Everybody loves a parade! (Except Newt Gingrich)

Surprisingly, this isn't even a picture
of the Pride Parade, this is just a typical
Sunday in San Francisco.

Hey everyone, Newt Gingrich has an opinion about New York's shiny new marriage equality bill! Apparently we, as a nation, are '...drifting toward a terrible muddle' by giving gays and lesbians equal marriage rights. I don't know what a 'terrible muddle' is, but I can't think of anyone more qualified to pass judgement on other people's marriages than Newt Gingrich. After all, he's had three of them. He's like a tripple expert! He must also be an affair expert, because he's had a few of those too. One was even going on while he was leading an angry mob of morally outraged Republicans in an investigation of Bill Clinton's affair. Classy!

"I firmly believe that a marriage is between a man, a woman and
however many mistresses are allowed in the bible. Three? I think it's three."

-Newt Gingrich, Congressman and moral compass

Any-who, some friends and I went to San Francisco Pride yesterday and for once I remembered my camera, so sit back and feign interest as I walk you through the 21st century equivalent of vacation slides!

Where are these people when
I go to the movies?

So first was the parade. We got there pretty early and were fortunate enough to find a family of short people to stand behind. The parade was pretty much what you'd expect: floats, people marching, gay cops. We also saw a lot of 'I love New York' signs in celebration of the new bill. I guess they hadn't heard about the 'terrible muddle.'

Here's a lovely young family who, I'm sure, totally give a shit about what an elderly,
adulterous Republican thinks of their relationship.

This guy was actually on his way to the set of Mad Max 4 when he got swept up in the parade.

On a side note, I would like to talk to the good people at Sony about how my digital camera requires between 5-15 seconds between button-press and picture-take. Thanks camera, there's nothing quite like capturing the moment several seconds after something interesting happened.

Hey look, there's the side of Chaz Bono's head!

Chaz's right side wasn't the only celebrity:

There was Olympia Dukakis and an angry bodyguard.

Even Louis XIV's blurry corpse
was on hand!

Queen Elizabeth II. You'd think they'd
 give her a car or something...

After the parade, a crowd consisting of (and this is an estimate) eighteen billion people, gathered at the Civic Center for post-parade festivities including:

Not being able to find anyone
you came in with,

and waving your arms rhythmically to
music someone plays off a laptop.

Then there was this precarious scaffolding that drunk people climbed.
Because if there are two things that go together, it's booze and construction sites. 

So yeah, that was SF Pride 2011. It was quite a thing, thanks for checking out my pics. I'm sure it was just as exciting as being there, in my living room, while I make you look at pictures of people you never met doing things you weren't around for. Oh and in the interest of full disclosure, Newt Gingrich probably didn't give the quote I attributed to him above. That said, seriously? He's harping on other people's marriage? What a tool.

New York is still there, I checked.

So in thirty days, gay and lesbian couples in New York State will be able to get married. Really married. Not commitment ceremonired, not joined, married. Awesome. And last time I checked the news, New York hadn't been consumed by God's wrath. So if that was your reason for being against marriage equality, you can shut up now.

Pictured: The thing that didn't happen. So much for that argument.

"Yeah, don't hold your breath."

-Galileo Galilei, c. 1642

But like anything that passes through the legislative process, the bill isn't perfect. You know how sometimes children won't take their medicine unless you grind it up in apple sauce or ice cream? Well, in order to get the necessary (Republican) votes, there had to be some 'protections' for people who are uncomfortable with the gay (again, Republicans). So if a church doesn't want to marry same sex couples for fear that their god or gods may punish them, they don't have to. Fine, whatever. It took these people 300 years to admit that Galileo was on to something, I guess I can understand giving them time to adjust.


But it also applies to things like renting a venue. If the place you want to get married is in any way affiliated with a religious institution, they can refuse on the grounds that they might catch gay. It's like they don't want gaymoney (see below) getting mixed in with their regular money.

The Gay One Hundred Dollar Bill
celebrates James Buchanan, our 15th and, to date, Gayest President.

"Yes, I'd like to add an amendment that would drown
a basket of kittens every time two men get married. "

-Sen. W. Whittingtonsford (R, Whitehaven)*

What's kind of scary is that any successful challenge to the religious exemptions actually invalidates the entire law. Yeah, challenging discrimination could get yours and every other same-sex marriage in the state, annulled. It's known as the 'Shit Sandwich Amendment.' I'm not entirely clear on why we're so concerned with protecting any group's right to discriminate, but I am beginning to think that Republicans won't sign off on anything that doesn't include at least some misery.

Any-who, I don't mean to sound all negative. This, at least so far, appears to be one of those increasingly rare moments where the good guys won (knock on wood). So celebrate, go get gay married! Register everywhere, you've got years of unrequited wedding gift-giving to cash in on. Or, if you don't feel like it, or if you're not gay, don't. No one's going to make you. That's the whole point.

Like seriously, your straight married friends owe you...big time. Go nuts.

*May not actually be a real person. 

Van Lantern

Yup, was kinda rooting for the
soul-sucking monster.

Yeah, so I kind of hate Green Lantern. Like, not the comic book, or even the new movie necessarily, but the character in the movie. He's kind of a jerk. I'm admittedly not super-familiar with the comic version of Green Lantern, and I know this is just summer special effects schlock, but I really couldn't get behind the protagonist here. Usually in this kind of movie you want to be able to like the hero or at least be in support of whatever he/she is doing rather than wishing the evil space cloud thing would devour the damn Earth already.

Wow. Can't wait for Van Lantern 2:
The Rise of Taj.

In the film, Hal Jordan (Green Lantern when he's not Green Lanter-ing) has a square jaw, a hot girlfriend, and a loft apartment. Also he gets to break all the rules, but it's ok because he's got chiseled abs. Now, this is a movie based on a comic book, so you'd think they'd be interested in appealing, at least in part, to the comic book fan base. You know, the geeky types who are into sci-fi and fantasy and complaining on the internet.


Take Peter Parker (Spider-Man when he's not Spider-Maning) for example, he's the socially awkward kid that gets picked on in school and never catches a break. Relatable right? He's the everynerd. Ryan Reynolds' Hal Jordan is more like the guy who beats up guys like Peter Parker and gets away with it. He's the everydouche.

See? Wonder Woman understands her target audience.

'Ah-ha! You flinched!
Psscht. Loser.'

-Green Lantern

The least they could have done was give him a flaw, you know, like something to take him down a few pegs. Sherlock Holmes is a genius detective but he has a coke problem. Iron Man's a playboy kagillionaire, but he's also an alcoholic. Hal Jordan's flaw? Not everyone realizes just how awesome he is. Well, at least until whatever dick stunt he pulls ends up winning his company a multi-billion dollar contract. Oh yeah, the company? A fictional version McDonnell Douglas that makes next gen drone planes for the military, you know, to kill people. Whatta guy.


The moral kids: nice guys finish last and douche bags get the girl, the magic ring, and whatever else they want because they're awesome.

'Being an asshole is how I got where I am today. Well, that and lens flare.'

-Capt. James T. Kirk

It ain't just an island in Thailand

"Ahh! This is all the gays fault!"

The New York State Senate might be voting soon on Governor Cuomo's 'Let's join the 21st century and let gay people get married too' bill. The measure has already passed in the Assembly and is just waiting for the Republican-controlled Senate to decide whether or not to vote on it. Proponents say that passing the bill would strike a blow for civil rights not just in New York, but across the country. Also, that it would bring the law in line with the majority of Americans who believe same-sex couples are entitled to equal treatment under the law. Opponents say: God no like gay. Make God angry. God punish. So obviously both sides totally have a point.

'...fuck it.'

Sen. Roy McDonald (R)

Despite the bill's fate being largely in the hands of Republicans, there's a chance that this might actually (knock on wood) happen this time. In fact, check out what Republican State Senator Roy McDonald had to say to reporters about his support of the same sex marriage measure:

"You might not like that. You might be very cynical about that. Well, fuck it. I don't care what you think. I'm trying to do the right thing."

Kick ass. I wish more Republicans were like this guy.


Any-who, two lovely friends of mine are getting married in New York later this summer, bill or no bill, and it would be pretty rad if they could say that they're married instead of 'civil-unioned, which is similar to-but not quite-married.' Fingers crossed.

What? Phuket. It's a real place.

Visit Maldives: The Underwaterest Place on Earth!

Behold: The full force
of U.N. condemnation

Hey guess what equal rights fans, the United Nations (they're sort of like the Federation, but without starships, or you know, power of any kind) passed a resolution that cautiously expresses concern about discrimination against gay, lesbian and transgendered people. That's right, the full force of U.N. condemnation will rain down on gaycist nations...which is to say that the U.N. will probably think about frowning upon said discrimination. So suck on it Tennessee! Is it going to do much? Probably not, but even if it is mostly symbolic, I guess it's still a step in the right direction. Also, it's nice to know that the U.S. is actually a 'yea' vote on this one.



The list of countries that voted against include: Angola, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Cameroon, Djibouti, Gabon, Ghana, Jordan, Malaysia, Maldives, Mauritania, Nigeria, Pakistan, Qatar, Moldova, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Senegal and Uganda. So that sucks.

More like Saudi Gayrabia...

Finally, it's Aquaman's time to shine!

What I want to know is why they voted 'no'? They don't actually have to do anything other than agree that they're theoretically somewhat opposed to treating gay people like crap. I mean we've come to expect this kind of crap from places like Uganda and Pakistan, but Maldives? Are they actually taking a break from slipping beneath the waves to give gay people the middle finger? If anything they should be legalizing same-sex marriage to bring in some much needed tourism dollars so they can buy some new islands. Crisis: solved. Man, I should totally be President of Maldives.

Well this is disappointing:

This whole thing is a bummer,
so here's a picture of Grover.

Tracy Morgan's a gaycist (or Takeicist if you prefer). Did you see this? I totally missed it when it happened, but I read about Tina Fey's apology today. Apparently at a show in Nashville (what's up Tennessee?) he said he'd 'pull out a knife and stab' his son if he were gay. Yeah. Stab his child. Hilarious. I mean, I know he's supposedly batshit crazy, but what the crap? Sure, he apologized and everything, but it's pretty weak. Here's a chunk of what he said I stole from this article:

'As an equal opportunity
jokester, there's lots of
gay people I'd stab.'

"I want to apologize to my fans and the gay & lesbian community for my choice of words at my recent stand-up act in Nashville," he tells The Hollywood Reporter in a statement.

"I'm not a hateful person and don’t condone any kind of violence against others. While I am an equal opportunity jokester, and my friends know what is in my heart, even in a comedy club this clearly went too far and was not funny in any context," added Morgan.

'Sorry folks, guess it got
a little out of hand.'

-Charles Manson

Like really? Is word choice the problem here? Like if he said 'I would ax-murder my gay child' it would be fine? Also, it's not a question of going too far, it's a question of did he forget to take his medication. What sucks is that Tracey Morgan is funny, like really funny. Or at least he was. Now Tina Fey has to go out and apologize for him like he's her racist great uncle or something. Man, this is all I'm going to think about when I see him on 30 Rock. Lame. 




It's like when Kramer from Seinfeld did that thing, or when we all found out that Mel Gibson is the worst person ever. I don't know that there's any coming back from this. 

Mel Gibson wanted to call this movie
Mad Max: Jewpocalypse. Fortunately the studio intervened.

Pixel Clump Omega

Holy crap, there's a thing on Mars! A guy named David Martines was tooling around on Google Mars (holy crap, there's a Google Mars?) and spotted some kind of fuzzy thing on the surface. Here, check out this YouTube video. It comes with helpful commentary describing just what the hell we're looking at and why it's obviously not a naturally occurring object or say an anomalous clump of pixels.

Symmetry? Corners? My god, whoever they are they must be centuries ahead of us!

Guess what jackass,
that'll be there FOREVER.

Using my favorite kind of scientific reasoning (specious), Professor Martines (What? He might be, you don't know) determined it was a base constructed by either humans or aliens and named it Bio Station Alpha. Yeah, Bio Station Alpha. Why? Glad you asked: 'Bio' because it's clearly a habitat of some kind, 'Station' because it's not going anywhere and 'Alpha' because greek letters make anything cool. Well, almost anything (see left).

While I appreciate David Martines's and the YouTube's totally scientific conclusions, I did a little image analysis of my own using an algorithm I wrote in my spare time. What I found was truly startling: 

Syence!

Behold:
Our Imperial Overlords

That's right. As you can clearly see, what we're looking at is no Bio Station at all, but the wreckage of a crashed Klingon Battle Cruiser. And, by the looks of it there's a decent chance that the warp drive and disrupter banks are intact and just waiting to be reverse engineered by whomever has the spaceballs to go get it. To this end, I propose we launch an immediate salvage mission. We can call it "Operation: Dibbs" or "The War on Mars." After all, the last thing we need is for the Canadians to get their hands on a cloaking device or something.

Weirdly enough, this is the clearest
photo of Bigfoot ever taken.

Seriously though, wouldn't it be cool if this really turned out to be a thing? I mean, we've totally been burned before when it comes to mysterious objects spotted on Mars. First it was canals, then the face and most recently Bigfoot (no, really). Seeing things on the Martian surface is like Jesus sightings for science fans. Actually, crashed UFO or alien base is probably one of the saner things we've seen there.

UFO's? WTF FBI?

Hey look, more evidence that Area 51 is a top-secret airbase and not a secret installation for reverse engineering alien spacecraft! Thanks National Geographic, mystery: solved.

 Newly released photos show that the U.S. Air Force totally ripped off Professor X's jet.

From the people who brought us
breadlines and Yakov Smirnoff!

You know, when 'secret spy plane testing ground' is the cover story, the real secret thing they're hiding has got to be amazing. Why not just tell us? Even the rational explanations of Roswell are getting more absurd. First it was a weather balloon and then crash test dummies. Now it's a War of the Worlds-style Soviet hoax involving genetic engineering and Nazi-alien children. I think we've officially reached the point at which 'alien spaceship' is the most plausible option.

I refuse to believe that this is the
most advanced life form in the galaxy.

Is it really that absurd? Look at this article from the imaginatively named Space.com. It's about how of the six planets discovered around the star Gliese 581 just 20 light years away, two might be suitable for life. 20 light years is not all that far. It took the Starship Voyager seven seasons to cross 80,000 light years and they had a warp drive. So if there's billions of stars and two within 20 light years of each other have planets that support life then there's bound to be aliens. It's just science.

Here's a picture of Ernest Borgnine* explaining a little something called the Drake Equation.
Is there anything Ernest Borgnine can't do?

There. There's his face.
Mystery over.

A few weeks ago the FBI declassified documents it already declassified about people who heard from other people that say they saw aliens one time. They made the documents available on their website called The Vault, which is kind of an odd name choice for something that's supposed to be open and accessible to all. Wouldn't something like 'The Unlocked Screen Porch' be a more apt title? Well, anyway, the truth really is out there, according to someone who said they heard it from a guy possibly named Redacted (I think he's Dutch). Anyway, I was really excited. I mean, declassified documents? Awesome right? Nope. It's another tease. They're not gonna show us the aliens, ever. Aliens are to the FBI what Wilson's face was to Home Improvement.

But hey, it wouldn't be the first time the FBI let us down.

Cutting edge FBI technology.

So if you go to 'The Vault,' you can check out the FBI's cache of poorly photocopied documents someone has sharpied all over. On a side note, is the FBI still using a mimeograph or something? Isn't this the organization that keeps tabs on serial killers, terrorists and Flukeman? Maybe we could all chip in and get them a scanner? The KGB is laughing their ass off at us and they disbanded like 20 years ago.

Well that clears it up. Thanks FBI!

Anyway, weirdly enough there isn't like a big 'Secret UFO Files' button anywhere on the home page which is odd since I'm sure that 90% of the time someone is looking up the FBI's website it's because they want to know about UFOs. It's like the FBI doesn't really want to be connected with them. "Oh that? That's just the Rosewell wreckage, but if you look over here you can see a complaint letter J. Edgar Hoover sent to Sears Roebuck's ladies intimate apparel department." In the 'Frequently Asked Questions' there isn't even a single question about where the FBI keeps the alien bodies or who really shot Kennedy. C'mon FBI, let's get real here. You're famous for illegal wiretapping and aliens, work with me.

Yeah Uri, I can bend spoons too,
and I don't need telekinesis.

There is a section called 'Unexplained Phenomenom' wherein you'll find if not the smoking gun, then at least a reference to the gun having been wiped clean of fingerprints and tossed in the river. In addition to UFO-related materials they also include stuff on cattle mutilation and ESP, just in case you didn't already feel like a member of the tin-foil-hat club.



All I'm saying that if the galaxy is 14 billion years old and contains 400 billion stars, how come the FBI is sticking aliens in there with crazy-town stuff like spoon-bending and lizard people? And why all the wacky explanations? If they have proof of aliens they should just tell us, we can handle it. I think.

Well, we could probably handle it.
I mean, we'll be fine as long as they don't want to lay eggs inside of us.

*What? He totally looks like Ernest Borgnine.