Next time, re-boot harder.

I just saw The Amazing Spider-Man, and it was good. I liked it. It was a matinee and I'm usually more agreeable towards movies for which I paid less than 11 dollars to see, but for real, it's pretty good. In fact, I enjoyed this movie despite the fact it's another origin story and I totally hate origin stories.

Behold: X-Men Origins: Wolverine, a 97 minute explanation of where Logan got
the leather jacker he wears in X-Men 1. Turns out he stole it. Mystery: solved.

Time: our deadliest foe.
Just ask old people.

So yeah, decent movie, but what's that? You'd like to hear me complain about something? Anything? No matter how nit-picky? Well, I don't usually...well, ok, there is one thing but it's pretty spoilery, so if you haven't seen the film, stop reading. Still there? Ok. Now, really it's only a spoiler if you didn't already know that one out of every three comic book adaptation movies is required by law to end with a scientifically implausible destructo-device that gets shut-down seconds before going off.

'Goddamn right I can.'

-Magneto

X-Men had Magneto's mutation machine, in Batman Begins it was Ra's al'Goul with a toxic microwave thing and in Spider-Man 2 it was Doc Octopus's reactor deal. It's like no one involved in these movies felt that their villains are threatening enough on their own or that the climaxes were exciting enough without the artificial tension created by a ticking clock or a soulless computer voice counting down our hero's remaining time. I mean, Magneto can reverse the planet's magnetic poles causing untold havoc. What does he need with an Anna Paquin-powered MacGuffin?

"Hmmm...it needs something...maybe...a... 
countdown! Vanderbilt, you're a genius!"

-The screenwriter, not rocking the boat

Anyway, This movie's villain, Dr. Connors, aka The Lizard, has one of these devices, complete with countdown, which Spider-Man has to shut off before it's too late. Since it's a remake, you'd think the writers would have gone out of their way to avoid repeating the plots of other comic-book movies, but here we are. In fact, this movie, a re-boot of another movie which itself was adapted from a comic book, even has this scene at the end in which Peter Parker's English teacher talks about how there's only really ten plots in all of fiction...it's like they wanted us to know that they know that we're on to them.

Spider-Man's Giant Robot: not in the movie.
Would have been surprising though.

So maybe all fiction is just variations on a limited number of plots. That's cool, and hey, it's just a movie, right? After all, The Amazing Spider-Man isn't really about the doom-gadget, it's about characters and relationships and characters turning into lizards and how that effects their relationships. I can usually accept a well-worn plot if it's a good movie, and this was a good movie, it's just that this particular doom-gadget is especially stupid. Now, I'm about to get even more spoiler-ific here, so skip the rest of this if you want to be surprised. Well, actually if surprise is the only thing your looking for in a movie, don't see The Amazing Spider-Man.

Super-Villain Solutions and Logistics
for the 21st Century

Anyway, like I said, more spoilers. In this case, the device in question is a airborne chemical delivery system thing invented by Oscorp in case they ever need to distribute a biological agent, like say a cure for polio or a mutagen that will turn everyone in New York into lizard-people. Ok. Fine, you can see where this is going right? The Lizard steals the thing, loads it up with Lizard juice and starts the clock.

'Oh, I get it! It's the thing from before!
Remember? The thing?'

-some jackass in every audience

Sure it seemed a little too convenient that Dr. Connors would happen to work at a company that would have the perfect machine on hand just in case he ever goes nuts and wants to mutate millions of people. And yes, it was a little heavy handed the way the writers set it up for the audience at the beginning of the movie by having Dr. Connors give a tour of Oscorp in which he points out the device and practically says 'pay attention audience, this will be important later!'

But what I want to know is why does this machine, built ostensibly to deliver an aerosolized cure for bed bugs or whatever (it's New York, right?) have a 'countdown to detonation?' Shouldn't it just have an 'on' switch? I mean, it's supposed to be a piece of medical equipment, yet it comes equipped with a dramatic tension-inducing countdown timer for no goddamn reason.

"Thank you for choosing the Oscorp Asthmax 3000. Detonation
of life saving medication in your mouth will be commence in two minutes..."

Above: No.

So yeah, like I said, TAS (the amazing acronym) is a good comic book movie. The re-hashy plot and brain-meltingly stupid weaponized lizard-o-matic don't really ruin it, they just make me wonder how much better it could have been if they'd just tried a little harder to be different from every other comic adaptation of the last 20 years. Look, as a nerd I have a moral obligation to find fault in everything, so take my complaining with a grain of salt. Also, let's not overlook the fact that the film contains absolutely no Bono whatsoever. None.

The Wrath of Gary

Put on your nerd pants everybody, I'm about to talk about Star 2rek: The Ensequeling. If it's too much for you, here's a link to Reuters. Anyway, according to Topless Robot who read it on Totalfilm.com, who heard it from some guy (Karl Urban, aka Dr. McCoy, aka Judge Dredd), Bilbodict Cumberholmes might not be playing Khan after all.

'...this is for Season 3 of Heroes you green-blooded son-of-a-bitch!'

-Bumberdink Clumberhitch in Star Trek 2

'A female...space officer? Is she like,
in charge of the space kitchen?'

-NBC Executives

Instead, according to Karl Urban, Cumberbatch will be playing oft-overlooked Kirk nemesis Gary Mitchell. Who the shit is Gary Mitchell? Well, way back when Gene Roddenberry was putting together The Star Treks for NBC he filmed a pilot episode called The Cage. It was about super intelligent telepathic aliens with throbbing, ass-shaped skulls who kidnap Captain Pike (this was pre-Kirk) and two female crew members as breeding stock for their space zoo. It was pretty smart for TV sci-fi in the 60's and featured a female first officer-she wore pants and everything.

Cool right? Well, no. NBC decided there wasn't enough over-acting and flying dropkicks so they told Roddenberry to try again. The result was the second pilot: Where No Man Has Gone Before starring William 'Priceline' Shatner-the inventor of the two-fisted punch.

'Yes, and throw in some more punching. In fact, make it double-punching. With two fists.'

-Network notes

God-like powers are the sci-fi equivalent
of rabies-at some point your friends are
going to have to put you down. And how.

This time the Enterprise passes through a lava-lamp barrier field which hyper-evolves a couple crew members including Captain Kirk's best pal Gary Mitchell. The rest of the episode is about Kirk deciding exactly how hard to kill his BFF before he goes all Dark Phoenix on the ship and crew. It was also a pretty good episode and if J. J. Abrams insists on boldly going where Trek has already gone before, the Wrath of Gary sounds like way more fun than a Khan re-tread.

Above: A truly dizzying intellect.

Of course it might also be that Karl Urban is throwing up some sort of smoke screen to make us think Khan isn't the big bad in the movie. On the other hand, Urban might be the sort of man who would know that we're on to him and so he's telling us the truth in hopes of misleading us into believing a lie. So is this rumor a sure thing? Not remotely. Because Karl Urban comes from New Zealand and as everyone knows New Zealand is entirely peopled with sheep. Anyway, I'm suddenly way more excited to see Trek 2.


On a side note, if Trek 2 is a WNMHGB (acronym!) remake, it might mean that Alice Eve (seen left) is playing Doctor Elizabeth Dehner (right)-the other crew member who catches super-powers from the magic space barrier. In fact, it seems pretty obvious now. Look at the on-set pictures:

Of course at this point it's all wild speculation. I mean, Alice Eve's hair
is parted on the right whereas Elizabeth Dehner's is parted on the left. 

Reverend Collier gets no blintzes.

'Annual Pastors Conference. All White Christians Invited.' Yup, so says a flyer advertising a conference for the totally not crazy sounding Church of God's Chosen. What kind of 10-year olds with a pillow-fort and a 'no girls allowed' sign bullshit is this? Behold:

So like bring a dish to pass. Nothing too 'jew-ey' though.

If he took off the white pride hat and
 stopped denying the holocaust, maybe
someone would have Bill over for shabbas.

In defense of his church's crazy, head pastor and racist-in-chief William J. Collier points out that he hasn't been invited to any black, Muslim or Jewish events for some reason, so really they started it. It's not like the CGC (acronym!) is a even a hate group. Sure, they believe in the inherent superiority of the white race and explicitly bar non-whites from their meetings and the KKK is attending this conference but...uh, what was I saying? Oh, right, Reverend Collier wants to make it clear that his church is not a hate group. They're just united, as a group, in their common hatred of people who look/belive differently. What's hate-groupy about that?

The conference is even ending with a cross burning, oh but not a klany, 'we don't like your kind here' cross burning, this is more of a celebratory 'cross lighting' -like if Burning Man was run by racists instead of dub-stepping ravers on mushrooms.

As it happens, Burners are fervently opposed to
equal rights for giant wooden people.

Like most 1st century Jews living in
Roman Judea, Jesus was probably a Viking.

'We are not breaking any laws, we are not violating any ordinances, we are bringing the word of God to people who want it...' Oh. Ok. But then Collier went on to explain that by 'people who want it' he means white people, who, if you didn't already know '...are part of the chosen race.' Holy shit. Leaving aside the questionable assertion that God's chosen race could possibly be the same one that produced Vanilla Ice, why the hell is 'because religion' a pass for whatever discriminatory, bigoted bullshit someone wants to do? I know they're not technically breaking any laws, but is it really so hard to be a person without the threat of legal repercussions?

And what about the people who live nearby? Thanks to this jackass, their whole community gets lumped into the Alabama stereotype of missing-teeth racists and moonshine, and that's just not fair. Won't somebody please think of the yokels?

Above: The 4.8 million other people in Alabama
who are not associated with Collier's racist church.

Taste the Science!

'Awww...but I wanna...'

-Scream Guy, making his case

In an amazing display of whatever the Korean word for chutzpah is, South Korea's envoy to the International Whaling Commission has announced that his country no longer feels like abiding by the decades old moratorium on not driving whales to extinction. Why? Well, it's been "painful and frustrating for the people who have been traditionally been taking whales for food." Sort of like how our ban on stabbing people has been difficult on those who would like to stab people.

'I guess this whale got lost, wandered on
deck and slipped in this pool of blood.'

-Some Whaler

According to the article, people have been taking whales 'accidentally' caught in nets for years despite the ban. This announcement is just South Korea's way of saying 'screw you' to the rest of the Commission's signatories. And no, I have no idea how you accidentally catch and kill a whale. I've managed to go years without accidentally capturing, killing and then processing the carcass of a fifteen ton Minke Whale. It's like there's an entire not-so-secret whaling industry based on assuming we're all idiots.

Kinoya's Canned Whale Meat:
Taste the Science!

Speaking of assuming we're all idiots: for years, Japan has been making use of an 'it would be funny if it wasn't so sad' loop-hole in the ban that makes whaling totally cool if it's in the name of scientific research. Yeah, that's right, you can kill a whale and sell it for meat as long as you slice it open like a taun taun, feel around inside its gooey innards and then shout: 'for science!' At least Norway and Iceland, in typical Viking dontgiveafuckness, have the decency to openly ignore the toothless ban.

Look, I'm not trying to knock anyone's traditions here, but there's a finite number of whales left in the world. Is our need for pre-electrical lighting, traditional whale burgers and authentic corsets really worth wiping out whales forever? Can we seriously not come up with a anti-whaling policy that's better than: 'Please don't kill whales, unless you feel like it and find them delicious.'

Sorry Steampunks, your otherwise totally accurate alternate universe sci-fi
Victorian-era costumes will have to make due with synthetic corset boning.

Let's Celebrate Canada Day!

Hey, did you know that today is Canada Day? No? You didn't? Shame on you, and yes, I'm allowed to dole out shame here because, as I may have mentioned five or six times before, I am one quarter Canadian. To celebrate the enactment of the British North America Act of 1867 here are some Canadian 'Did you knows?'*

Pictured: Another thrilling moment in Canadian History.

Above: Goons.

Did you know that Canadians once burned down the White House? Well, they didn't, they got their goons to do it but still. It happened during the War of 1812, which was the Revolutionary War's lesser known sequel. Sort of like S. Darko. Yeah. There's a Johnny Darko 2, betcha didn't know that. Anyway, during the Revolutionary War II, the Americans were harassing Canadians along Lake Erie and even set fire to the Canadian Capitol. In fairness the British were kidnapping American sailors and pronouncing 'aluminum' wrong, so they kind of had it coming.

In retaliation, the Canadian Governor asked his British masters to please be so kind as to burn the shit out of Washington, which they did, destroying the Capitol, the Library of Congress and gutting the White House. Yeah, remember that next time you watch Kids in the Hall or pour syrup on something.

'The Burning of the White Hoose'
Next time you see a Canadian, punch them in the face.
They'll know what it's about.

Seriously guys? 

Did you know that Canadians have their own money? You see, technically Canada is another country and as such has its own currency. That's cool and all, but the problem is that their coins are almost identical to ours. Anyway, I used to live an hour from the border and it wasn't uncommon to find Canadian change mixed in with your real money, especially when you go to park and every other quarter is rejected by the meter. Like its people, Canada's money can pass itself off as American without much effort. Simple numismatic coincidence or prelude to invasion?

Did you know that there's a Queen of Canada? Furthermore did you know that she's the same Queen as the Queen of England? It's true:

See? It's the same damn Queen, just with a different hat.
She's the monarchical equivalent of a pallet swap.

Above: The Queen of Australia.
Look familiar?

That's right. Elizabeth II is the Queen of 16 countries. Sixteen totally real countries including Jamaica, Fiji, Australia, New Zealand, the Bahamas and the possibly real but I can't swear to it island double punch of Saint Kitts and Nevis. According to Wikipedia, she's also somehow the Admiral of Nebraska. Look, I know the Fourth of July is coming up and we're supposed to be celebrating our independence and all, but holy shit, this woman is the unquestioned ruler of 16 countries. Wouldn't we be better off surrendering now? It's only a matter of time before she assimilates our culture into her collective, we might as well go with some dignity.


*Warning: Don't try to use this information to impress someone you'd like to sleep with. There is no greater sex-repelant than Canadian factoids.

NOM-NOM-NOM...

Yes, that's exactly the level of crazy.

We already kind of knew that Brian Brown and the National Organization for Marriage were crazy, but did you know they were like 'round the bend, burn it down and then salt the earth so that nothing will ever grow again crazy? Well, they are. You're probably saying to yourself : 'who and the what for what, now?' Here, let me refresh you: Brian Brown is the executive director of the National Organization for Marriage, an anti-gay hate group who, like a homophobic Justice League, formed to save California from being destroyed by gay people getting married.

Pictured: Brian Brown crying in his
goddamned cheerios because gay
people in New York have equal rights.

Having recently lost the battle against same-sex marriage (not to mention reason and perspective) in New York, Brian Brown and the NOM have committed themselves to a new goal: kicking the shit out of Republicans in the next election. Why? Again, the crazy, but also revenge. Rather than come to terms with the fact that gay people have rights whether they like it or not, the NOMs have decided that they'd rather throw a tantrum and trash the few reasonable members of the GOP who had the temerity ($.50!) to stand up to them.

Now normally I'd love to sit back and watch conservatives feast on each other like a bunch of flat-tax, gun-loving zombies, but the Republicans the NOMs are going after this November are the ones who weighed pandering to the religious right against joining the Democrats in doing the right thing and said (and I quote): 'Fuck it...'

"Uuuhhhhggg...no moooore Obaaaamaacaaare...."

-Republican Zombies

Ziiiing!

As social conservatives you'd think the NOM's members would recognize the value of holding on to lawmakers who agree with the other 95% of the Republican platform like insider trading and hunting puppies for sport (what?). But no, they just hate gay people so much that they're willing to eat their own out of retribution. Seriously, that's it. The National Organization for Marriage has no motivations other that hatred and revenge, which, incidentally is something the average married couple can at least relate to.

I'd like to think that the average Republican voter is savvy enough not to let a hate group choose their candidates for them, but then these are the people who made Going Rogue a bestseller...for six goddamn weeks.

I'd bet that they're also responsible for a fair percentage of Going Rouge's
sales before sheepishly trudging back to Barnes and Noble.

Re-hopefull-ish-ness

"This court is adjourned."

-Schwarzenegger

I've got this strange feeling, this here-to-for un-experienced sense of...I don't know...what's the opposite of soul-crushing despair at the state of civilization? Is there even a word for it? Re-hopefull-ish-ness? Anyway I'd never heard of David Blankenhorn before this morning but he's actually restored some of my faith in humanity. So who the hell is this guy? At first blush he sounds like one of the people I'd like to trade in to get Jim Henson or Madeline Khan back. I mean he defended Prop 8 in Perry Vs. Schwarzenegger. Sure, his side lost but still, that's pretty douchy.

He also wrote a book called The Future of Marriage which is about how gay couples make terrible parents because they can't both be biologically related to their children which is absolutely essential and the reason that all adopted children grow up to be sociopaths. Science.

In his follow-up, Marriage of the Future, Blankenhorn argues that raising your children
in a vast and hostile galaxy is perfectly healthy, as long as you're not both dudes.

Without marriage, our civilization
will quickly crumble into
hopelessness and Thunderdomes.

Oh, and Blankenhorn is also the founder of the socially conservative and somewhat churchy-sounding Institute for American Values: a group dedicated to the promotion of marriage. According to the IAV, getting married isn't just some sexist and outmoded form of property exchange left over from the Bronze Age, nor is it a flimsy pretext with which to extort gift cards and smoothie makers from your friends. For them, marriage is no less than the very glue that holds our society together and the only thing between us and total anarchy. In fact, their website draws a connection between the rising divorce rate and 9-11.

So how the hell does a right-wing Prop-8 thumper like that give me a warm fuzzy of renewed optimism? He reversed his position, that's how. Wait-waaah?

Yesterday, if given the choice between a social conservative coming to his senses about the
injustice and homophobia inherent in opposing marriage equality and a goddamned unicorn,
I would have chosen the unicorn as the thing I'd most likely see today. 

Ted got Nicole, and his family got 80
gold ducats and 130 head of cattle.
Let's hear it for traditional marriage. 

In an op-ed for the New York Times, Blankenhorn has come out in support of legalizing same-sex marriage. It's not a total reversal, he still stands by traditional (or 'vanilla') marriage as his favorite method of transferring ownership of a woman from her father to her husband, but he says it's time to end the fight against marriage equality in the name of 'basic fairness' and just getting along with one another. Wait a minute, fairness? Getting along? Say...that doesn't sound like discourse in American politics...where's the vitriol? The name-calling? The Hitler comparisons? What gives?

If David Blankenhorn and the Institute for American Values can abandon the homophobia and junk science of the anti-equality movement, can the rest of the right be far behind? Could we be looking at the end of us versus them and the beginning of open and rational discussion? That thing you're feeling? That's re-hopefull-ishness.

"Luke...join me and together we will come to an equitable agreement that will satisfy
the needs of both the Empire and the Rebel Alliance. There's really no need for this
destructive conflict to go on, I mean we're both reasonable people here..."

-Darth Consensus-Builder