Hobb Lobb's a Holiday Snob!

"C'mon kids, find those rabbit eggs,
uh...for Jesus, I guess..."

So why doesn't Hobby Lobby carry decorations for Jewish holidays? I'm not like a business guy, but that seems kind of fakakta. Sure, I suppose Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, a holiday usually observed with fasting and prayer, probably doesn't lend itself to paper cut-outs and tinsel but that's never stopped anyone before. Somewhere along the line someone decided that Jesus punching his way out of his tomb and flying off into the sky had something to do with egg-laying bunnies and chocolate, so, I don't know, get creative.

Look everybody, it's Harry the Hanukoctopus! He brings children
a different gift in each of his eight tentacles, one for every day of Hanukah!
He climbs down your chimney and...no? Fine, you think of something.

"You're welcome ladies! Now,
don't name it after me, alright?"

But whatever, after the thing last January with the new health care law and-you don't remember? Mike Huckabee, the Chick fil-A guy stepped in, it was a whole thing. Here, click on this. Yeah, the new health care law requires employers to offer insurance that covers contraception, which I guess flies in the face of everything a company that sells pipe cleaners and glue sticks stands for, so Hobby Lobby fought and for reasons beyond understanding kind of won.

Above: Some of the people
Hobby Lobby doesn't cater to.

Anyway, back to this new thing. Check this out. A blogger named Ken Berwitz recently caught wind of Hobby Lobby's lack of Jewish holiday decorations. When a friend of his inquired as to what's up with that? she was told by a clerk: "We don't cater to you people." Holy shit, rude right? The writer himself called and was told that "Because Mr. Green is the owner of the company, he's a Christian and those are his values."  Wow, that's kind of lame. 

"We're working to reevaluate new
solutions and synergies moving forward." 

-Hobby Lobby President Steve Green

Here's the company's official, less caustic statement:

"Hobby Lobby Stores, Inc. is currently working with our buyers over our merchandise selection. Our customers have brought this to our attention and we are currently evaluating our Holiday items and what we will carry in the future."

-Hobby Lobby,

Winner of the 2013 Least Substantive 

Corporate Statement Award

Look, Hobby Lobby can carry or not carry whatever they damn well please, and nobody's suggesting otherwise. In fact, Berwitz later clarified that he's not calling for a boycott or anything, he's just saying that they've lost him as a customer. Still, Hobby Lobby is a business, you'd think they'd want to sell things. 

"Hah-noo-kah? Sorry, I'm not familiar with that one. We have some
 nice crosses though, 50% off, why not try one of those?"

-Dave, from the Rapid City store

"Why I oughta..."

-Jesus, Matthew  21:12

Also, I'm not a theologian, but I'm a little unclear as to how selling dreidels and menorahs would be incompatible with Hobby Lobby President Steve Green's religion. You'd think a guy who once kicked the crap out of money lenders for mixing religion and commerce would have a bigger problem with Steve dropping hundreds of thousands of dollars (I'm guessing, but it couldn't have been cheap) on his collection of Biblical artifacts. Like, shouldn't he be feeding starving children or something?

Green's latest acquisition: a ninth century prayer book.
Not pictured: hungry children.

A crushing blow for the DNC!

It looks like the Democrats have lost a major celebrity supporter and with him any chance of keeping the White House in 2016. That's right, I'm referring of course to acting juggernaut Rob Schneider.

Oh shit! The star of Jaws and Seaquest DSV!
We're going to need a bigger-Wait, isn't he dead?

He was robbed when they gave out the
 Oscar for Best Supporting Actor.

No, you're thinking of Roy Scheider, and yes, lamentably he is dead. I'm talking about Rob Schneider, the star of The Hot Chick, and two-time Sylvester Stallone side kick. Schneider, a life-long Democrat who the Washington Times has generously referred to as an actor says he'd become so disillusioned with the DNC that he took his vitamin business out of state. Yeah, his vitamin business. In addition to inspiring a generation of douchebags to quote his Richmeister character, Schneider is also a medical genius.

Pictured: Hitler's invasion of Poland...
or possibly a vaccination, I forget which.

Here's the noted Schneintist Tweeting a comparison between California's vaccination laws and the Nazis (or Nazi's):

Rob Schneider @ RobSchneider

Today, California passed a law to force parents to get a Doc's permisison to not vaccinate kids or they can't attend school! 

Nazi's [sic]

Send a Minut-uh, does he
not know what that means?

Of course, not living in California isn't going to stop Schneider from putting his considerable political clout behind Republican Assemblyman Tim Donnelly for Governor. Donnelly is a vocal supporter of walking around airports with loaded guns as well as the self-appointed boarder guards of the Minuteman Project. Guns? Check. Hates Mexicans? Check. Wow, when Rob Schneider switches parties, he goes all the way, you almost have to admire that.

Yes, Rob, let's go with that.

"The last time I made a movie was seven years ago and that's because we're not being competitive."

-Rob Schneider, 

not deluding himself.

Acting, medicine, politics, truly he is a renaissance man.

Hmm...Renaissance Man, starring Rob Schneider as Leonardo Da Vinci's dimwitted assistant who has to help him woo Mona Lisa played by rabid-foam lunatic Victoria Jackson. Holy shit, I've just written his comeback movie. You're welcome Mr. Schneider. 

Man, between this and the party's stubborn refusal to give John Boener everything he wants, it looks like the DNC is doomed.

"With Deuce Bigalow on our side, no force on Earth can oppose us!"

Yes, it's just like 9/11...

Hey, you know what's not in any way like stopping terrorists from flying planes into buildings? Shutting down the government because you don't like Obamacare. But that didn't stop Congressman John Culberson from saying the following in reference to a vote which would (temporarily) hold off the government shutdown: "I said, like 9/11, let's roll!"

"I'm just sorry I couldn't think of a way to compare Obamacare to the Holocaust 
but if you give me a few minutes I'm sure I can come up with something."

-John Culberson, Republican 

from, wait for it...Texas

Except instead of pulling people from
the rubble, they're saving them from
affordable healthcare...uh...hurray?

"Are you guys ready? Okay, let's roll" are the last known words of United Airlines Flight 93 passenger Todd Beamer who, along with several other passengers attempted to take control of the plane from the hijackers on 9/11. So I think in Culberson's scenario, it's 9/11, the House of Representatives is Flight 93, Obamacare is a terrorist plot to murder thousands of people and the only way he and his fellow Republicans can stop it is by bravely and selflessly threatening to shut down the government. Holy shit, they're heroes!

Or...you know, the opposite. Their plan is to shut down the government thus hurting government employees and costing taxpayers millions of dollars unless the Democrats give in to their demands and give them whatever the hell they want. Look, I don't want to play the 'let's compare people with whom we disagree to terrorists game' but seriously? 

"No, no, you don't have to thank us. Just remember that we're the party 
who fought to avoid the government shutdown we threatened you with."

-John Boener, pretty much

summing up Republican logic

Sex Box: it's bigger on the inside.

You know, like the TARDIS? From Doctor Who? No? Fine, anyway, the BBC is producing a new show called Sex Box and the premise is that a live studio audience in going to watch a couple have sex and then they'll all sit around and talk about it, probably over a cup of tea.

Seriously, British people cannot get enough tea.
It's like us with the assault rifles.

Where do you think that kid came from?
Yup, British people doin' it, probably
in a box. A sex box. 

Now before you get all outraged by England's depraved, hedonistic ways and start 'well I never-ing'  I should mention that the sexy time will be happening in an enclosed, opaque box on the set. Wai-wah? Yeah, the audience is going to sit patiently while the couple gets it on in the titular (settle down) and opaque Sex Box. I'm not sure then what the Sex Box accomplishes, I mean, the couple might as well be in a motel down the street, but I think there's room on television for more adult conversations about sex.

Of course this does raise the question of what the hosts will be doing to fill the time while their guests are having box-sex. My vote is for everyone to run around in circles to that music from the Benny Hill Show.

Pictured: What studio audiences will be staring at for 10-40 minutes.
Not pictured: awkward jokes about wining the Sex Box home version.

It turns out that sometimes
the pizza guy really is
just there to deliver pizza.

Despite the lack of explicit sex-nanigans, people are already freaking out about the show. Some think it's a shameless attempt to grab ratings while others think it's a shameless ratings grab. Of course, they're both right, but then putting anything on television is an attempt to get people to watch, so I don't see what the problem is. The producers are hoping to 'reclaim sex' from the distorted way it's presented in porn and in the media and that's valid. I mean there're entire generations growing up thinking that sex only happens in green-hued night vision on reality shows. Sure, the Sex Box itself is a gimmick, but then the point of the show is the post-scrumping discussion so I don't see what the big deal is. Ever stayed in a Marriot? Depending on what floor you're on there's a decent chance that you are surround on both sides as well as above and below by people screwing. At least Sex Box is sound proof.

Unsurprisingly, Americans are already uncomfortable. Here, watch this clip from Good Morning America. Host Lara Spencer can't bring herself to introduce the segment without tittering uncomfortably like a fifth-grader watching the So you're going through puberty... video in sex ed. They even called the segment 'Going too far?' so viewers at home wouldn't think for a moment that ABC approves of people having the sex. Holy shit, do we need Sex Box USA.

Sex in front of a live studio audience! Going too far!
TV show features intimate moments! Hey guys, I think
you forgot to mention the donkey show...

Andiamo boicottare Barilla!

It's (probably) Italian for 'Let's boycott Barilla!' Yup, it looks like it is no longer ok to eat Barilla brand pasta after the hilariously named Guido Barilla said that his company will never use a gay family in its advertising. Why? Because he's an idiot. So for those keeping track, we're boycotting pasta, Hobby Lobby, Chic-fil-A (twice), Ender's Game and Russia.

They will however use tiny naked babies with wings wielding
forks and fighting for control of a plate of spaghetti because...uh...Europe?

Here, enjoy some of the some stupid, stupid remarks he made during a radio interview:

Hey Guido, why don't you try another
brand. Here, eat a big ol' bag of this one.

"For us, the concept of sacred family remains one of the fundamental values of the company...If gays like our pasta and our communication, they will eat our pasta. If not, they can avoid it and eat another brand...I won't do an ad with a homosexual family not because I disrespect gays - they have a right to do whatever they want without disturbing others - but I don't think like them and I think that the family we try to address is anyway a classic family."

-Guido Barilla, chairman of Barilla Pasta
...really? His parents named him Guido?

Well, it's great that Guido has given his blessing to hot gay sex (as long as it doesn't disturb others) but did I miss the part where we all decided to ask the pasta industry to weigh in on what constitutes a family? 

Pictured: Classic Family preparing some Barilla Brand ® pasta for dinner.
Not pictured: Gay people, because seriously, do they even eat pasta?
And don't get me started on the single-parents and childless couples...

Above: A guy who doesn't know
when to keep his penne-hole shut.

You know, all he had to do was go ten minutes in an interview without trashing gay people. Would that have really been so hard? I mean he runs a major corporation, shouldn't he know better than to opine about other people's sex lives? Sure, I guess the interviewer asked him directly if we'd be seeing gay people in a Barilla ad someday, but holy shit, would it have killed him to just say something like: "Sure, why not? Gays love pasta too!"? It's not that the guy isn't entitled to his own narrow, medieval opinion, it's that he should keep it to himself if he'd like to do business in the 21st century.

"A family? No, we just found this kid on the 
ground and decided to raise it together."

He tried to apologize, but just kind of made it worse saying that: "In the interview, I simply wanted to highlight the role of women in the family." And that "[Barilla] has always chosen to represent the family because this is the symbol of hospitality and affection for everyone." Oy. So not only is this guy unaware that there are lesbians in the world, but he's also missing the point that the definition of family is bigger than 'the people from whom you inherit your pasta company.'

Oh, and just out of curiosity, why is a radio show interviewing the chairman of Barilla in the first place? I know it's Italy, and pasta's probably a bigger deal there, but for real, who's tuning in for that? 

"Shadda upa you face, he's a going to talk abouta the pasta!"

-Italian people

(sorry)

By the way, I don't know if you clicked on the first link, but the BBC article totally wins for most adorable headline. Behold:

Here, I'll type it the way they'd say it:
Italian pastah brand Bariller in gay advert raow.

Let's give Apple more money!

Oh, and don't feel too bad for Apple. Sure, that L.A. iPhone scam we talked about will probably hurt their fourth quarter earnings forecast portfolio or whatever, but I just gave them $80 for another new power supply for my goddamn computer, so they'll be alright.

"Q4 was looking pretty grim, but fortunately some idiot bought one of our
 power cords instead of picking up a third-party one on Amazon for like 20 bucks.
We're ok for now, but we are screwed if people start figuring this out."

-Steve, CFO Apple Inc.

Although that would be rad.

Yeah, this one's going to be a rant, so if you want to bail out now, I understand. Anyway, this is my third power cable for a three year-old laptop. That's like one a year. And before you ask, no, I don't use the power cable as grappling hook to swing through the city fighting crime, I just use it to recharge my computer; its intended function. I don't crimp it or roll it up too tightly. Most of the time it just sits there. How then, can I possibly be on my third power cable?

Above: Normal wear and tear.

I'm left with the realization that Apple sometimes makes less-than-stellar (read: shitty) products. Take my phone for example. You know that button on the top that let's you turn the thing off? Yeah, mine doesn't work. I took it to the Apple store and was all, Hey, my off button doesn't work. You know what they told me? Normal wear and tear. I mean, it's an 'on/off' button which, after 18 months, no longer turns anything 'on' or 'off.' That's not normal wear and tear, that's a catastrophic systems failure.

So why in the name of hell did I just give Apple another $80? Why will I probably spring for another iPhone whatever when it's time to get a new cell? Why not get a just get a Galaxy or a PC or something and finally cut the cord? What have they done to me?

"All Apple devices are coated with a water-soluble form of meth, which you
 absorb through the skin just by touching them. In fact, while I've been
speaking you've become hopelessly addicted to our products."

-Chet, Genius

Boise, Idaho Apple Store

Hey Apple, all kidding aside,
do you guys take blood? 

I don't know if it's because the stuff they make is pretty, or because the hip, young, attractive people at the genius bar won't think I'm cool anymore, but somehow going back to Windows has become too terrible to contemplate. But seriously Apple, enough is enough. I'm not made of money. Like most humans, I'm made of water and organs and things, and that's worth like nothing. Unless you count blood, I...I suppose I could get something for that...look, the point is that five or six more letdowns like this, and I might think about considering switching.

Wearing a cape doesn't make you Batman.

Hey look everybody, NRA spokesloon Wayne LaPierre solved the problem of gun-related violence this morning on Meet the Press. The plan:

Say it with me now: more fucking guns!

Yup, in the wake of yet another mass shooting (the one at the Naval Yard in Washington, not Friday's shooting in Chicago, one at a time please) he had this to say:

When will people come to see the wisdom
that lay beneath that stately comb-over?

"...in a post 9-11 world, a naval base within miles from [sic] Congress, the White House, seven miles from here, largely left unprotected a terrorist target, a high-value terrorist target, completely unprotected, that can't stand. The NRA is calling today for layers of security around our military bases and the other thing we need to look at letting the men and women that know firearms and are trained in them do what they do best which is protect and survive."

-Wayne LaPierre

Yeah, we won't be image searching
that one. Here're some kittens instead.

That's right U.S. Military, the NRA is demanding more security, so get on that. You guys really dropped the ball on this one. I suppose hindsight like that is why the NRA keeps trotting Wayne out every time there's a mass shooting. So, um, why are we even looking to the NRA for a statement? I mean, isn't that a little like turning to NAMBLA whenever a pedophile gets busted? Of course their answer to gun violence is more guns, their entire existence as an organization is centered around convincing more people to pack heat.

When you find yourself agreeing with
Ted Nugent, it's time to reevaluate.

So you might recognize this as LaPierre's 'good guys with guns will stop the bad guys with guns' argument again, which is the same one he made after the Sandyhook massacre, and again after the Boston Marathon bombings. It's also basically the same idea Ted Nugent harped on after Aurora: more people with guns equals more people ready to spring into action and take down a crazed gunman. I don't know, I'd have thought that more guns would just mean an increased likelihood of people getting shot, but then I'm not so great with math.

I am however good at comparing real life issues to Batman and it takes more than a cape to make you Batman.

It takes an awesome costume, billions of dollars, a sweet car, a loyal butler,
and a tragic family backstory which, incidentally, involves a lunatic with a gun.

30% of police academy candidates
wash out during the sound effects exam.

What I mean by that is that just because someone has a gun and the training to operate it doesn't make them qualified to fight crime. That's why we have police, and their training is a little more extensive than shoot the bad guy. They have things like procedure and back-up and they wear badges so people know that they're not just a bunch of gun-toting weirdos.