From Russia with Vehemence

Well that's a relief. Um...aren't you going to ask me what's a relief? No? Ok, fine. I'll explain. At the G20 Summit Donald Trump asked Vladimir Putin about the election meddling thing, you know, the interference that every intelligence agency on the planet agrees not only took place but was personally ordered by Putin himself? And guess what? He said neyt.

"There you have it everybody. The word of the former leader of the KGB that he didn't
interfere with our election to get me elected. Proof positive that I'm totally legitimate."

-The President on how we're all idiots

I guess I'll just pack it in. After all, the subjects
of my investigation just denied it. Twice. Strongly.

-Special Counsel Robert Meuller

I know, I know, sounds fishy right? I mean, that's exactly what someone who did interfere with our elections would say, right? Well if I may quote the President during the debates which he totally won, "Wrong." Yeah, not only did he ask Putin about the meddling, he asked twice. Strongly. In his words:

"I strongly pressed President Putin twice about Russian meddling in our election. He vehemently denied it. I've already given my opinion..."

-Trump, removing all doubt forever

"Mouse? What mouse? That's just more 
liberal fake news. Also, uh...Obama."

-Some cat

Obviously the guy who directly benefited from the alleged interference asking the strongman who rules Russia through a combination of cronyism and disappearing political rivals about said interference isn't exactly the same thing as a thorough, independent investigation when it comes to getting at the truth. And sure, Trumps impromptu photo op/interrogation doesn't have the same force of law as testifying under oath or say Tweeting inarticulately in the wee hours of the morning, but if it's good enough for the guy who 'won' the election, shouldn't it be good enough for all of us? 

I think the real question here, is when are we going to get to the bottom of all those illegal voters the President's fragile ego concocted to make him feel better about the fact that most of us voted for Clinton? I mean the sooner we crack that case, the better we'll all sleep.

And the sooner Trump can get down to the serious business of dismantling our health care,
finding jobs for his kids and generally embarrassing us in front of the rest of the world.
Wait, hang on, no seriously, what the shit is the President's daughter doing there?