Thursday, December 31, 2015

Today in valuable life lessons...

Hey, thinking about New Year's resolutions? Great, do those resolutions involve lying to your children and distorting their very sense of time? Cool, because Netflix has you covered.
This holiday, deceive your children with Netflix®!
This would probably do it too...
Yup, they're streaming six new kid's specials which will help you weave a festive web of deception using popular cartoon characters like The Care Bears (apparently still a thing) and Inspector Gadget (ditto) who will count down to 2016 whenever you hit play. That way your kids will think they've just rung in the new year and you can get them to shut up and go to bed in plenty of time for you to enjoy the drinking and the making of resolutions you'll never keep that are so much a part of the holiday. Think of it as The Truman Show, but for lazy parents.

In fact, I suspect your kids will never
ask to stay up late ever again. 
There, I said it. Lazy parents. Of course, I'm a childless shut-in who doesn't understand why people have pets or plants much less kids, so take my criticism with a grain of salt, but if it's that important to your kids to watch the ball drop, why not let'em? They're probably not going to make it past 9:30 anyway, and even if they do, they'll just see Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper shooting the shit while a bunch people in those stupid 2016 glasses yell 'woo!' at the camera. The planet's odometer will roll over and that'll be it. Bo-ring.

Or you could sit your kids down on the couch, turn on Netflix and let it parent for you. After all, that's what TV is for. Sure, smarter kids are going to notice that the sun just went down and suddenly the Care Bears are telling them it's midnight, but then I suppose you can turn this into a harsh, but valuable life lesson.
That lesson being that they should trust no one, and that
everyone, even Care Bears, are going to disappoint them.

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