It really can't get any worse...right?

As we skulk dejectedly into the new year, it's tradition that we look back at all those we've lost this past year. Well, not literally lost, I mean, someone presumably knows where they are. Buried or cremated probably. Or maybe in a ring. Did you know you could do that? Have your grandpa or whomever's ashes compressed into a fake gem and then set in a ring? Well now you do, and you can't un-know it.

Yeah, it's a dead person you can wear on your finger.

Pictured: who cares?

And I know I just mentioned that the technology exists to turn your dead loved ones into tacky jewelry, but when I say it's time to remember the people who've passed in the last year, I don't mean people you or I know. I mean famous people. People who are so much more exciting and accomplished than us that we follow their lives with an interest that borders on stalking but it's ok because they're famous.

Privacy is for nobodies. We give these people our adoration, so they owe us. What do you mean "that's creepy?" Hey, I'm not the one making corpse rings.

I'm kidding, these people are vultures and celebrity worship is just there
to take our minds off of how meaningless our own lives are in compassion.

What I'm saying is that they could
have been Daryl Dragon and Tennille.
Seems like a real missed opportunity. 

Anyway, on to this year's who's who of who's no longer: fashion lost Gloria Vanderbilt and Karl Lagerfeld. Rich people Lee Iacocca and Ross Perot are dead and before you ask, they left you nothing. Typical, right? Music lost Peter Tork from the Monkies, Andy Anderson from The Cure and Eddie Money from, himself I guess. Also gone are Keith Flint from Prodigy, rapper Nipsey Hussle and Daryl Dragon, the Captain of 70's musical duo The Captain and Tennille...wait, he had a name like Daryl Dragon, but he put on a yacht cap can called himself Captain? Am I...am I missing something here or is this just a seventies thing?

Speaking of cocaine, it was a rough year for TV stars from the 70's. RIP Rip torn and Rip Taylor. Carol Channing and Tim Conway are dead, as are Julia star Dianne Carroll and Mary Tyler Moore Show actors Valarie Harper and Georgina Engel. And to be clear, that cocaine crack was about the seventies in general and not me suggesting that anyone I just mentioned was into coke.

Ok, I'm also not not saying cocaine wasn't involved.

"Spaceships, aliens, Kirk not catching an STD?
No problem. A women writer? Impossible!"

-Sexism

Doris Day is gone and so are Peter Fonda, Robert Forester, Luke Perry and director John Singleton. Nerds everywhere lost Chewbacca actor Peter Mayhew as well as noted replicant Rutger Hauer. Star Trek fans lost Charlie X actor Robert Walker Junior, Deep Space Nine actors Aron Eisenberg and René Auberjonois who played Nog and Odo respectively and writer Dorothy Catherine Fontana who went by D.C. Fontana at the time because audiences who couldn't accept that a women could write a TV show and have a vagina at the same time were easily fooled by initials.

And finally, we all lost U.S. Congressperson Elijah Cummings, Pulitzer Prize wining novelist Toni Morrison and puppeteer Caroll Spinney who for fifty years played both Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch. Which, goddamn, 2020 had better be something.

Look, we lost Big Bird in 2019. I don't even care which one
of you it is, just work it out. We need a win here people.

Last one, and then I'll shut up about this.

So I've seen The Rise of Skywalker for a second time, and I've sat with it for-huh? Yes, I'm going to talk about freaking Star Wars again. This is a nerd blog on the internet, don't act all surprised when I can't shut up about Star Wars. Besides, I'm sure there's plenty of other things you could be doing. Have you ever considered enjoying the outdoors with friends?

I mean, look at these people. Outside in the sun,
waving their arms around. That could be you!

Pictured: grown-ass adults.

Yeah, I thought not. Where was I? Right, TROS. As I mentioned, I've seen it a second time but haven't softened on it like I thought I would. If anything, it's illogical, hole-filled plot, Monster Energy Drink pacing and total lack of stakes of any kind are even more grating on repeat viewing. And look, I'm a Star Wars fan. I'm not showing up on opening night waving a plastic light saber, I mean, I have my dignity, but I like it as a thing.

"We're terrible, I mean, just human
garbage, and yet here we are."

-Republicans

But still, this movie. Just...yikes. And sure, there are plenty of people who liked it, they're wrong, but they're out there. Ok, they're not wrong. It's subjective, I get that, I what I just can't understand is why. I mean it's...it's clearly a mess, a hodgepodge of story elements designed to appease toxic internet trolls. So what's the appeal? Is it that they just really, really wanted to enjoy it no matter what? Or is it like politics? Like how seemingly normal people have regular jobs and friends and yet still vote Republican?

Did I mention that Abrams ripped
off The Goonies? Because he did.
Rip off The Goonies that is.

And why am I still on about it? What do I want to yuck their yum for anyway? Like, if someone can find some small joy in a world of mass shootings and chicken sandwich shortages, who am I to chime in with nitpicks and nay sayings? With snide comments about Kelly Marie Tran's sidelining, or how Carrie Fisher's scenes felt contrived and disrespectful to the actor. And who am I to complain about how ridiculous all that nonsense with the wayfinder and the dagger and Sith hood ornament (no, really) was?

Some dork with a blog that's who. And if I don't point out how the whole movie is a big middle finger to Rian Johnson's much better The Last Jedi, who will? Huh? Literally the entire internet? Oh shit, am I part of the problem?

Well, yes, obviously I am. But not the whole problem, right?
Like, I didn't bring the Emperor back in goddamn Fortnite.

Salty in Singapore

That's the one.

Look, as I mentioned recently, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker is not my favorite Star Wars movie. It is however-huh? Yes I did. Like a couple days ago. Doesn't matter, the important thing is that while I thought it was a mess, it did feature a same-sex kiss between Commander D'Acy and-what now? Who's that? She's Leia's right hand military person. No, not Laura Dern, look, she's a minor character, sure, but a memorable one and now one half of the series' first and only visible queer couple.

I didn't mention this when I was ranting about the movie, but it was one of the things I liked in it even though it was like a brief background kiss and now that comes years too late. But it's there and a part of Star Wars canon. Except for fans in Singapore where the shot was cut. Because fuck Singapore.

I'm sorry, that was unfair and insensitive and I should walk that
 statement back a bit. Orka and Flix from the animated series,
Star Wars: Resistance are the first queer couple in Star Wars canon. 

Say to about this level of salty. 

Ok, also I should walk back the other thing too. Fuck the backwards homophobic laws of Singapore, and fuck Disney for caving to them. Sorry, I'm a bit salty about this. Actually, no, I'm not sorry I'm salty. Salt me up. I know Star Wars and movies in general are, in the end, just business, but Disney has all the money and all the power in the industry and standing on the right side of this would have made a statement and I'd be writing about how cool they are, but no. Instead we're talking about this nonsense in 20-goddamn-19.

To be clear, wiping out entire planets
is PG-13, but married queer couples
showing affection is R-rated. Cool. 

Apparently, the kiss was the difference between a PG13 and an M18 (basically their R) which I suppose is to be expected in a country where sex between men can result in two years in prison, and sex between women is-well, entirely legal. Yeah, while Commander D'Acy's marriage to Wrobie Tyce (what? Wookieepedia) is illegal under Singaporean law, them kissing is not. But LGBTQ "themes," whatever the hell that means, are against the country's censorship rules. Confused? Of course you are. Because this is bullshit.

Disney however is not confused, they made the conscious choice to acquiesce to Singapore's censors because doing so gets them the lower rating which makes the film more marketable to the target audience. It kind of makes the company's stated dedication to equality ring a little, you know, hollow.

Hey, you don't suppose Disney's
only in it for the money, do you?

Because exposition hobbit says so.

Pictured: Bail Organa, and before
you ask, no. I'm not better than that.

Well, since no one else is expressing their opinions about the new Star Wars movie on the internet, I guess I could. You know, if you really want me to. Oh, and I'm probably going to say some spoilery things. Not becuase I'm one of those sickos that gets off on spoiling movies for people, but becuase it's kind of hard to talk about the movie without talking about, you know, things that happen in it. Anyway, if you haven't seen it yet and want to go in unspoiled, now's the time to bail out.

Still there? Super. So the movie. The movie. This isn't like a movie review blog, but on my scale of awful to great, Rise of Skywalker was a solid "eh." As in, not great, but maybe better than the prequels. Admittedly I went in kind of expecting the worst. Internet news stories about how director J. J. Abrams wanted to course correct after The Last Jedi-which I loved-prepared me to dislike Rise of the Skywalker-which I did.

"Critics loved The Last Jedi, so I thought I'd go a different route."

-J. J. Abrams, evidently

"How is the Emperor still alive...uh,
-hey look, it's the exposition hobbit!"

-The movie

I'll spare you the nitpicks, because total global internet traffic right now is seventy percent TROS (acronym!) discussion, but mostly I'm just kind of disappointed that rather than continue the interesting and new direction TLJ took, TROS was just some nonsense about the Emperor's return from the dead. How he came back after getting thrown down a Death Star pit and then exploding is something the movie just glosses over with a Dominic Monaghan cameo they hope will distract us.

"Ok Billy, in this scene I need you to
chuckle avuncularly. Yes, again."

-J.J. Abrams, evidently

There were some good moments in the film, the cast is great although Kelly Marie Tran's Rose is sidelined in what feels like a cave to the racist basement dwellers who drove her to quit social media. Oh, and scenes about John Boyega's Force-powers were cut for time as were scenes explaining Billy Dee Williams' relationship to Janna. Both omissions were extra weird because we see Finn doing force things without explanation and when Lando tries to connect with Janna at the end it kinda looks like he's hitting on her.

If not for the prequels, how would we
know Darth Vader's feelings about
sand and its ability to get everywhere?

All this and the frantic pacing and weirdly edited scenes with Carrie Fisher make the whole thing feel rushed and half-finished and it's a bummer since this is indeed the last Star Wars for a while. Which-why is that? I mean, this isn't ancient Greek theatre, not everything has to be a trilogy. Why not do an Episode X and pay-off the storylines they left dangling? That said, they should absolutely not make an Episode X. Sure, the sequels and yes, even the prequels had their moments but were any of them actually necessary?

Each new entry seems to undercut the original films. The prequels turned Darth Vader into a whiney child-murderer. The sequels make the Empire's defeat short-lived and TROS straight-up undoes Vader's heroic sacrifice, so why-oh...right, the hundreds of millions of dollars.

"Are ye daft? If anything we should be making
one of these every year. Maybe two!"

-Scrooge Mc Duck, Disney CFO

Today in provocations of class warfare:

I don't know about the rest of you CEO's, but I've just about had it with my lazy staff using the bathroom on company time. Full disclosure: I'm not a CEO. Anyway, good news for companies looking for new ways to demean and humiliate their employees: a British start up called StandardToilet has come up with the StandardToilet.

Pictured: The suspiciously photogenic team
at StandardToilet, seen here innovating...uh, things. 

Thirteen degrees exactly. Any
more or less could be fatal. 

The name is both ironic and unimaginative, because the toilet is not at all standard, but rather has a 13 degree incline designed to-get this: make the toilet as uncomfortable as possible without permanently causing injury to your company's layabout worker drones. According to the product's developer, Manbir Gill, excessive toilet breaks cost the British economy up to four billion pounds per annum-and, wait, how does one even go about calculating that? You don't suppose they just made that figure up, do you? Just pulled it out of their annum, if you will (please don't).

Naw...I'm probably just being overly suspicious. I mean, why would the manufacturers of a toilet designed to combat excessive toilet breaks lie about the economic repercussions of excessive toilet breaks?

Because capitalism is predicated on a certain amount of deception?

Healthy colons means
happier more productive workers. 

Now if a toilet deliberately designed to be uncomfortable so people get the hell back to work seems insufficiently insulting to you, just wait, because there's more. Not only do they predict that the StandardToilet will lead to a 25% reduction in bathroom breaks (because math is whatever you want it to be), but that by encouraging people to spend less time on the can, their toilet will also prevent hemorrhoids, fight excessive straining (eww) and encourage better posture.

Look, I'm not a toilet scientist, but the average CEO makes two hundred and seventy one times the average worker's pay. Sure, CEO-ing probably involves skill and experience, but CEO's aren't that rare, are they? And are their talents two hundred seventy one times as rare as say yours or mine? I ask because it kind of seems like instead of humiliating and painful toilet technology, we could just pay more reasonable salaries. Not only would it save us billions, but it might also stave off the bloody revolution we are barreling towards.

"Barreling what? Sorry, it's difficult to hear over the sound of our
private jet's engines combined with the clinking champaign flutes."

-The incredibly wealthy

What I wouldn't give for a Visigoth right now.

We can all do math, and since we know that conviction requires a two-thirds majority in the Senate it's clear that we're not going to see Donald Trump hauled away in hand cuffs. And it's not that he isn't super-guilty of the things outlined in the articles of impeachment, it's because the GOP has a weird cult-y Stockholm syndrome thing going on with him. But still, you'd have thought the Republicans would have at least put up a pretense that ours was still a functioning democracy.

"Functioning Democracy? That's cute."

-Republicans

America: it was nice while it lasted.

Senator Lindsay Graham, whose goddamn job as chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee is to oversee the executive branch, told CNN on Saturday how over this whole impeachment thing he is and how he wants it to be over as quickly as possible. When pressed about if it's appropriate for him to be talking like this since he's basically a juror, he shrugged and said: "Well, I must think so because I'm doing it." Which, I mean, can he not hear himself? He went on drive what may have been the last nail into the coffin that is the Republic, saying:

"I am trying to give a pretty clear signal I have made up my mind. I'm not trying to pretend to be a fair juror here..."

-Linsday Graham, speaking from his new

office inside the President's actual ass

Not literally of course, but not not literally, you know?

But again, he really does spend
most of his time up Trump's ass.

Graham went on to-huh? Too far? These guys are blithely dismantling the system of checks and balances that separate us from the one-party rule of say China or Putin's Russia and my suggesting that members of the Republican party have figuratively set up shop inside Donald Trump's rectum is going to far? I think not. Anyway, Graham's comments came not long after Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that there would "be no difference between the President's position and how position..." and that:

Pictured: Basically Mitch McConnell

"[e]verything I do during this, I will be coordinating with White House counsel."

-Mitch McConnell, writing a 

Bryan Adams-style power ballad 

about his undying love for Trump

Which again, is the opposite of how checks and balances work.

So Rome had the Visigoths, The Empire had Endor and I think somewhere, deep down we all kind of knew that old, rich white guys looking out for one another would ultimately be the end of America, but I just never thought it would be about the former host of The Apprentice.

At least with a barbarian invasion we could have gone out with a little
dignity instead of this septuagenarian circle jerk, but here we are.* 

*What? When we're talking about our democracy crashing down around our ears. I'm not sure "septuagenarian circle jerk" is really all that out of line.

Today in incremental improvements:

Pictured: Your cuppa.

Because I'm sure you're just dying to know what someone on the internet thinks about the new Xbox that's coming out next year, let's talk about the new Xbox that's coming out next year. Huh? Yes, I'm going to talk about a video game thing. Yes again. What's you-oh, like suddenly you're too cool for this? Look, you wouldn't be here if discussions like these weren't your cuppa, so let's not pretend. Yeah, cuppa. Like cuppa tea. You've never heard that before?

Remember? When we all slammed
the Dew? Those were good days...

Anyway, last night at the Video Game Awards-which I guess is kind of like the Oscars for the video game industry except instead of awkward jokes and musical numbers, there's a bunch of commercials and announcements for new games. One of those announcements was for the next Xbox, the X-hyphen-tremely titled the Xbox Series X. Because "X" means future. Or it did back in 1992, which is the past. But since the future's been something of a disappointment, I'm all for pretending it's the 90's again. Sorry, wait, what were we talking about again?

And can we just-I know this isn't really all that important, but we talk about the design? For years new consoles have been trending towards featureless black slabs. I suppose it's a way to make grown ass adults feel less like they're buying a toy...which they totally are. But this thing bucks the trend by opting for a featureless black monolith.

Behold: the new Xbox! It's uh, it's there, really. It's the black
rectangle against the black background. See? Yeah, there it is.

"Hey, I'm right here..."

-Gamecube

On the one hand it's kind of innovative in a shoe-box standing on end kind of way, but on the other hand it seems aggressively impractical and forgettably bland. I know that, like people, it's what's inside that counts but this thing looks as though a team of industrial designers sat down and said: we want something that's virtually invisible, yet impossible to fit under the TV. I'm not saying it needs to have a handle or come in purple or anything, but could they seriously not come up with...

I mean, just look at all that
technology...stuff. 

...sorry nodded off there. That's how boring this thing is. Oh well, I don't know about you, but uninspiring design or no, I'm not rushing out to get one on day one. While a price hasn't been announced, new consoles are always expensive because they're full of, you know, technology, but internet speculation is that the thing will be eye-wateringly expensive. Say around five hundred dollars. Yes. Of money. So if you want one, you might need to think about a second job. Or third, because the economy, amiright?

Of course things like 8K output and ray tracing aren't cheap. Yeah, those are some of the new features and no, I don't know what they do either but I do know that 8K is like twice the K of 4K and that up until now, rays have gone largely un-traced so money well spent.

Here's a comparison. The image on the right has ray tracing, the
one on the left doesn't. I think. Either way, that'll be $500 please.

Garbage yes, but garbage that
heralded a new generation.

If your old like me, you remember how mind-blowing Sega Genesis looked after playing 8-bit Nintendo. At the time it seemed impossible that anything could ever top the sheer graphical powerhouse that was Altered Beast's five stages of walk to the right, punch, repeat. And while we haven't seen any of the new Xbox's games, it just doesn't seem likely that we're in for the same kind of leap we saw going from 8 to 16-bit or 2-D to 3-D. I mean, the human eye is only capable of distinguishing so much detail, and I think we're kind of there.

If it sounds like I'm trashing this thing an entire year before it even comes out, I'm not, it's just that-well, ok, I kind of am. I'm a video game fan and all, but it's just kind of hard to get excited about the move from Xbox to slightly improved, yet staggeringly more expensive Xbox.

"I'm moderately thrilled to announce the inevitable follow
up to the Xbox One. I think you'll find it...incremental."

-Phil Spencer, CEO of Xbox

A moogle besmirched!

So you know how I often say that not every thing needs to be another thing? No? Well, I do. I mean, I have said it. Doesn't matter. The point is not everything needs to be another thing.

Brace yourselves, I'm about to get all Andy Rooney on you here
and about video games no less. If you're going to bail, now is the time.

Although Arya did once feed this guy
a pie made out of his kids so...wait, was
everyone on that show a sociopath?

What I mean by that is that there's this weird phenomenon where it seems like everything has to be a part of a broader multi-media experience. No creative work is allowed to stand on its own. A novel can't just be a novel, it has to be book one of a trilogy or the chronicles of whatever and it also has to be a TV series, a graphic novel, a video game and, I don't know, a goddamned cookbook. Game of Thrones, Doctor Who, Star Wars, all have cookbooks based on them which is weird because none of those things are food.

In addition to surrendering any artistic integrity one of these things might have had to begin with, this also-huh? Ok, fine, I'll get to my point. This. Yeah, fine, don't bother clicking, I'll explain. There's going to be a Final Fantasy Musical in Tokyo.

Pictured: The stage adaptation of Golden Axe
and proof that the Tokyo theatrical community
will put anything, literally anything on stage.

Pictured: you, outdoors having
a picnic or something. 

The show, which opens in March will-ok, now what? Finally Fantasy? It's an RPG. Anyway, as I was-it means role playing game. It's...it's a video game. Well look at you with your rich social life and love of the outdoors. Anyway, so Final Fantasy is a long running Japanese RPG series known for its elaborate, usually non-sensical, anime-style story lines and kick-ass music. So in some way it kind of makes sense that someone in Japan-where stage plays based on video games are a thing-would make a musical out of Final Fantasy.

No. No one knows what an Exvius
or why this one is particularly brave.
Sometimes with these titles I think
they're just putting words together. 

What makes way less sense is that this musical is based on Final Fantasy Brave Exvius. A free-to-play mobile spin-off game which-I mean, you know how I feel about mobile games. You don't? Oh, well I'm a little prejudiced against mobile games in general, and straight up contemptuous of free-to-play mobile games because of the way they lure players in with addictive gameplay and then gently suggest that they pony up real cash for in-game currency which you then spend on things like power-ups and bonuses.

You don't technically need to buy these things, but c'mon it's just $9.99 or whatever. Then, $300 later, you look around and wonder where you went wrong in life. And, to add insult to injury, Brave Exvius even uses the series' adorable mascot, a moogle, to sell you the game's fake money.

Oh, moogles are these sort of magic cat-bears with bat wings who
dispense wisdom and yes, I realize how insane that sounds, but my
point is that they shouldn't be shilling in-game currency.

QVC: helping you fill the void in your
 life with meaningless possessions...

-QVC's actual slogan

Leaving aside the question of whether or not anyone should make a musical out of a video game, why, with three decades and dozens of games to draw on is someone making one out of Brave Exvius? Was that really the only option? I mean, Final Fantasy IX opens with a stage play, Final Fantasy X-2 is basically what if J-pop? the game, and Final Fantasy VI's most memorable scene is an opera. Why not base your musical on one of the good games in the series, or for that matter an actual game and not the video game equivalent of QVC?

So look, as you can imagine, fan thought I am, I will not be hopping the next flight to Japan to see this. Why then do I have such a strong opinion about it? Well, I don't. In fact, I don't know if my issue is with the musical being based on a mobile game or with it existing at all, but this is the internet and I feel duty bound to overreact to things for comedic purposes. But I do stand by my initial premise of not everything needs to be some other thing.

Especially when it comes at the expense of moogle integrity. 
Never before has the word "kupo" rung so hollow...