Some of the Pope's best friends are gay...

Above: Just some of the Pope's child slaves.
(source: massive supposition)

So the Pope had kind of a week, right? First word leaked about him meeting with Kim Davis, the county clerk who refused to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples because, you know, Jesus or something. We all freaked out and thought the worst: that Francis, the cool Pope and champion of the poor and disenfranchised, is actually a big huge fraud. That despite his reputation as a reformer, he secretly hates gay people and forces orphans to sew knock-off designer shoes in the basement of the Vatican.

But then his staff came forward and tried to walk it back. While they admitted that he met with Davis, they insisted that it doesn't mean they're like, going steady or anything:

From Federico's lips, to your ears.

"Pope Francis met with several dozen persons...Such brief greetings occur on all papal visits and are due to the Pope's characteristic kindness and availability...The Pope did not enter into the details of the situation with Ms. Davis and his meeting with her should not be considered a form of support of her position in all of its particular and complex aspects."

-Rev. Federico Lombardi,

Vatican spokesperson

"So, where are you registered?"

Alright. Well played. The Davis visit was a scheduling snafu. Some Vatican staffer set it up and the Pope was just put in a room the current champion of the homophobic American right. It wasn't an endorsement, they probably just shot the shit and the U.S. media made a whole thing about it. But then the Vatican revealed that shortly before meeting Davis, the Pope also met up with Yayo Grassi, a former student of his, along with Grassi's boyfriend. There's pictures and everything.

See? No need to worry. He probably just met with Davis because the pontiff traditionally caps off state visits by meeting with low-ranking local officials from obscure backwaters.

What? They have a lot in common. He's the supreme religious authority for over 1.25
billion Catholics worldwide, and she stamps forms and files your vehicle registration.

In a surprising move, the Vatican
introduced new priest's garb today.

Clearly his meeting with Grassi is an indication of his unqualified support for the LGBT community and means that the Catholic Church is just one step away from reversing centuries of resistance towards the ordination of women priests, lifting the celibacy requirement and recognition of gay marriage. Hurray! Thus beings a whole new age of inclusiveness for one of the world's oldest and most conservative institutions. Unless...hey, you don't suppose that despite his relatively progressive stance (compared with previous Popes) on a lot of issues,  Francis is still the head of a massive, byzantine (there may be a pun there, I can't be sure) organization that took 500 years to forgive Galileo, who, by the way, was right? And that maybe we shouldn't necessarily expect to see him grand marshaling the NYC Pride Parade anytime soon?

And similarly, maybe just because he shook hands with the evangelical right's poster-child for intolerance, we shouldn't take it as an indication of support for her entire political agenda? I mean, whatever is wrong with Kim Davis probably isn't contagious.

Still your eminence, I'd wash my hands if I were you...