Alright, who said it couldn't get any worse?

There's always next year...

Sigh... so after the unmitigated shit show that was 2016, especially that last bit, say from November on, I think we all were kind of hoping that 2017 would would be better. We were, of course, wrong to hope that. I mean, what possible improvement was January 1st 2017 supposed to bring? All of us waking up and discovering it was all a dream? Hillary Clinton popping out at the inauguration, shouting 'Gotcha!' and taking the oath herself? Or maybe just some kind of gamma ray burst or asteroid collision.

But here we are, about to watch the odometer roll over to 2018, unable to believe that things could possibly get any worse, yet also somehow aware that they probably will and that no amount of repeating 'computer end program' is going to help.

I'm not saying don't give it a try, just prepare to be disappointed.

We're basically real life's NPC's, there
to make famous people look more
heroic/rich/important by comparison.

I guess the important thing to do is to keep a positive outlook and greet the new year with a sense of hope and wide-eyed wonder, not just because it's the only way to stay sane, but because it's that unique American optimism that has always seen us through difficult times. In that spirit, let us dive in to the traditional review of all the people who have died this year. And as always, I remind you that this is a list of famous people, not the countless, nameless nobodies like you and me, people who've made a difference in the world.

"I told you to keep it down!"

-God, apparently

 not a music fan

Anyway, enough contemplating our insignificant place in the world, on to our pointless list. The Earth's largest natural satellite lost last man on the moon Eugene Cernan and 'guy who flew to, but didn't land on the moon,' Dick Gordon. In pretend astronauts, the crew of the Nostromo lost John Hurt and Harry Dean Stanton from the movie Alien. Music lost, and hang on this is a long list, Chris Cornell from Sound Garden, heartbreaker Tom Petty, Allman brother Greg Allman, and Walter Becker from Steely Dan.

1950's rock and roll pioneers Fats Domino and Chuck Berry whom you might remember as the guy the movie 'Back to the Future' suggested owed his entire career to ripping off a time traveling, white suburban kid.

"Thank you mysterious stranger, the people of our time owe
you a debt of gratitude and shall build statues in your honor."

-Some guy thanking Marty

for fucking with causality

for his own amusement

Is there some thematic connection between
bunnies and boating that I'm missing?

Actor and playwright Sam Shepard died, as did Stephen Furst. Most people remember him from St. Elsewhere or from Animal House, but to we nerds he will always be Vir Cotto from Babylon 5. Della Reese from Touched By an Angel is dead and so is Roger Moore, the second James Bond. Speaking of toxic masculinity (I mean Bond, not Roger Moore), the field of objectifying women lost noted smoking jacket wearer Hugh Hefner which, yes, that's sad, but again: he spent like 70 years making a career out of creeping around his mansion dressed like a sleazy sea captain and paying women to demean themselves.

But I'm kinda not kidding...

Anyway, fans of safe, family friendly TV shows that once sheltered Americans from the harsh reality of living in the shadow of nuclear annihilation lost Partridge Family teen heartthrob/musician David Cassidy. Robert Guillaume from Benson died. Adam West the unrepentantly campy Batman of the 1960's is gone as is Rose Marie who played a female comedy writer on The Dick Van Dyke Show at a time when doctors prescribed cigarettes to women to treat hysteria. I'm kidding. It was usually pills.

And in a Dick Van Dyke double whammy, earlier this year the world also lost Mary Tyler Moore who played Laura Petrie but who is probably better remembered for starring in the imaginatively named and way ahead of its time Mary Tyler Moore Show.

Since Moore starred as a single, unmarried career woman in a position of authority, CBS
executives initially classified The Mary Tyler Moore Show as science fiction. Because the 70's.

"Why should I give a shit? I'm seventy."

-Everything wrong 

with America

In more abstract concepts, whatever tattered remains of America's credibility on the world stage died when President Trump pulled us out of the Paris agreement on climate change back in June because he'll be damned if he's gonna let the French tell us what we can and can't despoil. And then just the other day in response to the brutal winter in the North East, he made a funny funny joke about how we could use some global warming. You see it's funny because idiots think climate and weather are the same thing. Also they get to vote. That's funny, right?

"Wait 'till you see what I've got for you in
2018. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised."

I could go on and on about politics and how we all have front row seats to the systematic dismantling and looting of the country that brought the world freedom, democracy and, more recently fidget spinners, but I all ready have. Like, two out of every three blog posts this year have been my blinking, sputtering shock at how preposterously low the GOP is willing to sink or how brazenly Sarah Huckabee Sanders can spout abject horseshit while simultaneously calling us all idiots for not buying it. She is, after all, a goddamn spin wizard.

The only thing it's missing is hours of
 tutorials and motion controls that suck.

Civility is dead and political discourse has been reduced to a fight on The Real Housewives of Orange County. Super. But why dwell? Let's look at the few shinning examples of good things to come out of 2017. As nerds we've had a pretty good year. Gamers got new a new Zelda game, in fact the best entry in the series in like fifteen years and a new Mario, not to mention the slightly less impossible to find SNES Classic: a whole 'other way to give Nintendo your money in exchange for games you probably already own.

Although if you're complaining that
the llama/rabbit chase scene was some
prequel bullshit, I'll allow that. It was. 

In movies we finally got not just a decent DC movie, but an actual great one in the form of Wonder Woman, and I don't know about you but I loved the shit out of Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Wait, no, I do know about you, and you also liked it. If you think you didn't, you're probably mistaken, so please stop complaining about it on Metacritic. And to address your concerns: yes, Luke is human and would totally do that, no, Kylo isn't whiney, he's angry, you would be too and for the record Holdo didn't tell Poe shit because for all she knows there's a spy onboard.

What part of nine accusations of sexual
assault on underage women was unclear?

In more substantive news, noted child Molester Roy Moore was defeated in his bid for the Alabama Senate. Less encouraging was the fact that it was super close and that everyone who voted for him did so out of spite for Democrats. Or, I suppose, love of statutory rape. But a win's a win and maybe the best thing to come out of 2017 is that we all took a long hard look at American culture and suddenly decided that we should give a shit about victims of sexual misconduct which is a surprising reversal from the rest of human history.

There're now apparently consequences for celebrities and political figures who used their power and influence to get away with harassment and assault. Consequences like ruined careers, lawsuits and getting replaced by Christopher Plummer. Let's hope this trend continues. Hmm...President Christopher Plummer. I kind of like the sound of that. Anyway, Happy New Year! I'm sure it can't get any worse.

"Nation heading down the drain? Time to call the Plummer."

-Paid for by Plummer 2020