Paging Doctor HobbLobb...

So it looks like lawyers for Hobby Lobby just convinced 10th Circuit Judge Joe Heaton that the new Affordable Care Act probably wouldn't apply to their company and that the fines for not complying with it are lame and that they shouldn't have to pay them if they don't feel like it. It's a decision that I kind think of violates the spirit of what a fine is supposed to be, but hey, what do I know?

Well, I'll be damned.

Just so you know, your friends lied
to you. Nobody likes homemade gifts.

Hobby Lobby, if you've never heard of it, is a craft and hobby store that sells things like felt, popsicle sticks and glitter to the kind of people who spend far too much time on Pinterest* and give out homemade Christmas presents. They made the news earlier this year for announcing that they plan to defy the new health care law because it covers emergency contraception. I complained about this back in January, but if you want me to sum up, Hobby Lobby is owned by evangelical Christians who feel they shouldn't have to cover the morning after pill under the ACA.

The Bible was written during the Bronze Age when no one had ever even heard of Plan-B, so what's the problem? Well, emergency contraceptives are taken after intercourse to disrupt conception which some Christians see as a form of abortion. So their argument-that they're being asked to violate their conscience-is not completely unreasonable.

"So the morning after pill, gay people, shellfish, clothes made of two different materials,
and music that doesn't suck...man, is there anything that isn't an abomination with you?"

-Steve, one of the guys that wrote the Bible

(oh, like you know who wrote the Bible)

Above: David Green, founder of 

Hobby Lobby and CFO of your vagina.

Note, I said not completely. The comparison offered up by the 10th Circuit is that a kosher butcher wouldn't be asked to put ham in a sandwich so why should Hobby Lobby be required to comply with the law? If that sounds like a tremendous load of horseshit to you, that's because it is. First of all, kosher butchers aren't trying to weasel out of Obamacare. Secondly, while Hobby Lobby's owners may have an objection to emergency contraceptive, that doesn't mean the people that work for them do. I mean, why should employee health care options be limited by David Green's beliefs?

You know, not to get all slippery slope on you here, but if companies can claim religious exemptions from having to provide health care, isn't the ACA suddenly screwed? Every corporation in America is going to suddenly find Jesus if it means bigger profits. 

"Tim, I'd like you to meet Jesus Christ, he's going to be helping us out around here,
cutting costs, meeting our Q3 goals, oh, and he's a fucking lunatic on the racquetball court."

"Quick, look busy, Jesus is coming!"

Look, no one wants David Green's religious liberty to get trampled on and you can totally see where he and his supporters are coming from when they say that the law is unfair to religious companies. But if the Court decides in Hobby Lobby's favor, wouldn't they be putting one guy's beliefs ahead of his employees' rights? I mean, David Green's boss might be Jesus, but Hobby Lobby's employees work for a for-profit company and are entitled to fair and equal treatment under the law.

I feel for Green and his supporters, I do, but health care should be between a person and their doctor, not a person, the giant for-profit corporation they work for, said corporation's religious beliefs and then the doctor. That's just unfair and more than a little icky...

"Hey Allan, good news, I just talked to your shift supervisor and she says her pastor
thinks it would be ok for me to remove your anal cyst. So, how does Thursday sound?"

*Yup, picking on Pinterest is a thing I do now.

Near-miss!

Hey, you know what's not really news? Not being in a plane crash. Yet check out MSNBC.com's homepage after the terrible and fatal accident that happened earlier today:

...but wasn't. So why are we talking about her?

Pictured: Just some of the planet's
7 billion nobodies who weren't on the plane.

I'm not trying to be a jerk, but why did they even bring up Facebook Executive Sheryl Sandberg when a plane carrying 300 people crash-landed in San Francisco? Well, she was going to be on that flight but switched in order to use her frequent flyer miles. Ok...Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely thrilled that Sandberg is safe and I don't for a moment believe that she asked for all this attention, but it's a little troubling that a plane crashed and half the coverage is devoted to someone who wasn't even on the damn thing. I mean, lots of people weren't on that plane.

It's like the news was looking for some way to make a terrifying and violent crash-landing into a major U.S. City interesting and the only way they felt they could do it was by making a vague connection to a notable person. It just seems a little, you know...

This just in: It's been confirmed that cast members of HBO's Game of Thrones,
who have also ridden on airplanes, are safe having been nowhere near
San Francisco International when the accident occurred.

Let's hear it for 'merica!

Hey everyone, it's time once again to celebrate America's victory over King George III and his army of not so well-camouflaged Redcoats! How can you mark the occasion? Explosives. Of course some of us live in counties, towns, hamlets etc. where fireworks are illegal, so what the hell are we supposed to do? Here are some alternatives:

Pictured: George III and Lord Charles Cornwallis
inspect the elite British Warriors. Source: History. 

As long as were appropriating Chinese
cultural elements, let's get some of those
Dragon things too. Those are awesome.

Blow shit up anyway! You could drive across state lines and buy some fireworks illegally. After all, how dare your town stand between you and your god-given right to play with potentially deadly explosives? Sure, there's every chance that you don't know what you're doing, but that shouldn't stop you from waving a middle finger (or whichever one you have left) at authority. It's Independence Day, and there's nothing more American than flouting authority, endangering yourself and others and watching as one of the most famous Chinese inventions light up the sky.

Yeah, it's from Jurassic Park, but
tell me this isn't the image that comes
to mind when I say Jeff Goldblum.

Speaking of Independence Day, you could always watch that movie, Independence Day. It's not one of my favorites, but I suppose that the only thing more American than going outside and setting off fireworks is not going outside and sitting in front of the TV instead. It has everything we apparently want from a movie: explosions, non-sensicle plot, explosions, scientific inaccuracy, explosions, Jeff Goldblum. Sure it's crap, but it is a sci-fi/action movie that was made before they all had that Inception bwwwooooww-noise we're all so sick of. Besides, you could do a lot worse.

It was also about casting off the food.
Blood sausage? Holy shit British people...

Speaking of doing a lot worse, when you get down to it, the Revolutionary War was about casting off the oppressive, powdered-wig rule of the porphyria-addled English King, so I suppose you could celebrate by shaking your fist in the general direction of the U.K.'s current tyrant, Elizabeth II. She's, uh, east-ish I guess. Anyway, fist-shaking is low budget, doesn't require sitting though Bill Pullman's speech and it won't result in a trip to the emergency room. Go on, try it, I'll wait...feels good doesn't it? Take that, Queen!

Above: Elizabeth II Funbucks,
look at all the crazy colors!

Sure, the Royal Family is but a shadow of its former head-choppy, tax-happy self, but it's still important to remind Liz that we don't need her multi-party parliamentary system, universal healthcare, or the billions of pounds the monarchy generates for the British economy every year. Pounds of what? Oh, that's just their crazy British money. Instead of going by the numbers printed on them, people just weigh the bills. It's not very efficient, but it is more traditional. Sort of like how they put a 'u' in words like 'color' and 'favorite.' (citation needed)

But hey, it's a good time to celebrate being an American. DOMA was struck down, racism is apparently over and according to Back to the Future II, we're only like two years away from hoverboards. So, happy Fourth of July everyone!

Right? Racism is over? I mean, that's why you thought it
would be ok to gut the Voting Rights Act, right? Guys...?

Schadenfreude!

It looked something like this.

Hey, remember the other day when I was all 'pfft, stupid 9th Circuit Court of Appeals is gonna make everyone wait 25 days to get gay married...jerks.' You don't? Really? Because it was like Wednesday. Anyway, I did say something like that and do you know what I'm eating now? That's right, my words. California Governor Jerry Brown asked the court to go ahead and lift the stay placed on same sex-marriage licenses and they did.

I can't believe Delaware beat
us on this one. Delaware.

Yup, 4 years after a coalition of hate groups and inexplicably still tax-exempt churches persuaded a narrow majority of voters that voting 'yes' on Prop 8 was the only way to stop baby Jesus from crying, gay people in California can finally get married again. The Supreme Court has already rejected a petition from Prop 8 supporters asking them to hold off. No more waiting for sore losers to mount another appeal, no more legal roadblocks, as of Friday the State of California is as progressive as Delaware.

Above: Straight marriage is basically
 ruined forever. Way to go gay people.

While Wednesday's ruling certainly struck a blow for equality, I think we should take a moment to consider how same-sex marriage will affect people who hate joy. Sure, gay couples in California now enjoy the right to marry the person they love, but Prop 8 supporters have lost the right to treat them like shit. While celebrating this victory, I think it's important to keep in mind that there are people who are suffering because gays and lesbians have rights, people who can no longer enjoy their marriages knowing that gay-married couples are out there having hot Takei sex with all the same legal standing.

So I hope you'll join me in remembering the struggles of this loud and irrational group of busybodies whose vaguely religious yet vitriol packed anti-gay tantrum resulted in four years of legal bullshit for gay people to slog through. Thanks Prop 8 supporters, you guys can, uh, go away now.

This was the scene back in 2008 when Prop 8 was passed. Look at them,
so happy, so full of hope for a future where their baseless hatred carried the
full force of law...man, they can really go fuck themselves. Like for real.

SCOTUS? But we've only just met...

Well how's 'bout that? The Supreme Court, or SCOTUS if you're in a hurry, ruled that DOMA is complete bullshit, and that it totally doesn't want to touch Prop 8 with a ten foot Judging Pole. The ruling brought a swift and brutal smiting from the Almighty, just like gay marriage opponents have been saying all along. This was the scene earlier today:

"Ahhh! If only we'd listened to those assholes from
the National Organization for Marriage!"

Holy shit, I don't care about
your stupid bread bears. God, I
hope you never know happiness...

But don't propose just yet, this is real life, so obviously there's going to be a grab-bag of bullshit coming up. The Court ruled that the people who fought the lifting of the ban on same-sex marriage had no standing to do so. Cool, awesome, right? The SCOTUS has affirmed that just because two people of the same sex being married and being all gay with each other (or in the case of lesbians: lady gay with each other) weirds you out, it doesn't give you the right to use the full force of the American legal system to prevent them from enjoying hot Takei sex within the bonds of holy matrimony. Similarly, the fact that I'm sick of hearing people talk about things they saw on Pinterest (and could totally make) doesn't mean I should try to get an amendment written in to the Constitution that would make their marriage illegal. 

It just wouldn't be fair to let gay people
marry, not after these protesters worked
so hard on their signs.

While this is an important step, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals still has to actually lift the stay it put in place to give Prop 8 supporters time to complain and throw up legal obstacles. Sigh. Yeah, this again. This time they're getting yet another 25 days to appeal this ruling. 25 days to put together more pseudo-religious bullshit and legal roadblocks. Look, I know it's like super-important to be fair to the homophobic asshats who worked so hard and spent so much money making sure gay people get treated like second class citizens but the Supreme Court did just say that they're full of shit and that the 'gay people are icky' argument has all the legal standing of shut up. 

So why are they getting more time? This is time people could be getting married and starting their lives and registering for duplicates of things so they can return them to the store and keep the money. Look, today's rulings were excellent, but for real, what gives? No more do-overs for the anti-equality people. Done. They should take up Sudoku or something.

"Ok...we're going to let gay people get married now, unless anyone anywhere
has a problem with it...anyone? Last chance? Ok, when I bang this gavel it'll be official,
so going once...twice...yes! You in the back with the sign that reads God Hates Homosex!"

Dear Michael Bay, You're doing it wrong.

So you know how Michael Bay is directing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot movie? No? Well, he is and I offer this fact as proof of a cold, hostile universe that hates us. If it sounds like I'm judging this movie before it's even finished filming it's because I am, but for real, did you see Dark of the Moon?

Above: A typical scene in Transformers: Dark of the Moon...
uh, I think. Look, I really have no idea what we're looking at,
so yeah, I think my concern for TMNT is well founded.

Pictured: The turtles swimming in the
mutagenic ooze as God intended.

You may recall last year's fan-fury (known as The Great Nerd-Storm of 2012) when Bay announced that he'd be dropping the 'Teenage' and 'Mutant' from the film's title and would be re-imagining the Ninja Turtles as 'tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable' aliens. Yes, goddamn aliens who are also ninjas and love our Earth pizza. I know, right? When fans reacted with a hatred that burned brighter than a thousand suns, the studio relented (we thought) and the Turtles would be mutants once again. Because seriously, aliens?

"No, it's ok, I did kind of invade Poland." 

-Michael Bay

Bay, however, wasn't done murdering our nostalgia for 1980's cartoons because he then cast Megan Fox as plucky reporter/lab assistant April O'Neil, which is odd because you may remember her as the actress who compared Michael Bay to Hitler. But ok, so say they made up, fine, but that still doesn't explain why she's playing April. I know this is a movie based on a cartoon, based on a comic book series and as such doesn't require Royal Shakespeare Company credentials, but she is objectively terrible. Does he only know the one actress?

Recently however, it started to look like things were turning around: Will Arnett is going to be Vernon Fenwick, (the obnoxious camera man from the animated series) and set photos had Fox wearing a yellow jacket; a nod to the cartoon April's weird yellow jumpsuit. Cool, right? This thing was shaping up to be an actual TMNT movie.

Here's April in her trademark yellow jumpsu-oh god, wha-what is going on here?
Goddamnit internet, is there no part of my childhood you won't ruin?

He was great in that thing.

Yup, it looked like Michael Bay was finally getting down on his knees and offering us some serious fan service (what? What do you think I meant by that?). But then this happened. Yeah, I know, you're not going to click on it, so here, it's about William Fichner being cast as The Shredder. Look, I have nothing against William Fichner. He's an awesome character actor and you totally enjoyed him in the fifteen of sixteen things you saw him in but can't quite remember.

So what is wrong with William Fichner as the Turtles' nemesis? Versatile though he may be, Fichner is...what's the word I'm looking for...um...white. He's white. The Shredder, a.k.a. Oroko Saki, is a Japanese ninja master from Japan who is Japanese...usually.

Yup that's actor James Avery (on the right, with cake),
but let's face it, we all think of him as uncle Phil. 

Yul Brynner: a trailblazer for
white actors playing asian guys.

Ok, so Shredder has been played by an asian guy only once and that was in the 1990 movie (twice if you count the Vanilla Ice-marred sequel) and even then his voice was dubbed over by a white guy, but it's 2013 now, could they not get an asian actor? I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if they were trying to diversify the cast, like in Thor when they made Heimdall a black guy, or how Lawrence Fishburn played Perry White in Man of Steel. Peter Jackson even made up a female elf for The Hobbit 2 because holy shit, there are no women in Middle Earth. But taking an asian character and hiring a white guy somehow seems a little wrong, especially for the director who came up with those racist robots in Transformers 2.


I'm beginning to think that Michael Bay and I have an abusive relationship. He keeps making shitty movies based on cartoons I remember, and I keep paying him. Will I see TMNT? Of course I will. I know it's going to suck and just piss me off, but I'm still going to hand over $11.50. It's like I know that Soylent Green is people, but I keep eating it anyway.

Honest to god, he could remake the Gobots Vs. Rocklords
movie and I'd probably go see it. What is wrong with me?

Bad Guys

If you don't, we'll
know who to blame...

Ok everyone, tomorrow's the big day. Nine people in shapeless robes are (hopefully)* going to announce either that gay people deserve equal treatment under the law or that same sex marriage is an abomination and must be stopped before our wrathful God smites us with his uh...wrath. So cross your fingers, pray to gay Jesus and change your profile pic to that red equal sign thing because this could go either way, which I don't even understand. I mean, why should anyone care who other people are marrying? Don't like gay marriage? Then don't get gay married, but whatever, tomorrow's the day...maybe.

You know what? Screw this legal shit, let's just see who gets the most honks.

"I was thinking we could mail a bag of dog shit to
every gay person in America. Whatta ya think?"

-The NOM strategy meeting

for operation: Sour Grapes

So yeah, there are still people out there with nothing better to do than crap on other people's happiness. In fact, some people make a literal career out of it. Groups like the National Organization for Marriage and Family Marriage Council are already planning to continue fighting against marriage equality if the Supreme Court doesn't find in their favor. Like, right now their strategists are sitting down in a room somewhere coming up with new ways to make gay people's lives miserable. I know the world isn't black and white and I know that there's more than one side to every debate but gay marriage opponents are just being asshats, total asshats.

They say (they who? I don't know, people who say things) that in fiction the best bad guys are the ones who don't think that they're the bad guy. Take Magneto for instance. Yeah, he did some pretty terrible things, but he only wanted to make the world a better place for mutants and that's why he had to drop so many cars and asteroids on people.

Yes, he is murdering astronauts here, but it was for a good cause...I assume.

Did you guys ever stop to think
about how gay marriage would affect
 homophobes? No, I didn't think so. 

The world hated and feared mutants and he stuck up for them. You can see Magneto's side of things and that, along with his ability to exert control over magnetic forces, is why he's awesome. But what about real life bad guys like NOM and FRC? Am I a jerk for thinking that they're just bad (or at best, misguided) people? I know they think they have a point, and I know that they think it's the right one, but as far as I can tell their side boils down to 'we don't like gays and want to treat them like second-class citizens.' That's not a position, that's hate. 

"Really, I'm the victim here. If there were no
gay people, I wouldn't hate them so much."

-Peter Sprigg, FRC

Here, take this quote from Peter Sprigg of the Family Research Council:

"One of the points of frustration for me has been that supporters of same-sex marriage want to portray the opponents of it as motivated entirely by hostility towards gay and lesbians people as individuals and that's completely untrue. We are concerned about the institution of marriage and making sure it continues to perform the important social functions it has always performed."

"Ha! So much for the institution of marriage!"

-Lesbians, ruining everything

So Spirgg says that he's not motivated by hostility towards gays and lesbians as people, but he is also saying that same sex couples will be so toxic to the institution of marriage that they'll ruin it for everybody. What the hell, man? That seems both personal and hostile. Whatever their intentions, the Family Research Council and other anti-gay hate groups (yeah, they're legitimate hate groups but still get to go on TV) are actively working to combat equality for gays and lesbians, and I think that makes them the bad guys here, and not even decent bad guys.

They're like the cheesy, two-dimensional bad guys of 80's cartoons. They're the Cobra† of national discourse. Just generically evil organizations with no real motivation other than sucking the happiness out of people's lives.

"I dessspisssse puppiessss!"

-Cobra Commander

*I mean I'm hopeful that they'll make their announcement tomorrow, they'll almost certainly be wearing those stupid robes. Oh well, it could be worse. In some countries they still wear powdered wigs.

Like for real, how are these guys taken seriously?

†And before you stick up for Cobra, please explain to me what their deal was. I mean, it was just one easily-thwarted and pointless scheme after another. What was their goal anyway?