We long for the normalcy of face-holes!

What's even the point of this? Huh? This what? Oh, right, you can't see what I'm looking at. You'd think after like ten years of this, I'd know that. Anyway, this this:

What do you mean drink it? I...I'm talking about the dumb face
shield, not the latté. Although I see now that I was being unclear.

Although, even I have to admit, that is
easily the most innovative neck mount
I've seen all day. I mean, look at it.

While I go out of my way to not encounter commercials, I encountered one for something called the Zshield and couldn't look away. And no, it's not just because of its innovative neck mount, it's because what's even the point of this? You mount this plastic nonsense around your neck and raise the blast shield to keep yourself from spewing disease all over the person ordering the pumpkin spiced whatever and that's it. It's exactly like a regular face shield, but it hinges from below and is supposed to protect other people from your uh...droplets. 

Cool, that's super, God knows the last thing I want is other people's droplets, but does it? Protect other people from your sputum I mean? Sorry, but that's the word. Anyway, you still have to wear a real mask, right? Like I'm not like a doctor or anything, but my understanding is that while droplets are gross, viruses still spread through the air, so won't they just go around your ridiculous upside-down welding mask?

"Whaaaat? No...we wouldn't do that to you..."

-Some virus, probably lying

Pictured: the white, nigh impossible
to read text that stands between
Zverse® and a class action lawsuit. 

Yes, of course they will, because viruses are no respecters of as seen on TV products, no matter how innovative the neck mount is. And if you watch the ad there's some barely legible text at the very bottom of the screen saying that it's "not intended or approved as a replacement for other PPE, including but not limited to masks." Which is great except for the fact that this disclaimer is written over a bunch of scenes of people walking around living their best super spreader life with just the Zshield and no masks. So what gives? You don't suppose they're misrepresenting their products, do you?

Oh, wait, I always get this
wrong, deception is the basis
of advertising, isn't it?

Deception? In advertising? It seems impossible, I know, but here we are. Sure, Zverse, the company that makes this thing, says it can't replace mask wearing, but one of the selling points is that other people can see your face through it and read your expressions without the use of eyebrows or overly enthusiastic hand gestures. So they're definitely marketing it as something that is safe to wear in lieu of masks which it isn't. At all. And look, I want things to go back to normal as much as anyone and what's more normal than watching other people's face-holes emote and form words? But it seems like the only thing more terrifying than COVID-19 is misinformation about COVID-19. And lying about the ability of your neck-mounted spit catcher to stop the spread of the disease is exactly that.