Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Vas deferen-etly going to explode!

I've circled the part of the internet that
isn't about genitals. Stick to that part.
Hey, you know how condoms have been around since at least the 16th century and they're one of the more reliable forms of birth control and protection against STD's short of not sticking your stuff into someone else's wherever? Well they are. But the geniuses behind the Jiftip have a better idea that's in no way a better idea. Oh, and by the way, we're about to get like, super-graphic here talking about wing-wangs and hootenanny's so if you're easily offended maybe stop reading. In fact, stay off the internet all together.

So yeah, the Jiftip. It's a, get this, a self-adhesive sticker that goes over the tip of the penis. Which I guess is called a jif? Maybe? It's hard to tell, there's like a million euphemisms for penis. Let's just keep this clinical and use the term 100% all-beef footlong.
Pictured: No. In fact, let's never say that again.
So it's what, a hat?
So back to the Jiftip. Which is not a condom. Whatever you do, don't use this as you would a condom. The website is super clear about this.

"Welcome to Jiftip.com
Jiftip is not a condom
You cannot use it for that"

-The Jiftip website, 
clearing things up for us

"For the love of God Montresor!"
-Semen
Ok, so what the hell is it supposed to do? No one knows. In fact, the people that make it seem to be kind of squirrelly on the subject. The website suggests that the product is supposed to make sex more pleasurable without all that disease and pregnancy-prevention getting in the way, but it isn't supper clear as to how blocking up ones urethra and sealing in the semen like it's Fortunato in the Cask of Amontillado is going to be anything but a painful, messy horror show. Huh? Yeah, I know, that one was a reach, even for me, but that's how screwed up this thing is. It's got me going back to 8th grade English for my analogies.

Here, read this explanation from the 'how it works' section of their website and then explain to me why whoever wrote this isn't on a watchlist:

"Have a jizz-fest inside your penis, then take it outside, Jiftip has you covered. As you feel the rush to gush you're thinking, 'What a wonderful world.'"

-From the Jiftip websi-wait, 'the
rush to gush?' Holy shit guys...
I assume of course that by 'jizz-fest,' they're referring to a festival celebrating
 Jazz-wailing, a form of music in the Star Wars Universe made popular by
Ever Orbus and his Galactic Jizz-Wailers. No, I shit you not, that's real.

Like one of these. But for your dick.
Gross. And it gets worse. According to Dr. Lauren Streicher from Northwestern University, using this thing could lead to something called a 'retrograde-ejaculation' which is something that should never happen to anyone ever. So to sum up, Jiftip is ineffective as a contraceptive and it can't keep you from getting an STD and it may cause reverse-ejculations and, presumably, testicular-explodening. I mean, maybe if it came in fun colors or had a tassel or a propeller on top it could be an accessory. Like a pasty for your Gentleman Jim (made that one up myself). But it doesn't. It just jams up your gear and might just explode your vas deferens. So why does Jiftip exist? Spoiler alert: because business.

I'm thinking some kid working on his MBA got drunk with his bro's one night over a game of beer-pong (that's a thing college kids do, right?), came up with Jiftip and somehow convinced an investor to give him the money to make it real. And like that machine that squeezes juice out of a bag for you, it was bullshit from day one, but lucky for the fine folks at Jiftip, there is always going to be money to be made from idiots. So here we are talking about dick-hole stickers.
Although I'm kind of curious to see what would happen if we put
a Jiftip over the opening of a Juicero bag and switched it on.

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