You heard me, twice. He took it twice.

Don't worry everybody, the electoral college-installed goon who is personally responsible for the Federal Government's slow and often botched response to the pandemic is safe. The President, Vice President, and anyone coming into contact with them are being given rapid response tests for coronavirus.

Pictured: The President shaking hands at a briefing about how
contagious this thing is. He...he knows what a virus is, right?

Are you picturing it? A human centipede
 of Republicans? Then I've done my job.

Yes, that would be the test that's in such short supply that it's being rationed around the country. Oh, and it would also be the same test of which the President said we would have half a million kits of but in fact only have fifty-five hundred. But you can rest assured that the gameshow host who failed his way into White House along with all the toadies who, like an ass-to-mouth chain of sycophancy have human centipeded their way into the corridors of power are getting the best preventative care our money can buy.

Actually I guess it would be
exactly like the last three years.

And why not? After all, if the President and key members of the administration were to fall ill, who would be around to not do anything? Could you imagine what it would be like without the administration? Like, who would hold rambling daily press conferences and My Pillow infomercials? And who would brag about the President's ratings? And if Jared Kushner were sick in bed, who would explain to the public that the Federal relief supplies are for them and not for the ungrateful states who've been so very rude to his father-in-law?

You don't suppose this is why hereditary
monarchies so often end up on the
receiving end of bloody revolutions, do you?

Oh yes, that's real. He literally has no idea what his job is or what he's supposed to be doing which, when it's a vital role upon which lives are depending isn't the best, you know?

"The notion of the federal stockpile was it's supposed to be our stockpile. It's not supposed to be states' stockpile that they then use..."

-Some guy who's only

job qualification is being
married to Ivanka Trump 

"Since we're out of tests, I have no idea
if you're infected, but the important thing
is that the President isn't. So there's that."

-Some doctor

Anyway, I guess as we all sit in our homes watching the world fly apart around us, we can comfort ourselves with the knowledge that even though our over-priced, private, for-profit health care industry might be strained past the breaking point and hundreds are dying daily, the President and those closest to him will continue to have access to the test and will know immediately if one of them is infected so they can...I guess get bedrest like the rest of us. I mean, there's no real cure for this yet so...But it doesn't matter, we can all relax because Trump tested negative. Twice in fact.

Oh, didn't I mention? He's taken the test twice. Yes, twice. And that second time he didn't even need it, he was just curios to see how it worked. No, for real.

"Look, I know you're upset that I ate our entire supply of emergency
rations, but what would you have me do? Not find out if they were delicious? "

-Some well-fed castaway