|Look out Thomas Edison, |
this dude invented pants.
Happy New Year! Hey, congratulations on inventing the Chinese calendar, and you know, ruling ancient China. Also, I see that you invented carts, boats and clothes (thanks Wikipedia!) which I'm sure is totally true. You must be very proud. I mean, yeah, you did live like 4,500 years ago so none of the obvious inventions were taken yet. All I'm saying is that if you were around today you'd probably have to come up with cold fusion or hover cars or some kind of special yogurt that keeps Jamie Lee Curtis regular. Don't get me wrong though, boats are nice too.
|Chupacabra: can't catch a break.|
Don't worry though, I'm not interested in assigning blame (to you), I'm here to provide solutions. So, for the sake of everyone who got stuck with a crap animal, don't you think it's time we re-evaluated the Chinese Zodiac?
|This is not my sign...|
|...this is. See the problem?|
After all, the western zodiac got a huge overhaul whether people wanted it or not, so why not the Chinese system? Look, Dragon, Monkey, Snake, these are all awesome animals. I'd even take Dog, but the Pig, Rooster and Goat? Less than thrilling. Seriously Emperor Huangdi, some of us got pretty screwed. To right this wrong, I propose the following substitutions:
|Here, the Hercules battles the Boar...|
at least I think that's what they're doing.
|Yeah, sometimes, the truth hurts...|
|Better roll for damage, |
Year of the Monkey.
So there you have it Emperor Huangdi, I think you'll find my casual and ill-researched critique of a time honored part of Chinese culture and identity a vast improvement. No need to thank me. You're quite welcome. Also, love the hat.
|Everything is better with swords and top-knot.|