Today in "is this even for real?"

I mean, did whoever printed this up honestly not think it was going to end in apologies, embarrassment and serious questions about who should be allowed to teach kids? I'm genuinely asking because look at this, just...just look at it:

We'll get to the "holy shit is this even for real?" part in a moment,
but are we seriously saying that photocopiers are not only still in use
but haven't improved in the decades since I was in elementary school?

"Um, actually, we had a Black
president, so racism: solved."

-America

So to address the question posed in the caption above, oh yes, this is even for real. It's from a worksheet given to fourth-grade students in one of the suburbs of my hometown and while you probably thought that slavery in America was a five century horror show of kidnapping, forced labor, and murder that separated families, decimated communities, and established a system of discrimination that still echoes down through the ages, it was apparently just a big mix-up. If you need a minute, I completely understand. I'll just wait here while you compose yourself. Take your time. 

History: it's what ever you want it to be!

Back? Great. So this: "As an exchange for the trip to America, African Americans agreed to work for colonists for _______ years, but then were kept as slaves." Which--is whoever handed this out maybe, you know, unfamiliar with...everything? How does one even--like this is presumably an adult who's not only allowed to drive and go to the store and stuff, but can vote and teach kids. This is bad. This is flat Earth, dinosaurs are extinct because Noah ran out of room on the ark bad. 

Given the size of antebellum plantation
houses, there is nothing that can go in that
blank that isn't back-breaking labor. 

The rest of it looks like pretty basic info that might not be technically wrong, but it's definitely not ok. Like, take the "What jobs did slaves have?" section for example. I think it probably wants kids to answer with: 

• -Worked in the fields.
• -Churned butter.
• -and I don't know, Puttered? around the house. Seriously, what is it supposed to be?

When you reduce the suffering of generations of enslaved people to some fill-in-the-blanks, it sometimes fails to capture the--what's the word? Gist? The gist of an unforgivable crime that stains the very soul of the nation. You know? Huh? Oh, no, not the genocide of the indigenous peoples, our other unforgivable crime. We've uh...we've got a few of those here. 

"This isn't so bad, what was the big deal?"

-kids in this class

"But what I'm saying is how come
there's no white history month?"

-dumbs who are out there*

The worksheet came from something called The Classroom Nook, which is an online resource for teachers although evidently not a great one and the teacher who used it was new to the job--which, well clearly. But like, surely there is a basic level of knowledge about U.S. history that is requisite to being a history teacher, right? And that level has to better than someone on a Jimmy Kimmel live on the street segment. I mean, if you just let anyone teach, you'll get a generation of ignorant adults who--oh, right...

Look, maybe the crushing reality of slavery is difficult to talk to ten year olds about but there's probably a better way to teach American history than suggesting that enslaved people were just indentured servants who got duped or that slavery was just a kinda shitty job. Glossing over it or making it sound not so bad because you don't want to upset the children is dangerous and probably the cause of a lot of what's wrong with everything.

Sorry kids, history is a bummer, so maybe let's not repeat it?

*I just made this up and grabbed a screen shot. This person probably didn't really say that, and I'm sure they're very nice in real life. Probably.

Soliloquize like no one is watching!

I say since 2009, but in 17th century England
every day was talk like Shakespeare Day

So today, as you almost certainly know, is talk like Shakespeare day and I was thinking that-huh? Yes it is. I looked it up and-what's that? Ok, sure, it's also Independence Day in the Conch Republic, Canadian Book Day, and the Feast of Saint Adelbert of Prague, fine, but it's also Talk Like Shakespeare Day. And Shakespeare's Birthday. And his death day, because poetic symmetry. Anyway, because of that, April 23rd has been, since 2009, recognized by some--theatre nerds mainly--as Talk Like Shakespeare Day. And that's why I'm so insufferable at work one day a year. And possibly others as well.

Pictured: the glare Talk Like Shakespeare
Day usually illicit from co-workers.

But where I was going with this is that Talk Like Shakespeare Day is somewhat less exciting when you can't really go anywhere or do anything. I mean, if you're at work, you're almost certainly social distancing and wearing a mask, and dropping zounds and prithee into your office interactions is just going to add tension to an already difficult work environment. And, if you're working from home, what's even the point of talking like Shakespeare if your exasperated officemates aren't even going to ask you to shut up?

I'll tell you the point. The point is that this pandemic has taken enough from us already, and I say no more. As the playwright himself might say: the line must be drawn here.

Yeah, ok, fine. I know it's Captain Picard, but Shakespeare might 
have said it also. At some point in his life. What? You don't know...

It's a look that says: I'm
pear-shaped, yet upholstered. 

In that spirit, I'd like to offer some alternative ways you can mark the occasion. Just little things you can do which will almost certainly drive anyone you live with insane, but isn't that the true meaning of Talk Like Shakespeare Day? Let's start by dressing up in Renaissance-era costume. Shakespeare once wrote "The clothes make the man" and I think it--huh? What now? Fine, Mark Twain said that. But Shakespeare wrote "apparel oft proclaim the man" which is basically the same thing. What I'm saying is why not dress for the occasion? I mean, assuming you have some tights, or a neck ruff or maybe a even wimple lying around, now's your chance. And really, if you're reading this blog, there's a better than fifty-fifty chance you're the kind of person who frequents the Ren Faire, so it's not outside the realm of possibility that you have some period garb in your closet. 

But if that's not curling the tips of your carefully trimmed and waxed Van Dyke beard, then maybe try something super Shakespearean like, not going to the theatre. 

"Hey, works for us!"

-Americans

Sure they believed in the four
humors but look. A mask.  

If there's one thing Elizabethan England was famous for, other than Shakespeare it's--well, actually it's probably Queen Elizabeth. I mean, it's named after her. And then there's the Spanish Armada, and then maybe public executions, but a close fifth or sixth is periodic outbreaks of plague. Theatres were frequently shut down because those unwashed barbarians had no concept of germ theory, and were constantly dropping dead of the plague. That said, they still had the basic sense to shut down large gatherings during times of pandemic, making them way the hell smarter than most red state governors. So in many ways us staying indoors, bored to tears, and waiting for this all whole thing to blow over is one of the most authentically Elizabethan things we can do.

But if neither of those ideas appeals, you can just take the traditional route and talk like Shakespeare. Who cares if you're stuck at home? In fact, if you're alone, you're not just talking like Shakespeare, you're soliloquizing. And that's pretty Shakespearey. I say go for it. Who cares if no one's around to hear you? Detail all your fell deeds, your ear poisoning confessions, your rank offenses, all of it to an empty room. It is, after all, Talk Like Shakespeare Day and I say we make the most of it.

"Stars hide your fires. Let light not see how many episodes of
The Great Brittish Baking Show I've watched in one sitting..."

-Everyone

Dashed, like so many mandolins.

What even is this? I mean, why say something like that if it isn't real, and if it is real, why would they say it's not and-huh? What am I--this:

Thiiiiiis.

Pictured: fan favorite Worf, son
of Mogh and pooper of parties.

Yeah, that's Micheal Dorn, the actor who for fifteen years played Worf on Star Trek through two hundred and seventy two episodes over two different series (The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine), and the four TNG movies. He even played Worf's grandfather in Star Trek VI. He's a goddamn nerd legend and from that tweet one would reasonably conclude that he's been asked to reprise the role in one of the seven or eight Star Trek shows or movies currently in production, right? Except no. It's all a lie designed to crush our pandemic-weary spirits. 

Fan site Trekmovie.com says they've confirmed with sources that it's not happening and--wait, sources? Like, a guy in a trench coat lurking in the shadows of a parking garage? Sometimes I think we take fandom way too seriously. Sources...

Pro tip: When searching for images of Deep Throat
for your dumb blog, be sure to specify Watergate.

Ok, but I'm never not going to
skip the ads, so why even ask?

So why would Dorn tweet that if it wasn't real? Is he trolling us? The article from Trekmovie speculates that the #ad means it's a promotion for something, but surely anyone selling something must know that it's not cool to toy with us like this. You know how ads on Youtube just start anywhere during something you're watching? Like, right in the middle of a sentence sometimes. Well that's a surefire way to make sure I'm not buying whatever's being advertised, and likewise asking Micheal Dorn to tease the return of Worf is a definite no-go. 

There is no excuse for not
making this happen. None.

But perhaps a more important question is if this isn't real, why isn't it real? As I mentioned before there's a ridiculous amount of Star Trek spin-offs right now, one of which has already had half the cast of The Next Generation make guest appearances on it so why in the name of gre'thor isn't Worf coming back? In fact, why doesn't he have his own spin-off where he can drink prune juice and threaten to kill people where they stand? Why I ask you? And while we're at it, why isn't LeVar Burton hosting Jeopardy right now?

And sure, I realize that I'm probably overly concerned with former Star Trek actors getting new gigs, but it's just that this tweet and the subsequent denial by unidentified sources only serves to raise and then dash our hopes like...like...

...like a mandolin.

Great, but still no cookie for Liz Cheney

Oh, about that white national congressional caucus Marjorie Taylor Greene was about to start? The one we just talked about? Earlier today? Just scroll down--doesn't matter, it's over with. Apparently some members of her party took exception and shamed her into scuttling the whole idea. Which, I mean, that's good, but...

Which is surprising given that by and large most members of the GOP were
born without the part of the brain responsible for feeling shame. 

Are you sure about that? You
mean Republicans? With an R?

Wyoming Congresswoman Liz Cheney condemned Taylor Greene's dumb, racist, Trumpy caucus saying:

"Republicans believe in equal opportunity, freedom, and justice for all. We teach our children the values of tolerance, decency and moral courage. Racism, nativism and anti-Semitism are evil. History teaches us we all have an obligation to confront & reject such malicious hate."

-Liz Cheney, on--Republicans? Really?

Has she met other Republicans? Because at least
one of them is Mark Gaetz and another started the
whole America First Caucus in the first place.

Hang on...I appreciate Congresswoman Cheney's and other Republicans' denouncement of The America First Caucus, and I get that Cheney has been opposed to a lot of the party's bullshit over the years (but still, not all of it). That's all super, but Republicans across the country are right now making it harder to vote, rolling back trans rights, restricting abortion access, blocking gun legislation and spent the last four years in lockstep with a President who was visibly deranged. 

So what even is she talking about? Look, it's great that this caucus is off the table, but goddamn, moral courage? Seriously? Is she maybe thinking of some other party? It seems like if the GOP believed in any of the stuff she says it does, we wouldn't be talking about Marjorie Taylor Greene at all right now. They'd have kicked her out ages ago and she'd be in a Walgreens somewhere demanding to speak to the manager because they won't take her expired CVS coupon. Oh, and she'd probably be using racial slurs.

We'd also be living in a utopian world where everyone had
free healthcare and nobody had to worry about getting shot so...

Caucus? You brought us...

It's not just me, like, the Republican Party is just openly white nationalist now, right? I mean, sure, they keep telling us that they're totally not racist and that some of their best friends are Black, but when it comes time to denounce something like Tiki Nazis, or cops who murder people of color, or say an actual coup attempt, suddenly all lives matter and it's really hard to pick out the non-white supremacists.

It's what you call load-bearing white nationalism.

Spoiler alert.

I bring this up because noted xenophobic, transphobic, racist, conspiracy nut Marjorie Taylor Greene is starting The America First Caucus. It will, according to their flyer, "...promote Congressional policies that are to the long-term benefit of the American nation." Which, wait, I mean, yeah, that's what Congress does, right? It's the U.S. Congress, so of course American interests are--oh...wait, she means white people. Just white people...

You can read it for yourself, but just be prepared to shower afterwards. They start by talking about how they want to follow in Trump's footsteps which, I mean, did they watch some other disastrous four-year nightmare that ended in in MAGA goons shitting on the Capitol? 

They did. Like, actual poop. Smeared it on the walls. Like, you don't need
 hazmat suits to pick up "Stop the Steal" signs and empty Skoal canisters.

Hey Congressman, do the
kids still say "weird flex?"

It goes on through a list of the right-wing greatest grievance hits of election fraud, state's rights, and Big Tech. Huh? Yeah, apparently Big Tech is anti-conservative and pro-pedophile. And I don't know, but is dropping accusations like that the best idea while a Republican Congressman is being investigated for statutory rape and sex trafficking? But sure, something something Facebook. Anyway, then we come to the section about immigration and how the America First Caucus is agin it. Here, check it out, and again, shower on standby:

Above: The Witenagemot. Just one
of the many Anglo-Saxon political
traditions America is so fond of.

"America is a nation with a border, and a culture, strengthened by a common respect for uniquely Anglo-Saxon political traditions. History has shown that societal trust and political unity are threatened when foreign citizens are imported en-masse into a country, particularly without institutional support for assimilation and an expansive welfare state to bail them out should they fail to contribute positively to the country."

-The America First Caucus, on what 

history has shown (citation needed)

"No, we literally never think of Canada.
It's kind of our whole thing."

-The America First Caucus

Ok, so they're correct, we do have borders, but after that they kind of go off the rails. I'm not an expert, but the Anglo-Saxon period of Britain ended with the Norman Conquest, but I think they just trying to make the case that America is like, super-white, but hasn't history has shown that importing people en-mass is how there are so many white people here in the first place? Black people too, but something tells me that the America First Caucus is trying to gloss over that part. Also, an expansive welfare state? Are they...are they sure they're not thinking of Canada?

And not for nothing, but Marjorie Taylor Greene has spent her entire time in Congress flouting basic COVID precautions, spouting nonsense about how the election was stolen, and harassing trans people, so if anyone has failed to contribute positively to the country...

No, he didn't win, and also it goes over your nose.

Anyway, the whole Caucus is just a white-people only club and needs to shut right the hell up, but my favorite, the most are you even real with this? part is the infrastructure section:

Yeah, but the Romans were also big
on slavery, bloodsports and crucifixion, so
maybe they're not the best role-models?

"The America First Caucus will work towards an infrastructure that reflects the architectural, engineering and aesthetic value that befits the progeny of European architecture, whereby public infrastructure must be utilitarian as well as stunningly, classically beautiful, befitting a world power and a source of freedom. As the Romans demonstrated with aqueducts, walls and roads, function and beauty are not at odds."

-The American First Caucus, seen 

here having opinions about aqueducts

Look, I love Corinthian columns as much as the next person, I really do, but holy shit, isn't there something better Congress could be doing with its time? Like, I don't know, holding hearings on kicking Marjorie Taylor Greene out? I mean, how racist does a caucus have to be to devote an entire section of their manifesto to which architectural style is the whitest? 

"What are those, Queen Anne row houses? I suppose next
you'll want free healthcare and reasonable gun legislation.
This is America. It's Federal, Neoclassical, or get out."

-The America First Caucus

Today in additional monkey-related horror:

Why does science hate macaques? I ask because earlier this month we heard about Elon Musk's cyborg monkey horror show and now some scientists have injected human stem cells into macaque embryos to create human/monkey hybrids that will almost certainly turn against us. I mean, how can they not?

Above: a baby macaque which, according to
scientists, is the worst of all monkeys.

Pictured: a chimera. Feel better?
Yeah, I don't either...

Ok, ok, settle down. The researchers aren't actually creating human/monkey hybrids, they're just creating something called chimeras. The term comes from a mythological creature with the body of a lion, a snake for a tail and a goat's head growing out of its back, so basically a hybrid, although different from a human/monkey hybrid. Somehow. I don't know, I'm not a scientist, or an expert on classical Greek monsters. The important thing is that these embryos which spit in the face of nature are just embryos and aren't going to be allowed to develop into the architects of our extinction. 

Yeah, but does anyone set
out to create a monster?

Instead, according to the study's co-authoer, Dr. Juan Carlos Izpisua Belmonte from the Salk Institute, we have nothing to worry about:

"Our goal is not to generate any new organism, any monster. We are trying to understand how cells from different organisms communicate with one another."

-Dr. Belmonte, on how 

terrified we all shouldn't be

I mean, basically, right?

Well that's a relief. I'm not super clear on what he means by cells communicating with one another, but the upshot here is that Belmonte's research is actually geared towards solving the problem of an insufficient supply of organ donors. According to the American Transplant Foundation, about twenty Americans die every day waiting for organ transplants, so a supply that doesn't rely on drunk drivers would be revolutionary. Belmonte and the other scientists hope that their research will one day lead to human organs being grown in animals.

Which...which is great I mean, it would save lives, human lives anyway but...but we are actually are talking about engineering monkeys filled with human-compatible organs with the eventual goal of killing them and harvesting the parts. So maybe we don't have to worry about a Planet of the Apes scenario right away. Instead, our only concern will be the nightmares of the vast, monkey-filled organ farms of the near future. 

Although these organ farms which will inevitably be the scene of an uprising
that leads to a Planet of the Apes scenario, so we're back to that I guess.

Mike Lindell: purveyor of fine bedding and white persecution complexes

Holy shit, did Mike Lindell
just invent the internet?

Brace yourselves my fellow liberal snowflakes, because the American right will soon have an online forum where they can say anything they want. Anything, except some things, but we'll get to that. The important thing is that they can say anything. They'll be able spew any crackpot theory, incite any riot, or even go on any hate speech screed they want and no one can stop them. All this thanks to Mike Lindell, the My Pillow guy who one time helped come up with the bail money to get noted murderer/right wing folk hero Kyle Rittenhouse out of jail. 

Pictured: some of the social media
platforms Frankspeech isn't like.

Frankspeech.com is a Lindell's new social media platform for conservatives. Here's what he had to say about it--apparently in a single take, if you can believe it, and I can--in a video on the platform's site:

"Hello everyone, welcome to Frankspeach.com. This is going to be a platform like no other, it's kind of like a YouTube/Twitter combination."

-Mike Lindell, illustrating how his new platform

is unlike any other platforms by likening it to

two other platforms to which it is similar

He went on to to haltingly and word-saladingly explain how Frankspeach isn't going to let The Man shut you down while you talk about how great it was when we all had to use different water fountains based on our skin tone:

Huh, I think I see why these
two get along so well. 

...everything's going to be the most secure, we're going to be able to handle the seca-the capacity-your infer-your everything's going to the most secure, we're not going to be able to-we're going to be attacked, but I have my own servers, everything. We're not going to be worried about Amazon taking it down or Youtube, or Google, or Apple and we are going to get our voice of free speech out there. 

-Lindell, sticking 

up for the overdog

That's right, totally free speech. Unless of course you use any of two specific swear words, one specific racial slur, or take the Lord's name in vein. So it's not completely free speech, but Frankspeach.com's restrictions are totally different from say Twitter or Facebook's because, um, because conservatives. I guess. Oh, and you can't make death threats. So, that's thoughtful...and exactly like other social media platforms.

Thoughtful, but likely to limit Frankspeech's appeal to conservatives,
whose worldview is mostly based on making death threats. What? It is.

Pictured: the silent majority seen here
being neither silent, nor a majority.

Finally, right? For far too long now, the American political right has been silent, I mean, you know, except for the all that racist, transphobic, homophobic, misogynistic, jingoistic, xenophobic horseshit they've been screeching about for decades on social media, Fox News, talk radio and really everywhere. But other than that, they've been silent. Silent that is except for at rallies and protests. And the four years of the Trump presidency and then the subsequent and deadly coup attempt; a riot of which Mike Lindell himself has been a vocal supporter. 

#therealvictimshere

But basically silent. Although they are leveraging their exaggerated power they hold in Congress to solidify their power through voting restrictions and gerrymandering. Oh, and did I mention the three judges a guy who lost the popular vote got to appoint to the Supreme Court? For life? But in every other way, conservatives in America are totally the victims. It's getting to the point where they can't even incite violence or proclaim the superiority of white people without someone kicking them off Twitter. Eventually. And after the fact. 

The point is, it's about time they had a voice and if anyone can give them one, it's that legend of white persecution complexes, Mike "That Pillow Guy" Lindell.

Wait, does he know anything about starting a social media platform? 
I mean, he just sells pillows. And kind of shitty ones judging by
the review and-you know what? I'm sure the skills are transferable. 

Confession Time

Have I mentioned that the pandemic might actually be my fault? Yeah, move over Chinese lab/Hillary Clinton/microchip theories. Turns out, it was me. 

Right, sure, gradual mutations and recombinations of viral RNA
over successive generations. Pfftt...might as well say elves did it.

Pictured: the look on the face of everyone
who's ever had to sit through someone
else evangelizing a TV show at them.

So you know how people will sometimes try and get you to watch some TV show they're into? It usually starts out with "Oh, you haven't seen Whatever?" and then it's "I'm usually not into Whatever's genre, but..." and then lands on "I don't want to ruin it, but you've got to watch Whatever, I'm on the fourth season. Three is a little slow, but once you get past episode nine it really picks up." These conversations are the worst. Anyway, while trying to feign interest in one of these, I might have jinxed it. The course of human civilization I mean. 

And for the record, no amount of
lockdown will make me rewatch
the Snyder cut in black and white.

I said something like, "You know there's so much good TV on streaming services right now. It'd be really great if there was some kind of crisis and we could all just take a year off and catch up." And there was. And we have been. And I mean, I didn't intend to invite a pandemic, I just wanted out of the conversation. Sure, there probably is some of stuff I'd been meaning to get caught up on, but in hindsight, all of this probably hasn't been worth it (ok, definetly hasn't been worth it). 

Pictured: the idiots whose thoughts
actually did have a causal relationship to
 prolonging the pandemic. So thanks...

Although in my defense, I don't think I specified "global pandemic." It could have just as easily been nuclear winter or asteroid impact. Also I definitely didn't wish for the last administration's inept response, nor did I suggest a year of selfish goons refusing to put on a mask. And I get that the idea that thoughts can have a causal effect on things that are absolutely out of our control is magical thinking. Strictly speaking, my dumb comment to get someone to stop telling me to watch Superstore didn't really cause COVID-19. Still though.

As insane as it sounds, there's a part of me that can't help but think this is my fault. Which is weird because because it never works for good things. Like, that time I read the first Game of Thrones book, and said to anyone that would listen that it would make a totally good TV show and it should be on HBO so they could keep all the sex. And then it happened. Of course, now that I think about it, maybe I should feel bad about that one too.

I mean, you saw how it ended. That's right, ragging
on the Game of Thrones ending. Get me, so topical!