"Finally, a Rampage movie!" said no one.

Also there was a werewolf,

because fuck yeah, werewolves.

I guess the question I'm asking the vast, silent, unthinking void is why is Rampage a movie now? Yes, Rampage, can you believe it? Huh? What's Rampage? That's a very good question and I'm glad I pretended you asked because it gives me an opportunity drop some obscure video game knowledge. Rampage is an old arcade game where you play monsters that resemble, but are legally distinct from classic giant monsters like King Kong and Godzilla.

Above: New York's iconic skyline
faithfully recreated in vaguely
building-themed rectangles.

You smash buildings in level after level of single-screen, virtually identical looking cities which the game assures us are places like New York and Peoria, all the while taking fire from helicopters, tanks and police. These attacks slowly drain your life until you die, transform into a tiny naked human and then feed the machine more quarters to continue. It was an ok game and did what it set out to do: extract money, which is what the movie makers hope to do too. But I'm not sure they're going about it in the best way.

"A movie." raves the New York Times!
The Chicago Tribune gave it a rating!
114 minute runtime confirms IMDB!

I mean, why, thirty years after the game came out and twenty-nine and a half years since anyone really cared about it, is Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson is staring in a film adaptation? Sure there were home ports and some so-so sequels in the intervening years but who is this movie for? People my age with hazy memories of playing the games or kids who were born in the aughts and are young enough to want to see a The Rock movie? Also, the trailer not only admits that the film is directed by Brad Peyton, director of San Andreas, but it kind of presents it as a reason to see it.

It's like the screenwriter has managed
to make the movie even dumber than
the game. Which is kind of innovate.

Weirdly the trailer doesn't even acknowledge that Rampage is based on a video game at all. And that's fine I guess, I mean, they're pretty clearly relying on Dwayne Johnson, monsters and explosions to entice people into the theater and away from the nine or ten streaming options that don't involve leaving their homes, but still, why bother linking it to the game at all? It's not like they kept the story, such as it was. Rampage the game was about scientists who mutated into kaiju, a premise the movie discards in favor of 'holy shit giant monsters, let's shoot them with guns.'

I'm not sure if Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
was on purpose, or just a misunderstanding
 between a film crew and some LARPers.

Look, I'm not saying the world doesn't need more giant monster movies, it absolutely does, I'm just questioning the wisdom of adapting (however loosely) a video game. Name a good video game movie? Well? Tomb Raider, Resident Evil and Mortal Kombat? Well, no. None of these were good movies. Objectively speaking they were just the least terrible video game movies. For every Tomb Raider there was an Assassin's Creed, for every Mortal Kombat, a Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

But whatever, I'm just judging Rampage on the trailer alone and that's not fair, right? I mean, sure, I'm also judging it based on past experiences with movies adapted from video games and that's not always an indication of-oh, and also the director's previous work. I'm judging it on that too. So for those keeping track, there's the trailer, other video game movies and the director. But all that aside, I'm sure Rampage is going to be just great.

Pictured: Director Brad Peyton's 2010 film
Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore.
Why am I mentioning it? Oh, no reason.