You own personal Jesus (simulator)

So there's a new game coming out on Steam called, and I kid you not, I Am Jesus Christ, and I have some questions about it. But before we get to that, go ahead and check out the trailer and then we'll discuss. Back? Great. And no, I don't for a minute think that you clicked on the trailer, but in the spirit of forgiveness, I'm going to let it go.

Finally, a game that lets you play as 1st century
Judea's most famous white guy, Jesus Christ.

Above: Jesus curing a woman's "blind"
status effect with Blindna, a level 2 spell.

(source: the Final Fantasy wiki)

Here's the game's description, which was either written by someone in a hurry or someone with only a passing familiarity with English, or both:

Become Jesus Christ, the famous man on Earth - in this highly realistic simulation game. Pray like Him for getting superpower perform famous miracles like Him from Bible like casting demons, healing and feeding people, resurrection and more in "I am Jesus Christ".

-The official Steam page, yes really

Fortunately Jesus had an extra
life. What? Too soon?

According to the trailer-which I know you didn't watch-you play, as the title suggests Jesus, in a first-person perspective. But instead of shooting anything that moves, you dual wield Jesus' (sigh) superpowers like curing the sick, summoning fish and calming storms. There's apparently some kind of energy meter on the right so like the biblical Jesus, I guess you have to keep an eye on your HP and MP. We even watch this meter slowly drain as the player is-spoiler alert-nailed to a cross. Yikes.

So I guess my first question would have to be, is this for real? And while there's no shortage of insane things on the internet, there is also no shortage of tired jokes about how religious people are dumb for believing in things. But, still, this appears to be on the up and up.

Pictured: the up and up.

After exploding, your victims' souls,
in the form of dove, ascend to
heaven so, there's that I guess.

My next question would be why would someone even make this? Games aimed at Christian audiences are traditionally low budget, low effort attempts to cash in on religious parents uncomfortable with all the baby murder and Satan worship in mainstream games. Usually they're just knock-offs of real games with a patina of religious elements. Take Sunday Funday for example. It's a cynical re-skin of a game called Menace Beach, but instead of punching ninjas on your way to rescue your girlfriend as in the original, you now murder random people on your way to Sunday school. No, again, really. But that's the kind of pandering nonsense that is the Christian games sub genre.

The answer is shitily. 

So when I make the assumption that I Am Jesus Christ is going to suck, it's not just me being judgy but it's also rooted in the example of previous religious games. But then there's the Superman problem. One of the reasons there's never been a decent Superman video game is that his power set makes making a game based on him problematic. He's invincible, he can fly, he's super-strong. Superman can do basically anything, so how do you build a game around that? 

Pictured: That time Jesus punched
the reporter. Mathew 11:28-30 NKJV. 

Jesus comes with a similar problem. I mean, with him, every mode is god mode. Is I Am Jesus Christ limited to a walking tour of the Bible or can the player deviate from the narrative? Video games by necessity are interactive, so where's the player choice in this game? And I'm no theologian, but wouldn't messing with the Bible be like, super-blasphemous? I mean, do you need to level grind to face Satan in the desert? Does Jesus even have a right trigger option?

Again, I realize that I'm making a lot of assumptions about a game that isn't even out yet and may, for all I know, be an elaborate joke. But if it's not, I think the most important question is who is this even for? It seems like a lot of work for a gag, and if it's honestly a Jesus simulator made for believers, isn't it just, you know, tasteless? I guess we'll just have to wait and find out. How long? Who can say?

The game, like its title character, is purportedly coming soon.