Shut up, Gary Bauer's got a full head of hair.

Say, did you know that there's a president of American Values? Ok, so actually it's not the abstract concept of American values, but rather a conservative Christian political group called American Values. But anyway, here's President Gary Bauer and a thing he said:

Above: American values.

"A lot of people are changing their mind because there's been a full-court blitz by the popular culture, by elites, by all kinds of folks to intimidate and to cower [sic] people and to no longer defend marriage as being between a man and a woman..."

-Gary Bauer, President of American Values

and High Commissioner of Apple Pie

"Yeah! Suck on it values voters!"

-The Liberal Elite

If you pull out the bigoted, paranoid and vaguely homoerotic rhetoric, Bauer is suggesting that the wide spread support for same-sex marriage isn't the result of the increased visibility of gays and lesbians in our popular culture, the heightened awareness of the iniquities endured by LGBT Americans, or the slow, steady march towards equality that every civil rights movement has had to go through. Nope, he's saying that it's all been a conspiracy by the liberal elite whose tactics include intimidation, turning the media against conservatives and ball-handling...I guess..I don't know, it's his metaphor (see below).

Speaking of which, if you're simply too gay to know what the hell a 'full-court blitz' is, don't worry, I looked it up. Apparently it isn't really a thing, but a full court press is an aggressive strategy in the sport known as basketball 'in which one or two players harass the ball handler in the backcourt while the rest of the team maintains a close man-to-man or zone defense.'

...and here's a metaphor for what
Gary Bauer does to sports references.

I mean the Bible's not too
keen on shellfish either. Go after
Long John Silver's for a while.

Look, I'm pretty sure that marriage equality was never something that should have been decided by a show of hands (Prop 8, I'm looking at you), but now that the anti-gay marriage base has been...well, dying of old age and bitterness, public opinion has shifted against organizations like American Values. So shouldn't Gary Bauer just slink away and find something else to get righteously indignant about? Of course not, that's what denial is for.

According to Bauer, if polls show that America has gotten over its anti-gay hysteria, put on its big-nation pants and is finally ready for double groom and double bride cake toppers, then the polls must be skewed (again, probably by the ball handlers and their man-to-man zone defense).

"Look, either the numbers are wrong or I am. Who are you going to trust?
Hard, demographic data collected by professional polling organizations
or me: a guy who thinks this comb over is fooling anyone?"

-Gary Bauer, making my point

And that's only because they don't respond
well to double punching and dropkicks.

Um...ok, but wait, he's got more. He also argues that marriage (traditional or 'vanilla' marriage that is), is a special institution because it 'guarantees...that children have mothers and fathers...' and that's why gay people shouldn't be allowed to marry each other. You know, because opposite-sex marriage never ends in divorce. Wait, what? Yeah, you feel that? That's your brain's logic center exploding. Don't try to follow his argument, Bauer is basically pulling the same trick Captain Kirk used to talk computers to death on no less than five occasions.

Won't you be my Gaybor?

"Thanks Hillary, we were
just waiting for your ok!" 

-Gay People

Hey wow, Hillary Clinton is now officially comfortable with the idea of gay people getting married just like regular folk. That's awesome. If your inside voice is reading this in a sarcastic tone, I want to assure you that that's not what I intended. I think it's really, really neat that now that it's politically safe to do so, Hillary Clinton has finally decided to voice her support for marriage equality. Look, I like Hillary Clinton and will totally vote for her, but holy shit, now she supports marriage equality? Anyway, in totally more impressive news check this out. Thunder: stolen.

So like remember the Westboro Baptist Church protesters? Those asshats that hate gay people, soldiers, gay soldiers, America, other countries and...well, everything? Well they just got a new neighbor and he's awesome (although they probably hate him).

If you can get out of bed everyday and not spew hate-fueled, homophobic
pseudo-religious vitriol into the world you are better than these people. Congratulations.

Did I mention that Fred Phelps
has a pool? I didn't? Well he does.

This guy named Aaron Jackson bought the house across from the Westborough Baptist Church in Topeka Kansas and painted it rainbow. Let me make this clear: Jackson was tooling around on Google Maps, saw that there was a house for sale across from the headquarters the most rabid-foam, batshit raving hate group in America, bought it for $83,000 and painted up as a tremendous 'fuck you' to the God Hates Fags crowd.

"And then I thought, what the hell? Why not
 invent free, abundant energy forever?"

The amazing part (ok, the even more amazing part) is that this is Jackson's first foray into activism. He was just sort of looking for a way to get involved. Most of us would be content to buy a bumper sticker from the Human Rights Campaign or sign an online petition and then delete the incessant emails that keep asking for donations. Not this guy. This guy buys a goddamned house and then paints it ROY G. BITE ME. That's like thinking about buying a hybrid, but instead discovering cold fusion.

"The reason I haven't gotten into the gay rights activism is because, in a sense, it's almost silly -- it's 2013, are we really still in this position? It just seems ludicrous..."

-Aaron Jackson, pointing out the ludicrousness

Above: One of Jackson's friends substantially raising property
values in the neighborhood. Although he totally missed a spot. See?
Up top there? To the guy's left, there's like this gap in the pink...
Do you think we should tell him?

DOMA arigato Senator Portman!

Anyone else just get a warm fuzzy? 'Cause Republican Senator Rob Portman of Ohio just got on board with the gay marriage thing. It seems he finally saw the light after his son came out...two years after his son came out, but hey, progress, right?

"Vote Republican in 2120! We're finally cool with gay people and cyborgs.
You know, as long as they're not all in our face about it..."

Ironic advice given the source...

Of course, it wasn't just his son that helped Senator Portman get over the fact that there are gay people. He also consulted friends, clergy, and the opposite of both of these things, Dick Cheney. Yeah, Dick Cheney. Why him? Well, his daughter is a lesbian so that makes him the closest thing the GOP has to an expert on gayness outside of the wide-stance bathroom guy. The former Vice President told the Senator to 'follow his heart.' Follow your heart? Um...can you imagine those words belching forth from between Dick Cheney's jowls? Like just visualize that...

They get bonus points if they can
work Ronald Reagan in as well.

Of course as a Republican, Senator Portman is also required by the party's charter to reference the Bible in any and all public statements, so here's what else he said:

"The overriding message of love and compassion that I take from the Bible, and certainly the Golden Rule, and the fact that I believe we are all created by our maker, that has all influenced me in terms of my change on this issue...in a way, this strengthens the institution of marriage."

"Huh...sounds like something I'd say...
maybe somewhere in the back?"

-Jesus

Holy shit, hang on a sec, did a conservative, Christian politician just use the Bible to make the case that everyone should be treated equally? I mean, is that even in there? I was starting to get the impression that the Bible was some kind of thousand-page right-wing rant against gays, evolution and the estate tax. It's kind of refreshing to hear someone refer to the general message of  'be cool and just get along' instead of focusing on all the stoning and smiting.

1996: remembered for its anti-gay legislation
and its comically primitive cellphones.

So, the gay son, plus sage advice straight from the man-safe with just a dash of do unto others. That's quite a 180...or should I say one-gay-ty (no, no I shouldn't) for one of the sponsors of Defense of Marriage Act. Yeah, freaking DOMA. Remember that? Back in 1996 the Republican-controlled* Senate and House passed a piece of legislation that among other things said that states wouldn't have to recognize same-sex marriages performed in other states and that the Federal Government wouldn't recognize them at all.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of the Republican Party to defend it from gay people, marriage, as we all know, is now a sacred, eternal bond between man and woman and divorce is a thing of the past. 

"Our marriage would have ended in a bitter divorce years ago if the Federal Government 
recognized same-sex couple's right to tax breaks, health care and survivor's benefits. Thanks DOMA!" 

-Straight couples

Above: Pretty much.

Anyway, with the constitutionality of DOMA finally going in front of the Supreme Court later this month, Portman has chosen to stand up for what's right. Good for him. He joins with the dozens of...uh, several...um...huh, with the zero other Republican Congresspeople who support marriage equality? Seriously? Zero? Portman says that as far as he knows he's the only one in Congress to have come over to the dark side, but I don't believe it. He can not be the only Republican with a personal stake in this. It's math.

"Wow hon, dinner looks great. By the way,
I'm gay and leaving you for another man."

The idea that there are 45 Republicans in the Senate and another 232 in the House and only one of them has a gay child or sibling or is gay themselves is bullshit. Easter is coming up soon and it's traditionally a time for big family dinners so if you're gay and are related to a Republican, now would be a great time to come out to the fam. Not only will it increase the likelihood of hilarious spit takes (if you time it right) it should also shame your politician relatives into doing the right thing.


*By the way...

As much as I was hoping that noted adulterer and Moon-King Newt Gingrich was in on this whole DOMA thing, alas he wasn't there that day, I looked it up and everything. So where was he? Got me:

Although there's a decent chance he was busy
schtupping this woman, who wasn't his wife at the time.

Pope-ularity Contest*

*sorry.

Above: The faithful applaud the
announcement of Pope Xena I. 

In a stunning move, the Catholic Church has selected a half Black, half Asian, hearing impaired lesbian agnostic to be the 266th Pope. The choice heralds a new day for the once tradition-bound organization that claims over 1.2 billion members world wide. Shortly after greeting the crowd in Rome, the new Pope immediately announced plans to begin ordaining women priests, to allow same-sex couples equal marriage rights and to distribute free contraceptives in areas of the world that are suffering from the AIDS epidemic. Thus begins an era of progressiveness and inclusiveness...

Slow down there Amerigo Vespucci, are
you telling me there's a South America?

Ok, so none of that happened. The winner of the Vatican Hunger Games is Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio and he's from Argentina and assuming there're no surprises, is a dude. Being from Argentina however does mean there are some firsts here. He's the first Pope from the Americas and the first from the southern hemisphere. He's also the first non-European Pope in twelve hundred years...well, non-European in the sense that Argentina isn't in Europe, although his parents were both from Italy, the country that produced like most of the Popes. But still, this is progress, right?

Pope Francis has even vowed to put the
Holy Bong of St. Cheech on Craigslist. 

Sort of. On the upside he's big on helping the poor, sticking up for workers and eschewing the opulence and trappings of position Catholic Cardinals are sort of famous for wallowing in. As the Cardinal of Buenos Aires he sold the Archdiocese's mansion and lived in an apartment and even cooked for himself like the rest of us slobs. And just to out-humble the shit out of his fellow Cardinals, he skipped the Papal limo and took the shuttle bus with the losers...which I imagine was actually a little awkward...

"Hey, no hard feelings. Oh and anytime you want to come
over and use the Papal pool just drop me a text. Anytime."

"¡Maldito los Homosexúales!"

-Argentinians fleeing God's 

wrath after legalizing gay marriage

But if you were hoping New Pope would be any better on gay rights than Pope Classic you're out of luck. While leading the charge against the legalization of gay marriage and gay adoption in Argentina he called same sex unions "a destructive attack on God's plan" and compared gay parents adopting children to a form of discrimination (don't think about it too hard, you'll only bleed from the ears). Oh, and in case you were wondering, Argentina went ahead and made same sex marriages legal anyway and to date has not been smited by the almighty, so I'm going to go ahead and suggest that infallibility is more of a tradition than a fact. 

So why the hell do I care? I mean, as a devout Vulcantologist, Pope Francis's election has 0% bearing on my life. Still, I guess it'd just be nice to see the Church come around and stop being dickish about gay people, women and birth control...I don't know, is that asking too much of an organization that took 500 years to forgive Galileo?

"Ok everybody, when I'm gone I want you to form a massive, international organization patterned after
the Roman Empire I spent my life railing against. Then, I want you to exclude women from all the decision making
 positions and use its wealth and influence to preach against the use of contraceptives and denounce gay people as godless aberrations. Got all that? Good. Now would somebody please take this kid? She is starting to smell."

-Jesus, Chapter Nowhere, verse 0:0 of the Bible

I think someone needs to check the math...

Yeah, mandatory gun ownership. There's this town in Maine that's going to vote today on whether or not to require people to own a gun. If you said 'what the fuck for?' you'd be in good company.

Laugh all you want, but when phalanx after phalanx of crimson-clad, elite, bilingual Canadian
warriors pour over our border you'll wish you were packing some town-ordinance mandated firepower. 

The Gunderson-Willis wedding in
Ballroom C was legally a hamlet.

Ok, so to call Byron, Maine a town is kind of being generous as there's only like a hundred and forty people living in it. Population-wise it's more like a medium-sized wedding reception, but with more firepower. And since most Byronians already own guns the ordinance is more about symbolism. Not literary symbolism of course, but the crazy reactionary kind felt by the people you thought were normal until they started sharing Tea-Party slogans and out-of-context Bible verses on Facebook. You know, the people you block?

"Silence interloper!"

-Typical meeting of the

Board of Selectmen, Byron, ME

Byron's Board of Selectmen already passed the ordinance and have put it to the townspeople to vote on. And no, I don't know what a Board of Selectmen is either. I guess it's like a city council, but I picture poorly lit, ominous figures in robes.

"It was never my intention to force anyone to own a gun who doesn't want to. My purpose is to make a statement in support of the Second Amendment..." 

-Head Selectman Anne Simmons-Edmund

the proposer of the thing 

The law would carry the about the
same legal weight as Leif Erikson Day

In many ways-wait, what? Yeah, I also think it's a little odd that she's not Head Selectwoman. Anyway, whatever her title is, her proposal is kind of bullshit to begin with. According to the story, Maine law doesn't allow towns to legislate on firearms. So even if 'force people to own a gun' law passed, it wouldn't really be a thing. So why waste everyones time? Well, publicity probably. She's trying to show that there are actual responsible people out there who take their gun ownership seriously and who feel threatened by recent laws restricting guns and ammunition. 

Because curious students could never
get past the locks on these babies.

Ok, I guess I can respect her position...sort of...I assume most gun owners are responsible, level-headed people, right? I mean, we haven't all been gun-murdered have we? I would have thought that passing an ordinance requiring more gun safety classes or handing out lock boxes to gun owners might make more sense but hey, I'm not the Head Selectman. In any case pretending to require your 139 neighbors to to pack heat is practically sane compared to this shit. South Dakota just joined Utah and Texas on the list of states that allow teachers and school staff to carry guns in school. What could possibly go wrong?  

I know gun people are a little jittery right now given the number of massacres their hobby is linked to, but for real. Even the teachers in South Dakota agree that this is NRA knee-jerk lunacy. Like, how can the solution to gun violence possibly be more goddamn guns?

How? The same way the solution to the problem of drug addition is more goddamn meth.

Salem Missouri: The Home of Irony!

As if to balance the cosmic scales after Fox News' recent witch-slapping of America's Pagans, a Federal Judge has ordered a Missouri Public Library to stop blocking access to websites it deemed 'criminal' or 'occult.' Criminal and occult by Missouri standards being anything that makes panicky, miss-informed parents go 'won't somebody please think about the children?'

In fairness, 87% of Missouri PTA members suffer from Helen Lovejoy syndrome. 

"Wow Bill, those new traffic cams are
practically paying for themselves!"

-Salem MO Mayor Gary Brown

So criminal and occult? Surly they were blocking websites on how to break into cars and summon Cthulhu from the depths, right? Nope. According to the ACLU suit, the blocked sites included not only websites about Wicca and astrology, two subjects often lumped into the 'occult' category, but also sites about Native American beliefs...because they haven't been through enough. The whole thing came to light when Salem, Missouri resi-huh? Oh, didn't I mention? Yeah, this happened in Salem Missouri. The library that's treating witches like criminals is in a town called Salem. Enjoy!

"Oh no Miss Hunter, that's not a
threat...It's a promise...Oo-o-o-o-o!" 

Anyway, the kerfluffle started when Salem resident and future vampire slayer Anaka Hunter (yeah, that's really her name, someone call Joss Whedon) noticed that she couldn't access certain sites while doing research at the local library. Hunter complained to library director Glenda Wofford* who informed her that she had no control over what the filtering software blocked. Ok, so the software needs tweaking, fine, but Wofford then told Hunter that she would have to notify the 'proper authorities' if she felt that a patron would misuse the information they were trying to access. She then tittered uncontrollably and floated away in a magic bubble. Uh-huh, Glenda threatened to call the cops on someone for trying to look up information...at a library.

WeBlock® Filtering Software:
"Protecting you from other
points of view since 2004."

Hurray! The good guys won, and the library has agreed to stop blocking information based on whatever close-minded standards it was using. Cool. But how did this happen in the first place? Filtering software only does what someone tells it to do. That means somebody must have made the conscious decision to check a box somewhere that tagged terms like Wicca and Native American as inappropriate subjects. It also probably means that there's a company out there that makes software with a 'Censor the Indians' button. Shouldn't someone be looking into that?

"Religious tolerance? People getting along? Sounds a little gay to me...better block that shit."

-the Salem Public Library's IT guy

*What? It's not that much of a stretch. I mean Glenda sounds like Glinda...just let me have it.

It's a good day...For Science!

So the government is going to implode over spending cuts, Russian asteroids are hurtling towards us at fantastic speeds and Michael Bay's non-Teenage, non-Mutant Ninja Turtle reboot is not only back on for some reason, but now stars Megan Fox. But believe it or not, it's not all bad. Check. This. Shit. Out.

Oh, go on, click on it. It's about science!

Pictured: Science!

You didn't click on it did you? Honest to god, if you don't start meeting me half way here, we're going to have problems. Here, I'll summarize: Doctors in Mississippi managed to kick the shit out of HIV. Oh yes, a newborn infected with the virus was given a super-high dose of the drug cocktail used to combat HIV in older patients. Some science happened and now the virus is undetectable in the baby's blood. Undefuckingtectable. Ok, so it's not a cure per se, but it's a couple of years in and the baby is still testing negative.

Babies...I mean what have
 they ever done for us?

I know what your saying: What's the big deal, one baby got cured. When can I bust out the bell bottoms and fish bowl full of keys and have a swinger's party? Wow. First of all, you're a monster. Secondly, this is a totally big deal. 300,000 babies are born with HIV every year and if this new treatment pans out, it will be another stake in the heart for AIDS, you know that thing that (indirectly) kills millions every year and left later generations afraid to have unprotected sex with strangers.

Yeah. that's right, I said it. Next time you see someone who was sexually active in the 1970's, be sure to thank them. Their coke-fuelled, condom-less, free love bullshit is probably why it burns when you pee. Anyway, hurray for science!

Thanks a lot, assholes...

Command-Shift-Blame

Damn you Comedy Computer®!
Have you no scruples?

You know when an apology is not an apology? When you blame your computer for the deeply offensive slogans you put on t-shirts and then sold on Amazon. That's what Solid Gold Bomb founder Michael Fowler did. Check out some of the phrases Solid Gold Bomb's creative depart-uh, their computer, thought would be great on a t-shirt: Keep Calm and Rape A Lot, Keep Calm and Hit Her, Keep Calm and Knife Her. According to Fowler, Solid Gold Bomb's parade of rage-vomit inducing t-shirts are the result of a crazy combination of computer algorithms, trademark laws and some sort of evil pixie.

"Today obscure t-shirt manufactures,
tomorrow, the defense network!"

-Skynet

None of these factors of course are Michael's fault, but like a Roman general falling on his sword after a crushing but valiant defeat, Fowler takes full (but not legally binding) responsibility. Like for real, read his passive voice-laden apology. Fully half of it is devoted to explaining (in technobabble that would make a Star Trek writer blush) how a program he developed to write hilarious t-shirt slogans (I wish I was kidding) came up with all the rape-jokes and then sold them on Amazon, all without anyone at Solid Gold Bomb noticing.

Pictured: Michael Fowler. Ok, not the 
Michael Fowler, but it's a Michael Fowler.
I blame Google Image Search.

"No words can express how I feel about what has occurred and in no way do I condone or promote this serious issue. I will offer a more in depth explanation of cause to explain what and how this occurred. Both myself and our company and it's associated Solid Gold Bomb brand have never had any intention of the spread of violent slogans or even poor taste humor t-shirts. This was a computer error of my creation and I accept my responsibility in the matter."

-Michael Fowler, Founder, Solid Gold Bomb

Wow. He's clearly so traumatized by all that's happened to him, he's even unwilling to trust his own grammar check. You can't help but feel for the guy...disgust that is. You can't help but feel utter disgust for the guy.

Oh, and on a side note what the hell is the 'Keep Calm' thing all about anyway? Well, Keep Calm and Carry On was a British WWII slogan invented to boost morale while London was being leveled by German bombs. Recently it's been picked up and parodied on things like mugs, posters and obviously t-shirts in an effort to see how quickly a phrase can be run into the ground. I'd say mission: accomplished, wouldn't you?

British stiff-upperlippedness, tea and a little Xanax will get you through any crisis.