Shouldn't that be Obliviate culture?

Wow, I'm glad we don't have to choose one of these two to root for. Like obviously it's noted TERF and walking example of the struggle to separate the art from the artist J.K. Rowling, but I mean, she's arguing with a guy who's trying his best to start World War III.

"I kill your friends and family to remind you of my love.
Da-da-da, dat-da, dat, da-da-da, da-ya-da..."

-Russian President Vladimir Putin

I mean, if it's going so badly that your troops
are running over their own commanders with
tanks, yeah, I think calamitous is the word.

Huh? What am I even talking about? Yeah, sorry, I guess I rely too much on this dumb in medias res opening to my posts where I start talking, pretend that you interrupt me with a "Huh?" and then go back and explain what I'm talking about. I can't promise that I'll knock it off, but I'll say that I'll promise to knock it off. Anyway, I'm talking about Vladimir Putin comparing the backlash against him for his unprovoked and thus far calamitous (for both sides) war against Ukraine to the backlash against J.K. Rowling for her unprovoked and shitty opinions about trans people.

After a meandering rant against U.S. culture for largely ignoring the Soviet role in defeating Nazi Germany (which is kind of fair, we do love to pretend that we single-handedly won the war), Putin went on to complain that:

Pictured: Sergey Rachmaninov,
the real victim here.

"They canceled Joanne Rowling...just because she didn't satisfy the demands of gender rights. They're trying to cancel our country. I'm talking about the progressive discrimination of everything to do with Russia...They're now engaging in the cancel culture, even removing Tchaikovsky, Shostakovich and Rachmaninov from posters. 

-Vlademir Putin, on the tragic removal of dead

Russian composers from posters...or something

Russian President Vladimir Putin hard
at work on his debut children's book:
"Give me Everything I Want or I Shall
Bomb Your Cities to Rubble."

So couple of things. I guess I'm not a hundred percent sure what cancel culture is. If someone, say an author, does or says something shitty, like, I don't know, publicly attacking trans women, and it changes how we perceive them so much so that maybe we no longer want to engage with their works, is that cancel culture? Because it sounds to me like what just happens when a famous person does or says something shitty, and it changes how we feel about them. Secondly, we're not boycotting Putin's children book so much as we're recoiling in horror at how he made murderers of the Russian military.

He went on to explain how a decline in appreciation for Russian culture in the wake of his brutal, and ridiculous war is basically the same thing as Nazi book burning:

Is it though? Impossible to imagine?
Because I'm pretty sure he banned Twitter
because of all the bombed out buildings.

"It's now the latest program to cancel world literature was conducted by the Nazi's 90 years ago. We remember the footage of them burning books. It's impossible to imagine such a thing in our country. We're ensured against this thanks to our culture. And it's inseparable to us from our motherland, and from Russia where there is no place for ethnic intolerance."

-Putin, with a bone-chilling

absence of irony

Specifically the kind of boat that
is lifted, along with other boats, by
the same rising tide, Joanne....

Which...I mean, seriously? Uncomfortably, I'm actually going to have to agree with J.K. "But Sadly Not Just Kidding" Rowling, when she responded to Putin's suggestion that they're in the same boat:

"Critiques of Western cancel culture are possibly not best made by those currently slaughtering civilians for the crime of resistance, or who jail and poison their critics."

-J.K. Rowling, being somewhat

less wrong than usual

Obviously critiques of Western cancel culture are also not great coming from someone who attacks an already at-risk community, but I suppose she's never bombed non-combatants either so in this one, incredibly specific instance in which it's a choice between a trans exclusionary radical feminist and an ex-KGB autocrat who is, as I type this, insisting that he's got a right to drop nuclear bombs on anyone he choose on the bases of any threat regardless of how minor or imagined, I'm going to say Rowling. And then go shower.

Russia under Putin is basically the assault-rifle-weilding
"Stand Your Ground" gun-nut of the international stage.

Of ICE and Spacemen

Yeah, we're talking about Star Trek and Ted Cruz again, but in my defense, there's like, twelve Star Trek shows running right now and Ted Cruz can't go fifteen minutes without disgracing himself (usually in an airport) so here we are. 

Pictured: Senator Cruz's most recent airport-based embarrassment wherein
his abusive treatment of the staff prompted them to call the cops on him.

Above: subtle social commentary.

So a common criticism of Star Trek over the decades has been that it can be a little preachy or heavy handed. And maybe that's fair. Painting Frank Gorshin half-black and half-white on the original series was inarguably dumb, but then so's racism and that's kind of the point, right? In the 1960's couching progressive messages about how war and racism are, you know, bad things was mostly about getting things past the network and not scaring off advertisers. But things are different now.

The sad fact is yes, babies are super-racist.
I'm surprised Ted Cruz was unaware.

I'm kidding. In many ways things are much worse because we should know better. Just last week Ted Cruz lost his shit on twitter because Stacey Abrams had a cameo as the President of future Earth on Star Trek: Discovery. Then, this week, he asked an eminently qualified Supreme Court Justice nominee if she thinks babies are racist. I'm beginning to think that maybe Ted Cruz just can't handle the idea of a Black women in a position of authority, fictional or not. Hey, remember that time he voted to appoint sexual assault enthusiast--sorry, alleged sexual assault enthusiast--Brett Kavanaugh to the court?

Above: Also subtle social commentary.
Perhaps a bit too subtle...

Anyway, I was talking about Star Trek and how it uses science fiction tropes to tell stories and question the real world in which we live. Like, the Klingons were stand-ins for the Soviet Union, the Ferengi represented capitalism run amok, and one time Dr. Crusher had sex with a candle ghost. Well, the new season of Star Trek: Picard has the crew transported back in time to the present day (well, 2024, but close enough), where one of the characters, Captain Rios, is immediately scooped up in an ICE raid on suspicion of being not white, and quickly put on a bus for the border.

I mean, if the body armor fits...

Yup, ICE are the bad guys. Not a draconian, ICE-like species of aliens, but the actual Immigrations and Customs Enforcement agency. While at first this might seem a little--say it with me--heavy handed, and they are portrayed as a bunch of violent thugs abusing their authority and violating civil rights, I have to ask, where's the lie? This is a governmental agency whose mandate amounts to "round up brown people" we're talking about. 

So can something be dismissed as preachy and heavy-handed if it's accurate? I don't know. What I do know is that if one finds oneself allegorically cast as the villain on an episode of Star Trek without the writers even a bothering make up some sci-fi nonsense, then one should probably reevaluate some life choices.

Looking at you, Senate Republicans...

No one cares what you think, Ron.

Ron DeSantis knows he’s not the governor of college sports, right? I ask because he yesterday he declared Florida native Emma Weyant the winner of the NCAA Division I title in women’s swimming. Which is interesting because she actually placed second. And I may not be a sports person, but I'm fairly certain that second place isn't first place.

Wait--uh...yeah. Yeah, the math checks out.

Pictured: the sack in question.

The winner, Lia Thomas, is trans and Ron DeSantis has opinions about whether or not trans women should be allowed to play women’s sports. But the good news for everybody is that Ron DeSantis isn’t in charge and a sack full of his opinions is worth the sack. It does track however given the GOP's policy with regards to results they don't like: question their validity and then storm something. Anyway, while the Governor's proclamation carries about as much weight as his opinion sack, it's still a shitty move on the part of a shitty human being.

"Hear ye, hear ye, whereas Ron DeSantis
is a small, petty, insecure man lacking basic
 human empathy, I do hereby declare that
 he can shut his transphobic word-hole."

-Me, making an equally

valid proclamation

After a series of transphobic "WHEREAS" statements describing Lia Thomas as a male identifying as a woman and about how the NCAA is eroding women's sports, the proclamation goes on to say:

"NOW THEREFORE, since she is a native Floridian from Sarasota, I, Ron Desantis, Governor of the State of Florida do hereby declare in Florida that Emma Weyant is the rightful winner of the 2022 NCAA Division 1 Women's 500-yard freestyle, congratulate her on yet another significant achievement, and express pride that she is a Florida resident."

-Ron DeSan--oh please, no one 

is proud of being from Florida

But of course this isn’t about college women’s sports. In fact, I’m pretty sure if Lia Thomas didn’t win the Division I title, which she did, Ron DeSantis wouldn’t give a shit. Instead this is all a part of a larger culture war being waged by the American right who, in a struggle to stay relevant in a world that’s moving past their hate-filled, grievance-fueled outlook, are working hard to convince their base that trans people constitute some kind of threat to their made up vision of the 1950’s that never was.

"What I'm saying is that your mediocrity isn't your fault. It's because of
trans people. So remember, vote DeSantis. I promise to re-enforce your
worldview, no matter how many at-risk communities I have to vilify."

-Ron DeSantis, the "Don't Say Gay" guy 

Today in amateur geopolitical observations:

Look, I know everyone is dispensing geopolitical advice from the comfort of their couch right now, but this thing with Chinese humanitarian aide to Ukraine is weird right?

"Dear President Xi Jinping, you don't know me, but I have an internet connection
and some opinions about how you should conduct China's foreign policy..."

-Basically everyone on 

the internet right now

What I'm saying is that the ultra-rich
are why we're all broke now. So let's get'em?

I mean, I don't want to tell the People's Republic how to walk a diplomatic tightrope between Russia--the nuclear superpower with whom they share a border, and the rest of the world who buys container ships full of stuff from them, but seriously? $2.4 million? That's what the Chinese Red Cross is sending to Ukraine and that's super. Like, everything helps, right? And $2.4 million dollar is a lot of money. I think. It's actually hard to tell when Elon Musk has $233 billion--with a "b"--while the rest of us are doing Kickstarters to pay for kidneys and medication. 

Huh...an insecure autocrat holding a 

rally for himself to create the illusion of

widespread support. Fancy that... 

But fine, good for them. China, I mean. They're between a rock and a hard place here. If they back the violent thug running Russia, the international community will condemn China along with him. If they back the international community and support Ukraine, it will be super-awkward when they eventually try and assert control over Taiwan. I suppose that someone in the government did the math and $2.4 million is the sweet spot between helping out while at the same time trying to appear neutral. Great. But Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher just raised thirty million dollars for Ukraine. 

Yeah, the largest country on earth by population was outdone by a fifth of the cast of That 70's Show. That's weird, right? I know we live in a version of reality in which there have been ten Fast and the Furious movies and we let a reality TV host who lost the popular vote be the President for four entire years, but still, this is weird and I sincerely hope the wellbeing of the people of Ukraine isn't entirely dependent on turn of the century sitcoms.

I guess the ball's in your court Malcom in the Middle...

Ted Cruz: Master of Indignant Befuddlement!

Pictured: Not me, but his checking his
watch does convey my impatience.
Also, I don't own a suit. Or a watch.   

Usually when non-actor celebrities show up on television, they're, you know, terrible. I mean, acting is kind of hard, and it's an insult to actors to assume that just anyone can do it, but do you know who didn't suck in their guest role on--wait, hang on, do you watch Star Trek: Discovery? Because if you don't, then you probably won't care about this, but if you do, I don't want to spoil it. So like, get caught up. Go on, I'll wait. Well? Are you back yet? No? Ok, but remember, I've got things to do too. Still waiting...still waiting...ah! You're back. Super. 

Well? Not bad, right? Ok, but for real, last chance to not have me spoil the special guest star on the Discovery season four finalé...ok, so the President of 32nd century Earth shows up at the end and she's played by Stacey Abrams, can you believe it? 

Above: Captain Burnham and President Stacey Abrams looking
wistfully at the Earth--which she is President of. Like, the whole thing.

"Ow! My delicate privileged worldview!"

-Senator Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz couldn't believe it, taking to Twitter to express his indignant befuddlement: 

"what...the...HELL...is...this??

-Senator Ted Cruz, getting outraged over seeing  

a Black woman in power...on a TV show

And I mean, if we were to count the things that make Ted Cruz both indigent and befuddled, we'd be here until the 32nd century, so whatever. But a couple of things about that tweet. First, capitalize the "W" in "what." Also, two questions marks? Really? And another thing, Ted Cruz watches Star Trek: Discovery?

Wait...do they...do they think the
Ferengi are the heroes?

Star Trek has been, historically and with I think very few exceptions, politically left, and Discovery has been the most so. But all versions of Star Trek are set in a utopian, post-scarcity future where money doesn't exist, everyone's equal, and war, greed, and hatred have been eliminated. Which is the exact opposite of what the current Republican Party stands for, but for some reason Ted Cruz is suddenly all butt-hurt that Stacey Abrams is the President of a fictional society of space faring socialists? I don't want to gate keep here, but what's the appeal for right-wingers? 

"Well, the votes aren't all in yet, but unless the
Secretary of State objects...? No? Very well, I declare
declare myself the winner. Congratulations. To me."

-Governor Kemp, basically 

And look, while I don't think Abrams is going to win an Emmy for her appearance on the show, she did just fine and casting her as the President was brilliant. If you recall, she was robbed in the 2018 Gubernatorial race by now Governor Brian Kemp. Kemp, you might remember was, at the time, the Georgia Secretary of State meaning he was in fact overseeing the election he was running in. He refused to step down from his position despite the flagrant conflict of interests, and now he's the Governor of Georgia. 

Because I guess elections are only questionable when Democrats win. Anyway, Abrams got the role because she's someone who, instead of giving up after that infuriating nonsense, dedicated her career to voting rights advocacy, and her casting is a not-so-subtle suggestion that in the end, democracy wins. It just might take eleven hundred years...

Maybe they'll write him a part in Season five of Discovery. He can be the
Federation Ambassador from Texas IV who flees to Risa during a Borg invasion.

Put your money where your mouse is!

I think it's swell that Bob Chapek, the CEO of Disney, apologized for his, and his company's initial lack of response to Florida's "Don't Say Gay" bill. A bill which, despite Governor Ron DeSantis's technically correct insistence doesn't explicitly say the words "Don't Say Gay," is exactly that: a "Don't Say Gay" bill. It's designed to make ignorant people more comfortable at the expense of the LBGTQ+ community. Yes it is. Shut up Ron. 

Pictured: Ron DeSantis, seen here feigning outrage at a reporter
for calling his "Don't Say Gay" bill a "Don't Say Gay" bill. 

Is "The Voter-Suppression and Anti-LGBTQ+
Legislation State" too much for the sign?

Anyway, Bob Chapek. Again, super. In fact, his apol-memo--what? I can't make up words?--fine, like I was saying, his apology memo is a surprisingly good corporate apology. He takes personal responsibility for the failure of response, and commits himself and the company to making positive change. In this case, increasing support for groups fighting similar legislation in other states, and pausing all political donations in the state of Florida. 

I mean, come on, they're basically
swimming in political speech. 

Great. Cool. Couple of things. First, yes, Disney says they're going to throw their considerable weight behind advocating against anti-LGBTQ+ legislation. But what does that mean? Like, they have all the money in the world. Like, all of it. They have Star Wars money and Marvel money, and since money is apparently speech now--thanks Citizens United v. FEC--we should be seeing a total end to this Republican nonsense in what, a week or two? Because that's how long it should take if they're serious about this. 

And I kind of think they're not. Call me cynical, but they love making money, and conservatives see movies too. Which is weird, because most of Star Wars is about anti-fascist rebels toppling an evil dictatorship and the Republican Party is the opposite of that. But are they really going to risk alienating some of their audience? I mean, they should; the GOP is basically trying to bring down democracy forever--but will Disney call them out?

Above: General Armatage Hux giving a speech at the 2021 CPAC.

Hang on, Disney was doing Gay Days at
their parks while donating to Republicans?
I think this calls for more than a memo, Bob...

Next, he says they're pausing all donations pending a review of their current policies when it comes to giving money to politicians. Cool? But it says all donations, not donations to Republicans, who are the problem. Ok, fine, Democrats are also the problem, but only because they're bad at stopping Republicans from carrying out their homophobic, racist bullshit. Something they'd be way better at if companies like Disney just gave them, I don't know, a hundred million dollars? Is that a lot in terms of political donations? I think that's a lot. Like, half a Star Wars movie.

And again, Chapek has done a pretty good job owning up to his companies failings here, but why were they giving these people money in the first place? Because I think the answer is because it worked for them. They're a corporation, and I suspect that expediency often beats ethics when you want to expand your park or get a tax break or whatever. So cool apology Bob. We'll just wait here for the follow-through. 

"Why did we give to anti-LGBTQ+ politicians in the first place?
That's an excellent question, and one which I will definitely--uh...
hey, do you all want to see the new Obi-Wan trailer again?"

-Bob Chapek, Disney CEO on why the company--

shit, did he say there's a new Obi-Wan trailer?

Today in Alternate Alternate realities:

All your favorite TNG characters
are back! Except way older, oh, and
they swear a lot more. Like, a lot.

To be clear: it's not an alternate reality, it's a time-travel induced alternate timeline. Yeah, what am I even on about? Star Trek. Yes, again. Don't look at me like that. it's been months since you've had to listen to me drone on about warp drives this or phasers that, and frankly I think I'm due. Anyway, are you watching Picard? Because if you're not, maybe skip this post, because I'm going to get spoiler-y and besides, you're not going to know what I'm talking about. Or maybe you are a fan and don't care about spoilers? That's fine. I'm not here to tell you how to live. Still with me? Super.

So we're two episodes into season two now, and the characters have found themselves transported into a fascist dystopia--which, I mean, I think we all know how that feels.

Pictured: that time a man who lost the popular vote by millions
of votes was sworn in before a crowd of dozens.

Interests like going outdoors, standing on
hilltops, and waving your arms in the air. 

Get me, so topical! Anyway, in the fictional darkest timeline, the benevolent Federation is replaced by the Confederation. Picard discovers that he's a genocidal military lunatic who murders and enslaves aliens, Seven of Nine wakes up to find that she's the Confederation President, Elnor is getting beaten up by security goons led by Raffi, and Rios is flying around shooting Vulcans. Now, you're probably thinking to yourself, ok, Mirror Universe, right? Huh? You're not? Sorry, I forgot you have other interests. 

Although Captain Killy, the only good thing
to come out of Discovery's interminable
Mirror Universe arc, gets a pass.

The Mirror Universe was introduced on the original Star Trek series, and it's a parallel dimension where there's no Federation, but instead there's a Terran Empire and the humans go around conquering and enslaving the other aliens. The Mirror Universe returned on Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: Enterprise, and for like eight episodes of Discovery. Eight. Which, you know, when a show is only like thirteen episodes per season, that's a lot. But whatever, I guess some people just can't get enough of it, so why not bring it back for Picard?

Q did it so, it's different? I guess?

Except they didn't. Because the fascist, human-centric, anti-Federation reality of Star Trek: Picard isn't the Mirror Universe, it's some other fascist, human-centric, anti-Federation reality. The show actually stops to allow the characters to explain to--or really at--us, the audience, that rather that being in a parallel universe, they are instead in the regular universe (the Prime Universe, if you're nerdy), but that it's been altered by some change in the past. And, I guess my question is why? This isn't a complaint, mind you, just a question. 

So the lesson here is never give up fascism,
because the minute you do, the people you once
oppressed will take over. Cool message...

Now, if you're an obsessed fan like me, you'd probably point out that by the Picard era, that is, the late 24th, and early 25th century, the Mirror Universe's Terran Empire has long since fallen. On the original show, Kirk Prime talked Mirror Spock into taking over the Empire and spreading peace and tolerance. Which he did, and it worked, except then all the aliens they'd been conquering and enslaving took advantage of the humans' perceived weakness, and conquered them, making humans the scrappy underdogs. So I guess they figured the classic Mirror Universe just wasn't going to cut it?

But whatever, this is Star Trek, and it seems like they could hand wave that away fairly easily with some nonsense about an alternate, alternate reality or time travel or something. Again, this is not a criticism. I like the episode, and am interested to see where it goes. But still, did they really need two--nearly identical--fascist realities on Star Trek? 

I guess we'll never get to see a live-action version of Picard: 
hero of the human resistance. Which is a shame. I mean, look at those
arms! Do the kids still say jacked? Because Mirror Picard is jacked.

The (Florida) Kids are Alright

It's this policy, combined with a desire to avoid
paying writers, that gave us COPS. So...thanks?

So Florida Man, amiright? If you're unfamiliar, and how could you be? But if you are, it's this phenomenon where there appears to be a disproportionate number of news stories whose headlines begin with: "Florida Man..." and then go on to describe something foolish or embarrassing, and then we all roll our eyes and say "that's Florida for you." And that's not fair. According to the Miami New Times, public and police records are open to the public, so it's not that Floridians are dumber than anyone else, it's just that we hear about other states. 

But that said, Governor Rick DeSantis and the entire state GOP can, as a group, go fuck themselves. They really can. You probably heard about the freshly passed "don't say gay" bill which critics say targets LGBTQ+ kids and which Rick DeSantis insists doesn't actually say "don't say gay." And he's right. It does not say "don't say gay." 

Pictured: Rick DeSantis, taking a reporter to task for
having the temerity to ask questions. 

It's a short list of gender identities that
don't make Republicans uncomfortable.

But it does target the queer community. Of course it does. It specifically bans discussion of sexual orientation in kindergarten through fifth grade, which, fine, I mean, who's talking about sex in kindergarten through fifth grade? No one, right? Cool, so why do they need a bill about it? And why does it prohibit discussion of sexual orientation rather than sex in general? It also prohibits discussion of gender identity. But they're still going to use terms like girls and boys, right? So really their issue is with certain gender identities. You know, the ones that make Republicans uncomfortable?

"This is a safe space, we can talk about
anything. It's between you, me, and your
parents. Here, I'll put them on speaker."

-Some guidance counselor

It also requires schools to notify parents if students--wait, no, it prohibits school districts from adopting procedures that prohibit school personnel from notifying a parent about specified information or--sorry, it's complicated wording. Which I think is by design, but basically it says that school personnel can't withhold information from parents. So if a student comes to a teacher or guidance counselor and says they're struggling with say, their sexual orientation or gender identity, the school is supposed to notify the parents--or, as the bill provides, the school isn't supposed to not notify them.

Yeah, we've actually not been
outwitted by the state that invented
harassing alligators for fun.

Because the parents rights. Of course the school shouldn't withhold information about your kids, right? It almost sounds reasonable except when you bear in mind that parents sometimes do things like disown their queer children, or send them to gay conversion therapy and that maybe a teacher or a guidance counselor is their only support. But sure, fine, Rick DeSantis is right, the bill doesn't technically say the exact words "Don't say gay." It's very cleverly worded to give proponents rhetorical cover, but it does, in fact, prohibit discussion of queer and trans identity. So yeah...don't say gay.

Anyway, all this to say I stand by the term Florida Man in reference certain Florida men and women. Specifically the Governor and state Republicans who, in a world where LGBTQ+ youth are far more likely to attempt suicide, said "hey, let's do what we can to make that worse." So like I said, Florida Man can go fuck himself. Wait, sorry, he shouldn't not go fuck himself. Florida kids on the other hand, who staged massive walkouts across the state yesterday give us all hope for the sunshine state.

And to them we say: gay gay gay gay gay gay gay. Gay.

Today in a yum I have no problem yucking:

Imagine typing Japanese backwards with
your feet in the dark, and if you make a typo, 
you get tased. That's what these games are like.

Please, stop telling me how awesome Elden Ring is. It's just not--ok, no, not you, just, people in general need to stop telling me to play this game. I won't go so far as to judge this game by it's cover, but I will judge it by the other games in the Dark Souls/Bloodbourne genre, which the cool kids call Soulsbourne. I've tried both of the games that make this portmanteau, and they're just infuriating. It's not so much because of the obtuse design or the preposterously high difficulty level but because I find them clunky. Like, aggressively clunky. 

An elegant weapon, from 
a more civilized age.

There was a time when we all balked at the jump from NES controllers and their two buttons to the SNES and the four buttons on the surface, and two on the "shoulders." Like, how could we even live in a world of six buttons? But we did. And it was great. The SNES pad goes down as one of the best designed input devices ever and you can draw a direct lineage between it and current generation controllers. Playstation and Xbox controllers added triggers, and then analogue sticks, and it's fine. It's better than fine. Controllers are more comfortable and responsive than they ever have been.

Except on a phone. What kind of 
sociopath puts Mega Man II on iOS?

So how is it that when confronted by a Soulsborne, I am instantly transformed into a ham fisted buffoon, constantly fumbling my weapons, and drinking the wrong potion every goddamn time? Like, every goddamn time. Have I've just gotten old? I mean sure, I have. I absolutely have. But I can still beat Mega Man II. Huh? What's a flex? Oh, like a brag? Yeah, yeah, ok it kind of was, but something something, back in my day...Anyway my point is I'm not ready to accept that this is on me.

"My butler takes over when I go to the john. And  
he better not get me killed or it's goodbye insulin." 

-some idle rich

Like, there's no excuse for these games to be so deliberately counter-intuitive. I don't need to be good at a game to like it, but I don't need it to stress me out. Did you know that Elden Ring, like Dark Souls before it, doesn't have pause button? Who likes this design decision? Sure, maybe if you're a child and it's summer vacation or you're idle rich or something, maybe then you can set aside hours of uninterruptible game time, but what about the rest of us? What about basic human needs like going to the bathroom? Why do people like this? Is it a kink? Do they hate themselves? Both? It's both isn't it?

Except they do like it. Lots of people love these kind of games, and Elden Ring has preposterously good reviews. Like, the meteoritic score is ninety-seven. Ninety-seven. That makes it tied with Breath of the Wild, and GTAV. And I guess if they're that beloved, it must be that I'm the one with the problem, right?

No, not right. It's everyone else that's wrong. I need neither the stress nor the
 the series' trademark "You Died" message, burned into my television screen.