Saturday, July 1, 2017

Do they know it's Canada Day at all?

You want drama? New Brunswick almost
didn't sign. But then their representative
 found his pen. It was touch and go there.
So um, Happy Canada Day! In honour of the vast, underpopulated provinces and territories to the north, I'd like to take this moment and ingratiate myself to them and their Queen, long may she reign, by recognizing their sesquicentennial. Yup, one hundred and fifty years ago today, the colonies of Canada, Nova Scotia and New Brunswick Voltroned up to become Canada, a Dominion of the British Empire and I think that's super. Sure it wasn't as dramatic as the rocket's red glare or the bombs bursting in air, but I think we could all do with a little less drama, don't you?

Luckily for us, Justin Trudeau isn't
the kind of guy to build a border wall.
Which brings us to why I'm sucking up. Moving to Canada is something of a half-serious joke to a lot of us anytime the President we didn't vote for wins, but few actually go through with it. And I'm not saying I've ever seriously looked into it, but goddamn, did you see this NRA thing that came out a couple days ago? Huh? Sorry, I can't actually hear you, this is just a blog. If you have, skip down a bit, if you haven't check out the NRA's new recruitment video. It's the kind of thing that might convince to to try and make a break for it.

Here, if you haven't watched it, I'll sum up. But really, do watch it, it's a treat. In it, conservative radio host Dana Loesch nearly gives herself an aneurism describing how:

Ok, it is actually an unfair comparison.
Hitler didn't even have a Twitter account.
'They use their media to assassinate real news, they use their schools to teach their children that their president is another Hitler. They use their movie stars and singers and comedy shows and award shows to repeat their narrative over and over again. And then they use their ex-President to endorse the resistance. All to make them march, to make them protest, make them scream racism, and sexism and xenophobia and homophobia..." 

-Dana Loesch, about to
pop a blood vessel

Oh, and in case she wasn't being super-clear, the 'they' she's describing, is, I think, the segment of the American population who either didn't vote for Trump or did and now agree that he's doing a shitty job. So most of us. By a lot.
Of course, his well attended Inauguration Day certainly-oh, that's the
Women's March the day after the inauguration. Huh, I keep confusing the
two, which is weird because people actually came out for the Women's March.
Sorry, too soon? But seriously, we were all
shocked. Some because it was cancelled,
others because Tim Allen wasn't in jail. 
Ok, so lots to unpack here. First of all, you can't assassinate news. You can deliver news, you can report the news, you can even turn the cameras off in your press room, or insult morning TV hosts but you can't assassinate news. That's just the wrong verb. And don't conservatives have comedy shows too? Remember Last Man Standing? Also, as far as the accusations of racism, sexism, xenophobia and homophobia goes? Border wall, Billy Bush tape, travel ban and did you know June was Pride Month? Because Trump apparently didn't.

"Hey, don't go dragging me into this..."
-An artist's rendering of
the kind of person who 
sends letter bombs

She then goes on to paint a grim portrait of conservatives being bullied by those asshole lefties and their stubborn insistence on not being cool with the guy who lost the popular vote single handedly Tweeting away what's left of America's respect on the global stage. And then she makes it weird. Like, ominous and weird:

"The only way we stop this, the only way we save our country and our freedom, is to fight this violence of lies with the clenched fist of truth."

-Dana Loesch, not at all sounding like the
 kind of person who sends letter bombs

"Fake news is anything not Tweeted
 by me at three in the morning."

Holy shit, I mean, who talks like that? But Loesch isn't advocating violence. Here's what she told the New York Times-wait, aren't they supposed to be fake? It's hard to keep track.

"I hardly think that condemning violence is inciting violence..."

-Dana Loesch, apparently 
incapable of hearing herself talk

...but something tells me they're not
cheering for the great melting pot. 
So remember like a minute ago when the Dana Loesch in the NRA video said the thing about the left screaming about the right's racism, sexism and various phobias? That was the left being intolerant of intolerance. Which is intolerable. What she's doing is condemning violence in a recruitment video for a gun lobbying group. The important thing is not to think about it too hard, the point is that the NRA is doing its part to stick up for white people. Did I say white people? I meant American values. 

Anyway, like I said before, I have no plans to move to Canada. If anything, Dana Loesch should probably leave. But where should she go? Not Canada certainly, they have affordable healthcare and speak two languages. What she needs is somewhere with no gun laws and no one to call her out on being a racist or a homophobe, so...the lunar surface?
"What, this? I'm not advocating violence, I'm just suggesting that
the clenched fist of truth might be clenched around an assault rifle."
-Dana Loesch, peacenik

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