Hell hath no fury like a fanbase scorned.

Above: what I picture
every time I hear the title.

This is an outrage and we will not stand for it. The line must be drawn he-yah. I will not rest until those responsible correct this-huh? What am I talking about? Oh...yeah, probably should explain. So Neon Genesis Evangelion is streaming on Netflix and-right. Further explanation. It's an anime series with a preposterous title about teens who pilot giant robots and battle equally giant mysterious aliens in the year 2015. Which was the future when the show came out in 1995, but is now the past.

Anyway, the important thing is that this is a fondly-remembered anime series that is after years of only being available on DVDs, and before that VHS, finally on streaming and available to the masses. Masses like me who have been curious about what the big deal is, but not so curious as to shell out the forty bucks or whatever to buy it. So I've been watching it and it's good. I like it. Or at least I did until I found out about this.

No, not that the premise of teens piloting giant mechs to save the Earth
from alien invasion is the plot of like half of all anime. Although it is.

"Wait, no it doesn't."

                         -Anyone who saw

                          the show in 1995

Yeah, you didn't click on the link. I'll sum up. Netflix re-dubbed the show with a new voice cast and re-translated some of the lines to remove things like the word 'fuck.' Which, ok, lame. But another change that was made was to alter some lines that established a same-sex romantic interest on the part of one of the characters. In the original translation and I guess, in Japanese, a character called Kowaru, tells Shinji, the protagonist, that he loves him. Like, directly says 'I love you.' But the re-translation now has Kowaru saying 'I like you.' Which is different. Completely different. Well, mostly different.

You see it's kind of the same word in Japanese, but fans maintain that the scene had been previously read as a confession of romantic love and not Kowaru being bro-y. So what gives?

The daunting complexities and nuances of the Japanese language?

Oh, I get it. Sort of like how they
should edit out all the giant robot fights
and let us infer how awesome they'd be.

According to translator Dan Kanemitsu, in his twitter-based defense, he made the change in order to leave the relationship up to the viewers interpretation. Um...ok. Here:

"It is one thing for characters to confess their love. It is quite another thing for the audience to infer affection and leave them guessing...Leaving room for interpretation make (sic) things interesting."

-Dan Kanemitsu, convincing

exactly no one about anything

Yes. It is quite another thing. That's the problem. Hey, does his response remind anyone else of when older people complain about how there's too much sex on TV and in movies? And how much better it was when they just faded to black and left it up to your imagination?

Above: A scene from Game of Thrones offered as
evidence that no, clearly no one thinks it was better when
sex on TV was left to the audience's imagination.

And what, watch Hulu
like some kind of savage?

So Netflix, in 2019, during pride month saw fit to not only alter, but de-gay a cult favorite. Cool guys. And look, like I said, I've never seen Evangelion before now, and if I didn't know this change was made, I wouldn't have noticed. But it feels weird and gross now and I don't want to support this-huh? No, I'm not boycotting Netflix. Let's be realistic here. What I am going to do is stop at seventeen minutes into episode 12 and not hit resume until Netflix re-re-subtitles this scene.

Yup. I'm taking a stand. A subtle, inconsequential stand. And of course they'll fix it, eventually. Not because they have a moral compass mind you, but because we live in an age of internet petitions and twitter screeds and it's usually just easer to give us nerds what we want rather than try and stand up to fan outrage.

"Thank you for calling Netflix, how 
may we acquiesce to your demands?"

-Netflix's customer service operators

...definitely this Boomer though.

Like Neo, except he dodges questions,
is older, more insulting and bad at it.

Exactly what was Jack Tapper expecting from Mike Pence? I ask because I guess he interviewed Mike Pence on State of the Union yesterday and asked him if he thought climate change was a threat. And Pence dodged the shit out of the question. Vice President Pence, probably best known as the homophobic ex-governor of Indiana and as a man so hyper-manly and virile that he cannot allow himself to be left alone with a woman who is not his wife lest he transform into a hormone-driven hurricane of sexual desire (ewww), was never going to give anything approaching an actual answer on this. Ever.

Anyway, Tapper was asking America's number two about how and why on God's formerly green Earth would the Administration roll back the last dangling thread of the Federal regulations standing between us and climatic collapse and Pence launched into some fairly standard right-wing bullshit about how he and the President will 'always follow the science.' Remarkably, he said this with a straight face. We'll follow the science. Yeah, ok. That's what Republicans are famous for, following the science.

Above: an excerpt from a Republican science text.

Remarkably, the predicted impact on
rents in Manhattan will be negligible.

Tapper then pointed out that the science and our own government says that anthropogenic climate change is one hundred percent a problem and asked if Pence agreed which, of course he didn't. Instead he spouted nonsense about clean coal and how Democrats and their kooky Green Deal are going to ruin the economy. And yes, if you're thinking to yourself that the total collapse of human civilization might also have a negative impact on the economy you'd be right, but Pence isn't going to make that connection. Ever.

How come? I don't know, he's got some kind of neurological disorder that allows his brain to disregard objective facts that disagree with his worldview? Maybe he drank the Trump-flavored Kool-Aid (again, ewww)? Or maybe, and this is by far the more cynical and more likely reason: he understands and doesn't care. Doesn't care because he's sixty and rich enough that it simply won't be a problem for him personally. Which brings us back to an earlier point about how Boomers are the worst. Specifically this Boomer:

Pictured: What? He's full of shit and his cognitive dissonance
could lead to the end of civilization. So yeah, the worst.

Yeah, I know, not all Boomers. But still...

I don't know if I found this interesting just because it's an insight into everything wrong with everything or because it reinforces a narrative that makes everything wrong with everything not my fault. Maybe both? Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Pictured: The (self-proclaimed) greatest generation,
seen here winning World War II and setting an impossibly
high bar for their kids. The result? Baby Boomers.

Finally, someone willing to stand up
for straight couples who have kids.

I read this article I read called, get this: "The Boomers Ruined Everything" from The Atlantic...the magazine, not the ocean. And it's written by Lyman Stone whose-and further get this: a Research Fellow with the Institute for Family Studies. And if that sounds like a super-gross conservative think tank, that's because it's a super-gross conservative think tank. You know the kind of group that sits goes around railing about how gay parents adopting children will lead to social upheaval and possibly dancing?

A rational conservative willing to
to cast a critical eye on America.

But I guess that doesn't necessarily mean that Lyman Stone is a right-wing nut job, right?  Like, he could be, and I know this is an increasingly rare phenomenon, a rational conservative whose willing to cast a critical eye upon America? I don't know, and I'm not going to do like, research, but let's just hope he's never written any articles about the upsides of slavery or how Hitler had some good ideas or something. Anyway, in the article Stone argues that Boomers both through their actions and inaction, have made America the low-wage, high-rent plutocratic hellscape that it is.

"I mean how much can a four year
university cost? Five? Six grand?"

-Boomers

Which, yeah, they have and it is. Even if we can't put our fingers on exactly how, I think we all kinda feel that Boomers, that is people born between the end of World War II and the mid-sixties, have basically made America unlivable for for everyone who isn't them. And I think we're all a little sick of them complaining about how kids these days are lazy and super entitled. I mean, it's a little like, 'hey, could you put down that living wage and home ownership before you start harping on millennials?' But is that too easy an answer? Like, is it fair or even accurate to blame an entire generation for another's problems?

I mean, it's not like there's a council of elders somewhere, cackling manically while they pass laws and make policies designed to enrich themselves at the expense not only of succeeding generation but the planet itself.

I...oh, right.

Also, I think it's kind of dumb.

Anyway, I should probably take this opportunity to explain that I myself am not technically a millennial. I mean, I think I was once. It used to be people who came of age around the new millennium, but then they bumped the cut off date into the mid-eighties and now I like to think of myself as some kind of proto-millennial. Like, I don't know how to use Snapchat, but I'll also never be able to afford a house, so I can relate. Anyway, doesn't matter. The important thing to bear in mind is that we've all been screwed over by the baby boomers.

Which might also say something
about the Cornhusker State.*

Of course, like any good conservative Stone links the generational wealth disparity to government regulations. Regulations Boomers didn't do anything about, but still, regulations. Things like zoning laws and having to have certifications for certain jobs are to blame rather than the lack of rent control and affordable education. But he also points to the fact that America has more people in prison than live in Nebraska as a gross and racially motivated policy designed to make white boomers feel safe. And he calls out American debt as a form of bondage...uh, the social kind, not the kink.

I think regardless of where we fall on the political spectrum-well not regardless, there's are some serious lunatics out there, but most of us let's say, can get behind what Stone's talking about. So I don't know, could this be the beginning of some kind of common ground between left and right? Like, can we all agree that this sucks and that something must be done?

"What are you talking about? Things are super and we're awesome!"

-People who will be able to retire someday

*That's my analogy, not Stone's. Didn't want you to think he was the one being a dick to the State of Nebraska. Speaking of, sorry Nebraska!

Today in Comic Mischief:

Not going to talk about politics today. The President is starting another war and making funny funny jokes about how he might just stay in office forever and for blood pressure reasons we're going to talk about Final Fantasy.

So like, buckle up them nerd belts. Seriously, that's like, super
dangerous. I know you've got like phoenix down or whatever, but still.

Action RPG? Never! You line up and
take turns waggling your sword from
across the screen as God intended.

Yeah, you remember a while back it was announced that there would be a remake of FFVII. That was good news. And then they said it was going to be episodic, meaning it would be released in multiple segments rather than as, you know, a game. That was bad news. Then last week we got a glimpse of how the new battle system works and it looks more action-oriented rather than turn-based like the original game. And that's either good news or bad news depending on how attached you are to classic JRPG combat mechanics.

Tifa was evidently designed by men
who've never seen a human female.

But the latest news is that director Tetsuya Nomura has announced some tweaks and changes from the 1997 version. According to Nomura there's going to be some new enemies, new dialogue and events designed to flesh out the game, and new looks for some of the characters. Especially Tifa whose original character model was maybe a little too 1997. And by that I mean she's sort of what would happen if the abstract concept of straight male puberty designed a polygonal, vaguely person-shaped video game character.

Pictured: people playing micro
transactions wrapped in ads.

But the problematic elements don't end with Lara Croft-era ickiness. Let's talk about the story. For those of you who are grown-ass adults or for whom video games are things you do on your phone while you're waiting in line at the bank, some games, particularly role-playing games, have storylines. They're usually complex and often make little sense, but there's definitely some attempt at a narrative. And sometimes these narratives contain elements that don't age well as is the case with FFVII.

"That's the gay men for you, constantly
forcing straight men to bathe with them."

-SquareEnix

The specific issue here is the Honey Bee Inn. It's a part of the main quest in which the spiky-haired protagonist Cloud has to rescue his childhood friend from sex-slavery in a bath house/brothel by disguising himself as a woman, only to be sexually assaulted by a mob of gay stereotypes. So in addition to making a wacky adventure out of sex trafficking, it's also transphobic and homophobic. Holy shit, right? It's not explicit, the screen just pans up as half a dozen lycra-clad men strip Cloud and force him to bathe with them, but still. Oh, and possibly they give him a hand job. Hard to tell.

Anyway, Nomura admits that this scene wouldn't fly today and so it's getting 'modernized,' whatever that means. Given how many installments they're stretching this out into, it seems like they could probably just cut the Honey Bee Inn as the relic of a less enlightened time, but they didn't ask me. Weirdly when Final Fantasy VII was first released, it was rated T for teen because of comic mischief, mild language and mild animated violence. Which, I'm confused, are non-consensual hand jobs considered comic mischief?

Yeah, Barrett's right. &^#$# that pizza...
and all the &#$^#ing suffering it's caused.

In Nomine Frances McDormand

Well that's just priceless...huh? What's priceless? Well, if you'd clicked the link you'd see a headline that reads: Thousands petition Netflix to cancel Amazon Prime's Good Omens. It's one of those feel-good stories-wait, feel-good isn't the phrase. It's one of those 'feel-better that these idiots' stories about a super-religious group that's upset about the TV adaptation of Good Omens and how satan-y it is. Or at least that's what the Return to Order Campaign is shouting, red-faced and sweating (I presume).

 I love that the headline states only the objective facts and contains not the
slightest hint of sarcasm but still manages to call these people dumbasses.

Pictured: Neil Gaiman and the cast of
Good Omens, seen here being the
source of all moral decay in America.

Who're they? They're a 'Special Campaign of the American Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family and Property.' What? You've never heard of the ASTFP? Yeah, me neither. But that's just because you and I aren't the kind of people that go around judging others based on our own personal morality and-ok, fine, I guess we probably all are the kind of people who do that. But we're not dicks about it. These people are. They're a super-conservative Catholic group who bemoan what they see as the moral decay of America. And fine, they're not wrong on that count. We are pretty morally bankrupt.

But where we differ is in what we see as the cause. For most of us it's things like political divisiveness, bigotry and corporate greed. For them it's...well, here, I'll just give you a partial list from their website because goddamn, they hate a lot of things. In fact, I'm leaving out the part that's all about how they oppose all things LGBTQ+. It's like a third of the list.

They must be fun people.

Buckle up, here goes. The American TFP opposes:

It's about time someone called out Jimmy
Carter (seen here volunteering for Habitat
for Humanity). What a monster. Amiright?

"public blasphemy; nudism, socialist childcare, socialist healthcare; socialist allocation of federal waters; death taxes; sell-managing socialism international communism' President Carter's human rights policy; ...détente with communist regimes; progressivism; liberation theology; ...the retroactive lifting of statues of limitations for civil cases involving sexual abuse; pacifism..."

-Things the American Society for 

the Defense of Tradition, Family 

and Property just can't get behind

I mean, this is bananas, right? Public blasphemy? So it's cool if it's at home? And the socialist allocation of federal waters? What even is that? And nudism? What the what? And they're against lifting the statute of limitations on sex abuse cases? Holy shit, is this...is this about priests? And Pacifism? They oppose pacifism.

"Kill'em all, and let me sort it out."

-Jesus, Chapter Wha?

Verse Nope

I mean Satan. Trump is more of a
Viscount of Lies. That's not to say he
isn't constantly lying, he's just bad at it.

Oh, and the Good Omens TV show. They hate that too. Now in the interests of transparency, I should say that I've not yet seen the show, so I can't speak to exactly to what degree it causes moral degradation and promotes the Prince of Lies' infernal agenda but I do remember liking the book so I guess I'm at least a little damned. Hell, giving Jeff 'Taxes Are For Poor' Bezos money is probably in itself a mortal sin. I don't know, I'll have to check with the Return to Order people. They are, evidently, the authority on such things. And all things.

Hey, if they saw Three Billboards, they
might consider centering their religion around
Frances McDormand. Problem: solved.

Like any good moralizing busybodies with nothing better to do than rail about nonsense instead of whatever Jesus told them to go do, they started a petition. It managed to get about twenty thousand signatures before being withdrawn, presumably because it made the petitioners look bad for confusing Netflix with Amazon, but apparently they felt that Good Omens mocked God, promoted Satanism and perhaps most egregiously, cast Francis McDormand (a woman of all things!) as the voice of God. Can you believe it?

Anyway, back to the dumb idiots petitioning Netflix to cancel an Amazon show. As mentioned previously, they are dumb idiots, but I have sort of a bigger issue with whatever it is they believe in. I'm no Churchy McGee, but it seems to me that you shouldn't feel theologically threatened by a TV show. And if you do, maybe watch something else? Or change religions. Whichever doesn't involve bothering other people with your crisis of faith.

"Ow! My worldview!"

-The American Society 

for the Defense of whatever

Maybe people just don't like him that much?

So I don't want to tell anyone how to run their crazy train, but the President knows that political polls don't work like Dungeons and Dragons right? Like, you can't just re-roll your poll numbers because your half-drow thief wound up with shitty dexterity. Ok, I'm losing the thread of my analogy, but I think the point stands.

Pictured: A typical day at Harris Insights and Analytics, a political polling firm
that-huh? Oh, sorry, I guess this is just some people playing D&D...I get them confused
sometimes. Although, I did think the Orc likability numbers were kinda soft...

Honestly though, does anyone think
he's not ending up in prison some day?

I mention this because the Trump campaign recently-you know, tangent here, but is it weird that the Trump campaign has been a thing for like five years? Like, don't campaigns usually end once the election happens? It seems like since taking office the President has spent whatever time he isn't  golfing or tweeting about how great at presidenting he is, he's been holding campaign rallies. Rallies where thousands of Kool-aide drunk be-MAGA hated white dudes are still chanting 'lock her up.'

I don't remember Obama doing anything like that. I mean, what gives?

"Huh, I don't know, maybe it's because I was a way
better President? Also, I won the popular vote. Twice."

-Our previous President

Oh...I get it. He's emotionally crippled
and needs the slobbering adulation of his
supporters to validate him as a person.

Sorry, where were we? Right, the campaign fired a couple polling companies after some of their data leaked that showed that rather that sailing to an easy victory based on how great America is now and how much justice he totally didn't obstruct you guys, he might actually face some competition from Democrats. Bad look right? Like it looks like he fired them because they were telling him things he doesn't want to hear. And we know from the aforementioned rallies how much Trump needs people to tell him how great he is.

Of course the spin is that they were fired because in this White House, leaks won't be tolerated. Which, I know. Since when, right?, Anyway which sounds more like Trump to you? Someone who runs a super-tight administration that quickly and with surgical precision eliminates any element that may lead to a breach of security? Or a guy whose polling poorly and so he threw a tantrum and fired everyone who's math he didn't like?

Now before you answer, I remind you that this is a President who once sent the Press
Secretary out to lie to us about how tarps made it look like no one came to the inauguration.
Oh, and who also made up some nonsense about how three million people illegally voted
for Hillary Clinton and that if you don't count them, he totally won the popular vote.

We hardly knew ye...

I mean that, because she only did like three press conferences in her two years on the job and-huh? Oh, right. You don't know what I'm talking about. Welp, the White House announced today that Sarah Huckabee Sanders is leaving her job as Press Secretary.

"Don't let the door hit you on the way out..."

-The entire White House Press Corps

Like, they can't all have been
fired or indicted. Yet, I mean.

"But who's going to lie to us now?" You plaintively wail. But don't worry, the White House has an endless supply of morally flexible staff members to choose from. All of whom I'm sure would be more than willing to spin the parade of dumbfuckery that is the Trump Administration. Of course, whoever fills Huckabee Sanders' podium will almost certainly bring their own style to the position. But I for one am going to miss her aggressive brand of blithe indifference to objective fact.

Or that time she called Democrats
baby killers. She's such a card...

I'll never forget that time got Jim Acosta banned from the briefing room for having the temerity to ask questions, or the way she called all women who've accused Donald Trump of sexual assault liars. And hey, remember that time Trump clearly implied that Kirsten Gillibrand offered him sexual favors for campaign contributions and journalist April Ryan was like, 'what's up with that?' And Huckabee Sanders suggested that Ryan was the pervert for interpreting the Trump's super-gross tweet that way? Just the best.

So what's next for the woman who did her damnedest to stifle free press in America and who never missed an opportunity to call us all idiots for not buying her transparent line of horseshit? Why she's thinking of running for Governor in her home state of Arkansas. Which, I'm not sure who to feel sorry for.

"It's been a pleasure. Really, I'm going to miss lying to
your faces and accusing you of treason. See you all in hell."

-Sarah Huckabee Sanders, to the 

reporters she despises so much

Let's get contemptuous!

"I'm the President, aren't I?"

-Trump, on how many 

of us are indeed idiots

Hey, guess who's being held in contempt of Congress? The House Oversight Committee voted to hold Wilbur Ross and William Barr in contempt for their refusal to comply with subpoenas and turn over documents related to the administration's 'totally not racist and politically motivated you guys' decision to put a citizenship question on the U.S. census. A move which Democrats believe was designed to ultimately skew voting districts favor Republicans. But is it? Yes, of course it is, what do they think we are, idiots?

The GOP says "No, of course, not. We'd never do something like that..." And everyone else points out that politically motivated redistricting has been the Republican strategy for years. It even has its own Wikipedia page.

"It turns out that it's way easier to get Republicans elected if you just rig
the map. I mean, have you read our platform? We're basically sociopaths."

-Karl Rove

Pictured: lawless, oligarchic goons.

Anyway, subpoenas. Not complying with subpoenas is sort of this new thing administration officials have been trying lately insisting that you totally don't have to comply with one if it comes from Democrats and/or you don't feel like it. Which on the one hand is an interesting legal argument, but on the other, less batshit hand, is a terrifying of display of contempt that if unchallenged will lead to a complete breakdown of the checks and balances that separate us from countries run by lawless oligarchic goons.

But in a startling turn of events that surprised exactly no one, Barr and Ross evidently have contempt for their being held in contempt. The Justice Department dismissing the vote as Democrats playing 'political games.'

Committee members exercising their right and obligation to investigate the
executive branch as outlined in the Constitut-oh, wait, sorry, that's just some people
playing a political game. I get confused sometimes because they look so similar.

Ross then cackled manically and said:
"I'll get you for this He-Man!"

And then the commerce secretary chimed in with:

"Today Democrats maintined their shameless, weekly attacks on this Administration without consideration for the truth. I don't even think members of Congress can keep track of which committee is holding a show trial on any given day..."

-Wilbur Ross,

without a hint of irony

Yeah, ok, bu does he not get how sketchy the administration is? About everything? Of course they're under investigation. That's what happens when you commit like a ton of crimes. I mean, right after the vote today, the President announced that he'll be claiming executive privilege to keep the documents pertaining to the census decision out of the hands of Congress. Because that's what people do when they don't have anything to hide? I mean, c'mon Wilbur this is why nobody likes or trusts you guys. This is why.

"Executive privilege huh? Let me know how that goes..."

-Some guy

I mean, why even leave the house anymore?

I guess what I want to know is, who is this for? Like, it can't be shut ins, because you have to be out of the house when they come. And it costs extra so it seems like the people able to afford it should be able to do their own shopping, so-huh? What?

No, I'm not talking about burgers. Why...why would burglary cost extra?

"I heard that...and I'm telling Bezos."

-Alexa, threatening me

You have a point though, I probably should explain. I'm talking about Walmart delivering food to your fridge. Yeah, in an effort to out do Amazon in the category of 'companies that are far, far too much up in your business,' Walmart InHome will bring groceries to you. And not like to your house, I mean someone from Walmart will come into your house, open your fridge and put food in it like some kind of paid by the hour food elf. Like, it's not just me? The idea that you'd let some rando move stuff around in your fridge is super-invasive right?

I mean like putting it on a burger...
God, what did you think I meant?

Ok, it's more complicated than someone strolling in with groceries. For one thing, you have to be out of the house when they show up. For another, like some kind of internet-era vampires, they can only enter if you remotely open your door using some kind of smart home set up. And because ours is a terrifying world full of paranoia, the delivery person has to wear a body cam so you can watch from an app and make sure the delivery person isn't helping themselves to a pot holder or doing unspeakable things to your mayonnaise, but still.

According to Walmart:

I'm not sure Walmart's efforts to make
things easier for customers have really
been doing anyone any favors.

"Customers have more choices than ever before when it comes to how they get their groceries. They can shop with us in stores, order online for free pickup or have groceries delivered to their front doors....Which got us thinking...what if we could literally take it one step further and make it even easier?"

-Marc Lore, President of 

Walmart eCommerce and Director

of Bleak Orwellian Development 

Which got me thinking...how much further can they take it? How much further should they take it? Exactly how in our lives do we want goddamn Walmart to be?

"And why stop there? Next year we'll be rolling out Walmart InDentured Servants,
where you'll rent Walmart Staff. Not only will they do your shopping, they'll cook your 
food, clean your house and even raise your children for you. You'll basically own them."

-Marc Lore, Taking it one step further

Sure, they smile, but if you think the Grubhub
delivery person has anything but disdain for
you and your abject laziness, you are mistaken.

But back to the original question of 'who is this for?' I mean, ordering food online and having it delivered to your house is already something people do. It's called delivery and it's been around for decades. Sure, grocery delivery is kind of new, but not unheard of, in fact Walmart already does that too. The only thing this service does that's novel is that they'll put it in your fridge, which like, who are these people that are so crushed by the basic necessities of adulthood that they have to pay a gigantic national chain to take the burden off of them?

Oh, and let's not forget about the Walmart workers who have to go do this. Supposedly they'll get paid extra, but body cam or no, how long do you think it'll be before some creeper orders food just so they can get 'caught' just getting out of the shower? Which will happen. You might say I'm just paranoid thinking people will abuse this service in weird, gross ways, but you know I'm right. You know I'm right.

Pictured: Kevin from Walmart, about
to see that which can not be unseen.