Today in biting the hand that tweets him:

Above: the real victim here.

I guess what I want to know is how come we're in the middle of a global pandemic, millions of people are out of work and another black man was just murdered-on video-and his killer has yet to face charges, but Twitter having the temerity for calling the President out for lying about voter fraud is cause for executive action? I mean, I guess I know the answer: it's because hypocrisy. He doesn't believe in freedom of speech so much as he believes that he should be allowed to spread misinformation to dumbs.

So what happened? What egregious act of censorship did the liberal media perpetrate this time? Twitter tagged a Tweet the President-uh-tweeted with a link to facts about mail-in ballots. Because he was lying about mail-in ballots. Those monsters.

Literally every sentence in these two tweets are demonstrably
false or wild, paranoid speculation, but sure, censorship. 

"Because it's only the free
market when they're nice to me."

-Trump, basically

According to the leaked draft of his upcoming executive order, the President accused social media platforms of censoring him which is nonsense for a couple of reasons. I'm not an expert, but censorship is something governments do to control whatever it deems as dangerous material (to them). When a private company does it it's called being a private business. Like, Twitter or Facebook or whomever have every right to tag dangerous bullshit as dangerous bullshit. What's weird is that conservatives love the free market, so why is this any different?

I guess it's the same reason the Right is into states' rights except when states want to keep business and churches closed to keep a pandemic from killing millions of our precious human capital stock or whatever that goon said. Hey, you don't suppose all this is because he owes his Presidency to lying on social media and now that they're calling him out on it, he's freaking out and trying to use executive action to protect his influence?

Pictured: literally the only reason he's
not hosting The Apprentice right now.

All aboard the goon train!

Dear Facebook, are you even for real with this? What this? This this. I mean, look at this:

Pictured: Facebook being for real with this, evidently.

You're probably most familiar with
 their products as the things you threw
away when a your great aunt died.

From the good people at the Hamilton Collection-a division of the Bradford Exchange-which I assume is a thing, comes the Donald Trump Express Train Collection®. Here, the website describes it more eloquently than I ever could:

"Heirloom-quality HO-scale electric train collection features the 45th President of the United States. Free track, power pack, a $100 value. Lights up!"

-The Hamilton Collection's

clearly under appreciated

marketing department

Highly trained Bradford Exchange
scientists use internet technology to
gauge and monitor your satisfaction.

You don't just order The Donald Trump Express Train Collection, you subscribe to it. And when you subscribe, you'll receive each issue (trains come in issues, I guess?) for just $79.99 each. Why Subscribe? I'm glad I pretended you asked. You subscribe so that you "never risk a price increase." How many times have you been buying Donald Trump-themed HO-scale train sets only to see them jack up the price after you're hooked? That's not going to happen this time because there's no risk and satisfaction is 100% guaranteed. 

By clearly I mean of course the blurry
yellow box in the lower right.

Now, if you're worried that owning an heirloom-quality, HO-scale toy train with Donald Trump and his jingoistic slogans all over it might somehow mark you out as a hyper-nationalist, racist, misogynistic goon, don't worry: the website site clearly states: "The presentation of this collectible for sale does not indicate an endorsement of any political candidate or opinion but The Hamilton Collection or its affiliates." See? No one could possibly interpret your owning one as anything other than an insatiable drive to buy high-quality collectibles that will definitely increase in value. 

You heard me, increase in value. Of course, you can cancel your subscription at any time but then, why would you want to go through life with an incomplete Donald Trump Express Train Collection? I mean, each train car-sorry, issue-is a one hundred dollar value, but you're getting it them for just $79.99 each. You're basically getting twenty dollars worth of Donald Trump train for free. That's just a smart business move. You know who else makes smart business moves? That's right. Operators are standing by.

Unless you just want to see America fail. 

Does he...does he not know what a virus is?

Fine, not just the south. It's the north,
the west, really anywhere white
people start feeling unappreciated. 

Who? Who do you think? The President. I'm asking because this. It's a story about how the President is threatening to move the Republican convention our of Charlotte, North Carolina. But wait, Republicans and the south go to gather like white and racism. Why would they-what? I know it's not just the-oh don't look at me like that. The point is, why would the President want to upset voters in a state he won in 2016? Well, North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper, a Democrat, isn't able to guarantee that there won't be limit on the number of people allowed to attend large events by the end of August when the convention is scheduled.

Which, on the one hand, I'd be relived not to have a swarm of be-MAGA-hatted goons descend on my city, but given the economic boon that is a political convention Governor Cooper can't possibly be making the decision lightly.

Although, do you have any idea how difficult it is
to get misogyny out of stadium seat upholstery?

"Why Trump? I guess I really admire
his hotheaded, reckless anger and
generally lack of accountability."

-Trump supporters, evidently

Trump took a break from golf to bloviate on Twitter:

"Unfortunately, Democrat Governor [sic]...is still in Shutdown moon & unable to guarantee that by August we will be allowed full attendance in the Arena...(Republicans) must be immediately given an answer by the Governor as to whether or not the space will be allowed to be fully occupied. If not, we will be reluctantly forced to find...another Republican National Convention site."

-Donald Trump, still unclear that 

Democrat is a noun not an adjective

Pictured: not Governor Roy Cooper.

First of all, he doesn't need to capitalize "shutdown" or "Arena." Second of all, Governor Cooper isn't saying there will be limits on crowds in August, he's saying he doesn't know what the situation is going to be like then and that he's unwilling to make the call more than three months out. Which is completely reasonable. And this isn't, as the President suggests, because he's a Democrat. Again, the convention really does mean jobs and money for the state. It's because he's not a goddamn clairvoyant. And neither is Donald Eleven Bankruptcies Trump.

So why are we even having this conversation? Between this, his insane refusal to wear a mask when interacting with people and last weekend's bizarre, Constitution-defying suggestion/direction/demand that churches go ahead and hold services regardless of state orders, I'm genuinely beginning to think that he doesn't know what a virus is. Like, I think he thinks if he tweets hard enough it will just go away.

Pictured: The coronavirus, seen here being destroyed by sheer,
stubborn refusal to take reasonable precautions and pure MAGA-rage.

(source: no science I've ever seen)

I still say the Snyder cut wasn't a thing.

Let it never be said that hashtags don't work. Years of fans begging, cajoling and outright threatening Warner Bros. for another opportunity to give them their money, the studio has reluctantly agreed to take them up on it and is releasing the Snyder cut. Sort of?

"Thanks no, we've got enough money."

-No production company ever

"Feast, feast on the carcasses
 of failed artistic endeavor."

-Walmart

Yeah, Zach Snyder announced that the long-rumored, never confirmed to actually exist cut of a mediocre movie that nobody liked when it came out and even fewer liked when it ended up in bargain DVD bins. For people with lives who shrugged indifferently when Justice League flopped and then never gave it a second thought, I'll nerd'splain. In an attempt to have their own MCU, Warner Bros. cranked out a series of so-so DC movies, all the while assuring us they were leading up to some amazing Justice League team-up movie.

When they finally got to work on League, film's original director, Zach Snyder, left the production for personal reasons and Warner Bros. brought Avengers director Joss Whedon in to finish it.

Although in fairness, no director would have been up to the task of
making a movie that would make Suicide Squad worth sitting through. 

Above: Justice League's source material.

But then Whedon's Justice League was greeted with universal "m'eh." It was long, boring, and full of CG-nonsense. I mean, for a movie about characters from 1970's kids' bedsheets it just took itself way too seriously. And that was kind of surprising given that Whedon's Avengers was pretty good. But instead of just moving on with their lives, fans wouldn't let it go. Maybe it was because of the troubled production or maybe it was just that they wanted it to be better, but the idea that Zach Snyder had actually finished a better version of the movie surfaced and the hashtagging began.

Nothing brings a performance out of
an actor like contractual obligation.

And now it's totally paid off. Once again the creative democracy that is the internet will deliver exactly the film comic fans wanted. Except that no it didn't and no it won't. According to the announcement, this isn't the long-awaited release of a finished movie that's been sitting in a drawer somewhere just to torment fans. Instead, it will be a re-edited, re-scored, six chapter miniseries cobbled together with new effects and even dialogue they're dragging the cast back in to record. 

"The boring bits? All Whedon."

-Zach Snyder

According to Snyder, the movie we saw was only a quarter his and that this new release will be an entirely new thing:

"It will be an entirely new thing [see?], and, especially taking to those who have seen the released movie, a new experience apart from that movie."

-Zach Snyder, diplomatically not referring to

the theatrical release as an unmitigated shitshow 

Ok, so is there a Snyder cut? Was there ever? Because if there is or was, this doesn't sound like it. Sure, Zach Snyder is revisiting his own film, but sounds like the studio recycling a commercial failure to make something new. And that's fine, I mean, it can't possibly be worse. But if this is a Justice League re-dux with the aim of recouping losses by repurposing a bad movie, then call it that. Because presenting it as some kind of fan victory is only going to encourage us to make demands. It's why you don't negotiate with terrorists.

I guess what I'm saying is, if they give in to the fans on this,
sooner or later, they're just going to have to bring back Firefly.

Because emoluments clauses are for poors.

Is he holding their families hostage or
 are they just dumb and racist? Both?

The Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that the emoluments case against Trump can proceed, outraging the President who has long maintained that as president, he is immune to investigations into or prosecution for any crimes he has committed, or may commit in the future. He's previously also insisted that he is immune to COVID-19, cholesterol and the harmful effects of staring directly into the sun during an eclipse, leaving many to wonder: "no really, what is wrong with him and the people who still support him? I'm seriously asking. Because this is a problem."

Coincidentally, the President has named
his fists Corruption (right) and Graft (left).

The emoluments clause of the Constitution prevents a sitting president from profiting from the office and from accepting gifts or payments from a sovereign state. It's designed to prevent corruption and graft. Trump, by contrast, still owns and profits from his many businesses, openly promotes them and encourages both domestic agencies and foreign governments to patronize his many hotels and golf courses...so exactly what the emoluments clause says he can't do.

The District of Columbia and Maryland are arguing that, you know, he's in direct violation of constitutional law. The President however is making the counter argument that laws are dumb and that he has unlimited power.

Pictured: President Trump, seen here electrocuting his political opponents
with dark force lightning while shrieking about his unlimited power.

"What? All I'm saying is that the President's
power is total and he's above the law
just like the founding fathers intended. "

According to one of the President's many and I'm sure, overworked personal lawyers:

"We disagree with the decision of the Fourth Circuit. This case is another example of Presidential harassment. We will be seeking review at the Supreme Court."

-Jay Sekulow, the hollowed

out shell of a lawyer  

Above: just some of the many women
for whom Presidential Harassment
means something else entirely. 

For those keeping score, he's taking about appealing to the Supreme Court. You know, the same one to which Trump has appointed two members. For life. So you know, that's cool, I'm sure justice will be, you know, whatever. Also, I should point out his use of the phrase "presidential harassment." It's something Republicans made up recently to describe Donald Trump being held accountable for crimes, and shouldn't be confused with the twenty-five separate accusations of sexual harassment brought against the President.

Ok, what happens now? Probably nothing. If the aforementioned Supreme Court throws out the appeal, then sure, the case might move forward, but when it comes to the law, Trump's track record so far has been pretty foot-draggy and openly defiant. Hey, remember when when crimes were illegal? That was great. 

 Pictured: Trump International in Washington D.C,
seen here violating the emoluments clause.

Today in hot takes:

Finally. Just when you thought there wouldn't be enough Star Trek shows, CBS announced Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, which is another Star Trek show. Good news? Yes. But it is also simultaneously terrible news. That's my hot take. I'm saying that right, right?

Hot take, swole, selfies. I know all the terms.

In an inspired casting move, the
new cast is younger, hipper and
more alive than the original one.

Yup. Hot take. It means a strong, off-the-cuff opinion, usually expressed in an exaggerated or over-the-top fashion for maximum impact and I don't know, likes on Instant-Gram. Anyway, Strange New Worlds will be a spin-off of Discovery season two which re-introduced original series characters Captain Pike, Number One and Spock now played by Anson Mount, Rebecca Romain and Ethan Peck respectively. So who the hell are these people? Well, Spock is obviously Spock, but Pike and Number One were from the original show's first, rejected pilot, before William Shatner joined the cast.

Confusing? Sure it is, but I can help. Canonically, they were the crew of the Enterprise before Captain Kirk, so this is a sequel to the pilot and Discovery season two, but a prequel to the Original Series. Also, it's unrelated to the versions of these characters who appeared in the J.J. Abrams Star Trek movies. Does that clear it up?

No. No it doesn't clear it up, but then it wouldn't be a Star Trek
thing without a complicated explanation involving alternate
universes, time travel, and protracted discussions about cannon.

Pictured: Starfleet Lieutenant Uhura,
seen here asking the captain why she
can't just wear pants like everyone else. 

SNW, like Discovery, will almost certainly be an updated version of the 23rd century that reflects current sensibilities. Because, and I say this as a fan, but going back to the original series is kind of difficult. It's not just the cardboard sets and primitive effects-in fact, those are kind of great-it's the attitudes. I know it was a product of its time, but it's supposed to be the future yet this 23rd century starship is 99% white people, no one's queer and every female character, regardless of rank, is essentially a secretary in a miniskirt. It's the future of the past as envisioned by your well-intentioned, but cringingly inappropriate grandpa who still refers to grown women as girls and says things like "orientals." Disco's 23rd century however is, as the kids say, woke.

Pictured: that time Seven of Nine
mercy-killed Icheb. Because optimism.

And I am there for it. I am always up for more Star Trek-ing, so yeah, this is good news. But why is it also terrible? Well, I'm glad I pretended you asked. It's the worst because I'm not sure giving us what we want is always a great idea. According to the video announcement, this is happening for two reasons: the world is a grim, depressing place and we need Trekkie optimism. Which is true, but also because the characters were so well received on Disco and the fans have been begging for this.

"More teeth! Human teeth! Kids love teeth."

-Paramount Studios

Studios listening to the fanbase can be a good thing, sure. Remember that human/rodent nightmare chimera that was Sonic the Hedgehog? They went and redid all the effects shots after fan outcry and the movie went on to be a big success. Not good probably, but successful. Universal tried to fix Cats after everyone pointed out how shitty the effects were. It didn't save it, but at least the CG was better than it was. Oh, and Star Trek itself only got a third season after a fans organized a write-in campaign. That season included the episode Spock's Brain, but still, a third season.

Above: That time J.J. Abrams converted
online criticism into a screenplay.

That said, fan feedback isn't always right or at least it isn't always the best from a creative standpoint. And sometimes in trying to please everybody, filmmakers end up pleasing nobody. Like, that's how you get something like Rise of Skywalker. What I'm getting at is that fans don't necessarily know what they want. We may think that we know what we want, but we're wrong just as often as we're right. And writing by committee, especially when that committee is the internet, is a terrible idea. I mean, how far away are we from just voting on plot points?

So will this be the case with SNW? Who can say? I'm looking forward to it, but I think it's important to keep one's expectations in check because seriously, just because fans want a thing doesn't necessarily mean we should get that thing.

What I'm saying is that because someone listened to the fans, we
now live in a world where Doctor Who once crossed over with TNG.

No, really, wear your mask.

What I'm saying is wear your goddamn mask, ok? I mentioned it because I am, as I write this, making my way across country to-huh? Yeah, I know it's a terrible idea to travel right now, but you know, plans were already in place before all this-look, doesn't matter, my point is I've spent the last three and a half days driving from California to upstate New York and saw mask on like, I don't know, ten percent of the people I encountered.

2,774 miles, 41 hours, 11 states and like nine people wearing masks.

Pictured: what we do instead
of attaining degrees now.

I'm not a doctor, but I've done a lot of research. Research, that's what we call it when we scroll through Facebook and take every half-remembered article-title as scientific fact that we then defend to the death against anyone who questions it right? So I've done research, and my understanding is that wearing a mask is as much for, if not more for, protecting those around you than they are for protecting yourself. Again, Facebook research, but I think that's pretty spot on.

Above: selfish dumbs...who are
also bad at math. And analogies. 

So when I've been driving for hours and stop at a gas station to fill up and I'm the only person around wearing a mask, that sucks. I mean, they suck. Doing the bare minimum to slow the spread of an actual pandemic is not too much to ask and it's not infringing on anyone's freedom-looking at you Wisconsin. I mean what the actual. It's not a debate between societal good and personal liberty, it's a debate between people who understand that this is going to get way worse if we don't do what we need to do and selfish dumbs.

Yeah, selfish dumbs. And not to paint every maskless goon with the same brush, but I feel like there's a lot of overlap between them and the people who walk around with automatic weapons to protect themselves from all the other idiots carrying automatic weapons. Which is weird right? I mean, it's almost like it's not about self-defense or even constitutional rights so much as they're just jerks.

Even weirder when they besiege the Michigan State House and none of
 them are arrested for being terrorists. Which they are. Terrorists I mean.

Chew on this! Or don't. It makes no difference.

Are you susceptible to the ravages of time? Is your jaw lazy and unattractive? Have you ever felt that your neck and face could be a little more activated? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then the preposterously named Jawzrsize, ®™©, is for you. Huh? I think you pronounce it jaws-er-size. I don't know, it's not a word.

"What the actual is this person doing?"

-everyone who sees this

Pictured: the Jawzrsize product line.
Or possibly sex toys. Who can say?

Because commerce will never again give us a moment's peace, I found myself sitting through another ad while waiting for a video to start. Yes, again. This time for an adult pacifier/piece of exercise equipment. Yeah, by chewing that hunk of plastic on a lanyard you can strengthen the muscles in your jaw, face, and neck and thereby look younger. Don't believe me? Well then, check out the ad and the glowing testimonial offered by this blonde guy that looks like every grade school PE teacher in America.

You don't suppose he works for them?

"I had seen the before and after photos on the website and I thought to myself, I'm forty-eight years old, my face is starting to look a little bit aged and it couldn't hurt to try. After thirty days, I could not believe my before and after photos. I literally rolled back the hands of time. Ten years. What I believe is that [this is] a massive discovery."

-Some guy wearing 

a Jawzrsize t-shirt

Let me stop him there. I know I'm criticizing a testimonial for a nonsense product designed to not solve a problem that doesn't exist, but he didn't literally roll back the hands of time. Well, obviously, but I mean he has the expression wrong. You roll back an odometer, you turn back the hands of time. Which again, it doesn't do that either.

I don't want to tell anyone how to shill their bunk, but when using before
and after photos, shouldn't they look...I  don't know, appreciably different?

Undeterred by botched idioms, he goes on to blind us with junk science:

Yeah, but Jawzrsize? It seems like they
missed a real opportunity to call this
thing FitFace®. Get fit, with FitFace!

"If you think about it, there's a piece of fitness equipment for every part of the body, right? And why isn't there one yet for the face? ...when you work something out you bring in blood, you bring in blood flow you strengthen things. Over time, collagen reproduction drops, things start to sag, this device, because of the activation...all of the sudden creates a fit face."

-Same guy, making a compelling 

argument...for what, I don't know

Move over Abdominizor, look out
Shakeweight, there's a new bullshit fitness
device vying to part fools from their money.

So does it work? I mean, of course it doesn't work. None of these things work. I'm not a doctor, but neither is anyone involved with this product. And never in the history of the world has a legitimate medical breakthrough come with free shipping for orders over fifty dollars. People age. That's life. Chewing a dog toy isn't going to change that. But hey, let's let Jawzrsize speak for itself. And by speak for itself I mean rather than just quoting the ad copy on their website, I'm going to take it a step further and engage with it. Sort of like an interview, except I'm interviewing words.

Oh and I'll intersperse some of the pictures from the site of attractive people that they'd like us to believe fell for this. Here goes:

The ad: Think about it. There are 57+ muscles in your face and neck.

Me: Ok. I'm thinking about it.

Sure, it will give you a chiseled jaw (it won't), but at what cost?

The ad: That's 57+ muscles you've most likely never put through a proper workout.

Me: Um, how dare you?

The ad: Every year people contribute billions to the cosmetic industry restructuring their faces through surgery injections that don't last.

Me: What's a surgery injection? Also, billions? Are you sure? That number sounds kind of high and made up. Where did you get it? 

Hello friends desperately stifling their laughter as you explain
why you're chewing on a $40 hunk of rubber on a string.

The ad: They've tried everything-

Me: Those idiots.

The ad: -or so they think...

Me: Oh. I should have let you finish.

Thanks to Jawzrsize, this 22 year old model can
now easily be mistaken for a 22 year old model. 

The ad: ...but when was the last time they really gave their jaw a proper work out?
Me: I am sure I don't know.

The ad: Jawzrsize is for anyone who wants a healthier, stronger appearance.*
Me: So rubes? And what's that asterisk about? It doesn't refer to anything at the bottom of the page. It's just there...

Well, hurry up and order yours now. Like, while everyone else is sitting inside, waiting for shelter in place to end and letting their faces get all old and flabby. Not you though. You'll be getting Jawzrsized (or Fitfaced). Oh, and as soon as we're able to go outside again, be sure to use this thing in public. It totally won't make you look ridiculous.

In fact, it will make you look awesome. Like these people.

The buck stops somewhere else...it's a Democrat hoax...everyone says so

In further evidence that everything the administration touches turns into an unmitigated disaster, dead people are getting Coronavirus relief checks. Because of course they are. Here's an NPR story about it. And it's not like the IRS doesn't know the people getting this money are dead, the names are followed by "DECD" which is evidently code for deceased. So what gives?

"This is why I tried to block this: relief money just incentivizes being dead.
How are Americans supposed to want to come back to life and get back to
work if we're paying them more to stay dead? I ask you..."

-Lindsay Graham

I guess, he's probably in attention
withdrawal since he can't throw
himself any more rallies for awhile.

The obvious explanation would be that the IRS was so swamped with the sudden need to prepare millions of checks on short notice and somewhere along the way something went wrong. I mean, it seems like a big something and you'd think there'd be a mechanism to filter our deceased taxpayers, but whatever. It would be a lot more understandable if it weren't for that last minute demand the President made that his name appear on the checks. His need to feel appreciated for something he had very little to do with, may have screwed us again.

Ok, so dead people can't cash checks, so what's the big deal? The big deal is that their executors and heirs can and they're not supposed to. So that's a ton of money tied up in a weird limbo at the worst possible time. The IRS would like that money back thank you very much, which with the physical checks is as simple as ticking the "deceased" box and sending them back. Direct deposit on the other hand is a bit more complicated.

I mean, I assume they can't cash checks, although
at this point not much would surprise me.

A national turducken if you will.

Like, you can't just write the IRS a check and hope they get it and check your dead relative off the list. There's just no mechanism in place to put this money back and no one has a clue what to do. It's just a disaster inside a crisis wrapped in an era of suck. But ok, how is the the President's fault? Well, like I said, I'm unconvinced that adding his name didn't put unnecessary pressure on the already over-taxed (ha!) IRS, but more importantly this whole thing is happening on his watch.

Technically. Because as I've mentioned
before, most of us voted for her.

Leaving aside how he's handling-or not-the crisis as a whole, he's still the President. Technically. And one of the hallmarks of his time in office has been his stubborn, almost comical if so many people weren't dead, refusal to accept any responsibility for anything ever. Credit sure, usually for the economic situation he inherited from Obama or in the case of the relief checks, for something congress put together using our tax money. His was a literal (well, figurative) rubber stamp.

Which totally frosts my cookies. I mean, how is that not a political ad for his campaign? I had direct deposit, so I never got a check with his name on it, but I did get this letter from him with his big, dumb signature on it, about how we're going to conquer this challenge and how "America will triumph yet again--and rise to new heights of greatness." Which is a clear reference to his campaign slogan again, at tax payer expense.

Pictured: his big, dumb, illegible signature, which,
like, doesn't his name have a "T" in it? Where's the "T?"

Because when playing poker for
money and (presumably drinking) you
definitely want a knife on the table. 

Anyway, he never accepts blame for anything that goes wrong no matter how directly responsible he is. Which is weird, because that's what leaders are supposed to do, right? I'm going to get pedantic now (what do you mean: "what do I mean now?"), but expression "pass the buck" comes from olde timey people playing poker. The story is that a buck knife was passed around the table to whoever's turn it was to bet, and if you didn't want to bet you'd passed the buck. Harry Truman famously kept a sign on his desk reading "The buck stops here" which was his way of saying he takes responsibility, like a leader.

Also, to my knowledge he never
bragged about sexually assault,
so he's got that on Trump as well.

Truman's successor Dwight D. Eisenhower once said-yeah, get me, now I'm quoting Eisenhower. Anyway, he said:

"Leadership consists of nothing but taking responsibility for everything that goes wrong and giving your subordinates credit for everything that goes well."

-Dwight "Big D Energy" Eisenhower on leadershi-
what? It's what kids in the 50's called him...

Above: Donald Trump, seen here not
accepting responsibility for anything.

Which is the exact opposite of everything Donald Trump says and does. Don't get me wrong, I do love cynicism, but remember when we had a president who at least tried to do leader-y things? Took responsibility? Spoke in complete sentences? Didn't tell people to drink bleach? Those were the days. So yeah, this whole thing, the botched response to the pandemic, the unemployment and economic tailspin all of it is not only Donald Trump's fault because he's terrible at his job, but it's his fault because it's his job for it to be his fault.

Hey speaking of missing people who did leader-y things, Barack and Michelle Obama are going to live stream a kind of virtual commencement address next month. It's for students whose graduations were canceled by the closures and I think the best thing we can all do is watch. Like, let's make sure that the Obamas and Lady Gaga-'cause she's on this thing too, get better ratings than the current President. He will absolutely lose his mind. It'll be great.

Petty? Maybe. But we must grasp what shreds of joy we can in these
 uncertain times. And the idea of Donald Trump having to hear about
how many more of us watched the Obamas and Lady Gaga than his
 Lincoln memorial pity-party would absolutely get me through this.