I think someone needs to check the math...

Yeah, mandatory gun ownership. There's this town in Maine that's going to vote today on whether or not to require people to own a gun. If you said 'what the fuck for?' you'd be in good company.

Laugh all you want, but when phalanx after phalanx of crimson-clad, elite, bilingual Canadian
warriors pour over our border you'll wish you were packing some town-ordinance mandated firepower. 

The Gunderson-Willis wedding in
Ballroom C was legally a hamlet.

Ok, so to call Byron, Maine a town is kind of being generous as there's only like a hundred and forty people living in it. Population-wise it's more like a medium-sized wedding reception, but with more firepower. And since most Byronians already own guns the ordinance is more about symbolism. Not literary symbolism of course, but the crazy reactionary kind felt by the people you thought were normal until they started sharing Tea-Party slogans and out-of-context Bible verses on Facebook. You know, the people you block?

"Silence interloper!"

-Typical meeting of the

Board of Selectmen, Byron, ME

Byron's Board of Selectmen already passed the ordinance and have put it to the townspeople to vote on. And no, I don't know what a Board of Selectmen is either. I guess it's like a city council, but I picture poorly lit, ominous figures in robes.

"It was never my intention to force anyone to own a gun who doesn't want to. My purpose is to make a statement in support of the Second Amendment..." 

-Head Selectman Anne Simmons-Edmund

the proposer of the thing 

The law would carry the about the
same legal weight as Leif Erikson Day

In many ways-wait, what? Yeah, I also think it's a little odd that she's not Head Selectwoman. Anyway, whatever her title is, her proposal is kind of bullshit to begin with. According to the story, Maine law doesn't allow towns to legislate on firearms. So even if 'force people to own a gun' law passed, it wouldn't really be a thing. So why waste everyones time? Well, publicity probably. She's trying to show that there are actual responsible people out there who take their gun ownership seriously and who feel threatened by recent laws restricting guns and ammunition. 

Because curious students could never
get past the locks on these babies.

Ok, I guess I can respect her position...sort of...I assume most gun owners are responsible, level-headed people, right? I mean, we haven't all been gun-murdered have we? I would have thought that passing an ordinance requiring more gun safety classes or handing out lock boxes to gun owners might make more sense but hey, I'm not the Head Selectman. In any case pretending to require your 139 neighbors to to pack heat is practically sane compared to this shit. South Dakota just joined Utah and Texas on the list of states that allow teachers and school staff to carry guns in school. What could possibly go wrong?  

I know gun people are a little jittery right now given the number of massacres their hobby is linked to, but for real. Even the teachers in South Dakota agree that this is NRA knee-jerk lunacy. Like, how can the solution to gun violence possibly be more goddamn guns?

How? The same way the solution to the problem of drug addition is more goddamn meth.