Like Akhenaten, but with dumber hair.

I mean, I know we're all sick of this guy, and nothing he does should surprise us at this point, but is he even for real with this? What guy and what this? Why, the President and this: the President is holding up everyone's checks so he can put his name on them. An unprecedented move in the extremely precedented history of stimulus checks.

The long and storied history of stimulus checks..which, wait, you
don't suppose there's something wrong with our economy that
we keep needing these frequent stimulus bailouts, do you?

Massive government bureaucracies
are famous for their ability to adapt
to last minute changes, right? 

Ok, but is it true? Well, according to the IRS, no. They say this won't hold them up, but two anonymous treasury officials say yes, of course it will. So who to believe? Obviously I'm inclined to believe the story because I can't stand his stupid face, but let's try to be objective here. Could these anonymous officials be making this up? Sure, but a change in procedure has to cause some kind of delay. There's no way going back and adding Trump Fun Bucks to the memo line-they said no to the signature line-isn't going to interrupt the flow.

You don't suppose Treasury Secretary
Mnuchin's just dragging his feet on the
Tubman 20 for political reasons, do you?

Hey, remember how the Treasury Department was supposed to introduce the new $20 bill last year? You know, the one with Harriet Tubman? And yet here we are, ATM's still spitting out Andrew "Trail of Tears" Jackson. In fact, according to the Treasury, the new twenty is delayed until at least 2028. But this eleventh hour totally unnecessary change to the planned disbursement of desperately needed funds is going to have no impact on the schedule? Really? None? Because I find that a little...liar-y? Is that a word? Because I find it liar-y.

So I guess the question is by how much will people's checks delayed by this. And with millions of people out of work, I feel like the acceptable amount of time to make them wait for the Treasury department to stroke Donald Trump's ego is exactly zero minutes.

Stop the presses everybody, the President is feeling under appreciated.

Just kidding. I know he was born
without the part of the brain responsible
for irony. And shame. And empathy.

But a bigger issue is whatthefuckhowdarehe? Slapping his name on these stimu-wait, hang on. Can we please stop calling these stimulus checks? They're really more like, I don't know, disaster relief checks, right? Because we're not using these to buy new iPhones or go out to the movies. Most of us are using the money to pay things like rent and bills that are piling up while we're all out of work. Or if not that, then to pay off the crushing debt we were already living under in what the President calls (ironically? It's hard to tell with him) "the greatest economy in the history of the world."

"Hey! Hey, we are job cre-creatators."

-Business guys, not even able 

to say it with a straight face

What were we talking about? Right. How dare he insist his name go on these checks. For one thing, part of what he built his entire campaign on was convincing people who literally don't know what socialism is that socialism is bad and will murder their children. Huh? Xenophobia. The rest was based on xenophobia. Oh, and for another thing, this is our goddamn money. Like, it's us getting small portion of our own money back. And even that had to be wrested from the billions of dollars GOP lawmakers were handing over to corporations.

I suppose the argument can be made that this crisis or at least its severity can and should be laid at his feet, but can't we just rename the virus after him or something? Why should he get to put his name on our money?

What? He loves having his name on things.

"Legal is whatever I say it is. Everyone
knows that. Read your Consternation."

Yeah, and speaking of, I hope someone is suing over this. I mean, the reason we've never put the President's name on these things in the past is because it's basically free advertising. Again, this isn't his money, but millions of checks are going out with his name on them, which sounds pretty partisan to me. I know as President his authority is total or whatever, but this can't be legal can it? Like, you can't turn federal funds into a campaign ad, right?

I guess we can only comfort ourselves with the knowledge that someday, who can say when? But someday, he'll be out of office and we can go about the business of chiseling his name off everything we can like some disgraced pharaoh. Oh, and telling his supporters "I told you so." Can't wait to do that. So many I told you so's.

A disgraced pharaoh who's bad at business.