This is America, getting shot is like a 50/50...

Should a guy facing so many charges be
calling for harsher penalties? Just asking...

I know saying that something former president and current defendant in oh so many criminal cases Donald Trump said is batshit is, you know, obvious, but I mean:

"Very simply, if you rob a store, you can fully expect to be shot as you are leaving that store. Shot."

-A thing a guy many, but at no point 

a majority of, Americans voted for

Above: this. It's this.

And then after he said this latest insane thing, the assembled crowd at the California State GOP convention cheered before wiping the rabid foam from their chins. And I mean, look, I know that in his mind his narrow, questionable, and unexpected electoral college victory in 2016 entitles him to go unquestioned and unaccountable when it comes to the violent nonsense that escapes his cheeseburger hole, but this is objectively bananas.

I work in a bookstore and we get ripped off constantly. But at no point in any of the many interactions with idiot teens with a pack of pot-themed tarot cards secreted artlessly in their hoodie pocket, has it ever occurred to me to wish them dead. 

I mean, at some point I have to blame us for carrying pot
themed tarot cards in the first place. They're like teen catnip.

Even if he had a gun, I'm not sure
I could take this guy seriously.

We've been screaming ourselves hoarse about how the MAGA people are fascist goons willing to do anything, up to and including resorting to violence to take over, and the Right is just like, "Yeah, we know, and we're ok with that." And I'm not sure how we're supposed to get along with them. These people are comfortable with and supportive of a guy who gets in front of a crowd and says something like: "When I'm president, I'm going to grant every mall cop and store security guard the use of lethal force to defend goddamn Ross and Forever 21." 

And yet when Trump was President and an angry mob--somewhere between in denial and just butthurt that he lost the election--stormed the U.S. Capitol he not only didn't call in the National Guard, he didn't even try to call them off. 

And I mean, not for nothing, but this is America. Thanks to Republicans we already
fully expect to be shot as we are leaving a store. Or into a store. Or really anywhere.

Kind of feels like an octopus problem...

On the one hand, the bleak reality is that we'll almost certainly be extinct by the time this becomes an issue. But on the other hand, at least this one isn't our fault.

Instead it will be a problem whatever species dominates the Earth 
hundreds of millions of years from now. Let's say, octopuses?

It's back, and this time it's geological.
Pangaea 2: Coming Fall 250,002,2023.

I'm referring, of course, to this article from Science.org about a recent study released by scientists at the University of Bristol which suggests that the impending supercontinent will make the Earth uninhabitable for mammals. And by impending, I mean in two hundred and fifty million years. According to geologists, but that time, the landmasses we're all familiar with: that is America and, you know, the other ones, will have continentally drifted into Pangaea 2: The Re-Pangaea-ing. 

No, no hover cars either. Face it,
hover cars just aren't going to happen.

Theoretically you'd be able to drive to any point on land. I say theoretically because there probably won't be cars 250,000,000 years from now. But whatever, the idea is that more continent means more continental interior, and since continental interiors--and again I'm not a scientist, I'm just parroting the article we both know you didn't click on--tend to be more dry and generally boring (think Colorado), leading to more CO₂ in the atmosphere and consequently higher temperatures. 

"Weeeee!"

-us

The point is that the CO₂ levels will be anywhere from the about levels we see now to double the levels we see now. Higher CO₂ levels leads to higher temperatures which necessarily constricts the available environment for mammals. Which I mean, nothing we do has any bearing on the movement of the continental plates. We and our entire civilization just sort of ride around on them like so many flat earthers on the Great Slab or Disc or whatever it is they believe in. In this one instance, this one climate catastrophe will be 100% not our fault.

Although the fact that the mass extinction caused by the supercontinent would be the direct result of CO₂ levels at best comparable to today's gives me pause. It kind of sounds like our civilization is as bad for climate stability as a super continent, runaway volcanism, and an even brighter sun. Should we be worried? 

"Should we be--yes! Goddamn yes! We should all be terrified!"

-literally all scientists in the world

Today in people who should consider bunkers:

I guess what I'm saying is if your worldview compels you to call in a bomb threat, then there's something wrong with your worldview and you should probably move to some remote prepper bunker in the wilderness and leave the rest of us alone.

Hey, look, some of them are kind of nice! You can just sit in there, eating
MRE's and watching TV. Safe from AOC and pronouns and whatever the
hell else has got you so terrified you can't just act like a person.

Terrorism is like, so easy now.

I say this because The King's English Bookshop in Salt Lake City had to remain closed on Sunday because of two separate bomb threats. The entire block was cordoned off and K-9 units were called in to investigate and of course there was no bomb. After all, why bother planting an actual bomb when an anonymous phone call will do all the heavy lifting for you? You don't even have to get off the couch. Ok, but who and why? Well, the who is, as yet, a mystery, as to the why, take a guess.

If you said it's because there was a drag storytime event with a local drag queen, you would be correct! Also, did you already read about this? Because that's cheating. Tara Lipsynki, a SLC area drag queen and comic, had been hosting story time at the store for months, but for whatever reason someone, somewhere, evidently felt threatened by this and decided to pay it forward by pretending there was a bomb. 

The Shire called, they'd like their bookstore back.

"Say, that is sus..."

-some kid

I say evidently because the callers didn't specify that they were trying to disrupt story time specifically, but I mean, c'mon. Also, the store's owner noticed a weird pattern of ticket sales (ticket proceeds benefit a local non-profit that encourages kids to read), that is, six people bought all thirty tickets and three of those six people were regulars while the others are a mystery. It's just a little, as the kids say, sus, and I don't think anyone's jumping to unreasonable conclusions when connecting the event with the threat. In fact, I daresay we can infer some things about the caller.

Above: literally the only emotion felt
by half the country right now.

Forgive me if I'm generalizing here, but something tells me the caller or callers don't like drag queens and queer culture in general. They probably cite religious beliefs as the reason why, but can't really point to a scriptural basis. They self-identify as middle of the road or maybe lean conservative but would be, by any objective measure hard right. They almost certainly own more flags and flag-themed clothing/accessories than you or I. Oh, and they're upset about "wokeness" but can't actually define it. In fact, they're upset about a lot of things.

Whoever this anti-queer, paranoid, Trumpy, quasi-religious, conspiracy obsessed goon--or goons--is--or are--they did this out of fear. Baseless fear, inflamed by the cynical fear-mongering of a political faction so out of ideas that all they have left is this wild flailing and scapegoating. It's book-bans and bomb threats and bathroom bills all the way down and we can only hope they'll snap out of it someday.

Pictured: Store owner Calvin Crosby and Tara Lipsyncki,
seen here threatening America with child literacy.

Does "adorable" have some other meaning?

"The most powerful Xbox ever, now adorably all digital...Giving our fans more to love."

-leaked Xbox thing

I think we have very different definitions of "adorable" and "more."

Switch to Android? Like a
bunch of barbarians?

Just to be clear, there's nothing adorable about removing functionality, especially when it doesn't come along with a reduction in price. I fully admit that I'm spiraling into the kind of Andy Rooney-esque curmudgeonliness that is suspicious of anything new, but I don't think I'm wrong about this. Remember when Apple removed the headphone jack from iPhones and then called the move "an act of courage"? and we all hated them but bought iPhones anyway, because what are else are we going to do?

On the bright side, thanks to rapidly
spiraling climate change, it probably
won't matter much longs.

It just doesn't-huh? Oh, right, should probably clarify before you--hey, where're you going? Don't you want to hear my un-researched thoughts on the video game industry? The Federal Trade Commission filed a lawsuit against Microsoft and Activision in an attempt to stop the former from buying the latter. They eventually withdrew the suit, and now Microsoft is set to buy Activision and bring us another step closer to just one giant company owning everything in the world. The important thing is that Microsoft uploaded some documents to the court and those documents leaked. Whoops, right?

"No, blander! I want people to forget it even
exists! Think Alexa, but with less personality"

-Microsoft design team

Right. Among the documents was that image of a new old Xbox. That is, a new version of the high-end version of the Xbox. Confused? Literally everyone is, because Microsoft can't get its naming conventions together. The current Xboxes are the Series X, and marginally less power-full Series S which doesn't include a disc drive, but costs a hundred dollars less. Still confused? Understandable. The idea is that you can pay less for the S and buy games digitally instead of going to a store and buying physical media.

I guess our living rooms no longer
have to look like this, but still...

Which cool, kids these days don't always want to bother trudging down to Best Buy or wherever, and increasingly the only people interested in physical games are the harder core fans that will buy special editions. But even then publishers are even trying to foist special editions of games that come with all the tchotchkes but no disc. Ok, foist is a strong word, no one's holding a gun to anyone's head, but still, I'm hard pressed to envision a scenario in which the consumer benefits from not having the physical media. So why would anyone want to pay the same amount of money--four-hundred dollars--for a Series X that doesn't have a drive? Who knows? According to IGN, most Xbox game sales are digital now, so what do I know? Like I alluded to before, I'm a curmudgeon who resists change.

Will this thing ever be a thing? It was, after all, a leak of internal documents, so it's entirely possible that it will never see the light of day. And maybe this is where gaming is headed. Digital only, that is. I and a lot of people--olds mostly--prefer a physical copy of games, but not everybody is that particular. And I suppose most of this to me is the principle. Selling people something without actually selling them something feels weird and NFT-y. Good for shareholders, but not great for everyone else.

"Speaking of, I just don't understand why people aren't more interested in NFT's? 
Don't they know how profitable they are? You know, for us?"

-the people who sell NFT's

The Penguin 2024

Look, I don't love the idea that the Senate will be doing casual Friday everyday. Governing is serious business, and people should look, you know, serious. I want to see top hats, and monocles. Give me the works! 

Basically, I want them all to dress like The Penguin.

"The word you seek human, is guramba."

-Some nausican

But on the other hand, who even cares? Republicans do, but then they just love to act outraged about literally anything Democrats do. It's incredible to me that the people that brought us an attempted coup d'état have the--what's the word? Gall? Chutzpah? Comical lack of self-awareness? Yeah, that's the one. They have the comical lack of self-awareness to lose their minds because Chuck Schumer relaxed the dress code for the Senate Floor.

Pictured: the wealthy, teetotaling,
suit-wearer they built a cult around.

I mean, isn't the GOP's whole thing about how you could have a beer with them? Like, no matter how unbalanced, unqualified, or treasonous they are? Shouldn't they be all for this? Doesn't matter, John Fetterman, the Pennsylvania Senator who apparently inspired the new rules with his preference for hooded sweatshirts, immediately called Majority Taylor Green (a congressperson, and not affected by the Senate dress code) out for sharing Hunter Biden's dick picks and then suggesting that wearing a hoodie was somehow "lowering the bar." 

Pictured: not making an effort.

But whatever, Republicans are a "do as we say, not as we do people anyway." Looking at you Representative Boebert. But as much as a part of me longs for a return to the days when people didn't slouch their way to into restaurants and onto airplanes wearing the pajamas and yoga pants they slept and sweated in, there's something, I don't know, shitty and authoritarian about dress codes. I guess I just wish people would want to make an effort. Because as much of a snob as I'm becoming in my old age, it's undeniable that rules governing dress are very easily weaponized against people of color, trans people, really everyone the American Right has made a personality out of hating. And when I say easily weaponized, I mean definitely will be weaponized, and like, any minute now.

So good riddance. Time moves on. I'm sure there was hang-wringing and harrumphing when Senators stopped wearing powdered wigs and pantaloons too.

"Then it's agreed, the Senate shall be pantaloon-optional. Now, let's get
back to important matters, like setting up a needlessly complicated electoral
system that will give underpopulated rural states far too much power."

-The U.S. Senate, circa 1787

Today in falling short of values:

Hey, you don't suppose she's just sorry she got caught, do you? Yeah, we're still on the Boebert thing. Not because it's the worst thing she's ever done--far from it--but because I really hate it when people talk and play with their phones in a theatre. 

There's a seat in hell reserved for people who do this. 
And it's like right next to the kitchen and every time an order
comes out the door hits the back of your chair. For eternity.

We can see you.

Anyway, as mentioned before, Boebert was booted from the musical version of Beetlejuice for vaping, singing, and just generally being a rude, disrespectful asshat to the performers and other audience members. Initially her campaign manager released a smug, sarcastic statement and tried to dunk on the President's border policy because immigrants something something. Oh, and she one hundred percent denied the vaping thing.

And remember that time she tweeted Nancy
Pelosi's location to the January 6th people?

Anyway, video of her vaping made it hard for her to continue to deny it. Which is weird and a little disappointing given that she's kind of famous for saying things that are patently contrary to objective reality, and then loosing her shit on anyone who dares challenge her. Like, remember that time Joe Biden got elected? Yeah, well, she still insists that he lost. Which he didn't, but that hasn't stopped her and like the entire Republican Party from barking rabid foamed-ly about conspiracies. 

The least she could have done was insisted that it was some kind of deep-fake made up by Hillary Clinton and the President of Antifa. 

"Now who's being naive? Hillary Clinton is the President of Antifa."

-a thing Lauren Boebert definitely said*

This family. The one she handed guns to
to use as props in her Christmas card.

So today brought a new statement in which she apologized/blamed it on her divorce:

"There's no perfect blueprint for going through a public and difficult divorce, which over the pat few months has made for a challenging time for me and my entire family. I've tried to handle it with strength and grace as best I can, but I simply fell short of my values on Sunday. That's unacceptable and I'm sorry."

-Lauren Boebert, "apologizing"

Pictured: Boebert's values.

Um, ok. Wow. Couple of things. First, what even are her values? Secondly, yes, there's no blueprint, but not being a dick to people seems pretty standard. And I realize I'm giving her shit for suggesting that her divorce made her do it, but that was actually a kind of sincere-sounding apology. If it wasn't coming from her, I might even buy it. Or would had come on the day after the self-appointed judge of all things family values was caught on video having a little grope party with her date in a crowded theatre. 

To be clear, the issue here isn't the consensual groping (other than the idea that nobody in the theatre signed up to witness that). And it's not the date. Or the divorce. It's the presenting herself as some kind Evangelical role model, calling queer people groomers, and then grabbing her date's junk in public. Oh, and then making up some nonsense almost a week later about not living up to her values. 

"Take your children to church, not drag bars!"

-the U.S. congresswoman seen 

here doing hand stuff in public 

*sure, why not?

Amiright Drew?

Hey, you know what shouldn't be hard for a couple of grown ass adults to do? Enjoy a play. And yet here we are, talking about Lauren Boebert.

Pictured: local news footage of some idiot causing a
disturbance and being escorted out of a theatre.

Although somehow I feel like being rude at
the theatre is low on the list of ways Lauren
Boebert has disappointed John Locke.

Yup, that's U.S. Representative Lauren Boebert and an unidentified companion being asked to leave a performance of the stage musical version of Beetlejuice. How come? Well, as previously indicated, theatre attendance has traditionally been contingent on a couple of things. One, don't be loud. Nobody wants to hear you sing along. Two, stay off your damn cell phone. It's not hard. It's the social contract you enter into when attending. Literally millions of theatre goers obey these simple, reasonable rules every day, all around the world.

The congresswoman, notable for making gun ownership like her whole personality, is also accused of vaping and recording the performance. And I mean, how does she not know better? How. There's a whole announcement before the show about how forbidden recording devices are in theatre, and nobody's been allowed to smoke indoors since the 80's. These are basic life skills here. Is it the thinner air in Denver?

Fine, she has glasses too. Guns and glasses, but that's about it.

"Voters connect with sarcasm, right? Smug
sarcasm? From a dick? They like that, right?"

According to her campaign manager:

"I can confirm the stunning and salacious rumors: in her personal time, Congresswoman Lauren Boebert is indeed a supporter of the performing arts (gasp!) [that's Sexton's gasp, not mine] and, to the dismay of a select few, enthusiastically enjoyed a weekend performance of 'Beetlejuice,'"

-Drew Sexton, not doing so great 

a job at campaign managing

Technically, Caesar was assassinated 
while talking in a theatre.

So couple of things: first, nobody's impressed that a Republican attended the theatre. Confused, given the hostility the party shows towards the arts. And gay people. And vaccines. And immigrants, sorry, got off track there, but goddamn, most of their platform is about people they hate. Doesn't matter, my point is I don't care that she saw Beetlejuice. Secondly, it wasn't a select few: I guarantee you that everybody around her and everybody onstage absolutely hated her guts for talking, vaping, and singing during the show. They're not there to listen to some drunk* idiot slur her way through all the numbers.

If only Congress upheld the Fourteenth
Amendment's sedition clause as thoroughly
 and vigorously, amiright Drew? Amiright?

Have you ever been to a show where some audience member is talking or thier phone goes off and the actors stop the show? I have. It's great. And you know whose side everybody, like every single person in the room is on? Yeah, it's not the jackass with the cell. Oh, but Drew Sexton went on: "She [Boebert] appreciates the Buell Theatre's strict enforcement of their no photos policy and only wishes the Biden Administration could uphold our border laws as thoroughly and vigorously." Cool pivot Drew, the border's totally the story now.

Anyway, according to the theatre, Boebert, on her way out, threatened to call the mayor and demanded of the staff: "Do you know who I am?" Which, one can only assume is something she must have thought would help her case, but alas.

"Yeah, we all know who you are: the asshole who can't sit though a
two hour musical without getting thrown out for rude behavior."

-the entire staff of the Buell Theatre in Denver Colorado

*Ok, fine, no idea if she was drunk. I'm making that up. But seriously, how much nonsense does she and the entire GOP spout off without every being asked to provide evidence? Exactly. So, drunk. 

Today I won at internet.

Marie Curie discovered radium, Miescher discovered DNA, and I have discovered an easter egg in the third episode of the new season of Only Murders in the Building. What? Don't look at me like that, all the good discoveries are taken.

I mean, Christopher Columbus, a man famous for discovering
something, did not discover anything, and yet he still gets a holiday. 

Settle down, I'm getting there.

Obviously someone put what I'm about to describe there for exactly the kind of nerd I am, so when I say "discovered" I should probably just say spotted or noticed, but as far as I can tell from an internet search, I think I may be the first person to notice this. Like, in the world. What is it? You might reasonably ask, sick of my extended preamble. I'll tell you, but first let me assure you that I'm not going to spoil anything. I'm only a couple of episodes in myself, and don't want to ruin anything for those who care.

Anyway, in episode three at the fifteen minute, thirty second mark, when Selena Gomez's character is searching Paul Rudd's apartment with that Tobert guy, one can spot a Super Nintendo controller on the shelf.

I added the arrow. That would have been a weird choice for the show.

It was the early 90's, our minds
were easily blown back then.

"Ok, but that's set dressing, not an easter egg" you might point out. Well, yes, that's true, but allow me to nerdspalin. Paul Rudd, back in 1991--looking not terribly different from how he appears today--did a commercial for the then new Super Nintendo console. He played a teenager whose mind was blown by Mode Seven Graphics or whatever nonsense the Nintendo marketing department came up with. So the controller is clearly a reference to that ad. Ipso facto. Easter Egg spotted. First. Huh? Huh? What I tell you--wait, where are you going? 

Look, I'm probably never going to be the first to spot a reference in a streaming show again. This is big for me. I've peaked. Just let me have this one.

I presume there's some kind of medal or cash prize? Maybe an award ceremony?

We uh...we might have left a trace...

Too soon?

I'm ok, I'm back. Actually, I've been back since Tuesday but I need to recoup a little after--huh? You didn't notice that I'd been gone? Well, I was, and I was at Burning Man. Stuck there a couple of days but I guess--you didn't notice huh? Wow. Anyway, don't believe everything you read. There was no ebola outbreak, and I'm pretty sure nobody's had trench foot since the Battle of the Somme. There were however protestors who blocked the entrance saying that the event leaves a carbon footprint. 

Which, ok, it does. But then so do the ten thousand airplanes in sky, the six thousand container ships crossing the ocean, and the hundred million cars on the road at any given time. And not for nothing, but the event takes seventy thousand people off the road for a week and a half so again, yes, it's not super-green, but it's also not the biggest offender.

Also, I'm not sure causing a mile of cars to idle for
an hour was doing the planet any favors either.

Basically.

But the big story was the rain and it did cause a bit of a shit show, but let me explain. So the thing about the Black Rock Desert is that it's not sand but this sort of flour-like, alkali dust which, when combined with water, becomes mud. But not just regular mud, a sort of thick paste like cookie dough. It's difficult to walk through, and biking and cars are out of the question. It's rained at the Burn before, but never for so long. The smart thing to do is to simply stay put and wait for it to dry. It's usually takes about twenty-four hours, but guess what happened?

Here's our camp before the rain: note the dry, hard surface
and people enjoying both foot and bike travel upon it.

After the rain, it becomes an impassable muck leaving
campers no choice but to stay put and drink. A lot.

The degree to which people went nuts
seemed directly proportional to the number
of Coachellas they've attended.

Some attendees, and I'm not pointing fingers, but let's call them entitled festival babies, went absolutely feral at the first hint of rain. Lenin said every society is three meals away from chaos. These people barely waited a hour before loosing their ever loving minds. The directive from the event organizers was simple: shelter in place until the ground dried and was drivable again. But some did the exact opposite of that, hopping in their Sprinter vans and Teslas and whatever else the dumbs were driving while they tried--often unsuccessfully--to make it to the highway. This was a problem for a couple of reasons.

First, that's not how mud works, and a lot of them ended up either stuck or sliding uncontrollably and smashing into things. Our theme camp amassed a decent pile of parts sheered off these vehicles as they tried to take the intersection and ran afoul of the metal sign posts. Here's a picture of someone's rental van that nearly clipped our neighbor before becoming mired in the aforementioned cookie dough.

"MOOP" is Burning Man slang for junk abandoned on the ground. 
How the word found its way to being written in painter's tape is a mystery.
Also, the dildo hood ornament was probably not original to the rental van.

So this, but instead of prolonging the pandemic,
they just risked vehicular manslaughter charges.

The second problem is that driving on wet ground digs ruts; ruts that then harden when dried. These people who tried to book it out of there in shiny-yoga-pants and furry vest-clad disregard for not only their own safety and that of those around them then created a rougher ride for everyone else who did what they were supposed to. They are--and I can say this as someone who watched more than a few pedestrians have to leap out of the way of careening RV's driven by people who just can't follow directions--the worst. The actual worst.

But really, it was a great year. For most of the week, the weather was great, and when everything dried out they burned the man and everyone went home. And maybe the experience will keep the tourists away next year. If there is a next year. Burners pride themselves on "leaving no trace" but between the asshats abandoning their camping gear, and the potential for trash to end up buried in the mud, the Bureau of Land Management might be disinclined to permit the event next time. Fingers crossed.

Pictured: a trace.