Don't make me choose!

I've been placed in an impossible position. I will soon be forced to choose between my heart and my convictions. These are the times that test the soul and this is-huh? Yes, it's about a video game thing. Yes, again.

Don't look at me like that. Thomas Paine
was totally talking about video games.

Above: Johnny about to gun down
the competition. No, really.

Like I was saying. There are times in one's life when one must go after what one truly-fine! I'll get to the point. The Turbo Grafx 16 mini console has a release date and-wha-what now? Right, I'll explain. The TurboGrafx-16 is a video game console that came out back in 1989. You've probably never heard of it because it was quickly overshadowed by the Sega Genesis. The TG-16 was huge in Japan, but doomed in the U.S. by a lame pack-in title and terrible marketing campaign featuring Johnny Turbo, a bearded super hero with a gun whose power was warning kids about how the TurboGrafx-16 and not the Faka (Sega) was the first 16-bit game console. Even as a nine-year old, it was pretty insulting.

Because there is no photographic
evidence of anyone actually owning a
TG-16, here's some kids playing Sega.

But still, I asked for one for my birthday and so was the only kid I knew with a TG-16. Some of the games were pretty good, but it was clear that I'd made a terrible mistake so I swapped it in at the game store for a Genesis. Anyway, I mention this because in super original move, Konami, the company that now owns the rights to the TG-16 is doing exactly what Nintendo, Sega and Sony have already done and is sticking a bunch of emulated games on a novelty, tiny version of the console and selling it to people like me.

Like the other mini consoles, there's a decent line up of games and while a hundred dollars is kind of an ask, I'm helpless before its nostalgia stroking powers. Or at least I would be if for not a single poison pill: you can only buy it on Amazon. And to add to the already deal-with-the-devil prospect of giving Jeff Bezos more of what little of the world's money he doesn't already have, the pre-order goes up on Prime Day.

"What? The devil? That's just unfair. And to prove it, how
about I challenge you to a friendly fiddle-playing contest? If I win,
I get your soul, if you win, I'll give you a year of Amazon Prime."

-Jeff Bezos, Amazon CEO

Sure it'll mean the death of
American retail and an unchallengeable
monopoly, but what are we supposed
to do? Not buy Boss Baby on Bluray?*

Yup, Amazon's self-proclaimed global observance of how wonderful they are celebrated by a two-day 'parade of epic savings.' Which, first of all, two days is not a day. It's two days. It should be Prime Days. Secondly, Beowulf is an epic. Amazon's just slightly reducing their profit on specific items in order to drive web traffic and generate more profit. They're not saving you anything, they're tricking you into buying more shit from a company that would like very much to be the only company in the world. And they're basically there already. I mean, there's nothing to stop it. Everyone buys things off of them. Need cat food, a pack of tent spikes and Boss Baby on Region 2 Bluray? On your doorstep in forty-eight hours. How can we possibly resist? Or more to the point, how can physical stores resist? You want me to get up off the couch, get in my car and drive somewhere for the basic necessities of life? What is this the 1800's?

They're the economic equivalent of a cancer and the only treatment is to not buy stuff from them which I'm not sure we can even do at this point.

Although in defense of cancer, at least it doesn't dodge
taxes, oppose unions and engage in differential pricing.

"Join you and rule the galaxy as
father and son? Ehhh.....ok."

-Me, if I were in that movie

They have to be stopped and nothing short of a total boycott will-huh? Yeah, I've got a Prime account. I'm only human. I enjoy their wide selection of on demand videos and free shipping on millions of-goddamnit! So I've been trying to extricate myself from their iron grip on my life and it's not easy. Also, my will is fairly weak. I have managed to stop using Audible and have only bought things from the site that I absolutely can't find locally and-yes, I'm rationalizing. I know. And now this! I don't need a TG-16 mini console. I want one, but can I honestly say I need one?

And to make it even worse, the pre-order date, which is also the day of their dumb, made up holiday, is also a walkout day for Amazon workers demanding better pay. So if I want to swallow my pride, put on my extra large hypocrite hat and order one, I'll not only be perpetuating the Gibson-esque Mega Corp but I'll also be a scab.

It's like the end of The Good Son and Macaulay Culkin is a mini TurboGrafx
and Elijah Wood is my conscience. I mean, I have to drop Macaulay Culkin, right?
Sorry, I should have said 'spoilers for The Good Son.' Oh, like you're going to watch it.

*to be clear, I was doing a bit. I would never buy Boss Baby on Blu-ray or any other format for that matter.