assured we have our top
men working on it. Top. Men.

On his website he says hilariously un-sourced and unsubstantiated things like this:

'A wealth of research is available demonstrating that pornography causes profound brain changes in both children and adults...'

What research? Where is it? Can we see it? No? Ok, I guess we'll just shut up and trust Rick Santorum on this one.

Paleo-porn: Niche, but perfectly legal.
(note: these T-Rex's are over 18)

He also talks about the widespread distribution of 'illegal obscene pornography' without really explaining what that means. Is he talking about regular porn? Is that illegal? When did that happen? Maybe he's thinking of furry-porn, you know, when people dress up like animals and get it on. Of course, I'm pretty sure that's legal too (I mean, I heard it is...). I'm not a lawyer, but for something to be illegal, doesn't there have to be a law against it? If you're going to wage a war on something, shouldn't you know a little something about it? Not that that's stopped anyone before (oh burn! see what I did there?).

Ok, so I guess I'm willing to cut him a little slack here. After all, like most Republicans, Rick Santorum is sexually aroused only by stock portfolios and Tom Clancy novels. When it comes to porn he can't be expected to know anything about it, but that's kind of the problem isn't it?

No conservative's porn stash would be complete with out C.I.A. analyst Jack Ryan's
taut, erotic forays into the steamy world of international politics...aw yeah...levy those sanctions...

Careful, that's load-bearing smut.

What I don't think Santorum is considering is exactly what would happen to the internet if all porn were suddenly removed. At last count, the internet is something like 70% porn. Leaving aside the fact that except for certain material (which should be and is illegal) porn isn't against the law, and forgetting for a moment that Rick Santorum is again pandering to ignorance and fear to win votes you can't just tear out that much of the online world, the whole thing could come crashing down.

Remember when Walter Peck shut down the containment grid in Ghostbusters? Yeah. It'd be exactly like that.

What? There's a wealth of research available saying that this is exactly what would happen.