Eleven Angry Men

So I didn't get to watch the Ford/Kavanaugh hearings today because, you know, work. But I did try and keep up with it online and holy shit, I mean, holy shit.

I guess they weren't comfortable with the visual of eleven dudes
trying to pick apart a sexual assault victim's story so the Republicans
hired a female prosecutor to do it for them. Because optics or whatever.

Pictured: a man talking over a woman.
Not pictured: the slightest bit of surprise.

As I'm sure you saw or have since read, it was everything wrong with everything. It was also both a sham and a circus, but we'll get to that. Highlights included Judiciary Committee chair Senator Chuck Grassley straight up talking over Senator Diane Feinstein and Orrin Hatch commenting describing Christine Blasey Ford as an 'attractive witness.' Hey, do you know what's completely irrelevant to Ford's testimony before the Senate?

When your worldview hits 30 years
old, the crystal goes off and the Sandmen
come to disintegrate you. Problem solved.

Yes, that, but that didn't stop him from weighing in on the subject when reporters asked whether or not he found her credible:

"I don't think she's uncredible, I think she's a good, attractive witness."

-Orrin Hatch: living example of why 

the Senate should institute some kind

of Logan's Run system of 'retirement' 

"You know Miss Ford, you'd be prettier
if you smiled more-what? What'd I say?"

-Senator Hatch, not

quite getting it

Ok...couple of things: uncredible's not a word. Also, she's not a witness because this isn't a trial and if this were a trial I think we'd be referring to Ford as the victim which, shouldn't we be? But let get down to Hatch's comment. Attractive? There's only two ways to read that: either as a cynical evaluation of Ford as some kind of political instrument or as a gross old man commenting on the physical attributes of a woman who's sharing details of her sexual assault in front of the entire country. Can't wait to see how they spin this one.

Anyway, after Ford delivered her painful testimony and relived her assault before an audience consisting of three hundred and twenty million horrified Americans and eleven hostile Republican Senators on the Judiciary Committee, Brett Kavanaugh's turn came. I guess someone advised him that 'petulant, paranoid conspiracy theorist' would be the way to go because goddamn.

"This confirmation process has become a national disgrace! I don't have to take
this. I'm going back to my hotel. Let me know when it's time to get sworn in."

-Brett Kavanaugh, Supreme Court 

Nominee and noted national disgrace

Which, yeah, it has become a national disgrace, just probably not in the way he thinks. 

"Excellent, my plan to ruin Brett
Kavanaugh's life is working perfectly!"

-the woman most of us voted for

Kavanaugh went on to blame the Clintons, Democrats and America in general:

"This whole two-week effort has been a calculated and orchestrated political hit fueled with apparent pent-up anger about President Trump and the 2016 election, feat that has been unfairly stoked about my judicial record, revenge on behalf of the linens, and millions of dollars in money from outside, left-wing opposition groups..."

-Brett Kavanaugh, the 

real victim here you guys

Cool, that's one way to look at it. Another way would be that Brett Kavanaugh has been accused of a serious crime by a credible person who has no reason to endure this painful and humiliating experience other than to prevent the man who attacked her from getting a lifetime appointment the Supreme Court. Sorry, allegedly.

It's like America's about to get a bad tattoo.

Lindsay Graham, possibly
about to have an aneurysm.

Not to be outdone in the realm of insane rants, here's Lindsay Graham:

"Boy, you all want power. God, I hope you never get it. I hope the American people can see through this sham. That you knew about and you held it. You had no intention of protecting Dr. Ford. None. She's as much of a victim as you."

-Lindsay Graham on...wait, did he just-

"Thank you Mister President, I look
forward to shielding you from prosecution."

-Kavanaugh, probably

Yeah....I'm not sure he meant it this way, but it kind of sounds like Graham is angry at Democrats for not making Ford's accusations known sooner. Which is weird because you'd think he'd be upset at Kavanaugh for assaulting Ford in the first place? Sorry, right, allegedly. At the very least his ire should probably be directed at his fellow Republicans for not properly vetting Kavanaugah. Did they look into his past or was the search over the minute they found someone who was willing to say that a President can't be prosecuted for-oh shit, that's exactly how this went down...

Anyway, in further 'no, clearly Lindsay Graham can't hear the words coming out of his mouth,' the Senator spoke to reporters during one of the breaks and made some hilariously un-ironic threats about how now the gloves are off:

Um...Merrick Garland.