Let's reevaluate our priorities!

Cancer's a dick. David Bowie and now Alan Rickman and probably a few million other people will die of it before 2016 is out. So I guess my question is how come we haven't worked out a cure for this yet? Like, we should really get on it.

It's that or we all need to get better at chess.

"Well then maybe just shut up and 
let us experts work on it, Ok?"

-Some touchy Oncologists

I mean, cancer doesn't just kill famous people, apparently anyone can get it. I'm not a sciencetician or anything, but if you live long enough the chances of your genes developing a typo approach like 100%. Our advanced medical science can give elderly men erections, so why can't it do a simple thing like cure cancer? Now I know what you're going to say: impotence is way easier to solve than the infinitely more complex science of cancer. Well to that I say-uh...you know I actually don't have a response. It probably is like super hard to cure cancer.

"Yeah sure, and after that maybe
I'll just invent cold fusion..."

-Joe Biden, snarkingly

But hard isn't impossible, right? During the State of the Union address, the President compared curing cancer to NASA landing on the moon and then Westwingingly announced his intentions to get the ball rolling. He even put Joe Biden in charge of it which was a little weird because he's a Vice President and not say, a doctor, but that's cool, whatever. Curing cancer seems like something we should be able to if we put our minds to it, right? And by minds I mean a shit ton of money.

Pictured: just some of our
nation's 318.9 million losers.

We should throw money at cancer until it's dead, that's what we should do. Millions of Americans recently bought one 1.58 billion dollars worth of lottery tickets on the mathematically insignificant chance that they might win, and do you know how many actually did? Three. Three random people out there are now absurdly rich. Don't get me wrong, that's great for them and probably anybody they owe money to, but there're now a few hundred million more losers than there were yesterday.

I'm not trying to be a funssassin here, I know everybody loves to set money on fire, but the lotto is basically a giant Kickstarter campaign where instead of a new expansion for Cards Against Humanity all we get is a couple more rich people. I bet if we all chipped in, we could have cures for all kinds of diseases. Cancer, HIV, even whatever's up with Mike Huckabee.

He actually can't hear the crazy shit that comes
out of his mouth. It's a serious medical condition.