Today in challenging Nikki Haley's worldview...

Pictured: the woman most
of us voted for.

So just to be clear, I don't care about award shows. I think it's great that the film and music industries set aside a few nights each year to pat themselves on the back and hand out little trophies and all, but I just don't feel the need to watch. But I kind of wish I'd watched this year's Grammys because of this skit in which a bunch of celebrities auditioned to read the audio version of Fire and Fury. Cher was in it, Snoop Dogg and get this: Hillary Clinton.

Obviously the best part was when Donald Trump took to twitter to...to...huh, he hasn't gone on twitter yet? Wow...he must be pissed. Give'm a day.

Maybe his staff wrestled him to the ground and took his phone?

'I mean, why should artists be
allowed to challenge my worldview?'

-Haley, evidently 

unfamiliar with art

U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. Nikki Haley however wasted no time in embarrassing herself before the world tweeting indignantly:

"I have always loved the Grammys, but to have artists read the Fire and Fury book killed it. Don't ruin great music with trash. Some of us love music without the politics thrown in."

-Nikki Haley on how this

 ruined the Grammys for her.
Way to go, music industry...

Yeah, that seems about
right. Good call Elton.

Gauntlet thrown. I guess it's cool that Nikki Haley loves music all, but I feel like music probably doesn't love her. I mean, music is political. Rap, punk, rock maybe even country-I wouldn't know-are all full of politics. I think Nikki Haley's problem is that she doesn't like when music disagrees with her politics which is going to be always. Nobody's rocking out to songs about how awesome it is build a border wall or pull out of a climate agreement. Here, check out this article from the campaign. It's about all the artists who would like Trump to please stop using their music. Mike Mills from R.E.M. called him an 'orange clown,' Pavarotti's estate called Trump's worldview 'incompatible' with the late opera singer's and Elton John asked 'Why not ask Ted fucking Nugent?'

It's good to know that the worst of
the 1980's bro culture is alive
and well in Donald Trump Jr.

Of course, in characteristically dickish behavior, the President's son Donald Trump Jr. was more than willing to hop on twitter and start running his tweeter saying:

"Getting to read a #fakenews book except at the Grammys seems like a great consolation prize for losing the presidency."

-Donald Trump Jr.

son of President Trump

and noted dick

And even more preposterously this, I mean, this:

Not pictured: a sense of irony. Like, he means that.

"Say, I've got one."

-Hillary Clinton

You know it was hard to hear over the crowd's roaring approval while Clinton read from the book, but-and correct me if I'm wrong-no one, anywhere in the world saw that skit and realized 'how awesome it is to have @realDonaldTrump in office" Like no one. If anything, every time I see Clinton in the news I find myself hoping for the briefest of moments that these last fourteen months have been some kind of terrible nightmare in which shitty electoral math handed an objectively unqualified reality show goon the most import job in America, but then I remember that this waking horror show is in fact the reality into which we've been thrust. Oh, and again, I don't put much stock in industry awards but how many Grammy's does Donald Trump have? Is it zero? I'm pretty sure it's zero. Not that it matters.

Net responsibility quotient: 0.01%

 It seems vapid morning
 chatter knows no borders.

Ugh...I mean, ugghhh. Here, watch this gross excerpt from Piers Morgan's upcoming interview with Donald Trump on Good Morning Britain. After an awkward greeting in which the President attempts to simulate warmth, Morgan asks the President if he regrets re-tweeting those anti-Muslim videos back in-huh? Oh yeah, remember back in November when the President shared anti-Muslim propaganda from Britain-First, an ultra-right wing British hate group?

"Whaaaat? Maybe you guys
are the racists. Shut up! Racists."

-Sarah Sanders, spin-wizard

You don't? Yeah, there's so much of this kind of shit coming from the White House, it's hard to keep it all straight. Anyway, Sarah Huckabee Sanders in what I think must have been an Oscar-worthy performance tried to spin it:

"I think his goal is to promote strong borders and strong national security..."

-the actual White House 

Press Secretary, no, really,

without a hint of irony

Wait, is he suggesting that the President
has the capacity for hindsight?

It was a treat. So back to the Piers Morgan thing. In a remarkable turn of passive voice, he confronted Trump on the offense caused by the tweets:

"I do just want to get one thing out of the way: given the amount of offense it caused, do you regret now those retweets. and do wish, with hindsight, that you hadn't done it."

-Morgan, asking the President about

 those Tweets that just happened

In a bold move the President has
come out against terrorism.

The President's response was characteristically not related to the question. Like, in any way.

"Well, you know, look, It was done because I am a big believer in fighting radical Islamic terror. This was a depiction of radical Islamic terror."

-The President explaining 

that he re-tweeted racist 

videos because terrorism

A big, dumb golden retriever with a
bone. A bone of non-responsibility.
Look, it's not my best analogy.

Which, no it wasn't. Morgan interrupts to point out that the videos, which purport to show terrorists doing terroristy things, were quite likely faked, but goddamn like a dog with a big, unverified bone the President pressed on:

"...but I didn't do it, I went out and I didn't go out and-I did a retweet. It was a big story where you are, but it wasn't a big story where I am."

-Trump, on how responsible

he's not for his own actions

Ok, so his rational is he didn't make the super-racist, anti-muslim propaganda, he just retweeted it in his capacity as America's representative to the world? Super. But it doesn't matter because it wasn't a big deal in America, just in Britain. And I mean, how many people even live in Britain, like, twenty? 

Above: British people, or in their native language: Bri'ish pee-pohl. 

Ok, fine, he's not wrong...but still, what
does this have to do with racist tweets?

So Trump went on to say how much he loves Britain and especially Scotland, calling them "very special people" and Scotland "a very special place," so Morgan pressed him for an apology for the retweet and here's what he got:

"If you're telling me they're horrible, racist people, I would certainly apologize if you would like me to do that."

-The President, not fucking apologizing

Holy shit. I mean, holy shit, right? If, I would, if...That's just a masterpiece of responsibility-free, passive voice non-apologizing. Look, you'd think he'd at least do Britain the courtesy of offering a transparent lie. This fake apology thing is just insulting.

"...multiply by 'if' carry the conditional clause-my god, the net
responsibility quotient is zero! In all my years of parsing bullshit
apologies, I've never seen anything like this...it's...perfect."

-Noted bullshitologist,

Sherlock B. Noshittington

We have no one to blame but ourselves...

Hey, have you ever just wanted to immerse yourself in like a giant tub of rats like the ball-crawl at Chuck E. Cheese but with rats instead of balls? But you were afraid to because rats are sort of famous for being grimy four-legged disease vectors? And also people might think you're weird?

Just like this, but again, with thousands of rats.

Sure, the plague devastated Europe, but also
 inspired metal album covers. So it's not all bad.

Well, you can finally live your truth you rat-swimming freak, because it turns out that the popular conception of rats as a plague-carrying infestation to be eradicated might be unjustified. The rodents, and the fleas that live on them, have long been pointed to as responsibly for spreading the plague. Yes, the plague that wiped out tens of millions of people throughout Asia and Europe. But according to a new study led by Katherine R. Dean from the University of Norway, that might be a filthy lie. So who is to blame and how thoroughly should we enact our revenge?

"We may be filthy, ignorant slobs,
but we still have feelings..."

-Some Peasant

Get this: humans. Yes, according to Dean's new study, the infection patterns of the plague outbreaks between 1348 and 1813 more closely match that of human-spread pandemics. Well, flea-spread, we're still talking about a blood-borne disease so they at least aren't off the hook. But humans, particularly medieval Europeans, were filthy, ignorant slobs unaware of the concept of hygiene and who wallowed in their own filthy through much of the last two millennia, were lousy with lice and fleas, so it kind of makes sense.

"Steve, the rat, died April 4th, survived
by his wife, Ellen and 1,400 young."

You know, 'we have no one to blame but ourselves' should probably humanity's motto. Anyway, Dean's study, also goes a long way to explaining why records from plague-era Europe never seem to mention massive die-offs in the rat population. Of course at a time when paper was expensive and literacy was rarer than bathing, it's reasonable that rat-obituaries were not really high on the priority list of scribes but still, all the rats dropping dead at about the same time as a third of Europe would probably led someone-even medieval idiots- to connect the two.

Cool, right? Sure, if not super-applicable. Vindicating rats probably won't save us from the unkillable super-bugs we're breeding with the tiny bottles of hand sanitizers we walk around with like talismans against evil, but on the bright side it'll give the ape-scientists something to mull over as they piece together together the specifics of out self-destruction.

"Wai-wai-wait, lemme get this straight you had nuclear weapons, appalling wealth disparity,
and runaway climate change but it was Purel that finally got you? You fucking idiots..."

-Dr. Zira, rubbing it in

Un-Duckwothy!

Ha! Cadet Bonespurs. So did you see this? Senator Tammy Duckworth from Illinois called the President Cadet Bonespurs as part of her response to the President's bullshit tweets about how Democrats hate the military because they won't give a popular-vote-losing gameshow host funding for his stupid border wall.

Hey, the President made a promise to racist
idiots and by God, he means to keep it. 

"Mrrchumm..chumm..."

-The President

Sorry, I'm being reductive. Because they won't give in to him and his border wall and his racist immigration policies. Anyway, she was responding specifically to his tweeting that:

"Democrats are holding our Military hostage over their desire to have unchecked illegal immigration. Can't let that happen!"

-Noted stable genius and America's

healthiest adonis, Donald Trump

"Yup, that's us: illegal immigration,
high taxes and we hate the troops.
You sure got our number Donald..."

-Democrats

So first of all, you don't need to capitalize 'military' there. Secondly, really? Democrats want unchecked illegal immigration? Just open the borders, hell, why even have customs? Yeah, that's what the Democrats have wanted all along. What a shitheel. Anyway Duckworth, herself a veteran who lost both legs in Iraq was calling the President out for his insistence on behaving like a obnoxious middle-schooler instead of working towards a compromise with Democrats and ending the shutdown and after referring to him as a five-time draft dodger she went on to say:

..."and I have a message for Cadet Bone Spurs: If you cared about our military, you'd stop baiting Kim Jong Un into a war that could put 85,000 American troops, and millions of inno1cent civilians in danger."

-Senator Duckworth on how the

President can go fuck himself

"I'm sorry Mr. President, what was that about how we're holding the
military hostage? I couldn't hear you over the sound of my heroism and sacrifice."

-Senator Duckworth

"C'mon, let's get oot of here!"

-a lot of us

The draft dodging and 'Bone Spurs' thing refers to Trump's four college deferments that got him out of most of the Vietnam war and then his final deferment for bone spurs. I'm sure bone spurs are very painful...or at least they cause inconvenient swelling which I'm sure is very distracting in the middle of a war. And granted, the Vietnam War was a fucked up time and admittedly a lot of us would have been on the first boat to Canada-that's how you get to Canada, right? But then a lot of us aren't throwing a tantrum over not getting what we want and shutting down the government. 

Also, Mitch McConnell from Trump's own party was the the one to object to Claire McCaskill's motion to ensure military pay and death benefits going into this whole thing, so really Republicans need to shut up about being the party that's always looking out for the troops. 

"Really Mitch? Really? You're objecting to paying the...ok..."

-Senator McCaskill, just over it

Today in things that aren't Smash Bros:

Although I kind of feel like
fans are desperate enough to drop
sixty dollars on the logo at this point.

In the interest of not constantly writing about how surprised I'm not about what a goat rodeo the world is right now, I'd like to talk about this. Didn't click? That's ok, it might not help. So the other day Nintendo announced that they were going to release an announcement trailer for a new thing. Huh? No, it's not Mother 3, but earlier today we finally got-What? No, still no Virtual Console on Switch. Anyway, like I-what? No, it's not Gameboy Classic, it's not Mario RPG 2 and Metroid Prime 4 is still just a logo.

Oh, and before we go any further, I should probably mention that this is going to get nerdy, so like if you want to bail, now is the time. Like I was saying, we live in a world where announcing your upcoming announcement is a thing business do. In fact, we should probably be grateful there wasn't a trailer for the announcement of the announcement trailer.

"Today I'm pleased to announce the announcement of
an announcement trailer for our new announcement.
Is it a new Smash Bros? Who knows? It's not though."

-Reggie Fils-Aime, just 

trolling us at this point

This is sure to increase
your child's social standing.

Anyway, the new thing is a bunch of cardboard kits you put together and then slide your Switch into. Yeah, now do you want to click on the link? So you buy these flat-packs and follow onscreen instructions to build cardboard control devices to play mini-games. There's a piano, a fishing rod, a motorcycle and robot suit. Yes, a goddamn robot suit. They're all super-intricate and I'm sure won't be eye-gougingly frustrating to assemble. Next you pop in the Joy Con (that's what we're supposed to call the controllers). They have infrared sensors that detect the cardboard moving around and translate that into onscreen action.

"It's incredibly complicated!"

-Nintendo's early, perhaps

ill-advised advertising slogan

Ok, it actually sounds kind of clever, but also batshit insane. Clever because kids have to use problem solving skills and imagination to put them together-or just get their parents to do it for them. Batshit insane because it kind of reminds me of that time they convinced Americans to buy NES's by including that robot thing. Remember that? Of course you don't, I'm old. Anyway, R.O.B. was this ridiculous robot toy that came with the early NES console and could play games with you. Or rather it could if you didn't loose any of the parts and liked games that weren't fun.

"What the shit is that supposed to be?"

-Parents, this April

So back to this thing. It's called Labo by the way. It's a name I'm sure sounded cute to someone in marketing. You know like, lab, right? Like an inventor's laboratory? It is after all, edutaining. Except it also sounds a little bit like labor. As in labor intensive, which I think might be a grim preview of what parents are in for if this thing takes off. Of course, that presupposes that kids are able to persuade them into shelling out eighty bucks or whatever for cardboard. Sure it comes with a game, but still...cardboard.

Anyway, as a video game fan I'm a little bummed that the big announcement was cardboard and not, you know, a new video game, but I do appreciate that Nintendo is being weird again.

Hey, neat, a cardboard piano...you know what else
would be nice? Smash Bros. Just putting that out there...

Today in doth protesting too much:

"No, I'm not a racist. I am the least racist person you have ever interviewed."

-Donald Trump, noted

stable genius and non-racist

Well that settles that.

Pictured: Sean Spicer explaining to us
how the inauguration was the single
most-attended event of all time.

Yeah, that's the still President Donald Trump explaining to reporters how not racist he is despite dismissing vast swaths of the planet as 'shithole countries' just last week. Which, really? The least racist person they've ever interviewed? What is he basing that on? Are these reporters new? Like, maybe it's their first day? Or do you suppose he's doing that thing where he makes wild, baseless claims and then insults anyone who calls him out on it? Sorry, that was uncalled for. He has his press secretary do that.

The Senators suffer from a rare, neuro-
logical condition called 'compulsive
sycophantic prevarication or 'bullshit.'

Whatever, the important thing to remember here is that no matter what he says now, of course he said 'shithole countries' in reference to places he'd like immigrants not to come from. It's also important to remember that all of these places are home to primarily to non-white populations. And despite the retroactive memory loss of Senators Cotton and Perdue who were in the meeting and who went from 'don't recall' shortly afterwards to flat denial once they were on TV, nobody's buying it. Of course he called Haiti, El Salvador and the entirety of Africa 'shithole countries.' Of course he did.

Lindsey Graham, who was also in the room, wasn't having it either. He called them out saying: "My memory hasn't evolved. I know what was said and I know what I said." And what he apparently said was a stinging condemnation of the President's comments:

You might remember Lindsey Graham
as one of the many candidates GOP
voters could have chosen to run instead
of Trump, but, you know, didn't...

"America is an idea, not a race...I tried to make it very clear to the president that when you say 'I'm an American'...[i]t doesn't mean that [one] is black or white, rich or poor. It means that you buy into an ideal of self-representation, compassion, tolerance, the ability to practice one's religion without interference and the acceptance of those who are different...It's not where you come from that matters, it's what you're willing to do once you get here."

-Senator Graham, Republican from-
huh? No, really, I checked...

That uncomfortable thing you're feeling? That suspicion that you've crossed into some parallel reality where nothing makes sense? That's the feeling you get when you can't find fault with something Lindsey Graham says. Compassion? Tolerance? Acceptance of those who are different? That doesn't sound very Republican-ny to me. Well, whatever we might think of Lindsey Graham, he's never been anything but critical of Trump and his Trump-ness, which is more than can be said of most of the GOP.

"It appears to be some kind of  rudimentary human
heart-but in a Republican? That can't be right..."

Pictured: Some of the Nazis the
President defended last year.

But look, I'm not saying I know for a fact that Trump is a racist, I'm just agreeing that he sure sounds and acts like one. And I'm basing that on everything he's done and said publicly which I don't think is an unreasonable thing to do. The Muslim ban, his stupid border wall, that time he leapt to the defense of Nazis. Oh, and the Roy Cohen thing we talked about. And I don't know, 'Shithole Countries' seems pretty consistent to me. I mean, what possible precedent in his character would allow us to even entertain the possibility that he was misquoted?

Anyway, all I'm getting at is that something isn't right here. Ok, obviously this entire last year or so has been an unbelievable goat rodeo of a cluster fuck, but more specifically, the President shouldn't have to be explaining to us how racist he isn't. He or she should be someone whose position on the issue of white supremacy isn't something we need to wonder about. Also, and I don't think this is asking too much, it should be con.

Like, unequivocally, consistently con.
And, some condemnation would be nice.

Today in obsessive fandom...

I mean it this time, I have no intention
  of holding back on the nerdery.

Did they just...seriously? Can you believe that? I mean-huh? No, this one's actually not about stupid, ignorant things the President says, it's about Star Trek. Yup, I'm about to go on and on about Star Trek and in fact I'm going to get quite spoilery so if you're watching Discovery and aren't caught up yet, or if this topic is just straight-up too nerdy for you, maybe it's time to bail. Read a book, or spend time with loved ones. If you are caught up and nothing's too dork-tacular for you, buckle up that nerd belt, 'cause it's on. And by it I mean the nerdening.

Pictured: Star Trek eating itself.

Still there? Neat. Ok, so new episodes of Discovery are back. It's not a new season, they just broke season one into two parts. I guess they think it makes fifteen episodes feel like two seasons. They're wrong, but whatever, it was goddamn amazing. Well, mostly amazing. The episode fell into that old Star Trek habit of recycling old plot elements. It's a trap responsible for some of Trek's most that time Benedict Cumberbatch was Kahn somehow.

Next time on My So-Called Death...
'Cause he was on that show? Never mind...

On the other hand the plot element they recycled was the mirror universe and it was bananas. Good bananas, but like, bananas. For the uninitiated, the mirror universe is an alternate reality where the Federation is a fascist space empire and everyone has an evil, often be-goatee'd twin. Sure, it doesn't make a lot of sense when you think about it, but it's fun and lets the writers and cast get weird. Which is especially welcome in this, the grittiest of Stars Trek. What wasn't so great is that Dr. Culper, Wilson Cruz's character, got Game of Throne'd.

I guess we also learned that future
toothbrushes don't require that you spit,
but that's not really a character trait.

You know, Game of Throne'd? Like, suddenly and shockingly murdered to let us all know that this is an edgy, no-nonsense show where no one is safe. Fine, whatever, but did they really need to kill off the gay guy? And let me be upfront, I didn't find Cruz's character all that interesting. We never got to know much about him other than the fact that he's married to Anthony Rapp's character and that he's one of the ship's doctors. He was not only half of the show's only gay couple but also half of the gay characters in all of Star Trek. Well, the Prime Universe* anyway.

Look, I'm a big huge nerd, but Star Trek has, historically been a little quiet when it comes to LGBTQ representation. Outside of a couple of alternate universe versions of a few characters, and that one time Dax made out with another female Trill, Trek's been pretty straight. Except for The Outcast. Can we talk about The Outcast?

Explain? Don't mind if I do. You see, Dax's symbiote rekindled
 its relationship with its ex-host's widow's symbiote's new host
(because Trills), but that wasn't so much gay as it was complicated. 

Pictured: another hot and steamy
moment from Star Trek: TNG.

It's the TNG episode where Riker fall for an androgynous alien and it's the closest thing we ever got to an LGBTQ episode. And normally I'd give them points for presenting Riker as sort of bi, but the episode doesn't age well. Soren, Riker's new sex-pal, is a member of a species with no gender, but who identifies as female which on her planet is like super gay. Because of this, the authorities want to send her off to a pray away the gender identification camp, so it kind of feels like we're invited to root for the straight, heteronormative heroes as they flout the mores of a planet full of same-sex couples.

Adding insult to injury, Star Trek's only
gay planet has the galaxy's worst haircuts.

The message is murky at best. Maybe it's an ahead of its time parable about the challenges trans people face or maybe it's a behind the times episodes about gay conversion therapy. Regardless, it's kind of a mess and ends on a downer. Riker and Worf, apparently forgetting how the fucking transporter works, put together an on-foot and Prime Directive violating commando raid to free Soren. And then they get caught. Like super-easily. And Soren is hauled away to a reeducation camp, spouting off about how awesome it is to get cured. Boo. Just booooooo.

Anyway, all this to say hurray, Discovery has been pretty great so far, but ending one of sci-fi television's few committed healthy gay relationships by putting one partner into a multi-dimensional coma and killing the other off entirely for pure shock-value wasn't the best move given series' track record. But hey, this is Star Trek and scientifically dubious resurrections are easy as rokeg blood pie, so get on it.

Above: that scene in Star Trek Into Darkness where Dr. McCoy starts injecting
Khan's genetically enhanced blood into some dead tribbles he had laying
around only to discover the cure for death. No really, that happened. 

*the what? Don't worry about.

Oprah-tunity knocks!

Wow, did you see the Golden Globes last night? I know, right? Wait, that's a lie, I don't know, because I sort of hate award shows, but apparently it was amazing. Not the film and television industry patting itself on the back for three hours or whatever, but because of the emphasis on toppling the patriarchy. Well, as much patriarchy toppling as can be expected from an awards show.

Pictured: The soon to be toppled Patriarchy. 

"We're going to hold on the music,
Oprah just brought up Rosa Parks..."

Oh, and maybe Oprah Winfrey just started her campaign for President. No, really. Winfrey gave an incread-yeah, that sounded weird. Oprah, gave an incredible-it sounds weird to call her Winfrey, right? Anyway, Oprah, who had won the Cecil B. DeMille award for outstanding achievement in the field of entertainment, used her acceptance speech to tell a moving personal story about race, justice and the struggle for equality instead of, you know, 'thanks for the statue thing,' and today the internet was awash in Oprah 2020 speculation.

She managed in an eight minute award acceptance speech to say more about what's wrong with America and what needs to change than Donald Trump has said in a full year of mean-spirited tweets. Granted, most of his tweets are baseless accusations, self aggrandizement and thin-skinned whining, but still...

Oprah, somehow managing to sound Presidential without bragging
about how stable she is, or ranting about crooked Hillary. 

Above: Hogan Gidley, looking
pretty much like what you'd expect.

Of course, institutionally incapable of not helping the opposition, White House Deputy Press Secretary Hogan Gidley was asked what the administration thought of Oprah running:

"We welcome the challenge, whether it be Oprah Winfrey or anybody else..."

-Hogan Gidley, being fairly cocky

for a guy working for a President

with a 37% approval rating

She even made the cover of
O magazine. Can you believe it?

Yeah, but should you? Welcome the challenge I mean. People love Oprah. Love her. And Trump? Well, sure, some people love him, but then some people also love chewing tobacco so...here we are. But is any of this real? I mean it's one speech, right? Yes. But it was one speech that wasn't a baffling rage smoothy full of divisiveness, vitriol and bragging about ratings for The Apprentice, which is pretty goddamn refreshing. And Oprah herself is supposedly giving it some serious thought, but that's according to unnamed sources who I suppose could be anyone from Gail and Stedman to some intern at CNN. Who can say? But still, it's exciting isn't it? And it's not like 'President Oprah' is any weirder a concept than anything else we've experienced in the last couple years.

And yes, I know, it's kind of hypocritical for us to get excited about the possibility that a billionaire with a business empire, a TV show and no political experience running might run for President. But she's a billionaire with a business empire, TV show and no political experience who knows how to be a person, so advantage: Oprah.

Besides, it's not like anyone else in the DNC is raising their hands
yet. I mean, c'mon, Trump's the least popular president since James
Buchanan, and he let the Civil War happen. You can do this!