It was a Revenge of the Sith kind of year...

Wait, wait, come back. This isn't another longwinded, tired post about which Star Wars movie is the worst Star Wars movie, I'm just using it as analogy. 2021 was to Revenge of the Sith as 2020 was to Attack of the Clones, which isn't to say that 2021 was by any stretch a good year, but I am saying it was better than 2020. 

Pictured: 2020. Metaphorically speaking.

"Uh...yeah...about that..."

-Jesus, managing expectations

Traditionally and for reasons I've never been clear about, my last December post is usually a list of famous people who died over the past year. I did it as sort of a send-up of similar lists that crop up around New Year's, but at some point I think it just became one of those lists. And then last time, I skipped it, breaking a decade-long streak because, you know, we were all in the throws of a terrible pandemic and the last thing I wanted to dwell on was dead people. But hey, thank God that's over right? 

Anyway, maybe this year we should take a different approach. Instead of dwelling on who's dead and what we've lost, let's take a moment and list the good things that came from 2021. Oh, and don't bother making yourself comfortable, this won't last long. 

After a year in which we lost Ed Asner, Joan Didion, and the Archbishop Desmond Tutu
we can at least take solace in the fact that Betty White turns one hundred next month.

Narrowly averting a fascist take
over is a low bar, but I'll take it.

Sure, we did start the year with thousands of butt-hurt MAGA goons rushing the Capitol in a terrifying attempt to subvert democracy because the sexual assault enthusiast they inexplicably love so much lost. But the good news is, it didn't work. This time at least. Some of them even went to jail. Not all of them mind you, but some. Of course, it would have been nice to see some consequences for the guy who incited them and the lawmakers who helped and the news outlets who didn't repo-wait, sorry. Good things. We're going to focus on the good things. 

"Yeah, I just came down with this new
virus, you probable haven't heard of it..."

-disease hipsters circa 2019

Like the vaccine! 2020 gave us the pandemic--well, ok, technically 2019 gave us the coronavirus, hence the "19" in COVID-19. And I guess people were getting sick with it back then, but it didn't really catch on until 2020. 2021 however saw the rapid development of an mRNA vaccine. I'm not a scientist, but going from identifying a new disease to a vaccine in just over a year seems crazy fast. Of course 2021 also saw the emergence of COVID anti-vaxxers, but then dumbs have been around since the dawn of time, so I can't pin that one on 2021.

Although admittedly, this rocket
was also fairly phallic...

Oh! And the Webb Telescope, a cutting edge infrared telescope touted as the successor to the aging Hubble, successfully launched last week. Why is this a big deal? I'm glad I pretended you asked. Officially it's because it will allow astronomers to see even further back in time, to the formation of the earliest galaxies. Unofficially, I think we're all just kind of happy to hear about a space launch wasn't a phallic testament to Jeff Bezos wealth and vanity.

And then there's...uh...well. Well I suppose that's it: a reprieve from a right-wing take over, a vaccine for COVID-19, and a new space telescope. Oh, and we're all still here, right? Like, if you're reading this, you've made it through not one but two incredibly terrible years. More if you count the entire Trump administration as our national nadir--which I do, but either way, pat yourself on the back. Hope to see you again this time next year.

Did I mention that Betty White's still alive? I did? Super.*

*Update: 11:40, Friday, 12-31-21. No goddamn way. This literally just happened. I think this might be my fault...

Cool joke Jared...

Then maybe don't say fuck you to the President on Christmas? Huh? Who? No, not you, this Jared Schmeck guy, who on a call with Joe Biden, signed off with "Merry Christmas and Let's go Brandon!" Which, I mean, c'mon.

Pictured: The Bidens taking time out of their busy schedule to humor Jared Schmeck's kids.

The low road would be to make fun
of how Republicans enjoy watching cars
drive in circles, but I'm better than that.*

*(no I'm not)

So if you've not heard, "Let's go Brandon" is rightwing shitheel code for Fuck Joe Biden and it's origins are pretty Redstate. It comes from a NASCAR race in Alabama in which the crowd, still butt hurt that Americans chose Biden over sexual assault enthusiast Donald Trump, was chanting Fuck Joe Biden. And NBC News reporter thought they were saying Let's go Brandon, in support of racer Brandon Brown, and now the phrase has become a shibboleth for MAGA goons. Incidentally, even Brown, himself a Republican, has asked them to stop, you know, because it's dumb.

What's wrong with us? As a culture,
I mean. No really, I'm asking.

Anyway, Schmeck, who along with his kids was participating in a live stream Santa Tracker event hosted by the President and Dr. Biden and--What's that? Oh, you know, it's one of those things where everyone pretends that not only is Santa real, but being tracked by NORAD. In case he goes rogue or something. Doesn't matter. It was an otherwise pleasant conversation in which they all propped up the lie that a magical man flies around the world delivering toys to some kids, while passing over the poor kids, until Schmeck's funny, funny joke. 

Above: Jared Schmeck saying "fuck you"
to the President. On Christmas. In front of
his kids. But, you know, as a joke. Ha ha.

I say "funny, funny" because after the fact when everyone was like "What the hell? On Christmas?", Schmeck told The Oregonian, that it was meant as a joke and although he has nothing against the President, he thinks he can do a better job. 

"I meant no disrespect to him" 

-Jared Schmeck, on his totally respectful

"fuck you" to the President

So instead of his kids throwing up and looking back fondly on that time they talked to the President, it's going to be a story about that time their dumbass dad insulted him and then clumsily tried to pass it off as a joke when he encountered blowback. Cool move Jared. Also, hey, did you notice that he's wearing a Zelda shirt? It has nothing to do with anything, I just thought I'd mention it. 

You sir, disgrace the Royal House of Hyrule with your base insults. For shame.

"Whoa, whoa, leave me out of this."

-God

Anyway, next he tried making it about freedom of speech saying:

"And now I am being attacked for utilizing my freedom of speech...It was just an innocent jest to express my God-given right to express my frustrations in a joking manner."

-Schmeck, backpedaling

But everyone getting the vaccine is the
only way to end the pandemic and alleviate
the economic probl-oh, nevermind...

Uh-huh. Sure. And that's super, he's got issues with Joe Biden. According to The Oregonian, he doesn't like vaccine mandates, inflation, or supply chain issues and--he knows no one does, right? Well, I mean, vaccine mandates are smart, but basically his issue with Biden is that there's a pandemic and it sucks. I'm going to go ahead and suggest that people not liking what he has to say isn't the same thing as having his right to say it attacked. Because it isn't. Also, he didn't say "Mr. Presdient, I disagree with your policy on--blah blah..." he said: "Merry Christmas and fuck you." Class act.

I guess what I'm getting at is that contrary to Jared Schmeck's complaints, no one is saying he can't say "Let's go Brandon" to the President, we're just saying that doing so, on Christmas, in front of his own kids at the end of a friendly conversation is a dick move.  

Pictured: Conservatives pitching a fit over their rights
whenever they get called out on their words or actions.

What should I make the check out for? Zero?

So I got a letter in the mail from the college I went to--let's say, some time ago--asking for money. And you know, I get it. Education is important. And I theoretically support them and their aims. Theoretically, but not monetarily. And besides, didn't I already give them money?

Because I kind of feel like our relationship ended the day they made me wear
a mortarboard and some administrator dressed Galileo handed me a scroll.
Incidentally, is it me or is graduation weirdly medieval? 

Pictured: evidently not enough distance
between me and the Office of Development.

But I suppose what I really want to know is how did they manage to find me after--again let's say, some time ago and--oh God, twelve changes of address? Twelve! I'm three thousand miles away from the place I lived when I last got one of these. Every time I move I have to fill out dozens of online change of address forms, but I've never told my old college where to fine me and yet somehow the Office of Development manages to track me down like in The Last Jedi. You know, the only good Star Wars sequel? 

What? I didn't say it was perfect,
just better than the other two.

Huh? Yes it was. Anyway, remember how the Rebel Fleet thinks they're safe because they went to hyperspace but then it turns out they're not safe because the First Order have figured out how to track ships through hyperspace? No? Well they did, and this is like that. Except without the overly-long casino planet scene and an even muddier explanation for how it's possible. Although I suppose an even better question than how is why did they track me down after all this time and through all these moves?

What? Are we done picking on
Blockbuster? Fine. Gamestop. 

This certainly isn't the first such request I've received from them, like, they started almost immediately after graduation, but I've never responded, much less written them a check. So what makes them think now is the time? Days before Christmas, in the midst of a seemingly endless pandemic and its related economic woes? Aren't they an institution of higher education? Shouldn't they know better? And not for nothing, but I graduated with a degree in theatre. It's the Blockbuster Video of BAs. 

They even sent a pre-addressed (but not pre-stamped...hm...) envelope into which I can stuff a check, or my credit card information, or, I don't know, cash? They even helpfully suggest other ways to give including gifts os stocks or an IRA distribution. From my IRA...which I totally have for the retirement that will totally happen someday. You almost have to admire the--what's the word? Hutzpah? Unless of course they're just naively confident in the earning power of their graduates which, they probably shouldn't be. 

How thoughtful! They even indicate where to write your name and
the city. You know, in case you don't know how to address an envelope...

At least he didn't do a coup.

So I'm not saying that I think Joe Biden is the best President ever. I'm really not. But holy shit people, an approval rating of 44%? I know, I know, the economy, but is our problem with him or with our economic system that rewards rich people for being rich and leaves the rest of us to set up Kickstarters every time we need a kidney? Or did you see that thing with the teachers in the hockey rink? Our economic woes didn't just come out of nowhere in January. 

Pictured: Teachers in South Dakota participating in a "Dash for Cash"
contest in which they crawl around on the ground stuffing bills into their
shirts to pay for school supplies for the amusement of spectators.

(source: America's fucked up priorities)

"Let us not lose sight of the real victims of
slavery: white kids who have to learn about it
in school. I mean, what about their feelings?"

-Sen. Tom Cotton

I understand why Republicans don't like him. He is, after all, just another member of the elite liberal cabal who stole the election from Donald Trump and now is using activist judges to promote his socialist agenda of handouts, mandatory gay marriage, and teaching kids that slavery was bad. But what's our beef? The left I mean. Like, I'm frustrated that he hasn't directed the Justice Department to prosecute every lawmaker who was involved in the insurrection, fired Louis DeJoy and canceled student loan debt, but there's only so much a President can do.

Above: the petulant stomp of a man
who represents like 5.5% of Americans
and yet holds the rest of us hostage.

Particularly a Democratic President. Unlike the GOP, the Democratic Party isn't a cult of personality built around one, barely literate real-estate developer. Biden can't just command the party to give him what he wants like Trump did. With Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema refusing to budge on anything because reasons, there's nothing he can do to compel them beyond giving them what they want. Which he did. And they still stomped out of the room. Because they're short-sighted tools of whatever lobbyists they've sold themselves to.  

Pictured: Ruth Bader Ginsberg's replacement
seen here not answering a straightforward
question about Roe V. Wade about a year before
doing exactly what we all knew she would.

The GOP has spent the last year openly dismantling democracy and if we have even a chance of pulling it back from the brink, we're not going to do it by eating our own. Yes, Democrats should absolutely eliminate the filibuster, pass the Voting Rights Act and then appoint four new Supreme Court Justices to cancel out the partisan goons the guy who lost the popular vote got to appoint. But they can't until they have fifty-one votes, and they're not going to have that unless we keep the ones we have and get two more in to drown out Sinema and Manchin. 

So I'm not saying we should all blindly follow Biden the way the Republicans literally idolize noted sexual assault enthusiast Donald Trump. But the left could probably stand to at least feign enthusiasm. At least long enough to do something about voting rights and the Supreme Court. Then we can go back to getting in our own way.

"I'm sending everyone free COVID testing kits. The last guy told you
all to drink bleach. I mean, I should at least be breaking 50%, right?"

-Joe "at least he didn't do a coup" Biden 

Upon the widow's walk they wait for me...

Wait, Gamefly misses me? Misses me. I don't think that's...hang on, what's going on here? Am I being emotionally blackmailed by a subscription service? 

"Hey. It's been a while. I thought maybe we could get some coffee, you know, catch up?"

-Gamefly

Above: the once ubiquitous Netflix
disks were delivered via horse-drawn
buggy back in the mid-00's.

They recently sent me an email with that as the subject line: "We've missed you". And I just can't help but feel that--huh? What's Gamefly? I'm glad I pretended you asked. It's a subscription kind of like Netflix was back in the olden times when Netflix sent you physical discs. Remember that? No? Well they did, except Netflix stopped doing that when it was clear that everybody streams things and can't be bothered to wait for disc 2 of Season 2 of Lost or whatever in the mail. Gamefly on the other hand clung to the old business model in the face of things like Xbox's Gamepass and e-shops and that's fine. 

Download speeds up to 1,200 Mbps?
Cool, can I pay up to $79 every month?

The fact of the matter is, that this is America and not everyone has decent internet and Redbox is still a thing so God bless. But the final straw for me wasn't the obsolescence of physical media, but the fact that the turn around time went from a couple of days to a week. You end up spending most of the subscription waiting for the next game, which might have been Gamefly's fault or it might have been a side effect of Postmaster Louis DeJoy's efforts to sabotage the mail. Either way, it just wasn't worth it.

No, I'm asking: why does this Trumpy
goon still have his job? Seriously.

Embarrassingly, months would go by where I forgot I even still had the service. I'd just have Titanfall or Hyrule Warriors sitting on my shelf, unopened in those little cardboard sleeves. Sometimes I think that's the idea. Like, it's why they're so insistent that you can cancel anytime: they're hoping you'll sign up for the trial rate and then forget that you gave them your credit card. In a way they're a lot like Louis De Joy: just sitting there, hoping everyone forgets he's was still on payroll. 

Anyway, I don't think I'm off base when I say that no, of course the faceless corporation that is Gamefly doesn't miss me. It misses my monthly subscription fee. But I guess the real question is, does this ever work on anyone?

Pictured: Gamefly waiting in vain upon the widow's walk. Longing for the day I return from the sea.

(source: art?)

Yeah, but free shipping...

Just by captioning this, I'm personally 
responsible for several metric tons of CO2.
Probably. I don't even know anymore.

In case you needed another reason to stop giving money to Amazon, it's come out now that the company has been-huh? Yeah, for real, they're the worst, trust me, I've done the research. And by research I mean I googled "Amazon criticism." Also, Google's probably pretty bad too, and I'm saying this on a Google platform right now. Basically what I'm saying is that you can't exist in the world without supporting gigantic, gross corporations that are slowly killing us, but right now, let's talk about this Amazon supporting anti-vaxxers thing. 

Which is weird, because people not
getting vaccinated is why we're still in this.

The company has a program called Amazonsmile, which lets you designate a charitable cause and then Amazon donates 0.5% of your purchase to them. Cool, right? There are lots of worthy organizations on the list including Planned Parenthood, St. Jude's, and the American Cancer society. Last year however, they also donated thousands of dollars to something called the National Vaccine Information Center which, despite the name, tells people not to get vaccinated. 

This word cloud from the NVIC's site
took some intern, what, fifteen minutes? 

And sure, "thousands of dollars" for a company like Amazon is like what they find in Jeff Bezos's couch cushions, so who cares? But an organization spouting paranoid bullshit online doesn't need a lot of money to do a lot of damage. You don't need thousands of dollars to do lazy internet searches and then cherry-pick the information that reinforces your worldview. Trust me, I should know. With that kind of money I could spend so much more time ranting about Republicans and opining about Star Trek, but I have to go to work. Like an under-funded chump.

Turns out a craw or "crop" is a part of
a bird's digestive tract. Huh. Now you know.

Speaking of lazy internet research, I checked Amazon's list of charities and I don't see the NVIC. Maybe they dumped them to avoid the public backlash, or maybe I missed it, but am not paid enough to look into it more closely. Or both. What really sticks in my craw is how it doesn't matter because Amazon's program isn't about helping anyone, it's about justifying their stranglehold over American retail. Sure, they've crushed brick and mortar business, but they donate 0.5% of your purchase to (fill-in-the-blank), so even-Steven?

Except no, neither even nor Steven because some of those fill-in-the-blanks are things like the National Vaccine Information Center whose preposterous nonsense prolongs the pandemic and kills people. And we can't even hold Amazon accountable because they can't possibly be expected to keep track of every dangerous lunatic fringe organization they funnel donations to. I mean, they've got more important things to worry about. Like making streaming content, and launching billionaires into space.

Pictured: Jeff Bezos (center, in the stupid hat), seen here cackling about
how we, the little people, made all of this possible by buying shit off Amazon and by
extension digging the grave of American retail and, it turns out, real graves as well.

I stand by the term "gun-humper."

Pictured: Boebert (right) seen here holding
a Republican strategy meeting on the best
way to cook some hobbits they've captured.

Just to be clear, I know Representatives Massie and Boebert are trolling us with their gross gun tweets. I know they are, and I also know it totally works on me. But I couldn't quite put my finger on why they do this, other than the fact they're just a couple of trolls. So unless their plan is to give us all aneurisms, what's even the point? But a friend of mine--and one far better at not taking the bait than I--pointed out that when we're freaking out about their shitty tweets, we're not having an actual conversation.

Although in our defense, it's incredibly
difficult to get them to stop humping their
guns long enough to have a conversation.

The strategy these gun-humpers like to--huh? Yeah, gun-humpers. I'm suggesting that these people hump their guns and are sexually aroused by the thought that they may one day get to shoot someone. I stand by both the term and the assertion. Anyway, what the gun-humpers are doing is controlling the narrative. We're not having the reasonable conversation we need to be having about gun control, because we're too busy loosing our shit over these idiots posting deliberately outrageous pictures. 

Personally, I'm far more grateful 
for the Third Amendment. 

You know, the thing about the Second Amendment is that it exists. And just between you and me, whether or not the wording is clear, I do think there's room to argue that James Madison was probably saying that maybe citizens should be allowed to own firearms. How's that for hedging? But his was a muzzle-loaded world full of bears and Redcoats and there's a zero percent chance he foresaw automatic weapons, mass shootings, or parents who would give handguns to their kids and send them off to school. Zero.

Shit, they...they can't right? Like,
someone thought to put that in writing? 

And even if he did, he's long dead and I think we're all a little sick of the near daily massacres, so let's maybe do something? Grudgingly, I concede the point that most gun-owners are probably responsible gun owners, and that they have a Constitutionally protected right to own and have sex with their guns. But I mean, do they have a Constitutionally protected right to own a dozen guns? A hundred guns? Can they own tanks? Like, there's a line isn't there? They can't just put an ICBM in their back yard, right?

I don't know, I guess the thing that's been made clear to me is that no matter how bananas people like Massie and Boebert get on Twitter, something still has to happen on this and raging against them and their lunacy isn't doing anything other than give us ulcers. Huh? What has to happen? I don't know, I was hoping you might have some ideas. I mean, there has to be a middle ground between the rights of gun-owners and the idea that mass shootings are just a thing we, as Americans, have to accept. 

"Yeah, but guns. Guuuuuuns!"

-Literally their entire argument

If nothing else, at least she's on brand.

Oh that Boebert, what a card! In response to Congressperson Massie's hilarious Christmas tweet about how he and his family just can't wait to murder people, Representative Boebert of Colarado posted her own:

They've got his six? Would you turn your back on these people?

Pictured: probably not what
James Madison was talking about.

Boebert, whom you might remember as one of the Congresspeople who was super vocal about her support for the January coup attempt, has long been a supporter of America's favorite lethal hobby. She even owns a gun-themed restaurant in Rifle, Colorado--and no, you can't make this shit up--where the servers carry guns. Because guns. Guuuuuuuuns. What must it be like to live in this paranoid world all the time? I mean, they're so worried about bad guys with guns, why not just wear a bullet-proof vest all the time? Or, I don't know, support reasonable gun-legislation? 

Remember, Jesus said he who lives by
the sword dies by the sword. He didn't
say anything about AR-15's, so go nuts.

Anyway, I suppose in many ways, I can think of nothing more Republican that Boebert's dumb, gross tweet. There's the reckless disregard for basic gun safety, the weird conflation of religion and armed aggression, and a reminder that while Boebert and her family will gladly join Massie in a gun fight, he'll have to secure his own ammo supply. Nothing is free. If you want to shoot someone, you've got to get your own goddamn bullets. No hand-outs here. You've got to give it to Boebert, at least she's on brand.

I'm just kidding of course. You don't have to give her anything, she's clearly a monster and when she's not fomenting an insurrection of ignorant Fox-news watchers, she's busy hurling racial slurs at fellow representatives. This mother of four is tweeting jokes about arming children while four other families are still morning their own kids killed by yet another armed teen. She's the widening empathy gap personified and we can only hope Colorado voters figure it out before even kids die.

Pictured: Everything wrong with America. 

Empathy GOP

More ammo so you can go on a shooting spree? As a family? Well merry goddamn Christmas to you too...because this:

Nothing says peace on Earth and goodwill towards
men like a family brandishing military hardware.

Personally I think sending out holiday cards in
general is a sign of sociopathy. Scrapbooking too.

That's Kentucky Congressperson Thomas Massie in a tweet he sent out yesterday with a caption reading: "Merry Christmas! <Christmas tree emoji> ps. Santa, please bring ammo. <gift emoji>." Like, obviously this is one of those right-wing shit heel let's bait the libruls things and we should probably refuse to take it, but it's so tempting. So I guess what I want to know is what the actual fuck? I mean, I know he thinks this is a cute Christmas card for sociopaths, but rhetorically, what's the suggestion here? 

What's ammunition for if not to load into your guns so that you can go shoot people. Because those guns are definitely for shooting people. Admittedly, I don't know much about weapons, but those don't look like hunting equipment. So unless Massie and his family are hunting, I don't know, Predator? What else do they have in mind?

Although, if Representative Massie is hunting Predator,
I wish him and his family the best of luck.

Incidentally, that's pretty messed
up right? Like, it's not just me?

Incidentally, is ammunition a reasonable present to ask from Santa? Is this like, a Republican thing? Does Red-state Santa usually arm children? And even if he does, where would he lay his hands on ammunition for modern firearms? I guess my understanding is that the technological level of his elves is something like pre-industrial so the toys they make are usually wooden soldiers and dolls and lame things like that. Even the best Father Christmas could offer the kids in the Chronicles of Narnia was a sword and an archery set. 

And not for nothing but this weird, conservative obsession with guns is--at least they keep insisting it is--about self defense. Which, if we're accepting the premise that a magical man will be sneaking down their chimneys in the dead of night, wouldn't one of these gun-humping Second Amendment weirdos just shoot him to death? Like, they live for the chance to shoot an intruder.

"I'd like to see them try."

-Red State Santa

"Merry Coffee? Merry Coffee!? You say
Merry Christmas or I'll fucking shoot you!"

-Like, far too many Americans

Seriously though, this to them is Christmas? Look, I'm not super-keen on the holidays. I don't love the music, or the decorations, or the weird assertion that it's the one time and the only time a year that people are supposed to be decent to one another, but can we seriously not all agree that violence is bad? This is a crowd that loses their every-loving minds over a Starbucks cup or when someone says "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas," but they joke about murder and mass shootings. How are we supposed to get along?

I mean Massie's dumb tweet comes just days after another school shooting. One in which the shooter was given the gun he used as a Christmas present. And his parents evidently didn't need to be reminded to provide the ammo, so now four kids are dead and you'd think, as a parent, Massie would have some empathy, but here we are. So I don't think I'm alone in asking what's wrong with these people?

Anyone else think it's cute when right-wingers blame this
shit on violent video games? No? Yeah, me neither.