Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Good News, Bad News

Mmm...dippin' sauce!
Hey, check this out. According to the Government, the world isn't coming to an end after all. In an effort to stem the tide of doom-related hysteria currently gripping our nation's idiots, the Government has posted on its blog (yes, the Government has a blog now) that the rumors about the Mayan calendar predicting the end of the world are just rumors and we should all go back to our TV watching and Bloomin Onions®. Well, that's a relief, thanks the Government! In other news, we're boned according to a new study.

"It's bullshit, I mean, c'mon. Now if there are
no further
 questions, I've got science to do." 
Anyway back to doomsday, the blog even has some links to NASA videos which debunk the loony-toon theories about rogue planets, comets and, I presume, Quetzalcoatl. That's right, they actually took valuable time and resources away from inventing warp drive to try and reassure the tin foil hat crowd that the world isn't coming to an end. I don't know, I feel like if there are still people out there freaking out because they read too many Tim Lehaye books or watched too many History Chanel 'documentaries' about The End Times no amount of reason is going to talk them down.

Look, I don't want to see anyone to go Heaven's Gate on us. I really don't. There are few things more upsetting than people screwing up their lives for the sake of crazy bunk theories. Remember Harold Camping and the May 21st, 2011 thing? Holy shit, these people sold their houses in anticipation of the Rapture. Yeah, whoops.
You never see anyone in their 20's with their lives ahead of them
predicting the end of the world...hmmm, I wonder why that is...
"Natural cycle my ass..."
-Polar Bears
What's worse is that there are so many real and scientifically plausible reasons to be worried. Take this new and dire warning about climate change. Now scienceticians are thinking that carbon emissions might up the average temperature by 9ºF by the end of the century instead of the hoped for limit of 2º. Look, I don't know much about you know, climate-science but that sounds catastrophic. Shouldn't we all be freaking out? We just watched Queens flood on CNN, but because Nostradamus didn't predict polar bears drowning, climate change isn't on the popular radar.

So I had a thought, maybe we should take a page from the crazy book and try dressing up real life predictions as pseudo-science. Maybe have someone at NASA 'uncover' some lost Bible passage about carbon footprints or solar energy. Sure it's lying, but it's lying for science. That's ok, right?
"And lo it is written that in the year of two-thousand and thirteen carbon
emissions must be reduce-ed by 8% lest woe be upon you all."
-Steve McMillan, head of Soothsaying
and Portents for NASA

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