No really, it's called Faceglory.

Which is to say, everything.

So do you love social networking but can't stand the constant barrage of pornography, swears and gayness that Facebook constantly throws at you and your delicate sensibilities? Well you're in luck because some Evangelical web designers in Brazil (apparently they have them there too) have come up with a Christian Facebook knockoff and it's called, I shit you not, Faceglória. It's exactly what you think it is: Facebook with a bunch of extra restrictions that prevent people from posting anything that might potentially offend Evangelicals.

No profanity, no nudity, no sexually suggestive comments, and definitely no gay stuff. You know how Jesus feels about gay stuff...well, ok, no you don't, no one does. Jesus never actually says anything about gay people anywhere in the Bible, but the I guess the founders of Faceglória are going to go ahead on err on the side of no homo.

"The meek shall inherit...judge not...nope,
nothing about the gays. So maybe shut up?"

-Jesus

Well, cesspit of depravity might be a
little strong, but seriously? Knock it
off with the goddamn game invites.

"On Facebook you see a lot of violence and pornography. That's why we thought of creating a network where we could talk about God, love and to spread His word..."

-Alita Barros, web designer and co-fou-

since when is Facebook full of porn?

I'm not like religious or anything so maybe I don't pick up on it like she does, but is Facebook really the cesspit of depravity she's making it out to be? 

Aren't they kind of saying that Christians are so fragile and ill-equipped to deal with the world around them, that they have to have their own, suckier version of things? 

It's like Guitar Hero, but instead of the eternal damnation that comes
along with listening to Aerosmith you can rock out with Jars of Clay.

"Drink this, uh...Ocean Spray
Cranberry juice...for it is my blood..."

-Jesus Christ, Alcho-Wizard

Like Facebook, there are people whose job it is to manually delete offensive (i.e.:gay/swear/nipple) posts not caught by the filters. Unlike Facebook's watchdogs however, Faceglória uses volunteers which means that somewhere in an office building in Brazil, there're twenty sanctimonious unpaid interns pouring over user posts and photos making sure that no one takes anyone's name in vane or is wearing a revealing swimsuit or even holding a beer. No really, alcohol and tobacco are enough to get a picture deleted which is weird because wine is one of Jesus's superpowers.

What? Was Gloryface taken?

Anyway, like I said the site was started in Brazil where I assume the name Faceglória sounds less ridiculous, but the designers hope it will catch on around the world.

"Out network is global. We have bought the Faceglory domain name in English and in all possible languages. We want to take on Facebook and Twitter here and everywhere,"

-Acir dos Santos, Faceglory co-founder

And maybe that's the thing I find the most surprising about Faceglory. Not to paint all of Brazil with the same brush, but uptight religiosity isn't a phrase I would have associated with a people famous for a six-day, nation-wide Catholic celebration of nipple tassels. 

Maybe there's another country called Brazil?