Today in another spoiler on the barbie:

If I just started in about who won the
sports thing last night, you wouldn't
know what to do or where you were.

Here, take my money. Huh? No not you, Konami. They're going to-wha-yes, it's another video game thing. You knew what you were getting yourself into when you went to my blog. So like an hour ago, word leaked of a Castlevania Advance Collection, which--right, you don't know what that is. Fine it's a compilation of the three Castlevania games that came out on the Game Boy Advance back in the early 2000's and-look, doesn't matter, all you need to know is that this very exciting news for fans. And it's inexplicably coming from the Australian government.

Pictured: Castlevania: Circle of the Moon,
 played on a Game Boy Advance.

These games haven't seen a re-release, and tracking down copies now can get expensive, and you'd have to have a working GBA. And even if you did have one, 2021 is a long way removed from the early aughts. We're spoiled now by digital storefronts, save states and HD screens; something from which the first one in the series, Circle of the Moon, will definitely benefit. I played it way back when it came on the first generation GBA, you know, the one without a back light? Those were barbarous times. 

"Because Caddyshack is as equally
as objectionable Human Centipede."

-The MPAA. No, really

Anyway, I'll stop wow-ing you with my in-depth knowledge of retro gaming, and get to the interesting part. Despite th--yes, finally. Despite this compilation not being mentioned at E3, the big trade show that happened this week, we only know about it because of the Australian Ratings Classification Board. It's that country's equivalent of the ESRB, which itself is kind of like the MPAA, you know, the movie ratings people? The famously strict ARCB gave the game an M, which I don't think is as bad as a an ERSB rating. I think their M is somewhere between our M and out T for Teen. Still seems a little hight though.

Here, lookit this, it's from the ARCB website. It's a chart that explains the game's M rating. 

"Say that is interesting!"

-No one

Seems pretty tame by U.S. standards, but then
ours is a screwed up culture of body-shaming
and gun-worship. What? I'm not wrong.

Castlevania games, for those unfamiliar, are usually action/adventure platform games wherein the player runs around battling monsters similar to, but legally distinct from, characters from Universal Monster Movies. Werewolves, mummies, vampires, its firmly in the fantasy genre, so the "Moderate Impact" violence feels a little overblown. Also, sex and nudity? Aside from maybe some nude statuary in the background, I'm not sure what they're talking about. I guess maybe the werewolves don't wear pants?

Pictured: Me. Every goddamn
time. You'd think I'd learn...

But the draconian Australian Ratings Classification Board isn't why I called you here today (didn't I?), it's the fact that they broke the news. This happens now and then with games, where one country's rating system blows the big reveal by publishing the rating for something that hasn't been announced yet. And I guess what I want to know is how. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to know that I'll be giving Konami another forty dollars for games I've already played, but surely the ratings board is aware that publishers want to announce their games themselves. 

Is it possible, nay, probable that the Australian government simply doesn't give a shit? Like, they're going to announce their ratings when they're going to announce them, million dollar marketing budgets be damned? Huh...that's exactly it, isn't it? Mystery: solved.

"She got you an electric razor, Tim. Enjoy."

-The Australian Ratings Classification 

Board, just ruining surprises