In other news, women are very special...

So today reporters finally got the President to talk about Alabama Senate candidate and alleged child molester Roy S. Moore. Here's what they asked:

"Mr President, is an accused child molester better than a Democrat?"

-NBC's Kristen Welker, no really

Pictured: Kristen Welker demonstrating the stunned expression
that was frozen on her face throughout the President's answer.

And that's when I saw the unicorn...

However, to his credit and in a shocking twist, the President replied: 

"Of course we take these accusations very seriously, and I am therefore urging Mr. Moore to step aside."

-President Trump before offering to 

answer other questions on a variety 

of subjects in complete, coherent 

sentences that didn't embarrass us all

Above: some of the women who have
accused Trump of sexual misconduct.
There's 16 in all. 16 to Moore's 9. You
know, not that anyone's keeping count.

Wow. You know, I admit that I was wrong about President Trump. Today's comments really showed that he's finally growing into the role in which he-I'm just kidding none of that happened. He absolutely leapt to the defense of alleged child molester Roy S. Moore, pointing out that since Moore says he didn't harass and assault the nine women who are accusing him, we should totally take him at his word. After all, what would he possibly have to gain by lying about all those sex crimes he committed? Sorry, alleged sex crimes, he allegedly committed. 

So here's what the President said when reporters asked if he was ready to talk about the child molester running for the Senate. Sorry, allegedly. Anyway, here he goes:

Pictured: Roy S. Moore joining
Nazis on the list of things Trump
blindly throws his support behind.

"I can tell you one thing for sure, we don't need a liberal person in there, a Democrat. Jones. I've looked at his record, it's terrible on crime, it's terrible on the borders, it's terrible in the military. I can tell you for a fact, we do not need somebody that's going to be bad on crime, bad on the borders, bad with the military, bad for the Second Amendment."

-The President on how the

people of Alabama would be better

off represented by the sex offender

Wai-wai-wait, so help me out here, the President is criticizing, among other things, Doug Jones' record on crime? But isn't Moore himself accused of committing numerous egregious crimes? Sex crimes. Even if you think Jones is soft on crime, isn't being an actual sex criminal like, way worse? Anyway, the President wasn't finished. Here are some more of the bewildering words that actually came out of his mouth today:

"Women are very special. I think it's a very special time
because a lot of things are coming out and I think that's
good for our society and I think its very good for women."

-The President saying words while 

the First Lady looks on...probably 

regretting some of her life decisions