A metaphorical truck full of lies and slander!

So Senator Lindsay Graham, whom you might remember as the red-faced, finger waggling defender of accused rapist/Trump Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh went on This Week with George Stephanopoulos to, to the surprise of no one, defend, red-facedly and with much finger waggling, Brett Kavanaugh:

"Even asking Brett Kavanaugh if Dr. Ford's accusations of sexual assault
are true is the greatest injustice ever perpetrated against anyone ever."

-Senator Lindsay Graham

(actual quote)*

Or is this a metaphorical truck driven
by Hillary Clinton and fully loaded
with slander and false accusations?

"I'm offended by the fact that anyone would hold it against Brett Kavanaugh that he was upset by the way he was treated. Words were put in his mouth that he didn't say, he's accused of being a game rapist, a bubbling, stumbling drunk, a degenerate person and he was hit by a truck and my problem is with the people who did this to him, not how he responded."

-Senator Lindsay Graham on how-

wait, who got hit with a truck?

In some ways, he's the Rosa Parks of
white, southern men. But in many more
ways, he's everything wrong with America.

Which, look, I think we all get that Lindsay Graham is a friend of Brett Kavanaugh and is offended both personally and as a single white man from South Carolina who is told he should shut up (which is probably good advice), that anyone would dare interfere with the nominee's coronation but then this process isn't really about what is and is not fair to Brett Kavanaugh or Lindsay Graham, right? I mean, it's supposed to be about making sure we don't put a violent, hot-tempered misogynistic goon on the Supreme Court. You know, again.

But whatever, the Republicans want to frame this as a bunch of powerful white men sticking up for the boozy, entitled behavior of their privileged Yale pal. And cool, lean into that guys.

"What? We're the big tent party. We welcome everyone: rich white men,
poor white men who think they might be rich someday so they vote against
their own interests. Oh, and accused rapists. We've got lots of those."

-The GOP, apparently just 

not giving a shit anymore

But what I want to know is what the shit is up with Lindsay Graham simultaneously supporting the Brett Kavanaugh can do no wrong narrative while insisting that Christine Blasey Ford is the victim of Democratic politics but is also a liar.

Yeah, but if the funnel fits...

Stephanapolous asked him if the fact that FBI investigators would not be speaking to witnesses whose stories contradict Kavanaugh's recollection of his drinking habits makes this investigation not so thorough:

"No, I think you're trying to portray him as a stumbling, bumbling, drunk gang-rapist who during high school and college was Bill Cosby..."

-Lindsay Graham, going

right for the Cosby

Wow, so the first take away here is that he sure loves the phrase 'stumbling, bumbling drunk gang-rapist.'

The second is that the plan here I guess is to go from zero to hostile. Graham on to explain that since Democrats want Dr. Ford's accusations to be taken seriously, he's going to call for an investigation of Diane Feinstein's staff because...uh...because.

"Or we could investigate the serious and credible 
accusations of assault made against a man
we're about to put appoint to the Court for life."

-Diane Feinstein

"What we will investigate is who in Diane Feinstein's office referred Dr. Ford to Ms. Katz's illegal, inappropriate in the Senate [sic, as in, I don't know what he's saying] so the FBI will do a supplemental background investigation and then I'm going to call for an investigation by-of what happened in this committee, who betrayed Dr. Ford's trust...We're going to do a wholesale, full-scale investigation of what I think was a despicable process to deter it from happening again."

-Graham, calling for the FBI to 

get to the bottom of this nonsense

"A liquid metal Terminator might have
assumed the form of Brett Kavanaugh."

-Graham, having it both ways

Yes, a wholesale and full-scale investigation of what now? What seriously makes my brain leak out through my ears here is how Lindsay Graham can take both the accuser and the accused's sides. Like, sure, he firmly believes that Kavanaugh is innocent and that Dr. Ford is just out to ruin him, because, you know, women, but he also tries appear as though he has Dr. Ford's interests in mind, going so far as to call her a victim of Democratic intrigue last week. But either Kavanaugh is guilty and Graham has to vote against him because holy shit, or he's not and he has to call Dr. Ford a liar.

But instead Graham's assertion is that what the American people really want to know is not whether or not the next Supreme Court Justice is a rapist, it's who betrayed the trust of his accuser. An accuser who he insists is totally making shit up because Kavanaugh is just a swell guy and Diane Feinstein and the Democrats should be ashamed of themselves for turning this into a circus.

Pictured: Noted sexual assault enthusiast Donald Trump and
the totally innocent victim of Democratic slander (who also
happens to believe in the President's absolute immunity
from prosecution) he's nominated to the Supreme Court.

*well, pretty much

Eleven Angry Men

So I didn't get to watch the Ford/Kavanaugh hearings today because, you know, work. But I did try and keep up with it online and holy shit, I mean, holy shit.

I guess they weren't comfortable with the visual of eleven dudes
trying to pick apart a sexual assault victim's story so the Republicans
hired a female prosecutor to do it for them. Because optics or whatever.

Pictured: a man talking over a woman.
Not pictured: the slightest bit of surprise.

As I'm sure you saw or have since read, it was everything wrong with everything. It was also both a sham and a circus, but we'll get to that. Highlights included Judiciary Committee chair Senator Chuck Grassley straight up talking over Senator Diane Feinstein and Orrin Hatch commenting describing Christine Blasey Ford as an 'attractive witness.' Hey, do you know what's completely irrelevant to Ford's testimony before the Senate?

When your worldview hits 30 years
old, the crystal goes off and the Sandmen
come to disintegrate you. Problem solved.

Yes, that, but that didn't stop him from weighing in on the subject when reporters asked whether or not he found her credible:

"I don't think she's uncredible, I think she's a good, attractive witness."

-Orrin Hatch: living example of why 

the Senate should institute some kind

of Logan's Run system of 'retirement' 

"You know Miss Ford, you'd be prettier
if you smiled more-what? What'd I say?"

-Senator Hatch, not

quite getting it

Ok...couple of things: uncredible's not a word. Also, she's not a witness because this isn't a trial and if this were a trial I think we'd be referring to Ford as the victim which, shouldn't we be? But let get down to Hatch's comment. Attractive? There's only two ways to read that: either as a cynical evaluation of Ford as some kind of political instrument or as a gross old man commenting on the physical attributes of a woman who's sharing details of her sexual assault in front of the entire country. Can't wait to see how they spin this one.

Anyway, after Ford delivered her painful testimony and relived her assault before an audience consisting of three hundred and twenty million horrified Americans and eleven hostile Republican Senators on the Judiciary Committee, Brett Kavanaugh's turn came. I guess someone advised him that 'petulant, paranoid conspiracy theorist' would be the way to go because goddamn.

"This confirmation process has become a national disgrace! I don't have to take
this. I'm going back to my hotel. Let me know when it's time to get sworn in."

-Brett Kavanaugh, Supreme Court 

Nominee and noted national disgrace

Which, yeah, it has become a national disgrace, just probably not in the way he thinks. 

"Excellent, my plan to ruin Brett
Kavanaugh's life is working perfectly!"

-the woman most of us voted for

Kavanaugh went on to blame the Clintons, Democrats and America in general:

"This whole two-week effort has been a calculated and orchestrated political hit fueled with apparent pent-up anger about President Trump and the 2016 election, feat that has been unfairly stoked about my judicial record, revenge on behalf of the linens, and millions of dollars in money from outside, left-wing opposition groups..."

-Brett Kavanaugh, the 

real victim here you guys

Cool, that's one way to look at it. Another way would be that Brett Kavanaugh has been accused of a serious crime by a credible person who has no reason to endure this painful and humiliating experience other than to prevent the man who attacked her from getting a lifetime appointment the Supreme Court. Sorry, allegedly.

It's like America's about to get a bad tattoo.

Lindsay Graham, possibly
about to have an aneurysm.

Not to be outdone in the realm of insane rants, here's Lindsay Graham:

"Boy, you all want power. God, I hope you never get it. I hope the American people can see through this sham. That you knew about and you held it. You had no intention of protecting Dr. Ford. None. She's as much of a victim as you."

-Lindsay Graham on...wait, did he just-

"Thank you Mister President, I look
forward to shielding you from prosecution."

-Kavanaugh, probably

Yeah....I'm not sure he meant it this way, but it kind of sounds like Graham is angry at Democrats for not making Ford's accusations known sooner. Which is weird because you'd think he'd be upset at Kavanaugh for assaulting Ford in the first place? Sorry, right, allegedly. At the very least his ire should probably be directed at his fellow Republicans for not properly vetting Kavanaugah. Did they look into his past or was the search over the minute they found someone who was willing to say that a President can't be prosecuted for-oh shit, that's exactly how this went down...

Anyway, in further 'no, clearly Lindsay Graham can't hear the words coming out of his mouth,' the Senator spoke to reporters during one of the breaks and made some hilariously un-ironic threats about how now the gloves are off:

Um...Merrick Garland.

Right in the glowy red weak point of nostalgia!

Wow, and just like that they've got my eleven bucks. What am I talking about? I'll tell you, but first I'm going to say don't judge me. I mean, obviously you're going to anyway, I just feel the need to say so because I'm going to give the people who make the next Transformers movie eleven dollars. Again. But wait, let me explain!

The worst part wasn't so much how terrible Michael Bay's
Transformers movies were, it's that I kept going to see them.

"Arghhh! What evolutionary process would
leave me with such an obvious vulnerability!"

-Contra III's level 1 Boss

So first, some background. Obviously, I'm a grown-up adult with all the usual things that entails: a job, bills, a blog where I admit to having given Michael Bay money, but like many people in my general age range, I have a fairly exploitable weak spot. A large, obvious, un-shielded glowing red orb which, if attacked with nostalgia-based weaponry causes me to explode in a spectacular eruption of whatever disposable income I may have. Sure, it's not a lot, but the people who keep cranking out the thus far execrable live-action movies don't seem to mind. They don't seem to mind at all.

Above: Starscream...I guess?

I went into the first one without much in the way of expectations and it was ok. Just ok. It was fun to see gigantic, computer rendered versions of the toys I played with as a child kick the shit out of each other for a couple hours, even if they didn't really look quite the way I remembered them. Like at all...It was 2007 and I suppose everyone was just really excited about seeing the Transformers in glorious CGI to worry about details like whether or not Starscream looked like the character we remember or a blurry robot gorilla, but whatever.

Then the sequel came out and began a trajectory of aggressively terrible filmmaking that would make us all wonder whether or not we were stupider for having sat through each successive entry in the series.

If you remember this moment from the second
Transformers movie, then you know what I mean.

Pictured: Optimus and Megatron fighting
is somehow less than meets the eye.
Seriously what am I even looking at?

Also, and I know it's a lot to ask that a Michael Bay movie based on a thirty-five year old toy commercial to make sense and I can live with that but the characters, the titular robots in disguise, were unrecognizable. Which is weird since the entire film series is predicated on stimulating the nostalgia glands of the fans and extracting money. Optimus Prime and Megatron and the rest were rendered as blurry, overly-complicated assemblages of moving parts that the human brain is simply incapable of parsing.

It's not like he needed the money,
so I'm thinking...cocaine?

All in all, these movies are terrible and yet thanks to idiots like me who paid actual money to see enough of them that they kept making more. That is until they became less profitable as was the case with the fifth in the series: Transformers: The Last Knight. Yes, the one with Sir Anthony Hopkins for reasons we may never understand. Anyway, it was bad enough to warrant a soft reboot which brings me to my initial point: I'm probably going to pay to see another Transformers movie.

But before you judge me-huh? Fine, before you judge me even more harshly than you already are, let me explain with this single image:

Hey look, it's identifiably Soundwave!
Now was that really so hard?

Director Travis Knight is probably best
known for Kubo and the Two Stings
and for not being Michael Bay.

The new film, a prequel/sort of reboot, directed by someone who is not Micheal Bay, is called Bumblebee and has won me over with a simple strategy based on exploiting my childhood memories of watching Transfomers. The new trailer reveals that the film's robots are based much more closely on the recognizable designs from the 80's animated series and the tone-at least as presented in the trailer-seems to be a bit more subdued and character oriented rather than the incoherent hyper-violent shitshows we've come to expect.

The title and trailer seem to suggest that the movie focuses on Bumblebee, while the other robots we see seem to be confined to some flashback scenes from the Cybertronian Wars and-huh? Why yes, I am single, why do you ask? Anyway, like I was saying, it seems like classic Transformers are mostly just cameo appearances there to draw thirty-somethings back to the theaters, but it's working on me. Will it be any good? Who knows? The point is they know just where to hit us. Right in the nostalgia.

I...here...just take my money. Goddamnit...

Imitation is the highest form of imitation!

Hey, remember a couple years ago when Nintendo announced a tiny version of the NES pre-loaded with a bunch of games? Everyone in the world wanted a NES Classic, so in a super savvy display of business acumen the company made like twenty of them.

"Eh...it's just a small box of pure nostalgia tailor made for a
generation obsessed with reliving their childhoods. Let's crank a
few out and then get back to Labo. Cardboard is going to be huge!"

-Nintendo, circa 2016

"Honestly, I hate you all. I mean, grow up."

-Nintendo's then President

Tatsumi Kimishima, to fans

Predictably, all of these things were quickly snapped up by scalpers and sold on Amazon for like five times their original price. Nintendo, sensing that they may have disappointed their loyal fans quickly apologized and announced that they'd be discontinuing the NES classic immediately...because business. But they eventually made it all better by announcing a mini Super NES and said there would be plenty to go around except there wasn't and it was also a shit show. You know, sometimes I kind of wonder if Nintendo doesn't hate their fans...Anyway, remember all that? Cool.

"What if we did exactly what Nintendo
did, but you know, with our thing?"

-Someone at Sony

In what can only be described as a stunningly daring and original business move, Sony has decided to do exactly the same thing. Like, the exact same thing (see left). And I don't mean they looked at Nintendo's tiny plug and play consoles and decided to imitate it-although that's precisely what their doing, right down to naming their tiny Playstation the Playstation Classic and including a bunch of games that are already available in digital format. Games that you've probably already have access to if you have a Playstation Network subscription.

Yup, I said it, all mobile
games are, by definition, shitty.

The tiny Playstation is already up for pre-order and five of the fifteen games have been revealed. All but one of which, Tekken 3, are on Playstation Network right now. Chances are though if you're a Playstation fan you already have a couple Tekken games. But Sony knows that we can be relied upon to shell out a hundred bucks for a tiny Playstation months in advance, without knowing the full roster of games. For all we know the other fifteen games are shovelware like that tiny Genesis had or ports of shitty mobile games, like phones have.

What? Did you think there's just a big
building somewhere where things are
produced in mass quantities?

But whatever, Nintendo didn't invent the concept of plug and play consoles, they just invented the concept of making them unnecessarily hard to find. Unsurprisingly, a couple days in the tiny Playstation pre-orders are already sold out at a few places and the cynic in me thinks this was a calculated move designed to create false scarcity. Sony even put the phrase 'limited quantities' in the product description which suggests to me that they are absolutely hoping to create the impression that these things are going to be scarce even if they're not.

"Twenty-three skidoo!"

-grown ass adults

When Nintendo pulled this they swore it was because they thought their mini console would appeal to casual gamers in their thirties and forties who hadn't picked up a game in years and who might want to relive their childhoods. Then they said that they were totally caught off guard by the millions of fans who, despite being grown-ass adults still play old games and routinely re-buy the same games every time Nintendo re-releases them. Huh? Yes...because we're chumps, that's why. Consistent chumps though. Man, they've really got our number...

But whatever, Playstation has a built in fan base which, like Nintendo's fans, is going to buy the shit out of this. So while 'limited quantities' may be technically accurate in the sense that, strictly speaking, a finite number of Playstation Classics exist in the universe, there's nothing preventing them from making a ton of them. I mean, other than the need to convince gamers that they'd be fool not to pre-order one of these right now before they run out.

"Better hurry! It's the only way to play classics like Final Fantasy VII! Huh?
Yes, other than Playstation 3. And 4...and Vita. And Switch. And the iPhone 
in your pocket right now...huh? Yes, it's on Android too..goddamnit..."

-Sony

Well this just blue shelled my day:

You know what I'm more than a little sick of hearing about? The President's sex life. I'm not like trying to sex shame anyone, but the amount of detail I'm prepared to hear about the former host of The Apprentice's junk is exactly none. Just none.

You know for the party that lays claim to being the wholesome
defenders of America's morality we sure do hear a lot about the
president's affairs, prostitutes and fondness for water sports.

I'm not saying I understand the publishing
world but, I mean, he's the President now so...

Oh, and brace yourself, this is going to get a little NSFW. Really NSFanyone and anywhere. In fact, maybe skip this one entirely. Still there? Huh. Anyway, you're probably wondering why I felt the need quantify how much information about the President's sex life I find acceptable. It's because it came out that Stormy Daniels, you know the woman the President paid not to talk about how they had sex, described the President's genitals in her upcoming book. Her upcoming book that probably should have come out two years ago...

This is bad enough, but the kick in the teeth, the blue shell if you will (and you might) is that she likened it...and here I'm referring to the First Penis, to Toad. You know, Toad, from the Super Mario games?

For those of you with lives, a blue shell is an item in the Mario Kart
games that someone who's loosing can use. It seeks out whomever's in
first, explodes and just ruins their day. So yeah, that's what your in for.

Here, you can read The Guardian article. They include all kinds of things you can't unread:

"I'm-a gonna be sick!"

-Super Mario

"He knows he has an unusual penis. It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool...I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart...It may have been the least impressive sex I'd ever had, but clearly, he didn't share that opinion."

-Stormy Daniels, ruining Yetis,
mushrooms Mario Bros. and sex
in general for everyone forever

For those unfamiliar, Toad, in Mario lore, is Princess Peach's loyal retainer. He's a plucky, upbeat character with a comic, warbley voice and childlike outlook and he deserves better than this. And look, I don't want to tell Stormy Daniels how to describe her experiences with the least likable person on the internet who also happens to somehow be the President, but could she have possibly reached for an analogy that didn't involve ruining my childhood? Like say, just a mushroom? We all know what a mushroom looks like...

Above: Toad, in happier times. You know, before he
became synonymous with an obnoxious elderly man's gear.

Today in lowering the bar:

It's a low bar is what I'm saying.

"...one of the great intellects and one of the finest people I have ever known."

-Noted judge of character,

Donald J. Trump

That's the President defending Brett Kavanaugh. It might sound hyperbolic, but bear in mind that a lot of the people he knows have recently been convicted of federal crimes.

But why the sudden and effusive praise of Brett Kavanaugh? Because a college professor named Christine Blasey Ford says Kavanagh sexually assaulted her while they were both in high school and sensing a white male in trouble, Donald 'Grab them by the Pussy' Trump is has leapt to his defense.

Above: Billy Bush and Donald Trump greeting Arianne Zucker seconds
after joking about sexually assaulting her. Wait, how did he get elected? 

Yeah, well, here we are.

I think the number of women that have publicly accused Trump of sexual assault is what? Fifteen? So I guess he thinks he's helping Kavanaugh out here. Like maybe if he and Kavanaugh are in a room together Kavanaugh looks less terrible by comparison? And look, I'm not like an expert of the history of our nation's highest court, but shouldn't the number of sexual assault charges levied against a Supreme Court nominee should be zero?

"No, I think I've made it very clear that I
don't give a single fuck about democracy."

-Mitch McConnell, actual quote

Anyway, Kavanaugh has denied the allegations and sixty-five women who knew him in high school forty years ago all signed a letter saying he didn't assault them so he's probably fine? Right? I don't know, it kind of just sounds like he didn't sexually assault these specific women. It doesn't mean he didn't make unwanted advances towards Ford, but Republicans are still pretty keen to get Kavanaugh seated before the midterms which is weird given that they blocked Obama's last Supreme Court pick Merrick Garland on the idea that voters should have a say before anyone is confirmed.

Yeah, I mean the whole
family is garbage people.

Oh, and if this entire shitshow wasn't shitshowy enough, the President's son has chimed in with a funny funny joke about how hilarious sexual assault is. See that? (Left). That's a picture he posted on Instagram of a fake love letter scrawled in a child-like hand as though a young Kavanaugh wrote it to Cindy asking her to be his girlfriend. Yeah, it says Cindy, apparently because when he instant-gramed this, Ford (whose name is Christine) was still anonymous. As to why he did this in the first place, I suppose it's because he's not a good person.

I think to him, the joke here is that Democrats are just overreacting. Overreacting to the idea that Republicans are so desperate to get someone in before the midterms that they might be seating an attempted rapist on the Supreme Court. Ha.

"Hey, at least we know sixty-five women I definitely didn't attack..."

-Probably soon-to-be Supreme Court Justice

for the next thirty years, Brett Kavanaugh

Um, you forgot something...

Drug fueled orgy? That's just reductive.
I mean, there're also snow cones.

So one of the ten principles of Burning Man is-huh? Yeah, the ten principles. I'm going to spare you the pretentious capitalization, but suffice it to say that Burning Man, despite its reputation as a lawless week of drug-fueled orgies and setting things on fire, has rules, or at least guidlines. Inclusion, self-expression, de-commodification. It reads like a utopian manifesto but with EDM. Anyway, one of these rules is 'leave no trace.' As in pick up your shit. The event happens in a dry lake bed managed by the Bureau of Land Management whose stated mission is 'to sustain the health, diversity and productivity of the public lands for the use and enjoyment of present and future generations.'

And that's cool. I mean, I'm not sure how that includes using drug sniffing dogs when writing a fix-it ticket, but for the most part they're doing a bang up job. Which is why I'm kind of on their side on this one. What one? We're going to get to that but first lookit this:

'Wub, wub, wub, wub, wub."

-This plane

It's art that asks the question, 'hey, what
if we brought a 747 to Burning Man?'

That's most of a 747 cargo jet and it's also an art piece. Sort of. For the last couple of years a non-profit organization called Big Imagination has been bringing parts of it to Burning Man. Last year it was just the upper half, but it was converted into a lounge and dance space with music and lights. You know, Burning Man stuff. But this year it's on wheels and was towed around the event, technically making it an art car; one of the mobile LED-lit floats that wend their away around the streets of Black Rock City. It was pretty great, everyone loved it and that's super cool, except they forgot one thing.

Yeah, the plane. They left the plane in the Black Rock Desert, which you're, you know, not supposed to do. Ever.

Pictured: a trace.

No, seriously, weeks of sifting through
the dust looking for garbage. That's why
people who wear feathers and glitter at
Burning Man are the worst people.

Which, rude, right? Well, yes. According to the Reno Gazette Journal, Big Imagination didn't move it in time and now their permit has expired and they'll need to get a new one. Also, the owners already moved it once, about twelve miles deeper into the desert, I guess hoping to avoid getting the event's organizers in trouble. Volunteers spend weeks after the event making sure the desert is free of matter out of place-MOOP. Which is what burners call it. It's weird, but it's a weird event. Anyway, this plane is now the biggest piece of MOOP ever. And the BLM is not thrilled.

Do these come in plane?

Big Imagination's CEO Ken Feldman says they're totally going to move it, this time somewhere closer to the event so that they don't have to haul it hundreds of miles to and from southern California every year. But Feldman's a little vague on when whereas the BLM is a little specific on right goddamn now. If you've ever tried to talk your way out of a parking ticket, you can imagine how well this is going to go.

Step one: bring a plane to Burning Man.
Step two: throw kick-ass parties on it.
Step three: ...eh, it'll work itself out.

Anyway, according to Big Imagination's website, they are a group who think outside of boxes and shift the shit out of paradigms. Sure, sometimes they might forget a 747 in the desert, but hey, dream big.

"Our projects don't fit into boxes. They rely on radical collaboration and community support. They provide opportunities for education and participation. They are experiences open to everyone. If we dream big, we can make the impossible possible." 

Look, I'm not trying to be a jerk. I mean, these are people who managed to purchase, transport and then assemble an air plane in the middle of the desert which is an incredible feat of logistics and planning. I guess I'm just...I mean, did they think no one would notice?

"Anyone can haul a partially reassembled cargo jet out of a desert. But we're dreamers. We
dream outside the box, radically with community collaboration gifting creativity to the global
consciousness. This isn't three-hundred tons of parking violation, it's an experience that-"

-Ken Feldman of Big Imagination,

slowly backing out of the room