Don't. Just don't. You're not helping.

"I think America is ready for a rich white male."

-Howard Schultz, shaking things up

Well, the likelihood of a wealthy white guy screwing us over in 2020 may have just doubled thanks to Howard Schultz, the ex-CEO of Starbucks. But what is this man, this mere coffee peddler going to do to ensure that America continues down this dark, insane trajectory of MAGA hats and literal Nazis marching in the streets? He's thinking about running for President. As an independent. Because I don't know if you've heard this, but both parties are full of shit. Can you believe it? So maybe it's time we had a choice that isn't a Democrat or a Repbuli-huh?

No, this is totally different from that time that Ralph Nader had this exact same idea in 2000. Remember when Al Gore won and everything was awesome? No? Oh, right, that's because it's the same terrible idea and will lead to an even worse outcome. At least George W. Bush wasn't on Twitter.

Above: That time a guy consistently ranked as one of the best
Presidents ever ran as a third party candidate and lost.

"I just think we should
have a third party, you know?"

-Literally every 

college kid in America

Anyway, Schultz is pretty sure he could totally nail it and single handedly reshape more than two centuries of two-party American politics:

"I can't think of anything that is a more quintessential expression of our democracy than providing the American people with a choice that doesn't have to be binary between Republican and Democrat. Why should the American not have the choice of someone who is saying, I'm not embedded with either party."

-Howard Schultz on how he can't believe

no one ever thought of this before 

Yeah, that ice cold sensation in your very blood? That's the feeling that holy shit, some well-meaning and possibly even qualified candidate is going to bumble his way into an election that is absolutely vital that we not lose and ruin it, ruin everything forever by splitting the Democratic vote. Like Donald Trump is even trying to goad Schultz into running because at this point a split vote will guarantee him a second term:

Look out Howard, he's using reverse psychology!

Pictured: the percent likelihood of
what I just said. (source: math.)

Look, we know both parties suck. We know. We're simply going to go with the party that sucks less. You know, the one that didn't shutdown the government over some racist border wall, doesn't actively campaign against LGBTQ rights, and the one that doesn't purge voters. No one's saying that the system isn't garbage, and no one's saying Shultz is necessarily a bad choice, we're just saying that our chances of four more years of Donald Goddamn Trump will be 100% if Schultz jumps in to the race. One hundred. Percent.

Yes, the two party system isn't great and yes I know that politics aren't a zero sum game but we have a two party system and politics is totally a zero sum game right now so maybe don't fuck us like this? Please Howard Schultz? Please?

Dooooon't!

The Nixoniest Nixonian who ever Nixoned!

In some ways you almost have to admire Roger Stone. In most ways however, you don't. But this, this. After posting bond he turned and gave us the double Nixon on his way out of the courthouse this morning. Wait, the what?

The this: the ol' Double Nixon, made famous by Nixon.

But with crimes instead
of, you know, laundry.

I don't want to tell the Trump administration's latest indictmentee how to mange his own image, but reminding us how Nixononian you are maybe isn't the best look. But I'll back up. Long time political operative and Trump adviser Roger Stone was arrested by the F.B.I. early this morning. An arrest caught on camera by CNN who was staking out his house just in case. He was charged with a laundry list of offenses: one count of obstructing proceedings, six counts of giving false statements and one count of witness tampering.

You see it works much better as a taunt
when someone is actually going to jail.

Rooting around in his pockets, Stone came up with the quarter of a million dollar bond and was out. He spoke to the assembled crowd outside the courthouse where much of what he said was drowned out by chants of 'lock him up.' But the gist is that he's denying any wrongdoing. He's like totally innocent you guys. I mean, why would he lie? Except that he's sort of famous for it. And proud of it. And even calls himself 'a dirty trickster.' Did you know he used to work for Nixon? Or at least says he did.

Although the Nixon Foundation clarified today that Stone's involvement was minimal and that he was a junior scheduler. So I don't know what's worse: the fact that the Nixon Foundation doesn't want any part of Stone or that Stone is so desperate to associate himself with Nixon that he exaggerates his involvement.

Pictured: Richard Nixon and his
number one super fan, a young Roger Stone.

Because he does. This is real.

(source: no shit)

Anyway, Stone also insisted that he'll never testify against the President which-did anyone suggest that he would? Interesting that he should go there first. Anyway, he went on to suggest that any publicity is good publicity quipping:

"As I have always said, the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."

-Roger Stone Jr. earlier holy shit,

did we talk about his Nixon tattoo?

Because he totally has a Nixon tattoo

Which first of all, fuck him, that's Oscar Wilde. Secondly I suspect that being indicted for ones role in election meddling and the subsequent prison sentence which we can only hope comes along with it will be much, much worse than not being talked about.

Again, not an expert on media relations or anything, but the 'Double Nixon'
is a gesture not traditionally associated with people who aren't guilty.

His whitey-sense is tingling!

Again, do not punch the screen. It may
be satisfying, but it's also expensive.

In a move surprising to no one, the President has leapt to the defense of smirking MAGA-hat teen Nick Sandmann. You know, that kid the internet, as a collective unit, would like to punch? Well, it turns out there's more to the story and now we're all supposed to feel bad about wanting to punch a teen, but really there's even more to the story and I'm pretty sure our initial 'let's punch this kid' instinct is still correct. I mean that metaphorically, I don't condone violence, no matter how much this kid may have it coming.

Ok, first came the initial video of Sandmann and his fellow students from Covington Catholic High School who were in D.C. for an anti-abortion rally taunting Nathan Phillips, an activist and elder of the Omaha tribe, who was participating in the Indigenous People's March.

Above: Nick Sandmann and classmates making America Great Again. I guess.

To be clear: Nathan Phillips is likely
the reason this kid went un-punched.

Then came the longer video which shows the Covington group being taunted by another group.There these innocent teens were, minding their own business, demanding the revocation of a woman's right to exercise control over her own body because it conflicts with their personal religious beliefs when another group, Black Hebrew Israelites, came out of nowhere and began hurling insults at them. For no reason! Except maybe for the reason that they're anti-choice goons with MAGA hats, but this is America and whatever we may think I suppose these kids have a right to be shitheels.

But then another twist: it turns out that Black Hebrew Israelites are themselves a Black supremacist organization on the Southern Poverty Law Center's list of hate groups. Wow, so current hate group vs. hate group in training. Who do you root for, right?

The students were just heading Christ's famous sermon on the
mount wherein he says: "To one who strikes you on the cheek,
I say turn and offer insults to an elderly Vietnam vet. #nocollusion."

Like Spider-Man's spidey sense, but you
know, racist. A 'whitey-sense' if you will.

Anyway, the President always careful not to wade into emotionally charged situations, is wisely avoiding making any comment about the incident until all the facts about exactly what happened are known. After all, it would be reckless to simply start chiming in about-yeah, I'm kidding. As someone both gifted and cursed with a supernatural ability that allows him to sense his supporters getting called out for exacerbating racial tensions in America, he absolutely chimed in. Huh? Yes on Twitter. Of course on Twitter. Rome had the forum, Roosevelt had fireside chats and Trump has goddamn Twitter.

Speaking of things that started off
unpleasant and that we wish was
all just a dream, see above.

Here's some of his dumb nonsense:

"Nick Sandmann and the students of Covington have become symbols of Fake News and how evil it can be. They have captivated the attention of the world, and I know they will use if for the good-maybe even bring people together. It started off unpleasant but can end in a dream!"

-Donald Trump, un-ironically
suggesting that this shitshow
will bring people together

Fox News and conservatives in general are painting this yet another example of white conservative victimization. Like how Karen Pence is being called out for teaching at that school just because they're rabidly homophobic or how everyone was so mean to that nice Brett Kavanaugh.

Fox News: The only network with the courage to stick up for the over-dog.

How much spin-wizardry?
This exact amount go spin-wizardry.

It takes some serious spin-wizardry to take a story about how a Native American war veteran heroically interceded to diffuse a racially charged confrontation between anti-choice high-school idiots and fringy racists and turn it into "We all thought this was a bunch of white kids being racist, but it turns out they were being insulted and the media is just being sensationalist and you know what? It's totally unfair that white people have to feel bad about being white. You know racism would totally be over if everyone would just stop talking about it all the time." But here we are.

Today in the nichest of markets:

Before you make some crack about gamers
being sweaty and gross, remember, sports
involve way more sweating and running.

If you're anything like me, you've probably often found yourself playing video games and wished-huh? Ok, fine, you're probably an adult with adult things to do involving friends and the outdoors, so let's say hypothetically, you've found yourself wishing you could expand your gaming experience to include your olfactory sense. Well now you can smell your games too thanks to this new-yeah, I know, of course I don't wish that playing video games also came with a scent component, I'm just being you know, sarcastic. Anyway, this dumb thing exists now.

And because you and clicking on links don't usually go together, here, look at this: it's a Sonic the Hedgehog scented candle for sale on the U.K.'s Sega store.

I'd be interested to see the Venn diagram that convinced someone
at Sega that there's sufficient overlap between gamers and people
who like scented candles to warrant making this product. 

Pictured: Green Hill Zone, so this.
The candle smells like this. 

For those who spent their youths learning marketable skills like business or I don't know, sports medicine, I'll explain what we're looking at here. It's a scented candle in a holder shaped like the power-up boxes (which themselves were shaped like computer monitors because the 90's) from the Sonic the Hedgehog games. You can even rotate the candle to display a different power-up depending on your mood or level of boredom, although the scent remains constant: Green Hill Zone. That's level one from the game.

The next obvious question is how can you get your hands on one of these-well, I suppose the next obvious question would be why would anyone money for one of these things, but the question after that is how can you get one? The answer is, unfortunately, you can't. They're a U.K. exclusive and the site is geo-blocked so it can see how British you're not no matter how good your fake accent is.

"Gor blimey! I sure would fancy one of those cracking Sonic candles...eh...gov'ner?"

-Some bloke what wants a candle

"I'm trending!"

-Marie Kondo

If it seems like I'm making fun of this candle because it's a ridiculous tchotchke destined to be bought as a gift for someone you don't know all that well who themselves will just chuck it out the minute Marie Kondo knocks on their door, I am. I mean, I kind of hate merch. I even hate the word merch. But it's also because I'm a little suspicious of Sonic the Hedgehog's enduring appeal. Despite there not having been a decent Sonic game since 1992, Sonic is still a recognizable character that shows up on t-shirts, cartoons and for some reason, a live action movie with Jim Carrey. Sega's been trotting out their shallow, committee-designed corporate mascot for three decades of increasingly shitty games yet we never got Phantasy Star 5 or Golden Axe 4.

I don't know, maybe somewhere deep inside I'm just harboring jealousy about how the U.K. not only gets Green Hill Zone candles but also because they can remove leaders from office with a vote of no confidence. Like, a show of hands. Could you imagine? Anyway, I guess I'll just have to console myself with the fact that the U.S. Sega store has an exclusive soap shaped like a Sonic cartridge. 

That's right you crumpet-loving Brexiteers, you may be able to smell Sonic,
but we get to lather ourselves in his very essence-Sold out! Goddamnit Sega!

Is 'Blade Runner-y' a word?

If anyone can appreciate the importance
distinguishing a people from its leaders it's us.

I suppose two of my stronger prejudices would have to be Russia and start-ups. Russia because it's run by a homophobic ex-K.G.B. thug who rigged our election and start-ups because I have all kinds of dumb ideas and not once has some venture capitalist showered me with money to make them real. I mention these hang-ups because I need you to understand my vitriolic reaction to-oh, but first I should clarify that when I bag on Russia, I mean Russia the country, not the Russian people. Most of them are probably cool.

Anyway, where was I? Right, the vitriol. If you clicked on that link, and I know you didn't, you'd have read about a Russian start-up called, ugh, StartRocket, which plans to launch micro satellite billboards into space in an effort to make sure the human race never again knows a moments freedom from the relentless oppression of commerce.

Since the dawn of time, humankind has looked
up at the stars and thought: Your Ad Here. 

"Bo-ring."

-The worst humans

That queasy sensation your feeing right now? That's the realization that maybe the increasing likelihood of our extinction isn't such a bad thing. Here, this is from the StartRocket website:

"Space has to be beautiful. With the best brands our sky will amaze us every night."

-The StartRocket marketing team, which I can 

only assume is made up of the worst humans

"I had a bead on that rogue asteroid
 but then a Del Taco ad came on so,
I don't know, Nebraska somewhere?
Guess we'll just have to wait and see." 

Can you just-I mean, can you just imaging being the kind of person who looks up at night and sees not the incomprehensibly vast majesty of the universe but wasted ad space? Well you don't have to, because StartRocket CEO Vladilen Sitnikov already did. When confronted with criticism about his plan to turn the sky into a goddamn jumbo-tron by astronomers who point out how this will make ground-based astronomy impossible, Sitnikov points out that the orbital speed of his satellites would make the ads visible for only a few minutes at a time.

"You can do peeing or making your coffee. So it's a break for you, it's like we help them."

-Sitnikov on how his ads offer 

the world a bathroom break

Oh, cool, so by co-opting the timeless canopy of the sky in the name of crass commercialism from which there is no escape, he's actually doing us a solid, because now we can go take a leak if we don't want to sit through his orbital commercials. Which, and I'm not like a marketing person, but is telling people to take a break instead of watching your dumb space billboard really the way to attract clients?

"Dah! And also I invent floating toilet billboard. You never have to miss ad!"

-Vladilen Sitnikov,

innovator 

I think I just solved the Fermi Paradox.
I mean, would you visit a house with a
bunch of shit strewn all over the yard?

In case you were wondering how these things work, the plan is to launch a number of small tissue-box sized micro-satellites into low orbit. These CubeSats-which I assume is the proprietary trademark-able term, will fly in formation and then unfurl thirty-foot mylar panels that will reflect sunlight. These panels will then arrange themselves to spell out those brands that will 'amaze us every night.' So, yes, in addition to being an inescapable eyesore, Sitnikov's satellites will also add to the increasingly impenetrable shield of space garbage already orbiting our planet.

If all goes to StartRocket's plan, we should plan on taking frequent stargazing breaks as early as July of 2021, that is assuming Sitnikov actually works out the technology involved. According to Wired, he's just a start-up guy, not an engineer. So if he wasn't trying to sully the night sky he'd probably be hawking an app or gentrifying something. But it sounds like space ads are inevitable one way or another and are sending us ever further down a grim and Blade Runner-y path to the future.

Is it me or does it seem like the advertisement-soaked dystopic
urban hellscapes of sci-fi movies like Blade Runner and Ghost
in the Shell actually undersold the reality of living in 2019?

To Boldly Yeoh!

First of all, sorry about the title. It turns out I'm not better than that. But moving on: So hot on the heels of last week's announcement that Star Trek 4 isn't going to happen, CBS has just made the Georgiou show a real thing that is going to happen.

Because we, as a society, were desperately low on Star Trek shows.

That throbbing sensation? That's your
positronic relays suffering a cascade
overload. Just try not to think about it.

What the hell am I talking about? Well, read Sunday's post first, it'll help. Back? Cool. This new series-well, this new, new, new series will be like the third new Star Trek series announced since Discovery started in late 2017. In further complications, the Georgiou show will be a spin-off of a prequel spin-off which is itself a sequel to the prequel to the original series. Still with me? Of course not. It doesn't matter. The important thing to remember is: new Star Trek show.

"No, I haven't seen Bandersnatch yet,
now shut the fuck up before I end you."

-America: we love 

guns and hate spoilers

So what's it about? Well, I'm glad I pretended you asked. But since we live in a content-hungry culture obsessed with spoiler avoidance, I should warn you first that explaining who this character is and what this show is about and where it fits in the the greater Star Trek milieu is super-complicated and will involve details about Discovery season one. So, if you've seen it already or don't care about such things, buckle up them spoiler belts because I'm about to spoil the shit out of it. Otherwise, bail out now. Still there?

Ok, Captain Georgiou, played by action movie star Michelle Yeoh, as you may recall, was murdered and eaten by Klingons like two episodes in. But because Star Trek, Yeoh returned later in the season as her character's evil, mirror universe doppelganger.

Here's evil Georgiou kicking Jason Isaacs' Captain Lorca (also evil) in the face.
While he's behind her. Did I mention that Michelle Yeoh is 56 years old?

Well, squeaky-clean to a point. I mean,
the holodeck is basically there for the
crew to have sex with pretend people.

Emperor Georgiou was the ruler of the mirror universe humans, but got overthrown and then wound up in the non-evil prime universe where, according to a deleted scene (which is canon, because yes it is, shut up), she's recruited by Section 31...which also bears some explanation. Section 31 is this sort of secret, unsanctioned, black-ops organization that exists within Starfleet. The series will follow Agent Evil Georgiou (probably not the name they'll go with) as she carries out shady shenanigans in the name of the otherwise squeaky-clean Federation.

Which, yes, I may have recently (like a day ago) lamented that maybe there are too many Treks happening all at once, but I'm going to give this one a pass. Michelle Yeoh is great, Evil Georgiou is campy fun I love the idea of spy craft in space. But for real, after this, Discovery, the Picard show and the cartoon please, please, give it a rest.

Coming this fall to CBS All Access:
Star Trek: The Young Guinan Chronicles!

To boldly not go!

Good work. Now, stop please.

Just so you know, we're about to get nerdy. I know, look who I'm talking to, but I'm saying this to give you a graceful out if you don't want to follow me down a rabbit hole of Trekkie-ness. I understand. You hate things that are awesome, and that's your choice. I'll respect your right to disagree with me, even if your subjective opinions are objectively incorrect. There is, as I'm sure you're aware, an accounting for taste. So, still with me? Congratulations. Anyway, get this: Star Trek 4 has been cancelled. Try to look surprised.

Without Star Trek, the internet would
just be about kittens and porn, right?

Huh? No, not the one with the whales, the fourth movie in the J. J. Abrams reboot series which is set in the Kelvin timeline; an alternate reality from the-you know what? It doesn't matter. The important thing is that it looks like it and any further movies with that cast are off, and I think we should discuss. And by discuss I mean I'll go on for a bit about how I feel about this, and maybe you'll read. Or not. I can't actually see you, but it's not like the internet is going to run out of room, so why not fill it with one-sided discussions about Star Trek?

Out-dumbed only by Jean-Luc off roading
on a pre-warp planet in Star Trek Nemesis.

I may have given the impression that I hate the Abrams Trek movies, and I kind of do. As a Star Trek fan, I don't love comic-book worthy science, casual disregard for cannon or the dumb popcorn movie tone. On the other hand the cast is good, they're fun to watch and if we're being honest, they're the only Star Trek movies you can show your non-fan friends and have them still talk to you afterwards. Also, the last one, Star Trek: Beyond, was pretty good. Well, except for the thing with The Beastie Boys. Oh, and Kirk riding a motor cycle. And the entire planet of tiny aliens and-I guess it was pretty dumb, but the least dumb of the three.

"Picard had a fish in the ready
room, why not a show about that?"

-Sir Patrick Stewart, spitballing

Oh well, with Discovery and, at last count like, fifteen other Star Trek spin-off things in development at CBS, I guess we don't really need another one. In fact, I kind of wish they'd tap the brakes a little. The reason for the cancellation appears to be contract related. Beyond didn't do so well financially so Paramount decided that the cast should take a pay cut. Which, I don't understand the movie business, but it seems like it's not the cast's fault the movie didn't do well. I thought it'd be the marketing or the aforementioned dumbness of the script, but what do I know?

Anyway negotiations have dragged on so long that the director, S.J. Clarkson, has bailed to go work on the Game of Thrones prequel and now Star Trek 4 is technically 'shelved.' Not cancelled, shelved. But between Beyond not making a ton of money and all the focus on Discovery and the Picard show, I think we can just assume that's it for now.

To be clear: Clarkson jumped ship to go work on a G.R.R. Martin
project, because she felt it was more likely to actually happen.

To be clear, I don't hate babies.

Right now America is struggling with antagonistic political divisions, the effects of anthropogenic climate change and an economic system that has $1,500 doggie daycares, but is cool with letting people go homeless. But the good news is that amidst all this chaos and confusion, there is one thing we're doing right:

Having fewer babies.

This specific baby however
is clearly a total jerk.

A new study carried out by the-huh? I don't hate babies, why would you think-oh, because I said that thing about how we're doing it right by having fewer of them. I don't have anything against babies per se, it's just...look, there's a finite amount of space and resources and I just think that maybe tapping the breaks a little on our contribution to the global population isn't the worst idea, ok? Besides, whatever my feelings on the subject of babies, like as a thing, it's not like they're going to stop people from having them.

Iowa Representative Steve King,
I'm looking at you...

Anyway, a study carried out by the National Center for Health Statistics shows that the U.S. fertility rate below the level necessary for population replacement. The biggest drop is among non-hispanic white women, and while black and hispanic women have fertility rates above replacement level, the overall rate in the U.S. among people of all races taken together is still below 16% below replacement. So I give it, what? Two days before some Republican says something super racist about this? One? Because you know someone will.

Pictured: the future of American jobs...or
possibly the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Ok, so fewer babies, what does that mean? Well eventually it will mean a glorious future where the line at the grocery store is shorter, tickets to shows and sporting events will be cheaper and there will be fewer people being horrible to one another on social media. So, bright side, right? Also, in a weird way, fewer young people in the work force might also be a good thing. Sure, every business will probably be Amazon by then, but still, someone has to work those shitty picker jobs.

Something similar happened in the middle ages when the plague wiped out a third of the European population and suddenly peasants were in high demand. The power shifted from the employers to the employed. The economic shift helped create the concept of the middle class. Remember the middle class? Yeah, me neither.

The internet assures me that American families used to be able to sustain
themselves on a single income and own a house. I remain skeptical.

"Wow, the 80's sound super-interesting,
but our time is up. Tap here to tip me 20%."

But you know, a declining population isn't all short lines and peasant uprisings. There'll probably be some drawbacks as well. For instance, an aging population might lead to a crisis of care as older Americans find themselves without children to take care of them when they can no longer work. Japan, another country facing a declining population, has explored the idea of using robots to take care of their elderly which I am all for. Of course, with the gig-economy, our solution will probably be some start-up with a dumb app.

So what do we do? Got me. Having a declining population sounds like a problem, but then so does having a rising one. I would think that a more or less stable population is the ideal. And if births are on the decline, it kind of seems like maybe we should just make it easier for people to move here, right?

Hey, since we're literally running out of people, maybe
the Trump people could lighten up on immigration?
And you know, also stop being garbage humans?