Hot merging action!

That disturbance you felt? That was millions of nerd-minds crying out in conflicted rage and excitement. Why? Because there're going to be new Star Wars movies.

In other news, I guess there was a storm or something.

Bow-chicka-wow-wow.

In a totally hot merger of synergy and diverse content portfolios, George Lucas is selling Lucasfilm to Disney for the princely sum of all the money ever. Wrap your head around that. He's selling Star Wars and all Star Wars related Star Warsiness like it's an old barbecue he doesn't use anymore. He's remaining on as a 'creative consultant,' and I'm sure there's some kind of contractual back door here somewhere but the guy who for years has been insisting that he is Star Wars and Star Wars is he is selling the thing that has held generations of virgins in its thrall.

Above: The moment in Episode I
where all joy left the world forever.

Ok, but sequels? If you recall, Lucas has been telling us for years that he'd originally written nine Star Wars movies and that the entire series fits harmoniously together in a sublime nonology so perfect that it will outshine every previous work of man and render obsolete all other stories ever told. It was our failure to embrace the prequels that forced him to hang up his plaid flannel and never ever make another Star Wars movie again as long as he lives.

It's only a matter of time until we see
the three-way with Square Enix in
the next Kingdom Hearts game. 

This was of course, bullshit, and Disney, having no intention of letting the franchise sit in the garage and recognizing that fans will pay anything, ANYTHING, to see new and decent Star Wars movies has announced that Episode 7 will be out in 2015, with 8 and 9 to follow. Goddamn. Now before you roll your eyes and predict that they will suck keep these two facts in mind: First, it would take some Omega-level stupidity to-out suck the prequels. Second, you're going to go see them anyway. No really. You might as well hand over your $11 right now.

Yeah, look at the expression on Yoda's face
and tell me there's not a metaphor here.

Gaypocalypse!

So, anyone want to take a guess at how long it will be before someone suggests that hurricane Sandy is God's punishment for gay people? A week? Maybe three days? If you said like of couple minutes, congratulations, your opinion of humanity is sufficiently low.

While the causes of hurricanes are not fully understood, we are certain that atmospheric
pressure, condensation and dudes making out are key factors (source: science).

Above: The Holy God of Israel.

Check out this shit. It's about a blog called John McTernan's Insights wherein some lunatic named John McTernan connects the dots and shows us how things like the recent drought, subsequent wildfires and now the hurricane aren't the result of meteorological phenomena but instead are happening because "...the Holy God of Israel is systematically destroying America right before our eyes." He also uses some sort of Bible math to show how the hurricane is happening 21 years after George H. W. Bush proposed some Mideast peace process and this is our punishment.

"Mr. President, with respect, you don't
have a clear agenda for destroying Isreal."

-Mitt Ronmey on the crusades

Wait, wah? Bush? I thought gay people caused hurricanes? Well, according to John McTernan, it's not just the gays and Democrats who are destroying 'murica, it's everyone who isn't John McTernan. Of course Obama and Romney are high on the list:

"Obama is 100 percent behind the Muslim Brotherhood which has vowed to destory Israel and take Jerusalem. Both candidates are pro-homosexual and are behind the homosexual agenda."

-John McTernan's crazy

So to clarify: Obama and Mitt Romney have teamed up with the pro-homosexual Muslim Brotherhood and together they will take over Jerusalem and that's why you need to stock up on canned goods. Thanks John McTernan, it all makes sense now!

"That's right, we're gay, well-dressed and have unlimited control
over hurricanes and drought. Don't fuck with us."

-Gay people

This race is over.

"Excellent, excellent...Joe Biden
has played right into my hands..."

Here it is everybody, the October surprise we've all been waiting for. Yesterday at a campaign rally, Vice President Joe Biden twice referred to former Governor and current Senate candidate Tim Kaine as Tom Kaine. Watch how the Romney campaign masterfully turns this momentary lapse into a contest ending advantage:

"Vice President Biden forgot the name of his own Virginia Democratic Senate nominee and he wants voters to forget about President Obama's failed economic policies and lack of a real agenda for a second term..." 

-Romney Campaign spokesdick Ryan Williams

Bam. A guy who's pushing 70 and has been campaigning non-stop for months said 'Tom' when he meant 'Tim.' Obviously this slip of the tongue is symptomatic of the failure of the Obama administration and why you should totally vote Republican. You know, the rape guys.

"I was going to vote for Obama because I support marriage equality, affordable
health care and the right to choose, but then Joe Biden called Tim Kaine 'Tom.'
Now I see that our nation is on the wrong track. I mean, his name is Tim."

-Former Obama supporter

Today in people who should stop talking:

You know, it's about time some
white guys weighed in on abortion.

Oh lord. It's a weekday so you know what that means. Yup, another Republican has opened his talk-hole on the subject of abortion. This time at an Indiana Senatorial debate, behold:

"I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize life is that gift from God. I think that even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen."

-Indiana Senatorial Candidate and
noted theologian Richard Mourdok

If you're ever out drinking with
The Lord, keep an eye on your drink.

Um...so I'm confused, is he saying that God causes rape to happen, or just the rapes that result in pregnancy? I'm no biblical scholar, but traditionally, if God wants to create a child doesn't He just do it the old fashioned way? Like with midichlorians or something? Since when does He have to rely on some college asshole with a ziplock full of roofies? Also, there's sort of an implication here that rapists are somehow doing God's work. Is it just me or is that really fucked up?

"What would Richard Mourdock do?"

-Frightened teen

And what does Mourdok mean when he says that he struggled with it for a long time? I assume he means he's struggled with his views on abortion and rape because no where on his website does he mention ever being impregnated against his will. I'm just pointing this out because I think it's important to keep in mind when weighing his contribution to the discussion. It's not that I think we menfolk can't have an opinion about abortion, I'm just suggesting that people who've never had to make a decision about it shut up a little when it comes to condemning people who have.

Above: the gene responsible for
meaningless political distraction.

But you know what? I blame us for this. All of us. Not for Richard Mourdok being an idiot, that's probably genetic, but for the fact that we, as a culture, put him in the position to wax stupid in front of a microphone in the first place. Why the hell do we still ask politicians to chime in on something that's been established law since 1973? Aren't they supposed to be letting people know where they stand on issues that will come up in the Senate? Roe v. Wade isn't up for discussion. Is it?

Um...it isn't is it? Like, for real, if it is, then this whole damn election cycle needs to be about it, it can not be just a one off question on Richard McBushybrows' OK Cupid profile.

Incidentally, Sam Waterston called. He'd like his eyebrows back. Burn.

Update: The Rewordening

"Stop talking. No. Stop
talking Richard. Shut it."

-God

Needless to say, Mourdok quickly tried to walk back his comment saying: 

"God does not want rape, and by no means was I saying that He does. Rape is a horrible thing, and for anyone to twist my words otherwise is absurd and sick."

-Richard Mourdok, heroically coming out against rape

So, to clarify: when Mourdok said that pregnancies resulting from rape '[are] something that God intended to happen' what he actually meant was...um...they're not something that God intended to happen...clear? Holy shit, maybe everyone should stop talking for God. Sound good? 

Oh, twist!

Check out this this amazing clip. At first he's all God's plan this, homosexuals that, but then-you didn't watch it did you? What, you don't have two minutes? Yeah, that's what I thought. Here's the link again, I'll wait...finished? Great. Pretty cool huh?

Nobody with glasses that hipster could possibly be against gay rights.

The 50's: famous for seething racial
hatred and hats. They were big on hats.

That's a guy named Philip Snider pretending to rail against gay rights before revealing that he pieced his rant together from pro-segregation arguments made by white preachers in the 1950's. He pulled his rhetorical switch-a-roo back in August at a Springfield Missouri City Council hearing on whether or not to add sexual orientation and gender identity to the anti-discrimination ordinance, the youtube video only got wide attention a couple of days ago.


That night, hundreds attended and 77 signed up to speak. Of those, 46 spoke in favor and 31 spoke against. So yeah 46 people are all for it and that's awesome, but that leaves 31 people. 31 people actually got in their cars and drove to city hall on a Monday night to take a stand for discrimination. Can you believe it? Don't they have anything better to do?

Turns out they all DVR'd 2 Broke Girls.

"Hey, maybe we could all try not being jerks
to eachother. I don't know, sound good?"

-Some guy

Anyway, in case you were wondering, the dude wasn't kidding, he is a for real minister. The Reverend Dr. Philip Snider, Senior Minister at Brentwood Christian Church. Yup. That would make Snider himself a white southern preacher. Bam. Take that, expectations. And take a look at Snider's blog wherein he responds to the attention his speech has received and also re-enforces his assertion that Christianity needn't be hostile towards gay rights. Wow. That strange sensation you're feeling? That's hope for the future of humanity. Takes some getting used to, huh?

Maybe it's a medical condition?

Yeah, I know I said I'd lay off of them for a day but holy shit. While I'm sure we need to do further research on the subject, I'm going to go ahead and say that Republicans are biologically incapable of hearing themselves talk. Behold:

"Now it's a war on women; tomorrow it's going to be a war on left-handed Irishmen."

-GOP Vice Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan,

not helping

"No, you can't."

-Republicans

So he said and so it was tweeted by an ABC reporter at a GOP fundraiser in Florida. Ok, look, I know Republicans aren't waging a war on women. They're not, that's ridiculous. Yes, it's true that they don't, as a party, trust half of the planet's population to make decisions about their own bodies and lives, and they're pretty sure that women don't need to get paid as much as men, but that's not really a war, just a general effort designed to roll back equal rights and relegate women to second-class status in the name of traditional values. It's more like they declared 'fuck you' on women.

"Pffft...rape victims...am I right
fellas? I mean, c'mon."

-Paul Akin, who still has his job 

I think part of the problem is that they don't know what the hell they're talking about. Remember when Todd Akin opened his GOP-hole about victims of rape having the miraculous power to not get pregnant unless they were secretly into it? Or more recently when Illinois Representative Joe Walsh waxed stupid about how women don't die in childbirth anymore thanks to science and that's why abortion should be illegal without exception. Amazing! But do comments like these mean Republicans hate women? 

Eh. I don't know. I think so, but I could be misjudging them. Maybe they just don't realize how sexist they sound or maybe they just genuinely just can't hear what they're saying most of the time. It's kind of like how Paul Ryan just used the term 'Irishmen.' I mean, who the hell says Irishmen anymore?

Above: Irishmen, on their way to a bar...most likely (source: Racism).

No really, what's up with these guys?

Just a warning, I'm about to rag on Republicans for a minute here, so if you stumbled upon this accidentally while looking for a blog about yachts or where the next tea bagger rally is, you might want to bail out now. I promise, tomorrow's post will be about hover cars or robots or something. Just to show there're no hard feelings, here's a picture of Ronald Reagan:

Stern yet grandfatherly countenance, hair confidently lacquered, flags waving in the breeze,
if this isn't giving you a raging-Boener, you're probably a socialist.

Romney Ryan 2012:
"Or else..."

Anyway, Republicans. Look, I don't really think that they're all bad people, but as a group they seem to pull some outrageous shit and then shrug as if to say 'What? What's wrong with that?' Take this for example:

"I hope you make it very clear to your employees what you believe is in the best interest of your enterprise and therefore their job and their future in the upcoming elections..."

-Mitt Romney, totally not telling business owners

to threaten their workers into voting for him

"Vote Romney, or I shall steeng your family."

-Nasonex Bee

Now, in his defense he did quickly follow up with a comment about how he hopes business owners will tell their employees simply to vote. regardless of whether or not it's for him or President Obama, but to also keep in mind that Obama totally hates business and success and probably America. Anyway, it's one of several recent examples of business owners telling employees that if Obama is reelected their jobs will be in danger. Now, you might be asking yourself What the hell? and Is that even legal?

Sorry kid, the Republicans lost the
California 38th. You're on your own.

Well apparently it is. Because companies are people and money is speech. And why not? Since when do companies have anything other than our best interests in mind? But does the fact that telling your employees who to vote for isn't technically illegal mean it's in any way ok? I suppose there isn't anything legally wrong with telling your children that you'll disown them if the Democrats keep the Senate but that doesn't mean you're not a horrible person for making the threat in the first place.

How come whenever there's an issue the Republicans immediately jump to which ever side is the evil-est and then pretend it's some kind of moral choice. Reproductive rights, same-sex marriage and now threatening voters with their jobs. For a party that's all about freedom and self-determination it seems kind of weird that they'd be cool with telling people what to do with their reproductive systems, marriages and votes.

It's as though they lack a left trigger option.
(If you get that, you're a nerd. Congratulations.)

On the other hand, the GOP now has
Lindsay Lohan on their side and
she's never made a bad move...

So what gives? Is there something I'm missing? Do you get a free car if you register Republican? There are four Supreme Court Justices rapidly approaching the mandatory retirement age of dead. That means that whoever wins in November will likely get a chance to shape the court for the next 40 years. While we're probably all going to be millionaires one day and will need a Republican President to keep the mooching 47% off our fortunes, for now I'm going to stick with voting for people who aren't actively working to curtail civil rights. Is that crazy?

Anyway, I'm done. I'll get off the soapbox now. Just so as I don't go out on a sour note here, here's a picture of a magic unicorn fighting a dragon I found on the internet. Man, there is nothing you can't find on the internet.

God damn, that's awesome.