Monday, January 16, 2017

Today in greasy, pizza-themed food products...

So I think this belongs on the list of those things future archeologists, whom I assume will be evolved apes, will one day find among the ruins of our once proud civilization and say: 'Here is yet another sign of the impending collapse these people ignored. Let's learn from them and never build pizza ATM's.'
"We found this so-called Pizza ATM alongside some e-cigarettes
and some red baseball caps inviting us to make America great
again. We're fairly certain this was the end for the humans."

-Dr. Zaius
"Just like your Grandma used to extrude..."
Yes, pizza ATM's, which, ok, first of all ATM stands for automatic teller machine so right off the bat these are the stupidest things ever patented. The Pizza ATM, manufactured by a French company called Pauline, is really just a vending machine. A complicated one, but still a vending machine. How it works is that you select your toppings on a touch screen and then the machine, I don't know, squirts? No, that sounds gross, it extrudes them onto a pre-baked, pre-tossed crust, reheats it and then dispenses it into a cardboard box.

Although if someone can figure out a
way to stream pizza, they're screwed.
The thing has been test marketed at Xavier University in Ohio since August and has apparently been a success as Pauline is now rolling them out to other schools across North America. Although I'm not sure that's a gauge of how good the pizza is; college kids are sort of famous for a willingness to eat anything. That's not a disparagement, that's an economic fact. With text books and supplies costing something like $1,300 per semester, something that isn't ramen probably looks pretty ok even if it did come out of a glorified Redox.

"I get paid to unclog the sauce nozzle.
If you want me to wash my hands
that's going to cost you extra..."
Yeah, I get that I'm being pretty judgey about the thing. I'd like to say it's because I'm feeling sorry for the underpaid and overworked pizza delivery drivers and Domino's franchisees these machines would be taking business away from, but really it's the idea of eating food prepared by a turn-key vending machine. Does that make me a snob? Probably, but I think I have some valid questions, like, how long do the ingredients sit in these things? Do they get inspected by the health department? And how often does someone come in and hose these out? Because I guarantee you it's not every day.

But I guess I'm not really the target audience for this thing. It probably sounds like a better idea if you're a college student whose kitchen facilities consist of a filthy common-area microwave and a hotplate then I guess that a hot, cheap meal ready in three minutes is pretty appealing for a generation that grew up with the instant gratification of Amazon Prime and streaming video. You know, until the cramps and intestinal woe that comes from subsisting on a diet of vending machine pizza sets in.
"We love it! Not having to wait for pizza leaves us
more time to contemplate our crushing student debt."
-XU Students

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