Friday, July 1, 2011

It's Canada Day! So try and keep it down, ok?

"Black horsey to red square, sucker."
Hey, did you know that today is Canada Day? Well, I bet you also didn't know that I'm one quarter Canadian. Sometimes I say 'a-boat' instead of 'about.' This is one of the many ways I am like the half-Human, half-Vulcan Mr. Spock. We're outsiders caught between two worlds; a part of both, but at home in neither. Also, I'm totally good at three-dimensional chess or at least I suspect I would be if it were really a thing. Anyway, those of us with a dual nature have a hard road to walk in life. A road made all the more difficult on days like today when we feel the stirring of our Canadian blood.

"Yeah, we actually call it back bacon, or sometimes just ham."
                                                                              -Canadian Proverb

"What? Like you could name
three of them. Go on, try it."
-Queen Victoria, 1867

So yeah, what the hell is Canada day? Well, it's the day when my people remember the enactment of the British North America act of 1867. It's sort of like the Fourth of July except instead of celebrating the casting off of a cruel and tyrannical King, the Canadians are celebrating the incorporation of the Provinces of Nova Scotia, New Brunswick and Canada into the single, more easily taxed subject Kingdom of a cruel and tyrannical Queen (what? Maybe she kicked her dog. You don't know). This was because just like most of us United Statesians, Queen Victoria had a hard time remembering the names of all the Provinces. There's was only like three of them at the time, but she was having Nunavut. Thus Canada was born.

Shhh! It's Canada Day!
According to my exhaustive research of the Canada Day wikipedia site, the holiday used to be known as Dominion Day. Now this may sound like a needlessly intimidating name for a holiday that celebrates a document signing, but it was back when the country was known by the slightly more badass name: 'The Dominion of Canada' rather than the more modern 'Canada, I Beg Your Pardon' or The CIBYP. Also, since we Canadians don't like to be all in your face, no one really celebrated it until 1917 and then only at night with the curtains drawn.

So what do my people do on Canada Day? Well, in sharp contrast to the drunken, patriotic orgy of charred meat and illegal fireworks with which we celebrate the birth or our nation, Canadians mark the occasion with their usual restraint and dignity (they watch TV and have a beer). After all, they're just a little more civilized up there.

"Wooooooo, Canada!"
Dave Boucher, typical Canadian

Notable Canadians include:

Mutant Superhero Wolverine.
Noted actor and time-traveler, Michael J. Fox.

One quarter of me.

1 comment:

  1. AWITKON Stage ManagerAugust 28, 2011 at 10:17 PM

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