It's like Oprah's Book Club, but rage-fueled...

I mean seriously, Jeff Bezos doesn't
need any more goddamn money. 

Fun fact about me, I work in a bookstore and-huh? Yes, those are still a thing. Shut up. Also, shop at bookstores. Anyway, I work at a bookstore and Micheal Wolff's Fire and Fury was supposed to be just another book about this preposterous administration, but then the President lost his ever-loving mind about it on Twitter and then tried to get a cease and desist order to prevent the publisher from distributing it. So I don't know shit about being a President, but I'm pretty sure the smart thing to do would have been to ignore it.

But, like I said, he chose to take the high road:

Yeah, the high road. It's up high and therefore easier to punch down from.

Try and get the book suppressed?
Yeah, that sounds like something
an innocent person would do.

So while I don't think much of Donald Trump's ability to hold high office (or run a business, or be a person), I do have to admit that the man can really sell books. As long as they're scathing tell-all's about how his staff and advisors all think he's a raving, thin-skinned man-baby. Despite of, or really because of the Presiden't rabid-foam insistence that the book is full of lies and should be banned, the book was released yesterday, four days early. Trump called Wolff a liar, Wolff gave interviews basically saying 'This fuckin' guy, am I right?' and now Fire and Fury is sold out forever. Win.

Fortunately, the President took to Twitter to set the record straight. Not about anything in the book, not directly, instead to make sure we all know how brilliant and even-keeled he'd like us to think he is. You know, in sharp contrast to everything he's ever said or done:

Wait, it gets better...

...see?

"Yep, went down in flames...with three
million more votes than you got...dick."

So first of all, I would have thought that his two greatest assets would have been his inherited wealth and the real estate company he ran with his father in the 1970's. You know, the one that systematically discriminated against Black renters? They got sued by the government, but his layer, Roy Cohn-yes, that Roy Cohn, countersued and they settled. But not after comparing the government to Nazis. Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, Hillary Clinton. Because this has something to do with her. Somehow?

Nope, nothing Orwellian and
batshit insane going on here. 

Wait, that's not right, we were talking about the President's insane Twitter rant (Twant?) about how stable he is. Nothing unstable about that. Speaking of stable, did you see that the President had Sarah Sanders kick off the press briefing on Thursday with a pre-recorded video of him talking about how awesome that tax bill he shoved down our throats is? Yeah, he was in the next room, but this way he doesn't have to take questions or look into the incredulous faces of the assembled reporters. 

But whatever, back to Fire and Fury. So far, the reviews I've read have been tossing around phrases like substance-light and gossipy and all seem to agree that while the accusations of chaos and instability are not not damning, it doesn't really say anything we don't all ready know. In many ways the genius move here is that the President's tantrum is going to take an unremarkable book and make it a best seller.

Look, Michael, I don't like him any more than you do, but
 he kind of made your career. Maybe send him a gift basket?

Vigilance in the face of widespread unicorns!

Above: The woman America voted for
delivering her concession speech.
Because democracy...I guess...

Well I hope you happy everybody, the President has dissolved the voter fraud commission. Huh? "What voter fraud commission?" Yeah, I'm not surprised this one slipped under the radar. Trump put the commission together back in May and gave them a directive investigate the 2016 election. "But wait,' you say, 'didn't he win that election?' Yes, technically. But if you recall he just won the electoral college, most of us voted for Hillary Clinton. Man, where would the GOP be without the electoral college?

You could ask them, but the answer is
mostly red-faced anger and something
about Hillary Clinton's emails.

Anyway, the now defunct voter fraud commission, was set up to look into the millions of illegal votes the President insists must have been cast in a vast Democratic conspiracy which, while ultimately unsuccessful did manage to rob the President of the popular vote. After all, why would the majority of voters choose a qualified, even-tempered former Senator and Secretary of State who unarguably trounced him in three debates over a ragingly misogynistic ex-gameshow host who ran on a platform of racism and locking up his opponent?

Pictured: the President, pouting,
behind the Resolute desk.

Ok, so why shut down commission? In a statement he made last night, Trump said:

"Despite substantial evidence of voter fraud, many states have refused to provide the Presidential Advisory Commission on Election Integrity with basic information relevant to its inquiry..."

-The President, probably 

while pouting behind the 

Resolute desk-hey look!

"Anyone here vote for crooked Hillary?
No? Thought not. I rest my case."

-President Trump, speaking at

a rally he held for himself

He's referring to the commission's demand that states turn over voter information including names, birth dates, partial social security numbers and voting history. A demand that states balked at because saying 'widespread voter fraud' is a little like saying 'widespread unicorns.' The 'substantial evidence' the President is referring to is apparently his firmly held belief that he's awesome and that everyone loves him. Which I suppose I can forgive him given the amount to time he spends with sycophants on his golf course or holding rallies for himself.

In addition to being a preposterous waste of tax payer money with the sole intent of assuaging the President's bruised ego, there was also concern that the commission's secondary goal was to justify new and interesting ways to restrict voting. Don't believe me? Lookit this:

Whaaaaaat? A tweet from the President?

Oh right, because of the Nazi thing...

Yup, that's Trump saying that the commission was thwarted by Democrats who wanted to hide all the voter fraud he made up, and then calling for voter I.D. laws which statistically discourage minority voters. The President, if you recall, kind of made it part of his platform to stroke white male conservatives who are feeling under-appreciated and get them to vote against their rational interests and for someone who will make America white again. Sorry, did I say white? Why did I think that was the slogan?

The frosting tastes like comeuppance!

Did they even stop to consider how
their gayness makes jerks feel? 

Oh yes long, drawn out court case fans, the apparently endless saga of Melissa and Aaron Klein is finally over. You might remember them as the Oregon bakers who, under direct orders from Jesus himself (source: the Bible...somewhere in the back), refused to bake a wedding cake for Rachel and Laurel Bowman-Cryer. The Bowman-Cryers, a lesbian couple who demanded that the Kleins risk eternal damnation just to satisfy their selfish wish to be treated as fellow humans living in the world took their outrageous demand to the Oregon Bureau of Labor and Industries and guess what happened?

Did you guess massive fines? Because massive fine there were indeed. $135,000 worth in fact. The Kleins quickly shut down their bakery, Sweet Cakes by Melissa, and embarked on a new project: Lengthy Appeals Process by Melissa's Lawyer.

The Kleins probably would have avoided a lot of trouble if they'd called the place
'Sweet Cakes by Mellissa for customers whose sex lives we approve of.'

*I may have made that last part up,
but wouldn't that have been awesome?

They argued that the OBLI violated their freedom of speech-by which I guess they mean their freedom to discriminate against anyone for any reason they wish, because Jesus. But a three judge panel wasn't having it and now, more than four years after the moment the Kleins probably should have done some serious self-evaluation, read that Bible they're so fond of thumping, apologized to the Bowman-Cryers and then just made them a goddamn wedding cake, the Kleins are out of do-overs, the fine's been paid and they've been ordered to bake a cake in the shape of a sad trombone and to write 'wah-wah' on it.*

Oh, and just in case you kind of feel bad for the Kleins, I don't, but you might be a better person than I am, anyway, you should keep in mind that after the Bowman-Cryers complained, the Kleins posted the women's names and address on Facebook so that homophobes could harass them. Anyway, I hope you'll join me in enjoying a nice thick slice of schadenfreude with comeuppance icing.

"Dox not, lest ye be doxed"

-Jesus, probably, I mean
I'm no theologian

Not with a bang, but with a weiner...

Zoos, circuses, Marcel on Friends, let's
face it, we've kind of had it coming.

So obviously, someday, somehow, civilization is going to come to an end. Not like a Roman Empire kind of thing where everything falls apart and we all just slog through 800 years of feudalism and leech-based medical care, but like an extinction of the human race on earth. It's inevitable. Nothing lasts forever, not even us. But out of all the possible doomsday scenarios: climate change, pandemics, ape-rising, do you know how I really don't want to see the world end? Go on, guess...I'll give you a hint: it involves the President.

If you said 'global nuclear conflict resulting from an insecure gameshow host provoking an ICBM-armed autocratic man-baby over whose dick is bigger,' congratulations:

Depleted and food starved? Sick burn!

If the military has any sense, they'll have
swapped the real nuclear football out for
an old alarm clock or something.

Yes, that's an actual tweet sent out by the actual President. Well, at least the guy who technically won the electoral college. Anyway, I have some problems with this tweet. For one, I don't think Kim Jong Un was being literal when he recently and war-mongeringly (a word, I assure you) referred to the nuclear button on his desk. It's probably in a bunker or something. Second, Donald Trump doesn't have a nuclear button either. It's a suitcase handcuffed to a Marine and while a button or buttons are probably involved, I doubt that the size of the button is in any way relevant. 

Now I'm sure White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders would call us all filthy, filthy perverts for even thinking this, but this is clearly about penises. Granted, thanks to America's eye-wateringly massive military budget, our nuclear arsenal outstrips North Korea's by like a million to one, but can you look at that tweet and the man who wrote it and honestly argue that he's not bragging about his own dick? No? Thought not.

"How dare you impugn our President by suggesting that this tweet was some kind of
juvenile joke. It was a simple, reckless provocation. Nothing more. You people disgust me."

-Sarah Huckabee Sanders,

spin-wizard

Guys? I'm looking at you...

I know that technically being a dangerous chest thumping buffoon isn't in itself an impeachable offense, and neither is using a dick joke to dare a hostile country's leader to launch his missiles. Although it probably should be. I can accept that, but isn't there someone, anyone that can step in and talk him down? Maybe someone from his staff or from the party who insanely let him run on their ticket? Or at the very least take away his goddamn twitter account before he brings us any closer to the total extinction of the human race?

Alright, who said it couldn't get any worse?

There's always next year...

Sigh... so after the unmitigated shit show that was 2016, especially that last bit, say from November on, I think we all were kind of hoping that 2017 would would be better. We were, of course, wrong to hope that. I mean, what possible improvement was January 1st 2017 supposed to bring? All of us waking up and discovering it was all a dream? Hillary Clinton popping out at the inauguration, shouting 'Gotcha!' and taking the oath herself? Or maybe just some kind of gamma ray burst or asteroid collision.

But here we are, about to watch the odometer roll over to 2018, unable to believe that things could possibly get any worse, yet also somehow aware that they probably will and that no amount of repeating 'computer end program' is going to help.

I'm not saying don't give it a try, just prepare to be disappointed.

We're basically real life's NPC's, there
to make famous people look more
heroic/rich/important by comparison.

I guess the important thing to do is to keep a positive outlook and greet the new year with a sense of hope and wide-eyed wonder, not just because it's the only way to stay sane, but because it's that unique American optimism that has always seen us through difficult times. In that spirit, let us dive in to the traditional review of all the people who have died this year. And as always, I remind you that this is a list of famous people, not the countless, nameless nobodies like you and me, people who've made a difference in the world.

"I told you to keep it down!"

-God, apparently

 not a music fan

Anyway, enough contemplating our insignificant place in the world, on to our pointless list. The Earth's largest natural satellite lost last man on the moon Eugene Cernan and 'guy who flew to, but didn't land on the moon,' Dick Gordon. In pretend astronauts, the crew of the Nostromo lost John Hurt and Harry Dean Stanton from the movie Alien. Music lost, and hang on this is a long list, Chris Cornell from Sound Garden, heartbreaker Tom Petty, Allman brother Greg Allman, and Walter Becker from Steely Dan.

1950's rock and roll pioneers Fats Domino and Chuck Berry whom you might remember as the guy the movie 'Back to the Future' suggested owed his entire career to ripping off a time traveling, white suburban kid.

"Thank you mysterious stranger, the people of our time owe
you a debt of gratitude and shall build statues in your honor."

-Some guy thanking Marty

for fucking with causality

for his own amusement

Is there some thematic connection between
bunnies and boating that I'm missing?

Actor and playwright Sam Shepard died, as did Stephen Furst. Most people remember him from St. Elsewhere or from Animal House, but to we nerds he will always be Vir Cotto from Babylon 5. Della Reese from Touched By an Angel is dead and so is Roger Moore, the second James Bond. Speaking of toxic masculinity (I mean Bond, not Roger Moore), the field of objectifying women lost noted smoking jacket wearer Hugh Hefner which, yes, that's sad, but again: he spent like 70 years making a career out of creeping around his mansion dressed like a sleazy sea captain and paying women to demean themselves.

But I'm kinda not kidding...

Anyway, fans of safe, family friendly TV shows that once sheltered Americans from the harsh reality of living in the shadow of nuclear annihilation lost Partridge Family teen heartthrob/musician David Cassidy. Robert Guillaume from Benson died. Adam West the unrepentantly campy Batman of the 1960's is gone as is Rose Marie who played a female comedy writer on The Dick Van Dyke Show at a time when doctors prescribed cigarettes to women to treat hysteria. I'm kidding. It was usually pills.

And in a Dick Van Dyke double whammy, earlier this year the world also lost Mary Tyler Moore who played Laura Petrie but who is probably better remembered for starring in the imaginatively named and way ahead of its time Mary Tyler Moore Show.

Since Moore starred as a single, unmarried career woman in a position of authority, CBS
executives initially classified The Mary Tyler Moore Show as science fiction. Because the 70's.

"Why should I give a shit? I'm seventy."

-Everything wrong 

with America

In more abstract concepts, whatever tattered remains of America's credibility on the world stage died when President Trump pulled us out of the Paris agreement on climate change back in June because he'll be damned if he's gonna let the French tell us what we can and can't despoil. And then just the other day in response to the brutal winter in the North East, he made a funny funny joke about how we could use some global warming. You see it's funny because idiots think climate and weather are the same thing. Also they get to vote. That's funny, right?

"Wait 'till you see what I've got for you in
2018. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised."

I could go on and on about politics and how we all have front row seats to the systematic dismantling and looting of the country that brought the world freedom, democracy and, more recently fidget spinners, but I all ready have. Like, two out of every three blog posts this year have been my blinking, sputtering shock at how preposterously low the GOP is willing to sink or how brazenly Sarah Huckabee Sanders can spout abject horseshit while simultaneously calling us all idiots for not buying it. She is, after all, a goddamn spin wizard.

The only thing it's missing is hours of
 tutorials and motion controls that suck.

Civility is dead and political discourse has been reduced to a fight on The Real Housewives of Orange County. Super. But why dwell? Let's look at the few shinning examples of good things to come out of 2017. As nerds we've had a pretty good year. Gamers got new a new Zelda game, in fact the best entry in the series in like fifteen years and a new Mario, not to mention the slightly less impossible to find SNES Classic: a whole 'other way to give Nintendo your money in exchange for games you probably already own.

Although if you're complaining that
the llama/rabbit chase scene was some
prequel bullshit, I'll allow that. It was. 

In movies we finally got not just a decent DC movie, but an actual great one in the form of Wonder Woman, and I don't know about you but I loved the shit out of Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Wait, no, I do know about you, and you also liked it. If you think you didn't, you're probably mistaken, so please stop complaining about it on Metacritic. And to address your concerns: yes, Luke is human and would totally do that, no, Kylo isn't whiney, he's angry, you would be too and for the record Holdo didn't tell Poe shit because for all she knows there's a spy onboard.

What part of nine accusations of sexual
assault on underage women was unclear?

In more substantive news, noted child Molester Roy Moore was defeated in his bid for the Alabama Senate. Less encouraging was the fact that it was super close and that everyone who voted for him did so out of spite for Democrats. Or, I suppose, love of statutory rape. But a win's a win and maybe the best thing to come out of 2017 is that we all took a long hard look at American culture and suddenly decided that we should give a shit about victims of sexual misconduct which is a surprising reversal from the rest of human history.

There're now apparently consequences for celebrities and political figures who used their power and influence to get away with harassment and assault. Consequences like ruined careers, lawsuits and getting replaced by Christopher Plummer. Let's hope this trend continues. Hmm...President Christopher Plummer. I kind of like the sound of that. Anyway, Happy New Year! I'm sure it can't get any worse.

"Nation heading down the drain? Time to call the Plummer."

-Paid for by Plummer 2020

The Dork Crystal

Finally, something for the Star Trek fan who has everything! Everything. Everything. Like, all the things in the world, because then and only then would it make sense to spend actual legal tender on this:

Bet you don't have one of these...

Also, sometimes the crew likes to
get drunk and play Jenga with them.

That, as I'm sure you are aware, is a replica of the isolinear circuit chips from Captain Picard's desk and it can be yours for just $149.00. Yes, of money. So you're probably wondering what in the name of Fek'lhr, guardian of Gre'thor, am I talking about? What is an isolinear circuit and why should you pay a hundred and fifty dollars for one? Isolinear circuits are advanced 24th century computer technology that replaced the outmoded duotronics of the 23rd century. They're key components of a starship's computer and are responsible for controlling things like life support and keeping the warp core from exploding. But more to the point this is a couple slabs of orange* acrylic that cost $149.00.

Pictured: Picard in his ready room,
handling his talky-thinky chip.

They're part of the-I shit you not-'Picard Desk Set' series of prop replicas. The second of three in fact. All painstakingly and obsessively crafted props offered by roddenberry.com. Your #1 online source for shamelessly milking Star Trek fandom. According to the site:

"Nobody quite knows precisely what purpose these circuits served for Picard, but he often handles them while talking and examines them while thinking..."

Yup, not even the people trying to sell you this thing know what it's for. Will that be credit card, or PayPal? Not to spoil the mystery here, but I'd hazard that these props were there for TV reasons. Like, for set dressing and to give Sir Patrick Stewart something to do with his hands. You know, actor business?

Above: What happens when you don't
give actors something to do with their hands.

Picard, waving a desk crystal
around. For some reason.

Anyway, these chip things follow last year's replica 'Picard Crystal Prop.' Which, did you know Captain Picard had a desk crystal? Because I didn't. Here, I'll let Roddenberry.com explain why you should give them $99.00 plus shipping for a 'Picard Desk Crystal:'

"One of the more iconic props associated with Captain Jean-Luc Picard, his "desk crystal" appears prominently in no fewer than 78 episodes...often in his hands during the iconic speeches on moral and ethical issues that are so fundamental to the character of Star Trek's most ruminative captain."

Coming in 2018: Picard's iconic computer.
Objectively more iconic than his iconic desk
crystal and even iconic-er isolinear circuit.

Huh. So I have some issues here. First of all, there should be a law, like an actual law against using the word 'iconic' twice in one sentence. Or at all. Secondly, I'm a big huge trekkie, but until today when I read this, I had no idea that Picard had a crystal on his desk. Like, what is it even supposed to be? Is it an artifact he dug up on an alien planet? Some kind of futuristic device like, an iPhone 80? Or is he secretly into hippy crystal healing bullshit? Whatever it is, I don't accept the premise that this heretofore unremarked upon crystal was either iconic, or featured prominently.

But whatever, this is just another in a long line of preposterous replicas sci-fi fans have thrown money away on. And I suppose it contains a bit of sad irony given that according to Star Trek, in the future we humans will have outgrown both money and the need to fill our lives with useless possessions.

But until that time arrives, please enjoy
this commercial of the late James Doohan
hawking commemorative Spock plates.

So how many should I put
you down for? Twelve?

*I may have erroneously referred to the 'Isolinear Circuits'  as 'slabs of orange acrylic' and that was unfair. Roddenberry.com is very clear on this point:

"Contrary to common misconception, the original acrylic circuits were neon pink rather than orange. It is only under bright lights with dark backgrounds that this material appears orange. Similarly, our replica appress variously neon pink or neon orange in different lighting environments."

-Roddenberry.com, setting the record straight

It's beginning to look a lot like Bastille Day!

"You all just got a lot richer!"

-The President, gloating to his rich peers

I wonder exactly what percent of the food
served at Mar-A-Lago contains waiter spit?
 I'm going to guess it's in the high 80's.

Huh? Oh, no. Not us, we're getting screwed. That comment was something the President said to the wealthy white men he surrounds himself with at Mar-A-Lago Friday night. And presumably the underpaid staff that have to wait on the aging, rich parasites whose greed has ruined America forever. Trump was referring to the tax bill he and the GOP forced into law last week over the resounding objection of the American people. A bill which will permanently reduces corporate taxes and gives everyone else a few years of lower taxes before jacking them back up again as a reminder of our place.

Oh, and fun fact: the bill saves Trump $15 million in taxes personally which I'm sure isn't a gross abuse of power. Because shut up.

"How dare you suggest that the President's motivations are anything
but another example of the selflessness with which he has always
conducted both his private and professional life. Shame on you."

-Sarah Huckabee Sanders, inevitably

Come for the golf, stay for the tacky
opulence that stands as a symbol for
everything wrong with America.

And just so I'm clear, he's bragging to the wealthy elite about how awesome his tax gift to giant corporations is at his exclusive private golf resort where members pay, no lie, $200,000 to join. Two hundred thousand dollars. Of money. And then another $14,000 in annual dues. I mean, I get why rich people might support him, but what about the base? The working class who, l'm pretty sure aren't going to be reaping the benefits of this big huge break for businesses. Businesses who, famously, avoid paying most of their taxes already?

"No, really, more jobs and higher wages
for workers and...sorry, I can't even..."

-The guys who just got richer

Sure the line is these savings will get passed on to the workers, but literally no one believes that, right? According to Bernie Sanders citing a study by the Tax Policy Center:

"Many large corporations are going to use their tax breaks to make CEO's wealthier and do very little for workers."

-Bernie Sanders, pointing

out the blindingly obvious 

"You should have listened to the bird.
Remember the little bird? Landed on
my podium? That was a sign."

Which, whatever you think of Sanders, people's champion who was robbed of his shot at the Presidency by an out of touch DNC in the pocket of Hillary Clinton, or the guy who split the Democratic vote and doomed us all, you have to, have to admit that he's not wrong here. Even this op-ed from Fortune, a magazine/website whose name is another word for 'shit ton of money' agrees with him pointing out that in a poll of 300 executives asking them what they'd do with these tax breaks, most of them said 'pay down debt and buy back shares.' 

Aren't they 1% of the population?
 Like, I think we can take'em...

So in a stunning twist, when faced with a choice between social responsibility to one's country and the interests of the shareholders, businesses choose the shareholders. In a way, I suppose we can't blame them, like, they didn't write the laws, they just take advantage of them. Well, ok, they do kind of write the laws, by proxy I mean. Like, the Supreme Court ruled that money is speech, sort of legitimizing the corporate buffet that is Congress, so yeah, on the other hand, let's totally blame them. In fact, grab some torches and pitchforks. 

Anyway, incipient peasant's revolt aside, I think the lesson here is trickle down economics was bullshit in the 80's and it's bullshit now. The only difference between America then and America now is that in 2017 we should know better. 

Well, that and whatever the hell is wrong with
these people. Is it cocaine? I think it's cocaine.