That time America was thwarted by rain.

So like, nobody buys it, right? The story about the rain making his teleprompter say that thing about the-oh, wait. Maybe you don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe in an effort to avoid high blood-pressure and pre-mature signs of aging, you've detached yourself from the news and didn't see anything about Trump's dumb Salute to America speech. I can respect that.

Trump's $2.4 million message to America: The future
belongs to us...which, has...has he not seen Cabaret? 

America: 154 years without a Civil War.
Thanks President Trump!

Besides, I didn't watch it either. Although I did read about how it was, as times the President has opened his burger hole, less divisive than one would expect. Which, I mean, does he want a cookie? He's the President. How much have we lowered the bar for him that anything short of calling on supporters to storm DNC headquarters is him being unifying? Anyway, in addition to not mocking the disabled or threatening nuclear annihilation, he also said some stupid nonsense about how during the Revolutionary War the army:

"manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do, and at Fort McHenry, under the rocket's red glare, it had nothing but victory."

-The guy most of us didn't vote for,

but is somehow the President

Our only hope is that the people who voted for him see
what a horrible mistake it was, and make better choices.
So yeah, it's all riding on these people getting smarter...

Once again our great nation is brought to
its knees by rain. If only there was some
way to counter its unstoppable power.

Cool. But actually the revolutionaries 100% suffered defeats during the war. Like, it was a war. Sure, we ultimately came out on top in what's increasingly looking like a mistake but-oh, the airport thing. Yeah, that goes beyond his usual fake-patriotic drivel and is just gibberish. But surely there must be a reasonable explanation for his...I'd say lapse, but he's kind of always like this. Well, whatever it is, it's not what he says it was, which is equipment failure. Yeah. He said the rain did it.

Pictured: The President, expertly looking
at a teleprompter in the rain. Even though
that's like, a really hard thing to do. 

"I knew the speech very well so I was able to do it without a teleprompter. And it was actually hard to look at anyway because of the rain."

-The President to reporters wearing expressions 

of bland pity at his presumption of their stupidity

Oh. Oohhhh. I see, so the rain caused the teleprompter to malfunction in a such a way that rather than simply shorting out or something, it re-wrote his speech to include an embarrassing gaffe.

You just had to run on your ability
to form coherent sentences...

Also he totally knew the speech you guys. So well that he didn't need that teleprompter anyway. Also, also the rain made it super-hard to see, but he could anyway, because he's really good at reading teleprompters in the rain. Which is a super-useful skill for a President to have. In fact, I'm sure if Hillary Clinton had only run on her in-the-rain-teleprompter reading ability she'd be the President. You know, instead of just the person most of us voted for-huh? Yes, I do harp on that a lot. Doesn't mean it's not true.

Just let me...let me get this straight. It's not that he was just ill-prepared or that he didn't run his speech past his staff, it's that he's a victim of a real-life Maximum Overdrive.

Pictured: Maximum Overdrive, a film about machines
coming to life and murdering people. A plot we're being asked
to accept is more plausible than Trump being bad at speeches.