Today in intellectual property right violations:

You have failed me once too often Facebook advertising algorithm:

What's the point of collecting all this personal information about
people if you can't even bombard them with targeted advertising?

There's just...there's just too
much going on with these. Stop.

Despite my longstanding interest in things that are, for marketing purposes, lumped into the board category of geek culture, I don't fill my home with branded sci-fi tchotchkes, so where this thing got the idea that I wanted Star Wars bedsheets is beyond me. Much less bootleg Star Wars bedsheets labeled "His" and "Hers," and much, much less, Star Wars bedsheets that are also somehow American-flag themed. And it's that weird black and white version. Which, what even is that? An internet search gives a few different meanings for it, but none seem right.

What, too soon?

The placement of the lightsaber looks like the "thin blue line" flags that are suddenly everywhere. They're meant to show support for law enforcement, except that they're are usually waved by people leaping to the defense of police who have committed a murder, so it's a little hard not to see this particular flag without associating it with fascism, racism, and police brutality. Of course the lightsaber is red, which can stand for firefighters, but Darth Vader is, you know, traditionally not great in fire-related crises, so I'm thinking that's probably not it.

Whatever the black and white flags originally meant, I now see them almost exclusively on black pickup trucks next to NRA stickers and that dumb punisher logo insecure white men plaster all over their trucks. So I'm going to guess that the flag is some MAGA goon horseshit. My abject apologies if I'm misreading it. But I'm not.

Geez, we get it: you love 'america, guns, and reckless child
endangerment (pretty sure that's a kid in the back). Give it a rest.

The Empire blows up planets and
their soldiers are called Stormtroopers.
What about this is unclear?

But we're still left with the question: what does any of this have to do with Darth Vader and pillow cases that reinforce heteronormative relationships? Nothing. Obviously. Unless you factor in that mysterious force that surrounds, binds, and penetrates every aspect of 21st century American life: synergy. You see, the company that created the ad, letschillbro.com--no really, that's the name. Anyway, the good people of letschillbro.com identified an apparently as yet untapped market: Star Wars fans who fundamentally misread the film series' anti-fascism message. 

Sure, it was 115º in Portland yesterday, but
we can't ask people to go without Funco Pops.

And that's what manufacturers of unlicensed (although, I guess licensed too) nonsense do. They take ordinary objects, like say bedsheets, slap some branding on them, like say Star Wars, and sell them for five or six times what the sweatshops charged. Because we're dumb and our out of control, hyper-capitalist, and environmentally disastrous economy will be the literal ruin of the world. But we've easily got five, maybe six years before that happens, so let's get back to figuring out why someone thinks Darth Vader votes Republican.

I suppose Darth Vader does use violence to enforce the will of Palpatine, an oligarch who used a manufactured crisis to create a culture of fear which he then used to seize power. So in a way, Darth Vader is exactly what the American right thinks law enforcement should be.

The Star Wars saga is, at its heart, a tragic tale of an
old white guy who just wanted unlimited power.

letschillbro.com also offers a throw
pillow with a Darth Vader line Lucas 
actually took from George W. Bush.

But in another, more accurate way, Star Wars is a series about Darth Vader being a thug who, at the end, comes to realize that he'd been played all along and only redeems himself by throwing that fascist shitheel down his own throne room's convenient, en-suite bottomless shaft. Huh? What's that? Yes, I've seen the prequels. And yes, George Lucas may not be the best screenwriter, or director, and he once hilariously claimed that his movie Red Tails was the first action film to feature an all Black cast. But whatever you think of the quality of his filmmaking, the Star Wars movies were and are an unsubtle critique of American imperialism. 

So how is there enough Venn diagram overlap between Trump-loving gun humpers* and Star Wars fans to justify bedding that throws them together in some kind of ideologically confused nerd smoothie? And if you manage explain that, try explaining this:

Just to be clear, I'm not worried about Disney's intellectual property rights.
They're a massive corporate juggernaut with money and lawyers. They'll be fine.
I just refuse to believe that Grogu's first words will be "Blue Lives Matter."

*What? I stand by the phrase "Trump-loving gun humpers."

It's only indoctrination when liberals do it.

"...you need to have a true contest of ideas, students should not be shielded from ideas and we want a robust First Amendment speech on our college and university campuses."

-Florida Governor Rick DeSantis, 

somehow without a hint of irony

It's not sure it's a true contest of ideas when you're threatening budget cuts
for universities that don't align with your political ideology, but what do I know?

"For many years, Black Americans got to
have their own neighborhoods, army units and
 even water fountains. Those lucky ducks!"

-Florida textbooks

This after signing three bills designed to fight indoctrination in Florida schools. One of these bills, HB5, requires K-12 curriculums to teach a class about the horrors of communism and the wonders of America's spotless and perfect history of freedom for everybody. Now, I know what you're thinking: America actually kept millions of people enslaved for the first 150 years of its existence, killed or forcibly relocated entire populations of Native Americans, and placed 120,000 Japanese Americans in interment camp during the Second World War. And you'd be right. Our history is...nuanced.

Fortunately, young Floridians won't ever hear about any of that, since DeSantis recently signed another piece of legislation banning critical race theory from schools, leaving HB5 free to indoctrinate kids into-sorry, did I say indoctrinate? 

"Whoa, whoa, it's only indoctrination when liberals do it."

-DeSantis, not even trying anymore

"Wooo! Mandate school prayer! 
Unfettered capitalism forever! Wooo!"

-Florida's youth

Obviously, in banning of critical race theory and instituting a curriculum explicitly designed to instill in Florida's students the acceptance of a set of beliefs about American awesomeness, without question or criticism, HB5 and the other, similar bills devised by the GOP and signed by DeSantis, are exactly the literal definition of indoctrination. And I mean literal literally. As in, it's in dictionary. It's just that this is an indoctrination that they prefer and one that they hope will help their shitty, hate-filled worldview catch on with the youth. And if it doesn't, they'll just make it even harder for college kids to vote. 

"We'll allow a broad spectrum of political 
views. From Far Right to Ultra right and
 everything in between. We're a big tent."

-DeSantis, magnanimously

But wait, it gets even more fascist-y. DeSantis also signed another bill, HB233, that will require colleges and universities to survey their faculty and students in order to ensure "intellectual freedom and viewpoint diversity." The bill defines this as "exposing the students, faculty, and staff to, and the encouragement of their exploration of, a variety of ideological and political perspectives." Which is weird given they they also just passed a bill requiring students to learn how evil communism is and one banning discussing racism. And by weird I mean transparently hypocritical, so that tracks.

Pictured: rank and file conservatives
who buy into a narrative of persecution
promulgated by a crooked real-estate
developer turned one-term president.

Hey, you don't suppose that this isn't really about intellectual freedom? Like, that maybe this is actually about racists and nationalists taking advantage of rank and file conservatives who buy into a narrative of persecution promulgated by a crooked real-estate developer turned one-term president, to try and halt and perhaps even reverse the momentum against them and their morally bankrupt leadership? Like that maybe this is just another desperate grasp at power and relevancy in a world that is moving away from thier violent, white supremacist bullshit?

Because I do. And do you know how I know? Two things. First, the Governor's suggestions that this results of the surveys could have an impact on a school's funding. And second the GOP's relentless passing of legislation that they're not even pretending is about anything other than improving their chances with an electorate that wants them gone. 

The Republican Party:
The oppressive, dead ideology of the past...today!

Happy Economic Death-Spiral Day!

With diseases we usually have an awareness month or a ribbon or something, but we don't give cancer a day, right? Like there's isn't a Let's Celebrate Cancer Day, or Antibiotic-Resistant Infection Day. So how come Prime Day is not only treated like a national holiday, but gets free news coverage?

Pictured: Not goddamn news.

"Pwa ha ha ha ha!"

-Jeff Bezos

Prime Day, a holiday or maybe an observance Amazon made up for itself, is a day--two actually--whereupon we're all supposed to shop on the online retailer's site. I'm not super-clear on how this is different from any other day, but whatever. There are discounts, which they can afford to do by not paying taxes meaning they've found a way to pass the savings and the cost on to us at the same time. Ok, they pay some taxes, but way less than they should thanks to tax credits and the incentives cities fight for the privilege of granting the company.

Incentives they get in exchange for building distribution centers in places that just desperately need to bring in new jobs to replace the ones lost to the rise of online retail (often Amazon themselves) in a sort of economic death-spiral from which there is no escape. And sure, these are low-paying, high-stress jobs with no bathroom breaks working for a company that employs blatant union-busting tactics but technically speaking, "jobs."

"Historically, when poor working conditions, low wages, and an ever-increasing
 cost of living make workers's lives unsustainable the result is strikes, unrest, and 
sometimes even violence. But I'm sure that's not going to happen this time."

-What experts say shortly before strikes, unrest 

and sometimes even violence break out

"That is an unfair characterization. Our
drivers are welcome to wear adult diapers."

-Amazon 

You're probably wondering what you can buy on Amazon, well the answer is--huh? Ok, fine. You're probably not wondering that, but I'm setting up my next point. Anyway, you can buy anything. Virtually anything, and have it delivered to you within days or in some cases hours by Amazon's own delivery trucks. Yes, the ones with the drivers who have to poop in bags. And hey, aren't there like laws against that? Not the poop bags, although yes, those too, but I mean anti-trust laws.

"Alleges" in the sense that he did it,
we saw him do it, and everyone knows it.

Back in March, a group of independent bookstore owners filed a class action lawsuit against Amazon and the five largest book publishers for their anti-competitive practices. What a bunch of whiners, right? No, not even a little. The class-action suit alleges that the online retailer puts clauses in their contracts with the publishers that ensure that Amazon can sell books for less than independents. Oh, and I say alleges in the same way that we say Donald Trump allegedly incited the insurrection.

Monopoly is no fun when one person has all
the money, and everyone just circles the board
getting poorer. This is true of real life as well.

But it's not just price-fixing. I'm going on half-remembered social studies classes from high-school--and a public high school at that--but Amazon controls like 50% of the e-commerce in the U.S. Doesn't that make them a monopoly? They're an online retailer and a delivery service and a streaming platform and they own a grocery store chain. Again, I'm not an expert and don't really know what I'm talking about, but I'm pretty sure that's not how any of this is supposed to work. Also, incidentally, I don't think that not being an expert has ever stopped anyone on the internet before.

I mean, I guess it's one thing to throw up our hands and say that retailers didn't adapt to an ever-changing marketplace. And it's true, they didn't. But it's another thing entirely to not only stand by and allow one online retailer to drive everyone in every industry out of business with anti-competitive practices and an unlimited capacity for tax avoidance and then to treat one of their sales like a goddamn holiday. 

Happy Amazon Prime Day!

Our Lady of Perpetual 501c3 Status

So I guess what I want to know is how long until they loose their tax-exempt status? The Catholic Church I mean. Because something tells me that it's never. It's never isn't it?

"Yeah, not a chance in hell."

-The Catholic Church

"If you think that's metal, wait
'till you hear what we believe."

-The Catholic Church

I ask because the U.S. Council of Bishops have voted to move forward on a measure that could lead to a decision to-look, I don't know, it's complicated, but basically the President is Catholic, right? No, this isn't like a "do bears shit in the woods" joke. Joe Biden is Catholic and communion is an important part of that. It's actually an important part of a lot of Christian denominations, but for most of them it's a ritual in which the congregation eats bread (or crackers usually) and drinks wine, and these represent the body and blood of Jesus. Metal, right?

"Body of--wait, is this? This is
super-weird, right? It's not just me?

-all priests at some point

Yes. But it's also symbolic, unless you're Catholic, in which case the bread and wine are literally transformed into the flesh and blood of Jesus. It is, and I think Catholics would agree, super weird to outsiders. The point is, is that it's a huge deal and the U.S. Council of Bishops is getting together to decide if Joe Biden is even allowed to be a part of it anymore because of his support for reproductive rights. And to be clear, he's not pro-abortion, no one is. He is, like most Americans, pro-you have a choice.

"Hey, let's ask these celibate men what
they think about reproductive rights."

-No one, ever

In fact, according to Pew Research, more than half of Catholics, 56% are pro-choice. And even more of them, 68%, say Roe v. Wade should not be overturned, meaning that 12% of Catholics oppose abortion, but don't support taking the right away from others. Yet the council voted 168-55 in favor of drafting a whatever that could eventually lead to Joe Biden getting shut out of a major part of his religious belief system because the people who run the Catholic Church in America don't like that women can exercise control over their own bodies. 

So what gives? Turns out the Catholic Church isn't a democracy. But America is (for the moment anyway), and that's where we have a problem, because we're supposed to keep Church out of State and vice-versa. The Council isn't singling out Joe Biden, although most of the conversation is about him because he's, you know, the President, but instead they're proposing that communion be denied to any Catholic politician whose platforms don't line up with Church doctrine. Which brings me back to the tax thing.

A handful of out-of-touch, conservative men using out-sized authority
in direct opposition to the will of the majority? Huh...what's that like?

Oh, like that time the Mormon Church
lost its tax exempt status for lobbying for
Prop 8. Remember that? Yeah, me neither.

The Internal Revenue Service, in probably the most gripping piece of tax code I've ever tried to parse on a Saturday morning, says that:

"Contributions to political campaign funds or public statements of position (verbal or written) made on behalf of the organization in favor of (or in opposition to) any candidate for public office clearly violates the prohibition against political activity. Violation of the prohibition may result in denial or revocation of tax exempt status..."

-The IRS's totally iron-clad

and universally applied rules

Not sure an organization that shielded child
predators for decades should really be taking
the moral highground, but here we are.

I'm not even a little bit a lawyer, but in threatening to punish Catholic officials for not aligning with the Church's policies, they're clearly making a statement of position "in opposition to" office holders. The Church is against abortion. We get it. And it would be one thing for Joe Biden's priest to say to him in private, "abortion is wrong, we wish you wouldn't support it." That's between The President and his beliefs. But it's an entirely different thing for the Church to hold a huge conference on whether or not to leverage its authority over the spiritual life of American officials to try and influence policy. The threat is effectively a statement of position.

And that's what it is: a threat. A serious one depending on how religious someone is, and the President seems pretty serious about his faith. It would be like threatening to wall up that secret tunnel JFK used to meet up with his mistresses, or telling Donald Trump that he can't lock children in cages anymore. 

I'm kidding, there was no secret Kennedy mistress tunnel, 
although Donald Trump does love human suffering. That one's real.

"Not going to lie, it's pretty sweet."

-The inexplicably tax-exempt Jeff Bezos

Churches can't go around threatening politicians with damnation, or if they do, they should start paying taxes like (almost) everybody else. What I'm saying is that they can either be a 501(c)(3) and enjoy the kind of tax exempt status we normally reserve for our wealthiest billionaires or they can be a political organization and harass people outside of Planned Parenthood--which, incidentally--stop goddamn doing that. They do more to prevent abortions than the anyone--sorry getting off track. 

Google: Because it's easier than
knowing what you're talking about.

My point is, politics or church. They can't do both. Or, well, I guess they can. I mean, they've gotten away with it forever, but they shouldn't be able to. I don't want to tell the Council of Bishops how to tell other people how to live their lives, and I'm no theologian, but I did do an exhaustive google search, and I don't think Bible actually address abortion. At all. And not all Christian denominations oppose all abortion rights, so it's the Catholic Church's position, not necessarily a religious one based in scripture, right?

Tax-exempt status notwithstanding, if most Catholics disagree with The Church's position on abortion, they're not disagreeing with God or the Bible, they're disagreeing with the people who run The Church, so the Pope and the U.S. Council of Bishops. So from The Church's perspective, is this really something they should be alienating Catholics over? I mean, you can't tell people they're doing it wrong if they don't show up.

Also, cynically speaking, it's going to be hard to pay property
taxes if no one's there to fill the collection plates.

Today in another spoiler on the barbie:

If I just started in about who won the
sports thing last night, you wouldn't
know what to do or where you were.

Here, take my money. Huh? No not you, Konami. They're going to-wha-yes, it's another video game thing. You knew what you were getting yourself into when you went to my blog. So like an hour ago, word leaked of a Castlevania Advance Collection, which--right, you don't know what that is. Fine it's a compilation of the three Castlevania games that came out on the Game Boy Advance back in the early 2000's and-look, doesn't matter, all you need to know is that this very exciting news for fans. And it's inexplicably coming from the Australian government.

Pictured: Castlevania: Circle of the Moon,
 played on a Game Boy Advance.

These games haven't seen a re-release, and tracking down copies now can get expensive, and you'd have to have a working GBA. And even if you did have one, 2021 is a long way removed from the early aughts. We're spoiled now by digital storefronts, save states and HD screens; something from which the first one in the series, Circle of the Moon, will definitely benefit. I played it way back when it came on the first generation GBA, you know, the one without a back light? Those were barbarous times. 

"Because Caddyshack is as equally
as objectionable Human Centipede."

-The MPAA. No, really

Anyway, I'll stop wow-ing you with my in-depth knowledge of retro gaming, and get to the interesting part. Despite th--yes, finally. Despite this compilation not being mentioned at E3, the big trade show that happened this week, we only know about it because of the Australian Ratings Classification Board. It's that country's equivalent of the ESRB, which itself is kind of like the MPAA, you know, the movie ratings people? The famously strict ARCB gave the game an M, which I don't think is as bad as a an ERSB rating. I think their M is somewhere between our M and out T for Teen. Still seems a little hight though.

Here, lookit this, it's from the ARCB website. It's a chart that explains the game's M rating. 

"Say that is interesting!"

-No one

Seems pretty tame by U.S. standards, but then
ours is a screwed up culture of body-shaming
and gun-worship. What? I'm not wrong.

Castlevania games, for those unfamiliar, are usually action/adventure platform games wherein the player runs around battling monsters similar to, but legally distinct from, characters from Universal Monster Movies. Werewolves, mummies, vampires, its firmly in the fantasy genre, so the "Moderate Impact" violence feels a little overblown. Also, sex and nudity? Aside from maybe some nude statuary in the background, I'm not sure what they're talking about. I guess maybe the werewolves don't wear pants?

Pictured: Me. Every goddamn
time. You'd think I'd learn...

But the draconian Australian Ratings Classification Board isn't why I called you here today (didn't I?), it's the fact that they broke the news. This happens now and then with games, where one country's rating system blows the big reveal by publishing the rating for something that hasn't been announced yet. And I guess what I want to know is how. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to know that I'll be giving Konami another forty dollars for games I've already played, but surely the ratings board is aware that publishers want to announce their games themselves. 

Is it possible, nay, probable that the Australian government simply doesn't give a shit? Like, they're going to announce their ratings when they're going to announce them, million dollar marketing budgets be damned? Huh...that's exactly it, isn't it? Mystery: solved.

"She got you an electric razor, Tim. Enjoy."

-The Australian Ratings Classification 

Board, just ruining surprises

Agua: Portuguese for panic selling

Four billion dollars. Of money. Can you believe it? No, I can't either, and what's amazing is that-huh? Oh, I'm talking about how much value Coca-Cola's stocks lost when a footballer suggested everyone drink water. So when jerks whine about how sports people should stay in their lane and keep their opinions to themselves, it's not because players don't have something valuable to say, it's because what they have to say can do this.

Basically this.

Full disclosure: I actually have no idea if you're
having a stroke. But if you are, it has nothing
 to do with Euro 2020, it's just a coincidence.

It happened at a press conference in Budapest, as part of the 2020 European Football Championship, and no, you're not having a stroke, it was originally scheduled for 2020, but you know, COVID. At the conference, someone had just casually set up bottles of coke near all the microphones and Cristiano Ronaldo, Captain of Portugal's football team, wasn't having it. He shoved them out of frame, picked up a water bottle and urged everyone to drink that instead of the brown sugar-sludge corporate synergy demanded. And I say, good for him.

Coca-Cola has had a partnership with the United European Football Associations since the 80's, which is strange given their even longer partnership with obesity and diabetes. 

What? I'm not wrong.

Pictured: the UEFA spokesperson.
Metaphorically, I mean.

And not for nothing, but that was a shitty move on Coke's part putting their bottles our there on the table in the hopes of getting a free endorsement from the team captains. A spokesperson for UEFA released a statement saying: 

"Players are offered water, alongside Coca-Cola...on arrival at our press conferees." and that everyone "is entitled to their drink preferences."

-The UEFA trying to put out a fire

Our entire economy relies on idiots
keeping their cool. It's not a great system.

Uh-huh. Well today, Coke's stock went from $56.10 to $55.22 per share which, according to this works out to be a loss of four billion dollars. And look, I don't mean to take pleasure, schadenfreude, if you will, in Coke's loses. Regular working people own stock too, and it's part of 401K's, and savings and it sucks that this hurts them to. But people didn't stop buying Coke because Ronaldo told them too--although they absolutely should--it just means investors thought that people will do that and sold. So if we're going to blame anyone, let's blame panicky investors.

Oh, and Coca-Cola. You can totally blame Coca-Cola. They could have asked Ronaldo if he wouldn't mind shilling their product, but instead they tried to get a free endorsement from an athlete whose entire livelihood is dependent on being in peak physical condition. Something it can't be when it's full of goddamn corn syrup, caramel color, and whatever else is in this soda which we all pretend isn't as bad as smoking or meth. Ok, fine, meth is way worse, but still, in many ways, the Coca-Cola company got what they deserved.

Pictured: Ronaldo Cristiano, in defiance of corporate greed, waving an unbranded
bottle of clear, unsweetened liquid known as agua in his native Portuguese.
Of course, the bottle is plastic, which isn't great, but one thing at a time.

Is he a role model though? Is he?

Hey, it's Captain Picard Day and-huh? What? Well it's not like you sent me a card either. Let's just say both our cards got lost in the mail. Anyway, it's Captain Picard Day, the day we celebrate the accomplishments of Captain Jean-Luc Picard. But what I want to know is should we be celebrating Captain Picard Day? And look, I'm not saying this is like a Christopher Columbus situation. Picard is no Columbus. But he did pull some shit. 

Ugh...also he's one of those people that reads leather-bound
books on vacation. I mean, who even does that?

Despite the free-love thing, 
Rubicun III is basically Texas.

Like that time the Enterprise visited that planet full of capital punishment-loving swingers who wanted to execute Wesley for messing up their garden. Picard went through this whole ethical debate before landing on nah, and then beaming everyone up and completely disregarding that planet's judicial system. This is the kind of shit Kirk would have pulled, I mean, I know they were primitive, pre-warp nudists, but the Prime Directive still applies, no matter how dumb the planet's laws. Wesley may have trampled their flowers, but Picard trampled their very way of life.

And did you ever see Star Trek: Insurrection? That's ok, it wasn't great, but in it, Picard leads his crew in a mutiny against Starfleet when they try to forcibly relocate some budget-friendly aliens off their fountain-of-youth planet. Now, I know what you're thinking: what's wrong with that? And sure, the admiral in charge was corrupt and he did try to kill the Enterprise's crew, and yes, Starfleet was trying to steal a planet. 

Pictured: The Baku, easily among Star Trek's laziest alien designs.

"The free market fuels innovation!"

-Picard's bullshit argument

But the Baku weren't from there, it wasn't like their ancestral home. They just stubbled upon it and realized that it made them functionally immortal. Then, instead of sharing this monumental discovery with the rest of the galaxy, they hunkered down and started living their best L.L. Bean life. Admiral Dougherty was wrong to try and take it from them in secret, but goddamn, that planet cured death, and the Baku were keeping it to themselves. Starfleet was trying to bring universal healthcare to the Federation but Jean-Luc wasn't having it. Again, not siding with the bad guys here, I'm just saying that I'm not sure Picard was on the right side either.

In a sense, he's condemned the entire population of the Federation to the ravages of old age. And the fact that Picard would himself later--spoiler alert--cheat death by getting downloaded into an android body, makes the whole fiasco kind of a bad look for him.

Maybe he wouldn't have needed that android body if he'd just
gotten those Baku dicks to share their immortality planet.

"Screw you Robert, I hope you die in a fire!"

-Picard's ill-chosen 

words to his brother

And let's not forget that time he slaughtered eleven thousand people at the battle of Wolf 359, and then got a total pass. Yeah, you heard me. And ok, fine, he had been, through no fault of his own, turned into a Borg. And because of this Starfleet didn't hold him responsible. Great. But how did they know he wasn't responsible? At the time no one had ever been assimilated and then un-assimilated, so all anyone had to go on was his word that he was being manipulated. After getting rescued, and after some cathartic mud wrestling with his brother, he was back to work like nothing happened. 

I'm not saying he's definitely responsible for Wolf 359. I'm just suggesting that Starfleet didn't exactly do their due diligence in investigating his role and that they let him off easy because he's a famous space captain. And that perhaps we should take this and his actions on the dumb swinger planet and the even dumber, immortal Central Casting planet into consideration when we celebrate Captain Picard Day.

"I'm a role model."

-Jean-Luc Picard