Saturday, April 18, 2015

This is why nobody likes Maggie Gallagher...

"I'm sorry hun, but if Maggie Gallagher
won't celebrate our love, what's the
point of getting gay-married at all?"
Check out this piece from The National Review and then go shower.

"The problem for me in celebrating your gay wedding, as much as I love you, is that I would be witnessing and celebrating your attempt not only to commit yourself to a relationship that keeps you from God's plan but, worse, I would be witnessing and celebrating your attempt to hold the man you love to a vow that he will avoid God's plan. To vow oneself to sin is one thing, to try to hold someone you love to it-that's not something I can celebrate."

-Maggie Gallagher, under the mistaken
impression that gay people would invite
her to their wedding in the first place

You know, she could've just checked
the 'will not attend' box...
Back? Great. That was Maggie Gallagher, former head of the National Organization for Marriage envisioning a scenario in which an imaginary gay couple invited her to their wedding, and then sat down with her while she launched into a lengthy, one-sided lecture about gay people, the law and the Bible. Holy shit if there's one thing the world totally needs more of, it's people voicing their religious objections to same-sex marriage.

So like why is a bitter busy-body with a phantom husband and a grossly optimistic estimation of the likelihood that anyone would want her to come to their wedding having op-ed conversations with pretend gay people? Because asking conservatives to chime in on gay wedding attendance is for some reason in right now.
Oooh...maybe she could hire herself out as wedding entertainment.
Like, instead of a DJ, gay couples could get Gallagher to sit in the
corner and quote the Bible at them? Hey Maggie, call me!
Taupe? They went with taupe? You know,
I might have to go with Rubio on this-
oh, he meant he disagrees with lesbians...
Last week someone asked Marco Rubio if he would attend a same-sex wedding. Hypothetically asked, that is. No actual gay couple is going to want to hang out with Rubio either.

"I'm not going to hurt them simply because I disagree with a choice they've made of because I disagree with a decision they've made or whatever it may be..."

-Marco Rubio, compassionate,
yet incredibly judgey conservative

So he said he would go, but then it kind of sounds like part way through he suddenly remembered that homophobes make up like 80% of the GOP's key demo, so he then went on to qualify his answer with some bullshit about how being gay is a choice.
"I'll eat their bacon wrapped shrimp and enjoy the open bar, but I'll be thinking about how they're going to hell.
For being gay I mean. The Bible isn't keen on shellfish and pork either, but I'm not made of stone..."

-Marco Rubio, cherry-picking Leviticus 
"No really, look out!"
-Ted Cruz, shortly before running
in the opposite direction
Next, the question was put to Rick 'Hates Your Gayby' Santorum and Ted Cruz. They answered 'no, but some of my friends are gay' and 'mumble, mumble...hey look out behind you!' respectively. The goal here among GOP presidential hopefuls seems to be to appear opposed to same-sex marriage, but not rabid-foam, crazy anti-gay opposed. Which is kind of weird, given that the GOP is the party of people who think that gay marriage causes hurricanes.

"I'm super-Christian and while I don't hate gay people, I do wish they'd stop being so gay." 

-Every Republican who would 
like to run for President next year
Above: a gay Republican.
I'm not saying that everyone who votes Republican is a homophobe, or that there's no such thing as a gay Republican, it's just that as a party they actively court the vote of people who believe that America is only one or two more gay weddings away from being consumed in the fires of divine wrath. These guys saying that as President, they might not come to your godless ceremony, but they also probably won't have you rounded up and shipped off to Canada either, is not going to win them any progressive votes, so why not just go full Gallagher on this issue?

Look, I've been to tons of straight weddings where I'm pretty sure I thought the couple getting married was making a huge mistake, but I never pretended that I spoke for God. The point I think everyone is missing here, is that if someone asks you to attend their wedding, they're not asking for your approval, they're asking you show up, dance and maybe buy them something from Pottery Barn. Is that so hard?
Just go check out the registry and pick the gift that says I disapprove of you 
and everything you stand for. Spoiler alert: it's probably a $40 butter dish.

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