Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Mmmm...Malthusian...

"Tell me more of this thing you
Earthmen call 'make out'..."
Holy crap, check this thing out. In a hurry? Fine, here: According to NASA, there are at least 50 billion planets in the Milky Way. Billion with a 'B.' And of those as many as 500 million (with an 'M,' still impressive though) could be in the 'Goldilocks Zone'-the potentially habitable zone between a star and the cold, endless void. Yeah, there could be like hundreds of millions of class-M planets, full of aliens ready to blink uncomprehendingly at our foolish hew-mon emotions.


The space program has
long been associated with Tang.
So my question is why aren't we zipping up our unitards and boldly going? I mean, can it really be that hard to come up with a practical method for interstellar space travel? (Yes.) We've made amazing progress in the last few decades in so many other areas. Our civilization went from like 10 websites in 1991 to a global computerized porn delivery system in like 20 years. So what's up with the space program? Shouldn't we be able to catch the red eye to 40 Eridani by now? Maybe NASA should have estimated that there are 500 million planets shaped like boobs.

Holy shit, STOP HAVING KIDS!

Do we need more motivation? How 'bout this: we're about to hit the 7 billion population mark (note the 'B'), and barring some sort of zombie apocalypse, planet Earth is only going to get more crowded, especially if we keep giving people TV shows just for breeding (thanks TLC). I'm not saying people shouldn't have kids, well, some people probably shouldn't... I'm just suggesting that people shouldn't have a ridiculous number of kids.


Sure it's people,
but have you tried the cool ranch?


Sure, they're cute now, but in 20 years when people are getting knifed at 7 Eleven over the last Hotpocket in North America, we'll know who's to blame. They're like the jerks that bring uninvited friends to a party: they eat all the Chex Mix, they drink all the beer, and then someone burns a hole in the sofa. I mean the planet's food and water can only be stretched so far. Have we learned nothing from Soylent Green?




So what's to be done? Well, I see two options: We could either convince everyone to practice restraint and have a reasonable number of children so as not to overtax the limited resources of our world or we could brake the light barrier and colonize the galaxy. Which do you think people are more likely to go for?
Suck our plasma Malthus!

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