It's Federation Day! Yes, again...

Hey, guess what today is? Give up-huh? Yeah, it is Federation Day. How'd you know? Did you look it up while I was talking? Because that's cheating. You're a cheater. I hope you feel good about your-oh, or maybe you just read the title of the post.

Speaking of, if you're ever playing poker with Data from Star Trek and he doesn't
win, either you're cheating or he's throwing the game. Don't give me that human
intuition bullshit. either. You're playing cards with an android. A literal computer.

In other accurate predictions
about the future: guyliner.

Anyway, for those who didn't look it up, or remember from previous years (like this one, this one and it's sequel, this one, this and that one and that time I almost forgot) it's the day marking the founding of the Federation from Star Trek which according to Roddenberrian prophecy is now only 145 years away. Sure, it was just a TV show, but it made a lot of accurate predictions. Take cell phones, they used to flip open, just like the communicators so...you know, prophecy. Excited? Don't be. You and I will be long dead.

Einstein, pscht...what did he know?
No, seriously, he was a mathematician,
why'd they name a med school after him?

At least according to these jerks from the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in The Bronx. Their new study published last week in Nature (it's a scientific journal, not like, nature the thing), suggests that no matter what advances we make in the way of longevity, the ceiling for living long and prospering (sorry) is about 115-ish and no amount of drugs, genetic engineering, or yogurt that helps you poop is going to change that. Ok, you say, but what about that French lady that lived to be 122? Shut up say the scientists. She, according to study co-author Professor Jan Vijg, was an outlier.

"Work to better ourselves...did I
did I really say that? Was I high?"

-some space captain

Ok, so thanks to Professor Vijg and the funsassins at AECM, none of us living today will actually get to see the bright, peaceful utopia where everybody gets along and humans have abandoned money in favor of an economic system where we all:

"...work to better ourselves and the rest of humanity."

-Captain Jean-Luc Picard on 

the one Star Trek prediction even 

less plausible than warp drive

Bummer, right? Yeah, sure it is, but not entirely, this is just mostly a bummer.

"Captain, tell me of this thing
you earthmen call, 'the clap.'"

Long lifespans have a downside as well and one that was explored in one of the original Star Trek's stupidest episodes. It's called "The Mark of Gideon" and it's about the planet Gideon whose inhabitants have cured all diseases and increased life-spans to such a degree that overpopulation has run wild and there's not an inch of free space anywhere. Sort of like the Bay Area (burn!). What makes the story so preposterous is that the planet's leader concocts a scheme to trick Captain Kirk into having sex with his daughter so that she can catch some space STD's and re-introduce pathogens to their world.

-huh? I...oh, right. Well ok,
maybe that one time.

Yup, her planet's in trouble and only Captain Kirk can save it. With his junk. Ok, so leaving aside the fact that Gideon's president needed to trick James 'Space-Whore' Kirk into sleeping with a female, and the part of the plan where the Gideonians felt the need to construct an exact replica of the Enterprise to do it instead of, you know, renting a room at the Holiday Inn near the space port. While the episode does point out the dangers of not letting people go gently into that good night, this is totally why I was a Next Generation fan, they never did anything as insultingly stupid as-

Above: the Holodeck where you can have
sex with computer simulations of other
people and no one thinks it's weird.

Ok, so we're doomed to bite it long before calamitous future wars and alien contact inspire us to put aside our petty bullshit and found a space-UN. That doesn't mean we shouldn't celebrate the nerdiest holiday of the year. How? By living the life, that's how. We're probably not going to see Star Trek's predictions come true, fine. 3-D printers are decades away from being replicators, warp drive could easily be a pipe dream and those ridiculous virtual reality headsets are no where near the holodeck, but those aren't the best parts about the future. Well, ok, they are, but they're also like the least attainable, so let's focus on the things we can do.

We can learn to talk to one another instead of resorting to violence, we can accept people's differences and we can just generally be decent to one another. See? It's that easy. Easy, of course, being a relative thing. Let's just say it's somewhat easier than breaking the light barrier. Oh and we can totally dress up like characters from the show. That's totally easy. You can do that today. What are you waiting for?

In fact, don't even wait for a Comic Con, just
go nuts. Like, anytime you want. Fly that flag.

It's like Columbus Day, only less racist!

Hey, today is Leif Erikson Day! Yes, it's once again time to-huh? What's Leif Erikson Day? I pretend you asked. Why, it's the day we set aside to celebrate Icelandic explorer Leif Erikson's voyage to Vinland. Yes Vinland, a.k.a. Canada? Maybe you've heard of it?

No really, I'm asking because according to this 2006 study only 92% of
respondents age 18-24 could find Canada on a map. 92% might sound good,
but that means 8% couldn't. Couldn't find Canada. Not judging, but yikes.

Hm...I gather it's sort of a drunker
version of Colonial Williamsburg.

Yeah, so it was Leif Erikson and not Columbus who became the first European to set foot on America. We know because Vikings loved sagas and the Saga of the Greenlanders contains stories about Leif and his trip to Canada five hundred years before Smallpox McJerkface. I'm not saying that some sagas aren't probably the result of mead and spoiled cod, but this one has archeological evidence to back it up. Erikson founded a few settlements, including Leifsbudir whose purported remains are now a tourist site with actors dressed like vikings and everything so you know it's legit.

"We shall choke the fjords of this new
land with tolerance! Also, your corpses."

-Some Vikings

Leif Erikson Day then is a kind of less racist alternative to Columbus Day. I say less racist because you're not celebrating the calamitous arrival of a ship load of communicable diseases on a continent full of unprepared immune systems. Of course these are Vikings we're talking about and they're weren't necessarily famous for being super-tolerant of people who have stuff they want. I'm not saying that there's any reason to suspect he too was a racist, it's just that Erikson probably wasn't so much interested in exploring new lands and cultures as he was looking for new trade opportunities and possibly plunder and murder.

Anyway, Erikson and pals eventually packed up and went back home leaving a few artifacts and a saga instead of horror and an uncountable number dead left by some other Europeans we could mention, so I suggest you mark the occasion by talking like a Viking. It seems both appropriate and obnoxious. You're friends will hate you. But if they complain, just accuse them of being a tool of Hallmark or corporate interests or something. Like any good holiday, Lief Erikson Day should have a healthy amount of guilt associated with it.

Pictured: an actual Columbus Day card.
Not pictured: jokes about the next 500
years of disease, war and genocide.

Cavalcade: It's a big horse thing.

For crying out loud, can this possibly get any worse? I mean-wait, huh? How can what get any worse? I think you know, but I'm going to say it anyway: the unrelenting shit cavalcade that is Donald Trump.

Pictured: A cavalcade. I looked it up, it's a bunch of horses
and people walking in a line. So this, but of shit.

Maybe he was talking about...uh...no.
He meant exactly what you think he did.

Like I said last time right before going right ahead and talking about him anyway, I am so over talking about Trump but you heard about the thing, right? The video? The one the Washington Times got a hold of where where Trump and Billy Bush from Access Hollywood are being like super-gross talking about women and Trump's talking about how he can totally assault women and it's cool because he's famous? Yeah. And yes, I get that it was recorded back in 2005 and the only reason we're hearing about it now is because there's an election but that doesn't mean he gets a pass.

If you haven't seen it already, go ahead and watch it for yourself. It's probably not going to change your opinion of 'The Donald,' but it will lower your opinion of all the people you know that are going to vote for him. Yes, even further.

Above: the even grosser was the moment when Trump wingman Billy Bush invites
Adrienne Zucker to hug The Donald. You know, after all those things they just said.

Anyway, next came the requisite non-apology:

In other news, bears don't look
for a bathroom. They just go wherever.

"I've never said I'm a perfect person, nor pretended to be someone I'm not. I've said and done things I regret and the words released today on this more than a decade old video are one of them. Anyone who knows me, knows these words don't reflect who I am. I said it, I was wrong and I apologize." 

-Donald Trump on how he's

not perfect. Which I'm sure

comes as a shock to us all...

Above: Trump, totally being changed
by his travels around the country.

What? 'Not' perfect? How magnanimous. And a 'more than a decade old video'? Wow, we must be total hypersensitive hysterics to take offense at a sixty-year old man letching after a woman half his age. He's seventy now and I'm sure has grown a lot since then. Anyway, he goes on:

"I've traveled the country talking about change for America, but my travels have also changed me..."

-Sure, why not?

Oh, ok, so he's ridden around on his campaign bus for the last few months so it's changed him. Sort of like when a high school kids takes a trip to Europe and it totally changes them.

"Yeah, it just gives you like a broader perspective.
Like seeing different cultures and everything..."

-Some teens

Pictured: the ruins of our once great
civilization thanks to eight years
of Democratic rule. Thanks Obama.

"Let's be honest, we're living in the real world this is nothing more than a distraction from the important issues we're facing today. We're loosing our jobs, we're less safe then we were eight years ago and Washington is totally broken. Hillary Clinton and her kind have run our country into the ground I've said some foolish things but there's a big difference between the words and actions of other people. Bill Clinton has actually abused women and Hillary has bullied, attacked, shamed and intimidated his victims. We will discus this more in the coming days. See you at the debate on Sunday"

Also, those horrible comments he made
with Billy Bush were on a bus, so...

Sure, I'll totally agree that this entire election has been about which candidate people hate more and the acrimony has been pretty brutal on both sides but holy shit. And if bringing up these comments ten years after the fact is a distraction how come he's talking about Bill Clinton? Not being a woman, I can't really speak to the unrelenting barrage of misogyny and sexual harassment they face every day, but that's not a distraction. That's a serious problem and I don't think Donald Trump is suddenly cured of being a dick because he took a road trip.

Today in arbitrary percentages...

Sure, yeah, whatever. 70% of regulations. Whatever you say, you know I am so goddamn sick of talking about Donald Trump. That said, let's all pay attention to the ridiculous horseshit that spouted forth from his inarticulate wordhole today.

"Hold on everybody, I'm gonna spout some ridiculous horseshit...
wait...waaaait...it's coming to me...here it is: when I'm President, I'm going
to make homeless people drive rickshaws to save gas. Economy: solved."

Wait, Clinton's only up by 2 points?
Is New Hampshire suddenly half idiots?

At some campaign event in the inexplicably contested state of New Hampshire, Trump said he's going to cut 70% of federal regulations to thunderous grunts of approval from his supporters.

"I would say 70% of regulations can go. It's just stopping business from growing."

-Trump who, as mentioned before, 

lost $950 million and now doesn't have to 

pay taxes because he's good at business

 'Robber Baron' wasn't an affectionate
 nickname. These guys were dicks.

Which regulations? Why 70%? Who gives a shit? Government bad. Business good. Right? I mean except when it's not. Which is like almost all the time. I'm not like an economist or anything, but don't we have regulations because of the incredible abuses carried out by unfettered capitalism? Take the soot-covered, safety last shit show that was early twentieth century industry. A few got rich sure, but the rest were thrust into inescapable poverty and a hopelessness so profound that it took global war to cheer everybody up?

Is that really the best way to go? Again, not an economist, but then this is a guy lost $950 million in one year. I keep harping on that, I know, but for real. $950 million? Dollars? Of money? And he's running on business acumen and hating women. Why is this even close?

Oh right, because about half of us vote not only against
our interests, but in stark defiance of sense and reason.

Hey look, no hands!

First let me say that I am not pro-car accident. I'm not, really, but I'm also a little ambivalent about the new cell phone law that goes into effect in January. Huh? What new cell phone law? This new cell phone law.

Again, to be clear, I agree that this is a problem.

"I told you John C. Reilly was 
in Talladega Niiiiights!" 

On January 1st it will become illegal in California to touch your cell phone with your hand for any reason while driving. No looking at maps, no texting and absolutely no settling stupid arguments by looking something up on IMDB. Which, yeah, I kind of thought that was already illegal, but I guess in January it will become super-duper illegal. On the face of it, it doesn't sound unreasonable. Of course you shouldn't be texting while driving and what kind of idiot is taking selfies on the road? A big huge one, that's what kind.

The law doesn't apply to wireless technology like Bluetooth but that's kind of bunk. My car isn't fancy enough for this feature, but I've ridden in cars that have it and I've never known anyone to be able to pair their phone with their car without it being an exercise in frustration. It randomly drops the connection, pairs with the wrong device or just straight-up doesn't work. It is, and I say this without an ounce of exaggeration, the worst thing ever.

"Pairing is easy. Fist you make your phone discoverable then you
tell the car to search for devices and then when nothing happens you
give up and plug in your wired earbuds because fuck this shit."

"Good question. Step out of the vehicle."

-Some cop

Also, the law's a little sticky about non-wireless use. Using your phone at all is completely illegal except when you have it mounted to the console and can operate it with 'the motion of a single swipe or tap of the driver's finger.' Which, c'mon. Most functions require more than one tap, but let's say you're just answering or hanging up on a call and you miss or if it misreads your tap and you have to try again. How does the cop know how many swipes you made on your phone in your car going past them at 70 miles per hour?

So again, I'm not suggesting that there totally shouldn't be laws about cell phone usage in cars, I'm just saying that the one that's going into effect is kind of ridiculous, full of ambiguity and relies on janky technology and psychic cops.

I'm also not really offering any solutions. I guess we could just ban cell phones in cars
altogether, but then we'd be left with radio on long commutes. Radio. Like goddamn barbarians.

Today in reasons to sharpen our pitchforks...

So remember during the debate last week when Hillary Clinton was all hey, maybe Donald Trump is being squirrelly about releasing his tax records because he hasn't actually paid any federal tax in 18 years? I'm paraphrasing here, but that was the gist. Anyway, Trump made his Grinch Who Stole Christmas face and was like "Because I'm smart."

Right?

"Investing? Why didn't I think of that? Oh well,
guess it's a lifetime of menial labor for me."

-Pretty much everyone

And then everyone's stomach heaved just a little because you know, he's gross. Then the rage set in, because we already hate people like him. No, not racist, misogynist, asshats but rich people who got rich by taking money and using it to make more money instead of, you know, working. It's called investing, I know, but that doesn't mean it isn't infuriating to hear someone who got even richer doing it bragging about tax-evasion. Yeah, even richer. Because in order to be an investor, you already have to have money. It's kind of one of the ways our civilization is broken.

Pictured: one of the many businesses
Trump so smartly ran into the ground.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. First you should get ready to heave-rage again because that not-paying-his-taxes shit? That might be for real. And the kick in the teeth? It might even have been legal. According to the New York Times, Trump declared a loss of $916 million in 1995. That's $916,000,000. Holy shit, how do you loose that much money? By being a tremendously shitty business-douche of course, but it wasn't a problem for Trump because he's smart. Business smart. Loosing all that money is like a get out of tax-free card.

"Disproportionate influence? Nah...
it's probably the one about Jesus."

-Some rich guy

Wai-wah? Yeah. To be clear, I'm just going by the NYT article here, I'm hopeless when it comes these things, but according to some financial expert they interviewed, loosing all that money allowed Trump to make up to $50 million a year without paying taxes on it. So why would the U.S. tax code reward failure for the super-rich, right? Well, maybe the IRS feels the human emotion known as pity, or maybe Jesus just loves rich people more or maybe it's because the wealthy enjoy a disproportionate influence over the writing of the laws.

Above: the puffs for which the
campaign's statement is cuckoo for.

Obviously Trump's campaign issued a statement and also obviously it was cuckoo for cocoa puffs. Like, round the bend. First it suggested that the article was part of a global conspiracy of Democrats to make Trump look shady. Then it goes on to remind us that Hillary Clinton is basically Richard Nixon only worse for deleting emails and that Mr. Trump is an awesome business guy who gives to charity like all the time. Oh, and he totally pays the shit out of his taxes.

"Tell me again how
this thing is even close?"

-Richard Nixon

"Mr. Trump knows the tax code far better than anyone who has ever run for President and he is the only one that knows how to fix it...The incredible skills Mr. Trump has shown in building his business are the skills we need to rebuild this country."

To be clear, their argument is that we should vote for Trump because he knows how to game the system. Oh and also because Hillary Clinton is some kind of shadowy puppet master who secretly runs the New York Times and is just like Nixon.

Look, I'm not a political strategist or anything but you'd think his advisors wouldn't want to lean so hard into his incredible business skills since they include declaring bankruptcy, laying off thousands of employees and then reporting massive losses as a way to avoid paying taxes on the $45 million a year he got from his gameshow. Like these aren't reasons to vote for him, these are reasons to show up at his castle with pitchforks and torches.

Good luck Chapter 11-ing your way out of this one...

Today in sexy spaceships...

Have you ever looked up at the stars and wondered what it we be like if we could strand humans on the arid, radiation-baked wastes of another planet? You have? Well then you are clearly some kind of monster. Or possibly Elon Musk.

"Monster? Yeah, monster like a fox."

-Elon Musk on his

ridiculous scheme

Space-X's advanced new rocket thrusting
out into space on it's way to penetrate
the supple atmosphere of Mars. What?

Today at The International Astronautical Congress in Guadalajara, Mexico, Elon Musk announced-hey, is it me or does The International Astronautical Congress sound like something totally made up? I'm not saying it is, and this is like there 67th big meeting, but still. Anyway, Musk presented a three and a half minute, totally not sexual video about how he's going to put humans on Mars. Wait, who said sexual? Step one, super phallic spaceship is launched into a parking orbit. Step two, the booster rocket re-enters the atmosphere, lands back on its platform and picks up a fuel tank, launches again.

Once back in orbit, the booster releases its load and-huh? The fuel pod. What did you think I meant? Anyway, the pod then hooks up with the spaceship and exchanges fluids-you know what? Fluids. Liquid fuel. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Pictured: Space-X's passenger module and fuel pod totally doin' it.

Above: an unrelated picture of Arizona.
Here for no reason, of course...

Fully engorged...with fuel, the spaceship then deploys some kind of crazy sci-fi solar sail and the passengers spend the next two and a half years learning to despise one another and seriously regret their decision to let Elon freaking Musk launch them on a one way trip to an empty, dry, inhospitable landscape. Ok, I'm probably making it sound way worse than it really is and Musk's plan is to send waves of passenger ships and over the next forty years establish a self-sufficient colony.

"Hey everyone, it's me, the only human
on Mars? So what's new on Earth?
Did we ever get Winds of Winter?"

So where do you sign up? Nowhere, that's where. At present, sending people to Mars is not only super-risky but also stupendously expensive. $10 billion per person according to Musk. Yeah, billion with a B. Musk with an M. But he's hoping that scientific advances will bring that down a bit. Like, to $200,000. Which, ok, more power to you. But seriously, you do not want to be an early adopter on this. Like, what if the technology doesn't get cheaper? Sure, you'd be the goddamn Leif Erikson of Mars, but if SpaceX ever goes out of business you're kind of screwed.

Yes. Exactly that safe.

Also, even if SpaceX is around forever-and why wouldn't it be? Tech companies, right? Safe as houses. Anyway, it sounds like the first few decades of living on Mars are going to suck. It'll be all building pressure domes and growing space crops. Sure, maybe I lack the frontier spirit, but for real, nobody ever plays Oregon Trail and thinks to themselves, man, sure wish I lived back then. A life of perpetual toil and the prospect of death lurking around every corner?

I don't know about you, but I don't think Elon Musk's pornographic space shuttles are quite there yet. Instead, I suggest you wait forty years and book a cheep flight to the bustling spaceport in New Muskville or whatever. Get a hotel room, see the sights and enjoy the fact that you didn't spend the last four decades absorbing cosmic radiation and peeing in your space suit.

"Hey Nicole, get your ass to Mars! Get it? Like Ahhhnoold?

"Kevin, if you say that one more time I'm going to crack your faceplate and watch you suffocate. 

I will laugh as you writhe in agony in the dust of this rusty shithole of a planet. Swear to God."