Friday, March 15, 2013

DOMA arigato Senator Portman!

Anyone else just get a warm fuzzy? 'Cause Republican Senator Rob Portman of Ohio just got on board with the gay marriage thing. It seems he finally saw the light after his son came out...two years after his son came out, but hey, progress, right?
"Vote Republican in 2120! We're finally cool with gay people and cyborgs.
You know, as long as they're not all in our face about it..."
Ironic advice given the source...
Of course, it wasn't just his son that helped Senator Portman get over the fact that there are gay people. He also consulted friends, clergy, and the opposite of both of these things, Dick Cheney. Yeah, Dick Cheney. Why him? Well, his daughter is a lesbian so that makes him the closest thing the GOP has to an expert on gayness outside of the wide-stance bathroom guy. The former Vice President told the Senator to 'follow his heart.' Follow your heart? Um...can you imagine those words belching forth from between Dick Cheney's jowls? Like just visualize that...

They get bonus points if they can
work Ronald Reagan in as well.
Of course as a Republican, Senator Portman is also required by the party's charter to reference the Bible in any and all public statements, so here's what else he said:

"The overriding message of love and compassion that I take from the Bible, and certainly the Golden Rule, and the fact that I believe we are all created by our maker, that has all influenced me in terms of my change on this a way, this strengthens the institution of marriage."
"Huh...sounds like something I'd say...
maybe somewhere in the back?"


Holy shit, hang on a sec, did a conservative, Christian politician just use the Bible to make the case that everyone should be treated equally? I mean, is that even in there? I was starting to get the impression that the Bible was some kind of thousand-page right-wing rant against gays, evolution and the estate tax. It's kind of refreshing to hear someone refer to the general message of  'be cool and just get along' instead of focusing on all the stoning and smiting.

1996: remembered for its anti-gay legislation
and its comically primitive cellphones.
So, the gay son, plus sage advice straight from the man-safe with just a dash of do unto others. That's quite a 180...or should I say one-gay-ty (no, no I shouldn't) for one of the sponsors of Defense of Marriage Act. Yeah, freaking DOMA. Remember that? Back in 1996 the Republican-controlled* Senate and House passed a piece of legislation that among other things said that states wouldn't have to recognize same-sex marriages performed in other states and that the Federal Government wouldn't recognize them at all.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of the Republican Party to defend it from gay people, marriage, as we all know, is now a sacred, eternal bond between man and woman and divorce is a thing of the past. 
"Our marriage would have ended in a bitter divorce years ago if the Federal Government 
recognized same-sex couple's right to tax breaks, health care and survivor's benefits. Thanks DOMA!" 
-Straight couples
Above: Pretty much.
Anyway, with the constitutionality of DOMA finally going in front of the Supreme Court later this month, Portman has chosen to stand up for what's right. Good for him. He joins with the dozens of...uh,, with the zero other Republican Congresspeople who support marriage equality? Seriously? Zero? Portman says that as far as he knows he's the only one in Congress to have come over to the dark side, but I don't believe it. He can not be the only Republican with a personal stake in this. It's math.

"Wow hon, dinner looks great. By the way,
I'm gay and leaving you for another man."
The idea that there are 45 Republicans in the Senate and another 232 in the House and only one of them has a gay child or sibling or is gay themselves is bullshit. Easter is coming up soon and it's traditionally a time for big family dinners so if you're gay and are related to a Republican, now would be a great time to come out to the fam. Not only will it increase the likelihood of hilarious spit takes (if you time it right) it should also shame your politician relatives into doing the right thing.

*By the way...
As much as I was hoping that noted adulterer and Moon-King Newt Gingrich was in on this whole DOMA thing, alas he wasn't there that day, I looked it up and everything. So where was he? Got me:
Although there's a decent chance he was busy
schtupping this woman, who wasn't his wife at the time.

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