Van Gone!

Seriously? Can you believe that anyone would-huh? What am I on about? I'm on about this. It's a story about how some thieves smashed the front window of the Singer Laren Museum in Amsterdam last night and stole The Parsonage Garden at Nuenen in Spring 1884. I mean, what's wrong with people that they would-no, it's a Van Gogh painting, they didn't steal a garden. I didn't know what it was either, but I don't know much about art. You may recall however that I've recently started having very strong opinions about art.

Pictured: The Parsonage Garden at Nuenen in Spring 1884 from
 the artist's early period, characterized by long paintings with long titles.

Pictured: fortunately all those kids
went on to be professional players.

(source: sarcasm)

Well, not educated opinions, I went to public grade school where the official policy was essentially "Pfft, art's gay. We've got plenty of money for sports though!" I mean would it have killed them to-huh? No, I'm not still bitter about this, who said I was? What were we talking about? Right, art. Again, not an expert, but it bothers me that people buy up important works of art and then stick them in their bathrooms or whatever so no one but themselves and presumably anyone they let use the bathroom can enjoy them. Like when Oprah sold that Klimt painting to some rando. I think I'm an art communist.

Dutch people always look happy,
but trust me, he's pissed.

Anyway, at least with art hoarding we know where something is. Again, usually a rich person's bathroom. But for all we know this Van Gogh is in a garage or in someone's trunk of maybe it's even been destroyed. Last night's theft left Jan Rudolph, the director of the Singer Laren, shocked and unbelievably pissed off:

"I am shocked and unbelievably pissed off..."

-Jan Rudolph, director of

the Singer Lar-what? Did 

you think I was kidding?

Glass: why do we make things
out of it? It's famously breakable.

What's worse is that the painting didn't even belong to the Singer-Laren, but was on loan from another museum, thus ripping off two museums. And in addition to the loss to both the art world and to Jan Rudolph's natural Dutch calm, this theft was also an example of some shitheels taking advantage of the disruption caused by the pandemic. The museum had been closed for weeks and while the museum says that while their security was adequate, the painting was in the main lobby and protected by, you know, glass. 

Which, upon reflection seems less than adequate, but then I'm not a museum director. Incidentally, would I make a good museum director? I mean, I think the first thing I'd do is take the super-valuable, irreplaceable works of art out of the lobby and put them somewhere less glass-surrounded. 

The broken door has since been replaced by a plywood one, so no one's
getting in there now. Unless they pull hard. Or break a different glass door...

He knows it's not slander when it's true, right?

Pictured: the Administration's handling
of the Coronavirus Pandemic.

In a totally not at all fascist move, the Trump 2020 campaign has demanded that TV stations stop airing ads that dare to suggest that Donald Trump made a goat-rodeo out of the pandemic. You might recall throughout this crisis the President's stated position on the virus has moved from "it's a Democrat hoax" to "no need to worry about the Chinese virus" before settling on "this will be over by Easter, America's open for business and besides, hasn't Grandma been alive long enough?"

The ad is called "Exponential Threat" and is a series of audio clips of the President's preposterous claims about how not a big deal this all is and how it's like fifteen cases max and congratulating himself on doing such a great job, played over a graph of rapidly escalating number of cases. Pretty damning stuff, right?

Such a great job. A tremendous job. We just surpassed China in total
number of cases, so yeah, we're number one. U-S-A! U-S-A!

Remember that time he was caught on
tape bragging about sexual assault?

The ad, paid for by a pro-Biden PAC, makes the case that by downplaying the global pandemic and insisting that everything it under control and that we're like a week or two out from business as usual that the President is perhaps ill-suited for the office. I mean, the nerve right? To use audio recording of things the President has said to trick voters into thinking that he said them? Wait, this sounds familiar...anyway, in response, the Trump campaign is threatening TV stations with the loss of their FCC license if they refuse to stop airing the ads.

Now if that sounds like the President of the United States is using his position to silence critics in the run up to an election, that's just because the President of the United States is using his position to silence critics in the run up to an election. Who knows if it'll work, I mean, it can't possibly be legal, but then that's never stopped him before. Luckily for him we're in the middle of a pandemic, so he'll probably never face the consequences.

"This is no time to be talking about high crimes and misdemeanors, we're
in the middle of a crisis. A crisis that's no big deal, and probably a hoax."

-The guy millions of people are still going to vote for

Today on "Star Trek: Sorry About Nemesis"

I'm sorry, would you prefer I talked
about the real world? No? Thought not.

I just watched the finale of Star Trek: Picard, and I have feelings about it and well, this being the internet, I thought I'd share them in the one-way conversation that is blogging. If you haven't already seen it go watch it. Or don't. I'm not the boss of you. I mean, I like, it but it's not for everyone. I am however going to talk about it regardless so if you want to go into it unspoilt, now's the time to bail out. Still with me? Because I'm serious, totally going to talk about how it ends.

Last chance. Still there? Ok. I'm really into this show as a show. Like, I support what it tries to do, which is to tell a new story with an aged Jean-Luc Picard in a grittier, more real version of Star Trek's future utopia. One that's more reflective of the complicated times in which we live now. And I think it pulls that off for the most part.

Again, I said for the most part.

"Hey there, me again. Uh...fuck."

-Admiral Clancy

Not just in terms of how the world is a grayer, more nuanced place than it was on TNG, but everything just feels more real. Everyone swears, Riker and Troi have experienced serious loss and Picard is as feeble and mortal (we'll get to that) as you'd expect for someone in their nineties to be. Well, their nineties in the 24th century which I guess translates to one's late 70's in 21st century Earth years, which is conveniently Sir Patrick Stewart's age. The world of Picard feels like what the world of TNG would be like if it were a real place.

All that was missing was a
scene set in a well-lit cave. 

But this last episode, and the part one that came out last week, felt a little more like a old TNG episode. For both good and ill. It had all the trappings. There was a face off with a Romulan Commander. An evil android twin and another Dr. Soong who looks exactly like Brent Spiner. There was a nefarious scheme unmasked at the last second and then Picard saving the universe through the awesome power of moralizing soliloquies. But let's face it, that's what we came for even if it does walk back some of the show's strides towards a more grounded Star Trek.

Fortunately Star Trek's never been guilty
of the fake-out death scene before.

But then Picard died, and came back as an android which...I don't know. I should have known he wasn't going to be permanently dead. I mean, Riker just peaced out after staring down Commodore Oh's fleet, and it would have been incredibly weird for them to kill off Picard without Riker there. Especially with Jonathan Frakes already in the episode. Still though, it was a genuinely emotional death scene they kind of undermined by bringing him back two minutes later.

Yes, this. More of this.

Over all though, it was a solid end to a worthy follow-up to TNG. It's great that we're not stuck with Nemesis as the farewell for these characters anymore and I say bring on more TNG cameos. That said, can I...do you mind if I do some nitpicking? You don't? Super. I mean, again, loved it. But as a nerd with internet access, I feel obligated to point out the things that I didn't love or the things that didn't make a lot of sense.

On the other hand, Wolf 359 didn't go that
well, so maybe they're hedging their bets?

So first of all, the ship-tease. We waited all season for Starfleet to show up and then when we get Riker's fleet to the rescue, it's not the Titan (Riker's ship mentioned in Nemesis) and it's not the Enterprise. Instead it's a fleet of like a hundred identical and not terribly interesting starships. Usually when we see a fleet of Federation ships, it's a bunch of re-uses of old models and eclectic one-offs the art department threw together, but these were all kinda generic. And how'd they throw together that many ships on short notice? Like, they could only manage forty for Wolf 359 and that was a Borg invasion.

Still though, it makes more
sense than her and Chakotay. 

Also, I am thrilled that the final shot hints that Raffi and Seven of Nine are a thing now. That's super. Star Trek is finally making up for decades of being behind the curve when it comes to queer representation. But for real, when did this happen? Maybe I need a re-watch from the begining, but I don't remember them having much screen time together in Stardust City Rag much less enough to suggest that they'd be doing couple fingers over the table at the end. Here's hoping season two fleshes this out somehow. Probably with flashbacks. This show loves flashbacks.

Look, I'm not not happy to see Data, and
I'm glad they finally fixed his wig, but
I mean, Q. Q! It would have been great.

And finally that scene with Data. Don't get me wrong, it was touching and wonderful, and my issue with it isn't a criticism of the show, it's just me. So the scene opens with a shot of Picard, who was presumably dead, sitting by a fire place facing an empty chair. And for a brief moment I expected Q to pop in and bring Picard's story full circle. After all, in Tapestry, Q It's a Wonderful Life'ed Picard after he's injured on an away mission and it just seemed perfect that we'd see John DeLancy in some amazing surprise ending.

But alas, it was not meant to be. Instead we get a poignant farewell with Data, something Nemesis really dropped the ball on. It was great, just not as great as the thing I briefly thought it was going to be. Does that make sense? No, but I'm looking forward to more and I absolutely won't criticize the writers for not doing the thing I thought they would. Still though, it left me feeling a little, you know...you know?

"Of all sad words of tongue or pen,
the saddest are these, "it might have been."

-John Greenleaf Whittier, 

describing this exact thing

Today in let's get'em:

"I'll prescribe this, but I'll need a
note from your supervisor first."

I know, I know, we're all sick of talking about pandemics and closures and dumb idiots ignoring pandemic related closures, but are you for goddamn kidding me with this? What this? This this. It's a story from Business Insider about how Hobby Lobby refused to close despite the pandemic. Yeah, Hobby Lobby, you might remember them as the hyper-Evangelical chain of craft stores that fought and won against the federal government over having to provide healthcare that covers emergency contraceptives.

No. Do not do this.

Ok, big deal. A lot of idiot CEO's are forcing underpaid staff to put their lives at risk to stay open. But that's out of greed, Hobby Lobby's staying open because God told them they should. Sort of. According to Owner David Green, his wife received a message from God saying that "He's [God] in control." A message Green is interpreting as meaning that pipe cleaners, crochet needles, and glue sticks are essential goods during a crisis.

Yeah, Babs got a reassuring message from God, so thirty-two thousand Hobby Lobby employees can now choose between complying with local law or loosing what I can only assume is a job they only kinda care about, but need so they can eat and pay rent.

Pictured: David Green, founder of Hobby Lobby and
Barbara Green, prophet and voice of God on Earth...apparently.

"Oh yeah! I bring the word of God,
and he wants you to drink some of this!"

And look, I not knocking anyone's beliefs here, but-wait, I am knocking their beliefs. Specifically David and Barbara's belief that they, in their capacity as owners of a craft store chain, are some kind of conduit for the word of God. Admittedly, I don't know if God talks to Barbara or David or anyone else for that matter. It's not important. What is important is that it takes a special kind of terrifying hubris to suggest that God speaks through you. Claiming to be God's mouthpiece usually goes hand in hand with a bunker full of guns and arsenic-laced Koo-Aid.

I'll believe Jesus appeared in this
tortilla before I'll believe he talks
to Dave and Barbara Green.

I'm not saying Barbara and David Green are insane for taking a message from God seriously, just insane for thinking that God cares about whether or not their dumb craft stores are open or not. Insane and possibly criminal for asking employees to endanger themselves and the customers by defying shelter in place orders. I'm no theologian, but from what I do understand of the Green's purported faith, I'm pretty sure God's pissed at them. Not just for their appalling wealth-Jesus famously not pro rich-but also for their appalling contempt for the people that work for them.

I mean, look at this. Don't worry, I'll sum up. A memo has surfaced in which the company is instructing managers to deny sick leave to employees. Instead, staff are to use up personal vacation time and when that runs out just be poor I guess. Did I mention that the Greens are worth four point nine billion dollars? Of money? Because this is a bold, dickish move for someone so rich when civilization is so close to collapse...

Conveniently, Hobby Lobby sells the thick wooden dowels and picture nails
 we can use to fashion the crude spiked clubs we'll need for the coming upheaval.

More like Game-Reluctantly-Stop...

"I still haven't recovered
from how scathing it was!"

-this stock photo person

Well, it looks like I shamed them into it. Huh? Who? Why GameStop. You might recall that last week I wrote a scathing indictment of the company's reckless insistence that used video games and Monster Energy drinks constituted essential goods and services and that they were therefore not required to shut down during this pandemic. Well, now they've relented and the only conclusion I can draw is that it was because I took them to task. You're welcome. Of course increasingly stringent health department orders from state and local officials as well as the universal condemnation on social media probably didn't hurt.

They're simply not paid enough to come
in contact with customers. No one is.

The company has announced that they are cutting back to just fulfilling online orders and offering a service they're calling a "contactless delivery service" which I guess is like curbside service but without customer/clerk contact which...I mean, I don't know about you, but all customer/clerk interactions should be contactless right?  Anyway, they're also offering two weeks of paid leave to employees who might not otherwise have vacation time to help bridge the gap between shelter in place and normalcy, whenever that is.

Pictured: a typical GameStop customer
getting his face all over the demo unit.

And that's cool. Retail businesses that rely on foot traffic, even chains, need to survive this, so I get why they're trying to operate in an at least reduced capacity throughout this crisis. But they don't get a cookie. I mean that metaphorically. And literally I suppose, as there's no cookie-awarding body that hands out baked goods to responsible corporations. My point is that it shouldn't have taken this long for the company to-only reluctantly-agree that their hourly employees are entitled to not risk their lives and/or heavy fines for a crappy job at GameStop.

Between the hands-on in-store demo's crawling with germs on a good, non-pandemic day to the parents who drop off their kids like the store is a daycare, it should have been an easy move-a no brainer, if you will, to close the doors to the public. It's like, how many kids have to get eaten by Jaws before that idiot Mayor closes the beach?

Again, I mean, that metaphorically, although for real, the Governor of Florida
waited until to today, literally today to do exactly that so, here we are I guess.

Nothing short of Zur and the Ko-Dan Armada...

Look, despite being a functional adult who still plays video games, I-even I, can not envision a national disaster in which video games would be by any stretch considered essential. 

Ok, fine, maybe in some kind of Last Starfighter
scenario, but we're not quite there yet, are we?

Pictured: essential goods.

I bring this up because video game retailer GameStop, in a move seemingly designed to consume whatever pity goodwill gamers may have felt towards them, are staying open despite not only health department orders to close, but also the very real threat of infection both to staff and customers. According to video game website Kotaku, who got a hold of a company memo, GameStop's management feels that the store provides "essential goods and services."

Well, the 10% trade in bonus is higher than the
diseases' morality rate. That's just math.

Or in their own, shockingly callous, interoffice and not-meant for public consumption words:

"Due to the products we carry that enable and enhance our customers' experience in working from home, we believe GameStop is classified as essential retail and therefore is able to remain open during this time..."

-GameStop Corporate, presumably 

with a straight face

First of all, exactly zero people have died from an inability to buy video games and Funko Pops. Zero. Thousands have however died from ignoring the warnings to stay home during the pandemic. Secondly, very few people were going to GameStop before all this started. If they weren't an essential retailer then, what makes them think anything has changed?

Above: like, most GameStops.

Not having to deal with people
is one of the best parts of gaming...

Now, I realize that social isolation and video games have a history going back to the very beginning of the industry, but we live in a world where whether we like it or not, physical media is less essential than it's ever been. Wanna play Witcher III? Cool, depending on your connection, you could have it on your console in what? Twenty minutes? A hour? Maybe longer if you live in the sticks, but the point is there's no reason you need a physical copy of a game anymore, at least no reason worth risking your life over. Your employees' lives however...

"Who am I to judge? Ahh?"

-Some hilarious judge

But that can't be legal, can it? Well, according to Kotaku, if local authorities try and tell employees to "holy shit, go home, what are you people doing?" they are asked to direct said authorities to call GameStop corporate HQ. That intensely hot sensation you're feeling? That's rage-well, I think it's rage, maybe take your temperature? But it's probably just rage. Hey, and ok, I'm not like, a legal expert or anything, but I've got to think that local shelter in place orders supersede the authority invested in goddamn GameStop, right?

I guess what I'm saying is that this is the dickest of dick moves from a bunch of executives whom I can only assume are secure in their executive bunkers, surrounded by unlimited sickdays and the best medical insurance rich people and only rich people can afford while their hourly, be-namedtaged grunts risk illness and possibly death to keep an already doomed retailer going a few more weeks.

Because for real, it's not like Tim and let's say Carol here have
generous health benefits and severance packages to look forward to.

Also, there're more swears!

Are fans not digging Picard? I ask because I was reading this thing about-huh? Yeah, we're going to talk about Star Trek. Yes again, and yes, in the middle of-you know. Speaking of, and I sincerely don't want to be speaking of, you'll be glad to know that Gap, Barnes and Noble, Warby Parker, Target, and GameStop have all sent emails about how they're closely monitoring the outbreak and how they're taking steps to protect their valued customers.

Yeah, but no one was going in to GameStop before
there was a highly contagious virus so...

"Here, let's disengage with the news.
Do you, do you uh, see what I did there?"

-Picard, being clever

So Star Trek. Usually this is the part where I warn you that I'm going to talk about some nerd thing, and then give you the option to back out but something tells me you're going to ride this one out. Seriously, it's this or we talk about the pandemic some more. Still with me? Super. So Indiwire interviewed Micheal Chabon about Picard, a show he's writing for/show running, and he mentioned some negative fan reactions to the series for being too different from Star Trek TNG, and I guess I hadn't clocked that there was a backlash. Oh, and spoilers if you're not caught up.

So Picard is super different. I mean, for one thing everyone says "fuck" a lot more than on TNG. To be clear I don't mind the no longer bound by standards and practices freedom the writers have, I just question the in-universe explanation for the sudden rediscovery of 21st century slang. It'd be like us saying zounds.

"Welcome to my fucking office."

-Admiral Clancy, Starfleet

Pictured: that time they blew
up Commander Remmick's head.

Obviously there are more differences than casual swearing. Picard for example, a character who seemed so old when I was ten, is now elderly and not the captain of anything. And with a couple notable and brief exceptions, we don't really see him interacting with familiar characters and that's all fine. Also the show's tone is much more cynical and grounded with way more violence and gore. And at first blush it might strike fans as not in line with Gene Roddenberry's utopia, but I don't think Roddenberry's utopia was as utopia-y as we remember it being. 

I don't want to tell Oh how to mastermind a
conspiracy, but if you want to be taken seriously,
maybe find sunglasses that fit your face?

Sure, Admiral Clancy says fuck a lot, but-so far anyway-she's apparently not in on the big conspiracy that motivates the show's plot. Which would be a first for a Starfleet Admiral. Admiral Cartwright from Star Trek VI was in on the assassination of the Klingon Chancellor, Admiral Pressman on TNG tried to cover up a secret experiment that killed his crew and Admiral Leyton on DS9 tried to pull off a coup. Sure, Commodore Oh appears to be the big bad, but what I'm getting at is that Starfleet internal affairs needs to get their shit together. 

"Just uh...just thought I'd drop by."

-Lando Calrissian, seen

here collecting a check

Ok, so graphic violence: check. Duplicitous, high ranking Starfleet officers engaging in murder and cover-ups: double check. Feels pretty Star Trekky to me. As for the absence of familiar characters, Chabon describes a pressure to include more, but doesn't want to do it just to do it. Like, remember how Lando Calrissian showed up in Rise of Skywalker, but didn't really do anything other than chuckle avuncularly and have his scenes deleted? I want to see Admiral Janeway and Captain Worf again too, but I get why Chabon is reluctant. 

"Hey, how's it going? Did you know
people are panic buying toilet paper?"

-Twitter, ruining your day 

I'm not really able to be objective about Picard. As long as Jean-Luc Picard is doing space stuff, I'm there for it. All the guest appearances and call backs are icing. I suppose I can see why it's rubbed some people the wrong way but I don't know if it's really all that grittier or more cynical. Chabon points out that it's a darker world we live in than it was in 1987 when TNG started but is it really? Some really not great things happened in the 80's too. I think it's just that we're more aware of today's shitshow thanks to the unrelenting background radiation of social media. 

Too Short a Season also dealt with the
tragedy of bad age make-up. I mean, had
the make-up team never seen an old?

America in 1987 saw the Iran Contra Affair and the AIDS epidemic and lived with the ever present threat of nuclear war. Some pretty dark stuff and all of it came through on TNG, just Star Trek-ified. The Romulan stood in for the USSR and had a Cold War relationship with the Federation. The Iran Contra affair inspired Season 1's Too Short a Season. And AIDS? Ok, they didn't talk about AIDS until the second season of Enterprise and even then they fumbled it hardcore, but I guess what I'm saying is that Picard is what TNG would be if it was being made now. Which it kind of is. But with more swearing. So much swearing.

And look, I don't work for CBS and have no stake in you watching Picard, especially if Star Trek isn't your cuppa. What I am saying is that if you are a fan and you're feeling butthurt that it's not a straight continuation of TNG, maybe give it a shot and bear in mind that the last time we saw these characters was Nemesis. Which was garbage. I don't care how long we're all stuck at home, skip Nemesis.

Didn't see that one? Here, I'll sum up: Picard's secret clone takes over the Romulan
Empire and vows to destroy the Earth for some reason. Also he needs Picard's blood
to live, I guess? The movie was kind of unclear on that point. Oh, and Data explodes.

In these uncertain times...

Pictured: The real victims here.

As we sink ever deeper into crisis it's important to keep in mind that we're Americans. We've made it through the Great Depression, two World Wars, 9/11 and now this. With the strong, steady hand of a dedicated public servant at the helm of the ship of state to guide us through, I'm sure we can-oh, right. We've got a rambling narcissistic gameshow host tearing his butterscotch coiffure out over how the pandemic is affecting the Dow Jones. We're screwed is what I'm saying.

Or are we? Well, yes, but you will be relieved to know, as I was, that Old Navy is closely monitoring the situation-presumably from Old Navy's state-of-the-art pandemic crisis monitoring center. Test assured they are taking all necessary steps to make sure that even now, with everything going on, we'll get through this together.

"Westfield Mall is out of women's medium tanks. Repeat: Westfield is
out of women's medium tanks. We trained for this people. Let's go to work."

According to the reassuring email sent to me by the Old Navy marketing department, the company will be:

• monitoring all stores to ensure they are stocked with the appropriate cleaning supples
• increasing the frequency of regularly scheduled cleanings and sanitization efforts across our stores and distribution centers...
• recommending all employees take precautionary health measures, including frequent hand washing, social distancing, staying home when sick, and pausing all non-essential work travel

"Paid...paid sick days for..."

-Old Navy execs

Cool, so cleaning supplies, hand washing and not coming to work when you're sick. Um...thanks? I mean, the CDC and the WHO have been saying this for a while now, but sure, way to take the most basic, sensible precautions. How 'bout paid sick days for staff? Most retail employees can't afford to miss a-wai-hey, do you hear that? It sounds like laughter? Anyway, the best part is where the retailer suggests that not only do they care about me and my loved ones, but also that I should come shop at their store in the middle of all this.

Pictured: a bastion of certainty
in an uncertain world.

I mean, just try to read this without tearing up:

"In these uncertain times, the one thing that remains unwavering is our commitment to bring you and your loved ones the most considerate (and fun!) shopping experience possible. Currently, we remain open in your local neighborhoods and are always ready to welcome you 24/7 on oldnavy.com."

-Old Navy, unwaveringly

Move over a mother's love, Old Navy's
commitment to our shopping experience
is the one thing we can all count on.

Really? In these uncertain times the one thing that remains unwavering is Old navy's commitment to me, my family and my shopping experience. That's the one unwavering thing? I find that...bleak. I'm sure whoever wrote this though it sounded, I don't know, thoughtful? But then they suggest that we come on down to our local Old Navy and shop, secure in the knowledge that the staff is washing their hands more than usual. Which, is it me or does this kind of fly in the face of them caring about their customers not catching this thing?

Like, which is it? Do they want us to be safe from this outbreak which is killing dozens, putting thousands more at risk and threatening to plunge the global economy into a recession or do they want to sell us slim fit jeans and polos?

"Sure you've put yourself and others at unnecessary risk, but I mean, the savings, right?"

-Some doctor