Adverpology!

Boooo! Go back to your
outdoor activities!

Don't worry everybody, Hasbro's ridiculous omission of Rey from the Star Wars: The Force Awakens version of Monopoly was totally not sexist. In fact, you're insane if you even suggest it. What the hell am I talking about? Oh, well originally the tie-in Monopoly set only included the characters Finn, Luke Skywalker, Kylo Ren and Darth Vader who-spoiler alert-isn't in the movie at all. The move invited fan backlash and accusations of sexism as it looked like Hasbro left Rey out because including her would make it a girl's toy and girls have no business enjoying Star Wars.

Damnit poster, I wanted
to be surprised! 

The company has since explained that the real reason the central character of the movie was left out was to avoid spoilers:

"The Star Wars: The Force Awakens Monopoly game was released in September, months before the movie's release, and Rey was not included to avoid reveling a key plot line that she takes on Kylo Ren and joins the Rebel Alliance [sic]."

-Hasbro, on how we're stupid idiots
for having ever doubted them

Yeah, bet you feel like a jerk now. Hasbro was just trying to keep the movie's big twist, you know, that the protagonist is female, under wraps and now the secret's out. I hope you're happy.

Spoiler alert: thimble.

Wait, wah? Since when was Rey a secret? And how would a half-inch game token give away the plot line? I mean we all knew Daisy Ridley was in the movie and that she had a major role. She was all over the trailer, the poster, other tie-in merchandise and the internet as a whole had been dissecting every scrap of information released right up to the release date. And besides, the movie was an almost beat-for-beat remake of A New Hope, so it's not like J. J. Abrams was super concerned about plot twists.

"Yeah, we love product!"

-Some kid

It seems like the classy thing for Hasbro to do here would have been to admit the glaring oversight, include the Rey token and move on, which they did. Sort of. I mean, the character is in the Monopoly set now, but admitting mistakes isn't a very business-y thing to do. The closest they come is an adverpology:

"Fans will see more Rey product hitting the shelves this month, including 6 and 12 inch Rey action figures. We are thrilled with the popularity of this compelling character and will continue to look for ways to showcase Rey across all our product lines."

So they're not so much sorry as they are thrilled to showcase Rey now that everybody has noticed that they left her out because of some weird notion that Star Wars is for boys and that kids must gender-identify with Monopoly. Lame guys, lame.

A group shot of female Star Wars fans at the...wait, that can't be right,
they must have gotten lost on their way to a My Little Pony conven-

-tion, wait, male Pony fans? Female Star Wars fans?
Ow! My worldview! I don't know what to believe in anymore...