Pay to the Order of Michael 'Subtle Storytelling' Bay Ten Dollars and 00 Cents.

I don't know how they sleep, but I
 bet this is how they go swimming.

So on July 1st or there abouts, I'm going to give Michael Bay ten dollars, again. And probably another $4.50 to the movie theater because I'll have forgotten to smuggle in my own water bottle and the drinking fountain will be like all the way down the hall or something. $4.50, seriously, how do they sleep at night anyway? Anyway I should probably resign myself to the fact that I'm a sucker for things that remind me of crap I was into as a child, no matter how CGI'd beyond recognition it is. Damn you Michael Bay, damn you straight to hell, take your blood money and be gone.

Yeah, I'm sure you'll
be remembered for
your poetry.

Look, Transformers: Dark of the Moon won't be the worst thing ever. I mean, it's going to be better than Transformers 2: The One With the Racist Robots. Even that one, despite being a confusing mess, did deliver on its promise to be two-hours of blurry robots kicking the shit out of each other. So as long as Transformers 3 isn't a documentary on Amish furniture making, it should at least live up to expectations. Oh, and to sweeten the nerd cred, Dark of the Moon (wah?) is going to feature cameos by a couple of sci and fi second fiddles: Space Plane compensated endorser and 2nd man on the moon Buzz Aldrin will play himself and Leonard 'Mr. Spock' Nimoy (#2 in command, #1 in our hearts) as Sentinel Prime (what, no Galvatron?). That should make it worthwhile, right? Well, no, it'll almost certainly still be another baffling, idiotic, e'splosion-filled crapatronic no-brainer which, I'm ashamed to say, I'll go see.

At least I'm not these guys. Well, I'm assuming that there are humans under the cardboard cosplay. Otherwise Bumblebee and Starscream have really let themselves go.

Wait, it's 2011 and there's
still no gritty Gummi Bears reboot?
This summer: Gummi Rising

I can't help it, like all kids of my generation I spent my childhood watching cartoons about action figures, so it's no wonder I have have a soft spot for Transformers. It's like Hasbro was programming us for a time 25 years down the line when their poorly animated and thinly veiled toy commercials could be revived as multi-million dollar movie franchises for grown-up man-children. They're playing the long game people. Either that or they realized that when you make a movie out of something people are already familiar with, not only do you have a built in audience (i.e. chumps like me) but it also saves you from coming up with original crap. It's 'win-win'...or at least 'gave up-never tried.'



p.s. A note to whoever (whomever?) owns the rights to Ninja Turtles: TMNT III is old enough to vote. It's probably time to bring it back. Oh, and one request: I don't care how silly you think it'll look, but this movie must include Krang. You're not Scorsese, you're doing a movie about talking turtles that battle evil with ninjitsu and wisecracks, the villain can be a brain in a giant man-droid suit. It won't hurt your credibility.

Krang's life long struggle to conquer our puny planet and to finally make
turtle soup out of those meddling reptiles is a story that must be told.